January, 9, 2022, 7:23pm. Location: Sitting in my bed in the room, once again.
Once again, just like I had the last entry I made here.
Here's the thing about it.
I read over that particular entry not long ago, and seeing my own words reflecting over 2020 was, with no exaggeration, eerily familiar.
So, what exactly has changed since then?
Here's the thing: literally nothing has changed, and at the same time everything has also changed.
2021 was as much a difficult year as 2020 had been, full of downs, full of despair and pain and lots of conflict. It was the setting in time for many losses, lots of memories filled with bitter feelings and separation. Looking back, it was almost identical to 2020, and yet everything was just a new replacement for things that had happened. There was still so much we had yet to see and so much of it that was familiar as well.
For me, 2021, was as ok as it could be. We were still super cautious with the pandemic, we were all super paranoid, and yet at some point, it felt like we would be able to get used to it from the continuous exposure of the same, but different. The new normal still continue on. Places reopened, many places we adored closed down for good, businesses we'll never see again, people passed away everywhere from COVID or natural causes. It was the same as it always had been with the addition of the conflicts and drama, controversy and division 2020 brought. COVID brought more variants, the lack of vaccination and the allowance of these people that refuse to see the good in the vaccine allowed it to mutate into these other contagious variants. It's just a whole lot of stress stepping out of the house once again after feeling like we were able to get back in track.
In my personal life, the downward spiral continued, my health continued to deteriorate for the same reasons, but not just my personal health, my mental health and school life both saw a massive drop. I finished badly with a wonderful professor in the fall and had a horrible grade for a class I was looking forward to taking so very much. On both occasions due to my mom's health, a surgery for gall bladder removal and another with worries over a possible cancer diagnosis. But it's ok, I tell myself when I think about it, because my worries were caused over someone I love, and I can't take back or change it anymore. The end of 2021 came with my sister catching COVID, but we were all thankfully vaccinated at this point so at the moment, regardless of my financial problems and lack of work, I am thankful we're all still here.
And this is where 2022 comes into view.
Honestly, I don't have any resolutions this year like in previous years. It's a moment in life when I think I need to be thankful for what I have and instead of looking for things to improve on myself, I need to learn to accept reality for what it is and look for solutions one at a time for all the things that are on my plate. It's not to say that I don't plan to follow my doctor's suggestions of eating less acidic foods and spices, following a proper regime of movement to gain back stamina that I lost due to the, horrible to think about, 2 years I've been stuck indoors. But it's important to stop looking at things as a whole massive pile of problems that I need to solve instead of seeing them as challenges I need to over come in order to move forward.
More than ever, I realize that nothing is guaranteed. Now, there's truly nothing I can do for myself, with the lack of resources and ability, I have no choice but to look for solutions and for that I have an appointment I desperately need to keep before I run out of this help as well. The battle against time is the only thing I constantly have.
I hope 2022 is kinder to all of us. I hope that 2022 brings a bit more light than the past 3 years have done. I hope that the people that I love are able to see a silver lightning in everything even more so since it's been so hard for me to do that myself and I cannot help them. All I can do right now is cheer them on.
This year, I want only to find solutions. I want to stop being a person who puts excuses when someone gives me options. I want to put myself out there and find a way to be of use even if I can't leave my house. Even if I'm not ready to go back out there into the world.
This year, all I want to do is change and not be afraid of doing so.
OH but the only thing that 2021 brought me is Kyungsoo's album and a new appreciation for the wonderful, beautiful soul that he is. GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD he is amazing and I'm so happy I was able to see that. NOT THAT I WASN'T ABLE TO SEE IT BEFORE, he's always been my favorite singer but the music he made, it helped me when I really needed it and I'm very much thankful I didn't pass it up like I had originally thought of doing. Being a Dandanie is hardwork but very satisfying~
