NOIR.

The past week has been....... eventful to say the very least.

For one, there's a few things to cross off my summer phobia bucketlist. Let's start from the one that sort of worried me a bit most of them all, and that is getting over my fear of AU, The Copy, The unfriendly manager lady and etc. In a week alone, I was able to lose my fear of them all. Now from past entries it was already obvious I had lost most of my fear of AU, but I think that fear disappeared entirely now since he went out of his way to wave directly at me from far away for no reason. And then I bought him a water from my store as a thank you for all his kind help towards us at the store all the time, which he accepted. So I'm well on my way to cross more things off my list, which I'm really happy about.

But there's a few things here and there that weren't quite as nice as the new normalcy between me and my old crush. Let's start in the beginning, back to the same Thursday when this was supposed to be a good thing.

The trouble with anxiety
I'm never one to be able to hide how bad my anxiety gets when it reaches it's worse stages. Usually something that helps alot is having company around me. After some time, I'm able to find comfort in that, so sometimes I feel terrible but I call my brother or sister over and they sit with me a while at work so I can continue on with my duties. Unfortunately, Thursday was not one of those days. Anxiety feels absolutely terrible. Something in you starts to over drive your body in every sense possible. You start by feeling a slight discomfort. If it's the first time, you think the worse automatically, and that sometimes leads to a panic attack much quicker. For me though, this is not an unfamiliar feeling, so a single hint of a panic attack and I've learned to resort to every method I have learned over the years I've taken therapy. Breathing deeply and slowly, drinking cold water slowly to relax your mind, putting classical music, closing your eyes and giving yourself a break, using Pacifica for the sounds of the ocean, writing down your feelings, reminding yourself that you are fine and that you will be fine and that the feelings you feel at the moment of an anxiety attack are only momentary and are only fueled by your brain. However on this particular episode, none of these methods worked. The more I tried to make myself relax, the more anxiety I felt. I called my sister, I called my brother, and ultimately as I struggled to seem normal, the discomfort in my chest grew, the pain in the center by my rib cage became tighter, and the air around me became thin. I couldn't breathe and I was starting to have unbearable pain. I felt so horrible. There were still customers coming in the very second I was having the worse of my episode. A very sweet lady and the gentleman with her looked at me and saw I didn't look well, my face pale and eyes disoriented so they asked me if I was ok. I couldn't lie and the help I had refused so much from my friend the security guard, I had to resort to asking these innocent people. She led me outside and the second I walked outside, I fell on my knees. I couldn't breathe, I was dizzy, I was in pain, so they called the ambulance which promptly went. They told me they just wanted me to get at least checked by the paramedics to see if I was alright. I thought that would've been enough for me to relax, to have professionals see me and tell me I'm fine. But I couldn't relax. I couldn't shake of the panic attack in the end and what was supposed to be only a check up on my condition, they told me they were not comfortable with me staying there unattended so they made me get in the ambulance and took me to the nearest hospital. It took hours, three shots and IV to calm me down in the end. But it has only diminished slightly. Going to work was out of the question. My boss saw my face and deemed me unfit to work for a little. So I have a whole week off. Unpaid too. Great.

All in all, I learned one thing from yet another trip to the hospital.
I can no longer control my anxiety disorder and must rely on science to help me.
In other words, the very thing I've hated thinking of doing will be happening.
I must take anxiety medication.

ANIME EXPO 2016. 
I had a day off on Friday to rest so on Saturday, after much trouble and consideration, my brother and I decided to go to Anime Expo. My darling friends Doug and Gracie with Gracies best friend also known as Hime gave us a ride to the event. I'm an idiot for not remembering they had their badges already. My brother and I had to wait in a ridiculously long line for over an hour just to get our passes. Anime Expo has grown so much that it's become a very difficult event to enjoy. For one, the lines to just get the passes were extremely disorganized. We were asked to stand in a line that led no where and then asked to move to the end of the line (Not just us, lots of people) which I thought was completely unfair. Another thing being that the even itself has become so dangerously over packed. Walking through Exhibit hall and Artist Alley alone are proof of that. There's no room to walk normally, hardly any space to browse around. Being separated from a group is common and often. Using the buddy system to stay together is inconvenient when so many others are doing the same. All in all, we were all jammed into a venue that no longer is big enough for the massive waves of people coming to it. AX is four days and though I would love to go all four days, I wouldn't want to attend an event knowing that all I'd get in the end is over stepped feet, exhaustion from just waiting in line and an overwhelming feeling of claustrophobia from the ridiculous amounts of people.

HEARTBREAK
Recently, a friend of mine from a little while confessed he had feelings for me. This is a few weeks after the boxer also sort of admitted he was trying to "get at me" so to say. I feel sort of bad for having to so quickly let them know I have no interest in them in that way. Especially because I know it hurts when someone you like rejects your feelings, like how Superman did with me. Even so I will not feel guilty of it simply because there's no point in lying. No matter how much I want to forget him, I still love Superman. Doug and I had a long talk about this and he made lots of valid points about it. For now, I won't let myself feel bad for letting others know my true feelings. It's better to know now than to be lied to in the end. I was thankful Superman rejected me kindly in the end. I hope they do the same. Even so, the boxer has not passed by to see me anymore. And my other friend hasn't either. Oh well.

Sometimes when things relating to this happen, I wonder what the point of it all is. Is it because when we are born, life teaches us we can't be alone? Is it because we learn from society that being alone is a negative trait? Is it because we can't bear the idea to be alone with ourselves? The more I think about it, the more I realize relationships are not for me. It doesn't seem to matter whether I pour my heart and soul into loving another person. The very idea of a relationship is terrifying. To what point will we live our lives being afraid of dying alone? I'd like to have the kind of life I've had up until now. It doesn't mean that I don't appreciate all the perks that seem to come with a relationship. The safety provided by another. The adoration of another person towards you. The feeling of being wanted. The desire to see or be around someone. I've had romantic feelings and intense crushes before (like AU and Superman for example. Different crushes, different reactions.) But in the long run, I still have never seen myself being attached to anyone. I feel as if my very existence is compromised, like everything I believe in could disappear the second I relinquish my freedom to another human being.

I guess I have yet to find the person who will truly make me feel like being in a relationship wouldn't be a prison. (AKA: I haven't found my Mr. Big.)

ANYWAY.
Here's a few random things that are in my brain.
-My obsession with Miraculous Ladybug has grown to elephantine proportions. For one, I am super fuckin upset that I couldn't go to the Ladybug Panel in AX because we went on Saturday and the Panel was on Sunday. BUT I'm super duper fuckin excited that apart from seasons 2 and 3, there seems to be enough material for 5-6 seasons~ Not to mention they mentioned a MANGA VERSION OF LADYBUG. I wonder if they'll keep Adrien and Marinette or will they make it with Bridgette and Felix. It would be cool to see them too to see if they're different from Adrienette, BUTTTTT Adrien and Marinette are such adorable characters, I can't imagine the story with any other characters~
-Yes, I am massively obsessed with this kids show.
-I couldn't find the miraculous earrings or ring or even a FUCKIN CARD HOLDER. I'm a sad panda.
-On the other hand, I found a super cute cat bag I might end up buying if it's on sale again some time OTL
-MY CHECK FOR THE NEXT PAYDAY IS GONNA BE SUPER SMALL
-I ALSO HAVE A HUGE DEBT IN MY CREDIT CARD OTL OTL OTL OTL Thanks AX OTL
-It's fuckin ridiculous how hard it is to customize rings tones and sounds on an iPhone 6 :/
-I regret not waiting for the 6 plus OTL Quite hardcore.
-Everything aches all over. Especially the bruises on my knees.
-Expecting a huge bill from the hospital the second they get the chance to charge me. The Private Hospital in my city is so fancy, there's a flatscreen TV in every room and a private bathroom. And this is just the ER rooms. With glass doors, mind you. I felt the bill go up every time I breathed from their AC cold air lol.....
-JADE IS SUPPOSED TO COME OVER ON WED TO WATCH MIRACULOUS LADYBUG ALL DAY WITH MEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHHHH until then I'm resisting watching it again rofl
-I CANNOT BELIEVE U-KISS' PROMOTIONS FOR STALKER ARE OVER. FML THAT WAS SO SHORT T_____________________________________________________T
-And as if it were fate, I finally bought my CD and SOO'S PHOTOCARD WAS INSIDE. I HAVE BEEN BLESSED.
-Considering drawing a bunch of little drawings in regards to Adrienette/LadyNoir/MariChat/Ladrien(????) because I have never shipped a ship so much (not even Naruhina and I'm hardcore on that shit too)
-I still am behind in my CD buying OTL But I've been so broke and there's so much to do and so many expenses OTL OTL OTL Failssssssssssss
-I honest to god hope that tomorrow I feel better. I need to get better by Thursday OTL

I have resting to do and a therapy session tomorrow. Here's hoping I won't be tired AF.

Toodles.

Intensity.

A few months ago, I planned with my therapist to do something quite drastic.

There's a wonderful thing in the world of psychology called "Fear Exposure," in which a person is exposed to the thing the are afraid of the most. As taken from Parks and Rec, when Ann was helping Leslie to face her fear of first dates, she submitted to exposing her to only bad dates. This case is a little different than an actual phobia but it's just a sample.

See I've already done part one, the requirement so to say, to get this list started by doing something I never thought I'd do.

So here's the long awaited and for the first time planned out:

S U M M E R   P H O B I A   B U C K E T    LI S T . 

0. REQUIREMENT X . (DONE)

1. Get a Manicure. (Not doing my nails myself) - I hate my hands. I hate my skin color because people all my life have made fun of me and called me unattractive for not being light skinned like my siblings. I especially hate my fingers because, now much worse, I think they are terribly deformed and will get more deformed with time. So this has to go. 

2. Get a Pedicure - Same as above but much worse. I honestly do not wear sandals or expose my feet in public at all. I'm so afraid people will laugh at me for not having nice feet. 

3. Wear a dress in public - When I was little, I loved dresses. I loved wearing dresses with Lace, patterns, colors, black shiny shoes and frilly socks. I thought it was so classy and elegant to wear a dress that I wore one almost every day. But when I reached second grade and people started calling me ugly, I stopped and only wore baggy sweaters. Ever since, I only have recently again started wearing dresses in public only on very, VERY special occasions (two weddings being the most recent) But I always look at dresses wishing I could wear them. And I own dresses wishing I could wear them without feeling like I'm too fat for them or that I'm too unattractive to wear them. 

4. Take a proper memorial photograph. - You know those old fashioned pictures some women have, the ones who are now boomers, remembering their days as navy nurses and seeing those beautiful black and white pictures of them in frames and seeing how beautiful and young they were in their youth? I've always wanted one of those. I want a nice picture of myself in my youth that I can be proud of. But I hate photographs of me because I hate my face. I've always been so afraid of how awful I come out in pictures. I don't photograph well at all. 

5. Learn to Drive. - OTL I'm terrified of driving. I'm terrified of being on the road and having bad vision enough to think I'm gonna crash...... 

6. Learn to swim. - When we were little, we were taught to swim in school but I never wanted to go in the water. OTL So much regret because now I don't know how to swim. And for someone who loves water as much as I do, it's ridiculous that I can't swim OTL But dying in water is literally one of my worse nightmares. 

7. Have a conversation with the people who intimidate me like crazy - Whether it's the guy named after a celestial winged creature, or that unfriendly manager lady. The Boss, the Copy or anyone that has become so difficult for me to talk to without any reason, I realize I have started to be afraid of talking to people. I really don't want to be afraid of people OTL 

8. Take a Day trip alone - For the past couple of years, I have not been able to take a trip alone, farther than my city. Recently it has become even worse. I can't even go to LA by myself anymore. So I have to beat that fear of my anxiety taking over my mind and taking a trip somewhere all by myself. 

OTL I only have these 8 for now but I'll continue to add to the list as I either do them (if I have enough courage or energy to do them) or think of more. There are plenty more but these are some of the worse OTL....

Unfortunately, my insomnia and anxiety are still present and accounted for. There's certain things that will continue to bother me until I've taken care of business. But until then I will probably continue to have these midnight sessions of time. Even if I'm dead tired tomorrow.

For now I shall bid a good night until tomorrow night when I can come and write again.

Toodles~