MIRROR.

Yesterday was a stressful and, as expected, chill day of celebration in honor of my tiny nephews first birthday.

There was cake, there was jello, there was more candy here than the local stores, all which is either going to waste or eventually end up giving us diabetes, and of course, there were the forceful guests who came only because they thought it would be an asshole thing to do NOT to come.

In either case, I'm glad my little nephew seemed to be a little happy, even though he had no idea what was happening. That cute little happy smile he had as he heard people randomly sing as he stood with his cake and tiny "1" candle was absolutely priceless and I'll edit that video to not hear the annoying voices of everyone else.

Lately, I haven't had energy. Not only to blog, but in general I just haven't had the motivation to do anything. Most of my days are the same. Most of my time is spent the same way. None of the times I have for breaks are used for such a thing. (I mean, what's that really?)

It appears I've fallen into that familiar routine. The kind that we dread at 18 and the one we inevitably fall into in the ordinary world. Not bad. Not good, but not bad. It's just bland.

Now, before I go on and on about how much I hate the same old thing over and over again, I'll just stop myself right there since in the end, it honestly won't matter. I'm hoping that some time in the near future there is something to look forward to. Something that gives me that little push to do something. Mehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. That's all I can really say for now.

Now for the point of this entry.
Mirror, Mirror on the wall.....
I was watching a show on Netflix called "Black Mirror" and even though we've only watched two episodes of it, it promises to be both the cause of my nightmares in both how horrifying it is, but also how dark and deep rooted it's lessons are when it comes to life and technology. It appears to surround the many fears around the advancement of the media and technology in society. The first episode is very pastel in color, but it's content very dark. It's second episode seems very carefree but with a horrifying phobia and deep dark fear. It's pretty interesting regardless of how graphic and philosophically damaging it is.

Episode two is the reason for my journal entry. It asks a question that many people are asked in a different way. We're all often asked what our biggest fear is after all. This isn't just about you being afraid of spiders, of you being afraid of ghosts or shadows. Or Aliens. I mean no one is really afraid of these things as much anymore. It appears that the fears of the world apart from being bitten or scratched have publicly being forced out into admitting there's nothing more horrifying than the human brain.

So, if you were paid an insane amount of money to face your biggest fears in life in one room, would you do it? Do you think you could survive?

Tomorrow I will attempt to return to my usual routine of healthy eating and walking. It was thrown off because of a terrible stomach flu. Time to get some zzZ's in.

Toodles~

FRUGALITY.

An ironic title for me as I gear myself up to excited type on my brand new computer.

Eek!

Well truth be told, I'm actually not as excited as I thought I'd be to be able to buy my very first computer (With my own money and all I mean.) Years ago, this was nothing but a dream. Years ago though, I spent almost every waking moment of my life on the computer and on the virtual world. These days, I'm lucky if I'm ever home to rest.

There's been lots going on around. Here's a few things that happened and have happened and others that are about to be happening.

-Jenni, K and I went to the BTS concert for their "WINGS" Tour here in California. I had SO MUCH FUN. I stayed with Karen in her hotel room to keep her company for the one night I could and I just I was so excited fjdks;aflkdsf she and I have been friends for years and though Skyping and talking for a while, this was our first time meeting in person. I'm so glad she seemed to enjoy herself with us ;u; The actual concert itself was super fun. I didn't know every song or all the lyrics to the ones I knew but I had alot of fun watching the dances and seeing their performances. All in all it was alot more fun than I had expected. There were lots of nice people there too and even though we started as three in the line, we grew as a group of like 6-7 by the end it was pretty fun. Hopefully one of the people I met there will be at the EXO concert next week as we had planned. I'm hoping this will be just as fun.
-.........and on the note of the EXO concert next week, I'm super hyped. There's been lots of prep and talks and hopefully this will be a much more calm experience than their previous concert here, which apparently. I have all the things I wanted to get to enjoy my concert experience so I think I've achieved that and now I'm just waiting for D-Day.
-It's my nephews first birthday on the 8th of May so my mom is hyping herself and everyone around her with his very first birthday party which I'm sure will be a d o r a b l e.
-Mom's Birthday was this week and I got her Strawberry cheesecake from Portos bakery eventhough I didn't think I'd manage (and also somehow got the wrong candles OTL)

And now to the main point of this post............

FRUGALITY OF LIFE.
Since the beginning of this year, and as I wrote in my very expensive Seasons greetings diary........ I realized that my priorities have been put to the side for the ever popular "you only live once" attitude a lot of people have towards money. Personally, I know I'm an impulse buyer. When I started my job, I had started out with proper savings, with the proper approach to the mixture of Frugal but liberal money spending, and was able to successfully save a decent amount for my expenses. Not much, but enough to get me out of a tight spot financially in case I needed it. This is no longer the case. Time after time, I've allowed my better judgement to be clouded by luxuries I know I'm not privileged enough to afford. I've got bills to pay, credit to maintain, a bunny to maintain and lots of other necessary expenses that are much more vital. I'm currently not in the position to buy this computer I'm holding now. I've got only a bitter feeling in my gut to remember that I literally have spent all my savings in things that are 100% unnecessary. I try to justify my wreck-less spending by telling myself these are all gifts for my own birthday. But I know I'm only doing it out of splurging. Out of nothing.

Sitting down and budgeting while at work today, I realized if I stopped doing so many things that I don't need to do, spending in things I don't need to spend on so excessively and over all following my original plan as I had been doing properly, I could be saving quite alot. So after next weeks concert, I've decided that being frugal was the way of life for me, though I will be extending that towards being the ultimate penny pincher for the rest of this year, or until I feel like I'm safe enough to go on another wreck-less spending spree at some point in life.

Ah, being an adult is no fun.
Also agh my debts. I hate debts. I don't want debts. Debts be damned.

I'm so excited for next weeks concert. I'm excited for the set of music I've been wanting to hear and of having my day off and wearing that choker and sweater I've been wanting to wear (eventhough it appears to be another hot week coming up.)

All in all, I guess I see this as the real end. Of this streak at least.

NOISE.

The unfortunate circumstances of life has led to a complete halt of my promised blogging. Even though not as consistent as I had promised myself to be, it's even worse now for the one tragic reason I never thought I'd say.

I. HAVE. NO. COMPUTER.

Ok that's not entirely true, but it's more like, I have no actual functioning computer. Not even a desktop. Unfortunately, and the one I'm using to type up this message, this old man computer is the only thing available in the house. It's an old, very very old computer, with an old windows system (long forgotten by me) is what I like to call "well loved". Translation would have it as over used, with the keys already rubbed off from all the letters because of endless hours and memories of skype sessions, video chats and lots and lots of time on the old MSN messenger. Ah, time flies by. There was a time when I couldn't imagine my life outside the 5th wall of technology. Now, I so rarely have time to even browse around, succumbing to only checking on my phone.

Time flies by.

Anyway, I am extremely bummed at my lack of computer since there's so much I need to do, so much I want to help with, and projects coming up. It's almost the birthday's of my two favorite people in the world, Shin Soohyun of U-KISS and Kim Minseok of EXO, my two adorable biases. And I'm so so so so SO SO SO SO SO hoping I can have a computer before those days, because no matter how much I want to seem like a grown adult, I'm still trash for my Korean pop music.

And on that note, this is something that has been bothering me for so long now.

The idol life's dilemma.
It's no secret to those who know me and those around me that I love Asian music, incomprehensible to people who see my playlists and come across it. They give me puzzling looks of disbelief, wondering why in the world I bother to listen to music I can't understand. The answer is very simple. I LIKE THE RHYTHM. It was all a complete coincidence, and another story as to why I ended up swept up in the charts of Asian music, and specifically Korean Music. Long story short, it was actually because of my love for Japanese music that I discovered Korean Music (and unrelatedly, Chinese music as well) around 14 years ago.

And through these genres, I've stuck with K-pop music the most, even though I will always find their ways of handling entertainment figures a tad bit either exaggerating or cruel. But out of all the things that happen, there's the dreaded two year mandatory military enlistment that every male, no matter how rich or famous has to go through before the age of 30. Normally, in most countries, it goes unperceived and passes quickly, Korea being no exception. But being swept off as I am, and with my current favorite people as they stand, I can't help but think of the major differences between them, as well as the whole picture for being a star.

I find it a bit heart breaking over and over, not just in K-pop but in general. Over time, we come across people who's music we love. Who's voices and lyrics have changed the world. There are people who's presence and achievements inspire us to do something, anything really. And yet as years roll by, we realize how easy it is to forget them as well. When I started listening to this particular genre in Korea, I was caught up by the catchy tunes and fancy synchronized dancing, beautiful men and women in groups of four or five going around the world and filling stadiums and other places. And yet now, those same legendary groups and people who were once so popular, and though still loved all over the world, are replaced by the younger generation, as is the way of life. The old groups are replaced by the groups of today and the once legendary groups have to remind fans of younger groups how the struggles of their own groups helped pave the way for these younger groups to go internationally famous. And there is nothing wrong with having new groups replace older groups, as I mentioned, it's the way of life and there will be nothing we can do to stop that from happening. But I find it very melancholic, wondering if when people start off their careers at the age of 15-16 and knowing their time in the spotlight is only limited to their youth, were they will reach their peak only to be outshined a few years later.

As Soohyun and Minseok's enlistments approach, since they're both reaching 28 and 27 respectively, no matter how much I want to not think about it, the differences in the status' is ridiculously high and I'm sad to think of what will happen in the future. Soohyun in particular has been my absolute favorite person in the world for over 8 years. I'm hoping that life allows him to continue to shine on stage, just like he likes; just like I know he wants to for years to come. As for Minseok, I'm not as worried. Minseok and EXO have a huge following that I believe will follow him as long as he wants to be on stage, maybe downsizing a bit as years pass by, but loyal and big just the same. But only if he chooses. Who knows what the future will hold for him as well.

Anywhooo, after these depressing thoughts about my favorite people and stuff, I think I'll go look around for computers x_____x

TOODLES.

Opposite.

Despite my efforts to not build up any weird resentment or bad feelings, I realize there is one thing I don't think I have the capability of standing no matter how hard I try:

Idiots.

We've all heard of them. These are the people who live with you sometimes, who take your stuff and then get angry when you use even a q-tip, saying they never do that to you. These are the people who go on the bus with you and sit down only to tell the bus driver they're only going one stop away and refuse to pay and hold up everyone else. These are the people who drive a Mercedes Benz and go into your store and buy expensive water but pay you in pennies, dimes and nickles. (Yes this happened to me yesterday.)

These are the people who lack common sense. Who can't see the clarity of a situation well and stick to their guns in stupidity because they. don't. fuckin. get it.

Even so, I have to remind myself that there are moments when these people don't do it on purpose.

....Right?

I mean.... no one can genuinely act that dumb and be conscious of how dumb it is and STILL do it. Right?

.............................Right?

Any who. Today is a rainy Tuesday.

I realized something about myself not long ago. First of all, I'm a person who enjoys the cold. I love cold weather, I love rainy days, I love fog, I love, love, love cloudy days. I live in California, so that must be another reason why when I see a cold, day I'm just so ridiculously happy. We don't have that many here. Ever since I was young, I've thought, if I could choose an element for me, it would be ice, the cold. The freezing. Hell, I even thought about moving somewhere where it's cold all year round.

But for a couple of years, I have also learned to enjoy the sun. Summer was always, still is, my least favorite time of the year. I don't like the massive heat waves that drag on for months. I hate humidity. I hate dry heat too. I hate waking up and feeling like It won't matter what I use, I'll end up covered in sweat and indecent exposure is not an option lol.....

But I also learned that there are things that I can only enjoy doing in the summer that I didn't like before. I like going on walks in the morning without worrying I'll catch a cold. I like sitting outside in the afternoon and looking up to the sunset. I fuckin love seeing the summer night sky, the extra hours of daylight so there's more chances to hang out with friends and not feel like I have to walk in the dark. I love the night time in the city in summer. Summer events and all that. There's winter events too but theres alot more to do in the summer, being summer and all.

I think this might have to do with my illness. Before, I could sit in cold weather and have all the possible capacity. I was always able to handle low temperatures (well, Cali low) well in the 30 F when they reached that low. Now, it's only 50 F and I'm freezing, my hands are always super cold. My body can't take the slightest breeze. It's so stupid. I mean, it's fine, but still. I miss the cold weather. The other time, I stood in the rain for a little bit while trying to fix something outside when it was pouring and I just looked up and saw it fall. It's beautiful, it's different from alot of things. I love water and the rain and I was really happy but those few minutes of proper nature gave me a cold and I was like.... what the hell? lol

Oh well. Things change over time.

I have work and it's raining.

Let me see if I can enjoy today better than yesterday.

Toodles~

Alone.

As per the norm, the week has been anything but easy.

But as my New years entry stated, it has been a little easier to deal with. Not entirely, but a little bit whenever I think about the content. I'm trying. Week one of the rest of my life I guess.

ANYWAY. Today, Sunday, is a sunny day out, though it's been said it will rain tonight, hard.

One week left of Frreedom and then it's the time for Cheeto wannabe.

All in all there's plenty to say and simultaneously not enough things to be said. Or more like, as always, there alot going on but is it really worth going into them?

No, not really.

Here's a few things that have happened for the first week of 2017.
-SURPRISINGLY, I haven't forgotten to put 2017 when writing out the date at work. It's been a life long struggle to put the new year, usually getting the gist of it around the April or May months, but it's been surprisingly easy not to forget it's not 2016 anymore. I guess I hated it that much LOLOL....
-I am broke. Which is not new. But still awful.
-Jade and I went to have tea time at the Tea Rose Garden, which is quickly becoming my favorite place and that is NOT GOOD because it's so expensive x____x
-With the Christmas money my mom gave me, I bought myself EXO's 2017 Seasons greetings and Oh. MY. GOD. The Diary, which is the reason I bought it, IS AMAZING. I love it. I fuckin love it JESUS. fjldks;jaflks;jlj;sdlf I want to take pretty pics and polaroids of all the things (the wall calendar, the desk calendar, the mini pocket calendar, the Jongin photo pop up thing, Merry X-mas stickers from EXO) but I cannot OTL Every electronic fails me! OTL OTL
-Sasha has been encouraging me to sing up for delivery things from Yahoo Auctions Japan because the Fifth Anniv sweater for U-KISS tour is sold out and I might be able to find it there BUT I AM SO AFRAID CUZ SECURITY BREACHES OTL OTL fkdja;lfkj;dJFLDSKJFL
-I am in massive need to do a MASSIVE CLEAN UP of elephantine proportions. Like. Ridiculous. All my stuff is all over the place, all my clothes are wrinkled. I am a neat freak in every level. I love cleanliness and minimalism and being able to see space. But it's so difficult in a house where theres a. Tons of medical machines and b. tons of untidy people OTL OTL OTL OTL
-I've been depriving my brains of knowledge. I think it's time to let go of that and get back into the groove of something that is worth while.
-OTL There's alot of things to plan and do but I unfortunately have zero motivation.
-And bills.
-And appointments.
-OTL.....................

Should probably go look for something to eat.

Toodles~

ICE

Let me just get this out of my system, first and foremost.

I. Cannot. Fuckin. Believe. This. Year. Is. Almost. Over.

Yes, that needs to be spaced out in an obnoxious way.
Yes, it is necessary to pause at every word.

I've been attempting to make an entry every single time for the past three months, trying to express just how.................. sad I am this year happened.

2017 does not at all seem any more promising. If anything, it appears as many things are disappearing the second this year ends. I hope I'm wrong about a few. I know I'm not for others.

As Christmas approaches, I realize how much everything has changed.

365 days make a lifetime of change.

Maybe, maybe, maybe, something is coming next year that I needed to prepare for so all these things happened for a reason.

Maybe they were just meant to happen. I'm a firm believe of determinism after all.

Or maybe life is just meant to be this shitty for someone who never sees the upside of anything.

In regardless, the second this year is over, it'll take with it many things.

My sanity included.

It's almost Christmas.

It's almost time.

Loser.

The past couple of weeks have been............ unproductive to say the very least.

I have gone through my days, and also my money, in the same way that I think I told myself I wouldn't let happen: In complete and utter waste.

I'm broker and more bored than I have been in years.

Maybe it's becoming painfully obvious that I'm unable to deal with the situations around me to the point I'm letting myself come across the familiar. The one that constantly tells me at every hour of the day that "This is as good as it's going to get."

Even so, I have done a few things that I think I'm either gonna love or regret later. Including the therapy sessions with my now one month long therapist, who is very, very sweet and very understanding, a bit more than even my previous therapist, who was also very nice.

THE VALUE OF TIME
Alot of the time, I tell myself that I shouldn't worry about things that haven't happened yet. I tell myself not to stress. I tell myself that there are things in this world that aren't worth worrying about, you know, basic thoughts to prevent yourself from being overwhelmed. But to my misfortune, I've been cursed with the inability to relax in the face of stress. When something happens, the first thing I tell myself, or more like, my brain tells me, is "Ugh. How long will this last?"

I always put a time to when things should or I expect for them to happen.

But there are times when that's not such a bad idea. It lets you stop yourself at a certain moment to wait. To let yourself wait for the proper time to execute things. To see a plan fulfilled properly, to see something end and start something different without overlapping and overwhelming yourself. There's always two sides to the use of time.

On the one hand you have the amount of time you will have something in your life. Nothing is forever, so there are lots of things we take for granted at the moment, like our parents, our family, youth, jobs, friendships, circumstances, relationships, etc. Something here today will be gone tomorrow for sure. We will grow old and we will see tiny children, if we're lucky enough to survive, grow up to be adults, good or bad. We will see the best person turned into the worse and vice versa. We will see ourselves as complete strangers with people who we used to talk to 24/7. We will see the end of eras, things, fashion, technology. There's so much we will see end.

And with something ending, something new will come to take it's place. Maybe not in it's entirety new, but new enough. New to our own lives. We might see non-believers who never thought they'd find love in relationships, or even marriage. We might be re-united with old friends, friends you haven't seen in 10-15 give or take. We will see the end of something really cool but been brought back in the future as something new, something retro, something modified. We might see dead dreams return, the possibility opening. Hell, we might even see old doors that once were closed be opened, and with a new life, a new attitude towards walking through them. We will never know, nothing is as predictable as it seems.

I've spent so much of my life observing time, watching the clock tick, watching it dictate every single second and hating it. Alot of people don't know that about me. I absolutely despise time.

But sometimes, time isn't too bad.

This week, I declare it to be my last lazy week.
Yes, I say that every week but I feel like I finally have some motivation to do something I've been wanting to do for a while.

Here's a few random things for the week:
-So the new season of Miraculous Ladybug is coming out in May. May 2017. What the hell am I supposed to do with my life until then????????????????????????????
 -Recently, I made a drawing, and I thought the drawing was pretty ok. So I bought a sketchbook and I bought it with full intention of drawing and practicing, but the more I think about it, the lazier I get. I really need to stop doing that. OTL I have a bunch of fuckin sketchbooks that are nearly empty because once in a blue moon, I get the urge to draw OTL.......
-THE iPHONE 7 WILL BE OUT SOON. I have the terrifying dilemma of either buying a new computer to resume my PS addiction, OR buying the  iPhone 7 Plus, because as much as I love my phone, I will always regret I didn't get the plus OTL................. The screen is too small for me OTL
-You are what you eat and I am basically garbage. Why is everything delicious so fattening? OTL
-We haven't gotten the bill for my mom but I'm assuming it's $400 for just a sample of blood. 1. Just 1. 1, guys. O-N-E.
-I'm obsessed with OH MY GIRL's Windy Day. Why. Why do I always like songs that are done promoting OTL..........
-Also I'm obsessed with Ariana Grande's Into You. It's great. Go listen.
-I started watching Once Upon a time again, right where I left off and I'm glad to realize I not only still like it but also remember the plot even though it's been months LOL OTL
-OTL OTL OTL OTL I'm a bit of applying for another credit card BUTTTTTTTTTT my brother got angry I got credit at a store where the interest is pretty high. OTL I'm awful with numbers..........
-I know I should start planning on applying for Spring semester at PCC BUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT i'm too concerned in saving for tax season next year because my boss is a jerk.  Yay. Yayyy..................
-I should probably make that fall bucketlist but for some awful terrifying reason I have not. Why. Why.
-Random fact: In an attempt to beat out the awful blues I had when I had to post-pone once again going to school, I have used my lovely thin-liner from Tarte every day, mascara and lip tint. I've always told myself to wait until I feel like I "look" better to "dress up" but since this Time thing has been in my head, I'm just gonna say fuck it and wear my wings regularly again. Why the fuck not?

I'm tired of waiting for the right time to come along.

So from now on, I'll just do whatever the fuck I want.

Slowly cuz.... no confidence, but fuck it.

Toodles~

EIGHT.

I had this magnificent thing planned for like 4 years to make on the boys anniversary. It appears as if it's never enough time, effort or funds.

Nevertheless, today is a magnificent day~ I know it appears that I've not been as excited as I have been, and admittedly that is true. But as years have passed by to the love of my boys, I can't seem to get as excited or spazzy as before, but more like grateful, which is actually more appropriate and deep. This time of the year, I reflect on the many, many years I have loving these boys. These people who have been sharing their music with us for so many years despite all the different hardships that have happened to them. I don't know, it's come to the point where I can't even imagine the kinds of things they have to do and deal with on an everyday basis and not imagine the strength they have to keep up with all of that. Every song they've released has been a song that has cheered me up. Now that I have alot to do daily, I still have their pleasant voices on my earphones. I feel the excitement for their come backs. I don't think that will ever change. U-KISS solidified their place as my absolutely favorite group and their music has always been my favorite. I'll always be so thankful, for the music, for their sweet and loving personalities, for their bravery, for all their adorable attention. For the opportunity to see their story. I'll always be thankful for all the wonderful friends I wouldn't have met otherwise, for all the times we cried and laughed and enjoyed being together. That wonderful and unforgettable first concert we shared. My god, the memories we all have had with them are endless.

I honestly don't know in what way I can express my love for them anymore. I respect and highly admire them, and unless they stop being the amazing people and musicians they are, I don't think that's ever changing. Alexander, Kibum and Dongho included. Soohyun, Kiseop, Jaeseop, Eli, Hoon, Kevin, Jun. These boys will always have a huge piece of my heart.

Happy Anniversary to my favorite boys. Here's to an #8ternitywithUKISS 

So today is sunday. AKA another work day. I'm procrastinating my Fall cleaning and so much........... SO much......... Here's to another week of procrastinating like crazy. 

(No, please. Please no more procrastinating.............) 

(Omg I forgot to put post on this post. It's currently thursday...............) 

FALLING

For the past couple of weeks, though I've been lamenting not being able to attend school like I had planned, I have found myself undoubtedly excited for fall to arrive.

For those who don't know me, this is my favorite time of the year. Fall has always symbolized the beginning of the end. I know that sounds grim and exactly like something I would say but by that I mean fall is when the year itself is reminding us that it'll all be over soon, so instead of sending off melancholic memories of the past Spring and Summer, it's when the world itself restarts a new. School starts again, people begin college if they're going, children in primary, middle, high school lament summer vacation is ending but always starting a brand new year, jobs refresh and plans begin for the upcoming holidays in the next few months. Not to mention, fashion changes, what with the September issue of every magazine making it's thick and heavy appearance.

I adore fall. I adore everything that comes with it. I love cold mornings and cloudy days. I adore the slow down at work, hot tea and cold weather. I look forward to the upcoming holidays, Halloween, Thanksgiving, The Day of the Dead and All saints day. It's just always been a favorite of mine. Though holidays have always been disappointing, they're still nice, ultimately because we're still together. My family and I are loner types, our holidays spent in solitude but otherwise happy and comfortable.

So for the time, I really wish I could do something different this year to perk up my spirits. Excited as I am for fall like always, I feel the numbness from the past couple of months. I hope my next post has the Fall Phobia bucketlist I keep meaning to write but forget amidst all the chaos.

In the meantime, I have a decision to make regarding a second job I should take. Time will tell. Time will tell....

HERE'S A SURVEY.

RANDOM SURVEY
DO YOU SNORE?
Yes I think O_O I think my family has said I snore, not loudly, but loud enough they know I do. Which is ah...hahaha.....

LOVER OR A FIGHTER?
I guess lover. Meh. I'm bad at fights...

WHAT'S YOUR WORST FEAR?
THAT'S A HARD QUESTION I DON'T KNOW HOW TO ANSWER.
I've got so many fears, it's hard to pick just one ROFL....

AS A KID, WERE YOU A LEGO BUILDER?
Nope D: I didn't have a childhood apparently jfldk;sjalfs d

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF "REALITY TV"?
I think it's meh and obviously not reality. Let's be real here, everything is planned.

DO YOU CHEW ON YOUR STRAWS?
Nope that's annoying AF O_O

WERE YOU A CUTE BABY?
I don't know O_O I don't think so rofl

HOW IS THE SINGLE LIFE FOR YOU?
It's great, thanks for asking, survey xD

WHAT COLOR IS YOUR KEYBOARD?
Black. Like my soul.

DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER?
Yes O_O Not outloud but sort of. Unless I actually play music, in which case, an entire performance happens.

HAVE YOU EVER BUNGEE JUMPED?
NO BUT I WANNAAAAAA

ANY SECRET TALENTS?
Not that I know of. If I have any, they're secret even to me ROFL...

WHAT'S YOUR IDEAL VACATION SPOT?
Anywhere but here.

HAVE YOU EATEN SUSHI?
Yes, and I love it.

HAVE YOU SEEN THE MOVIE "DONNIE DARKO"?
No. Should I....?

DO YOU GIVE A DARN ABOUT THE OZONE?
Yes :/ We should probably care about these things if we want to continue living.

HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO GET TO THE CENTER OF A TOOTSIE POP?
I don't know honestly. I don't like candy/sweets that much.

CAN YOU SING THE ALPHABET BACKWARDS?
No x___x not even gonna try *lazy*

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON AN AIRPLANE?
Yeah~ Just once lol

ARE SPEEDO'S HOT?
No?

?????

WHAT'S YOUR STAND ON HUNTING?
They need to stop doing that bullshit.

IS MARRIAGE IN YOUR FUTURE?
Hell no LOL....

DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
No Dx I write like I'm being rushed even when I write slowly.

WHAT ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO?
Cheap jewelry....

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAID, "I LOVE YOU"
I'm not sure @_@

IS TUPAC STILL ALIVE?
You tell me. Is he? O_O

DO YOU CRY AT WEDDINGS?
Nah.

HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS?
Scrambled, no salt, lots of pepper.

ARE BLONDES DUMB?
?????????????? Don't know how hair color makes someone dumb. Being dumb doesn't discriminate hair colors LOL...

WHERE DOES THE OTHER SOCK END UP?
what.

WHAT TIME IS IT?
9:52 pm

DO YOU HAVE A NICKNAME?
A few.

IS MCDONALD'S DISGUSTING?
YES.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE IN A CAR?
Yesterday.

DO YOU PREFER BATHS OR SHOWERS?
Both.

IS SANTA CLAUSE REAL?
No, but don't let kids know that. Seriously.

ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK?
Depends. You know how sometimes your mind can create things that aren't there? Yeah the dark doesn't help.....

WHAT ARE YOU ADDICTED TO?
Iced black tea, Marichat, thin eyeliners.

CRUNCHY OR CREAMY PEANUT BUTTER?
Both.

HAVE YOU EVER RIDDEN IN AN AMBULANCE?
Yeah.........................................

HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BRUSHED YOUR TEETH TODAY?
Twice @_@

IS DRUG FREE THE WAY TO BE?
Drug Free is the only way to be.

ARE YOU WEARING SOCKS?
Yes~

HAVE YOU EVER HITCH HIKED?
Good god no O_O

WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR EYES?
Brown.

WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
The better question is when have I not rofl....

DO YOU LIKE YOUR LIFE?
Previous question and answer tells you that answer.

WHOSE LIFE IS BETTER?
You can't compare lives. Everyone has a different struggle.

Though Nana from afterschool....... Wouldn't complain tbh.

ARE YOU PSYCHIC?
If I were I'd have predicted this stupid question....

HAVE YOU READ "CATCHER IN THE RYE"?
No, but I've heard of it and to a certain point know how it goes. Eek.

DO YOU PLAY ANY INSTRUMENTS?
A bit.

CAN YOU SKATEBOARD?
Nope.

DO YOU LIKE CAMPING?
Never been Dx

DO U SNORT WHEN U LAUGH?
Sometimes if it's so fuckin hilarious I literally have ROFL but otherwise no.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC?
I guess in a way I kinda do. But then again it might just be wishful thinking to something that I know is impossible that I try to tell myself might not be as impossible as it seems.

IS A DOG A MAN'S BEST FRIEND?
Sure thing.

YOU BELIEVE IN DIVORCE?
??????????????????????It happens all the time, kinda have to take that into it existing as a thing LOL

CAN YOU DO THE MOONWALK?
I can't even regular walk bro.

DOES YOUR MOM KNOW YOU HAVE A MYSPACE?
....................................... Ok but how old is this survey.

WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
Shin Ramyun cup, a bag of Doritos and a plain black tea with ice. Diet, be damned!

DO YOU WEAR NAILPOLISH?
When I'm not lazy, yes.

DO YOU LIKE SOMEONE RIGHT NOW?
I'M NOT GONNA ANSWER THESE ANYMORE.

WHAT'S THE MOST ANNOYING TV COMMERCIAL?
I don't watch enough TV to judge right now @_@

DO YOU SHOP AT AMERICAN EAGLE?
No.

FAVORITE BAND AT THE MOMENT?

U-KISS 4 LYFE.

In desperate need of some actual rest. Just got back from old town with the goodies of a new BELIEF face cleaner, which I swear by, a TARTE super fine liner (Because you need those sharp tiny wings) and a Smashbox water primer (just cuz it was cheap). At some point, I do have to start taking pics. But first, I need a new PC OTL and for that I need more moollah... so I need another job and ----

ANYWAY.

I have to let the bun run right now. And another looooooooooooong day awaits tomorrow.

Toodles~

Inevitable

At the very pit of my stomach, I feel the claws of that boredom I always speak of.

The past couple of weeks have been, though eventful, really dull.

I feel myself succumbing into that numbing feeling like time is repeating itself once again. It always seems to happen when I reach the peak of a phase. In this case, Miraculous Ladybug. I'm at the point where I've seen it so many times, it's not nearly as entertaining anymore.

There's also the fact that I have nothing to look forward to again for the next couple of months. It's a disastrous year as it is, even if there's still some months left.

The only consolation I give myself is that it's almost the end of summer. I've always disliked summer and everything it brings. I dislike heat, I dislike the wave of clients at the store, I dislike the way people behave with the heat as well. It's almost as if it prick us all into the worse of moods, especially in California where the weather constantly stays over the 90 F mark. Then again, I shouldn't complain as much because honestly I love California, and especially my city. I adore everything about it, which is why I suck it up entirely.

All in all, I feel like I should make a Fall bucketlist of phobias and goals. I didn't complete my summer bucklist of phobias entirely, but I did a few of the most major ones anyway and that in itself is an accomplishment.

For now, here's yet another random Survey. I'm almost too bored to do it but I have only 1/2 hour to kill today at all so.

45 RANDOM THINGS SURVEY
Whats your name spelled backwards?
AMLA?

What did you do last night?
I went on an epic journey to find the Miraculous Yo-Yo phone compact (I'm a grown ass adult at toys r us looking for a childrens toy, but IDGAF, I make my money so I can buy whatever I want >:(!!) Successful btw. (The struggle was real since Coldplay was having a concert and there was so much traffic...)

The last thing you downloaded onto your computer?
I actually haven't downloaded anything really since I'm actually only ever on tablet mode rofl OTL

Have you ever licked a 9 volt battery?
Yes........? I think? IDK The memory is vague but it's there so I guess so....?

Last time you swam in a pool?
557,999 years ago.............

What are you wearing?
Jeans, a CK black shirt, adidas shoes. Yay for work attire....

How many cars have you owned?
NONE. ZERO. I FAIL AT ADULTING CUZ I CAN'T DRIVE.

Type of music you dislike most?
None really. I'll listen to anything I like in any genre and language lol

Are you registered to vote?
Nope.

Do you have cable?
Crappy, but yes.

What kind of computer do you use?
I have a SUPER old SONY VAOI, both desktop and laptop.

Ever made a prank phone call?
Yes. Funny story about that, ha ha..., i was prank calling this guy from my class at a friends house and his phone number had 911 in it so I think I might've accidentally dialed 911 (I was like 12 ok don't judge me) and the cops showed up at her place just to be sure everything was alright. But her uncle was in the posession of Marijuana and he was arrested and IT WAS MY FAULT.............. I'm not sure if this is my proudest or awfulest moment.

You like anyone right now?
Sigh. No. I mean yes but they're not there anymore for me to like them so OTL. I AM, HOWEVER, ALWAYS IN LOVE WITH SOO SO YES. ALSO YES. ALL THE YES.

Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving?
Yes. Both. OuO

Furthest place you ever traveled?
Vegas OTL I don't leave Cali at all man. Why would I?

What's your favorite comic strip?
Mhm... Not sure. I don't think I have one honestly O_O

Do u know all the words to the national anthem?
Yes. And the Pledge of Allegience as well.

Shower, morning or night?
Shower at night. You go to bed clean and wake up clean.

Best movie you've seen in the past month?
Madoka Magica Rebellion O_O

Favorite pizza toppings?
Pepperoni, pineapple, mushroom and peppers~

Chips or popcorn?
Chips. Who am I kidding.

What cell phone provider do you have?
I have Sprint.

Have you ever smoked peanut shells?
.................. what? Is this a young people thing...?

Have you ever been in a beauty pageant?
Pfffffffffffft Hell no LOL I'd get boo'ed right off the stage!

Orange Juice or apple?
Orange O_O

Who were the last people you sat at lunch with?
My family? I mean..... we don't have group lunch time at work.

Favorite chocolate bar?
Lindt Lindor Milk Chocolate~

Who is your longest friend and how long?
T. T and I have been best friends for 13 years.

Last time you ate a homegrown tomato?
Never :(

Have you ever won a trophy?
I've won things but not a trophy. Awards in paper yes. Do those count...?

Favorite arcade game?
Pac-Man, Marvel vs Capcom, Garou mark of the wolves.

Ever ordered from an infomercial?
Nope~

Sprite or 7-UP?
Sprite.

Have you ever had to wear a uniform to school/work?
I've had to wear uniforms for school. I have to wear a sort of Uniform for work. It's not too bad though.

Last thing you bought at Walgreens?
Popping popcorn.

Ever thrown up in public?
Yes @_@

Would you prefer being a millionaire or finding true love?
Being a Millionaire. True love is a lie.

Do you believe in love at first sight?
Nope. I believe it's all an irrational and shallow attraction to someone who you find attractive and you confuse it for something deeper (Like me with AU.)

SPONGEBOB OR JIMMY NEUTRON?
NEITHER. MIRACULOUS LADYBUGGGGGGGGGGG *tosses compact in the air*

Did you have long hair as a young kid?
I have long hair even now. Forever long haired. (that's also a lie cuz I recently cut it but I always let it grow long)

What message is on your voicemail machine?
Standard.

Where would you like to go right now?
To sleep......................

Whats the name of your pet?
CHAMPURRADO.

What kind of back pack do you have, and what's in it?
I have two. One is a black faux leather standard back pack, and in it right now is all garbage. The other one is the Pink Cardcaptor Sakura winged backpack, and inside it are nothing but bills and hospital papers....

What do you think about most?

I guess existentialism. It's something that I think about every single second of every day, even if I don't want to. It's bothered me for so long that it's become a routine and I guess familiar habit that, though I hate, is always there.

I have work in literally three minutes.

TOODLES, YO.

Hop.

I've been having a hard time writing. I feel no creative juices happening. SO. Instead of doing the pointless job of trying to make a theme to write about like I do when I'm feeling more inspired, I'm just gonna post a survey, like I used to do in my LJ.

But first, here's a few random little things. Not many, just honorary mentions.
-I met my new therapist this week. She's lovely. I'm very much happy with the transfer.
-Attempting to apply at two jobs part time. Please, life or whoever reads this, wish me luck for good things to come.
-I have a terrible swollen gum and I can't eat well. Great.
-Healthy eating is going poorly, but still going Pfffffffft.
-I'm enjoying Elnaz's life way too much RN LOL
-Still miraculous trash, enough so I'm gonna go buy that stupid toy Yo-Yo.
-OTL I really want to buy a new laptop because I'm so tired of seeing the tiny screen on this cute little tablet. I miss full size PC's. And being to load shit. And download shit. And make shit work. And PC shit in general. SIGH.

WITHOUT FURTHER DELAYS NOW,

THE (SEMI)MID YEAR SURVEY.
What Has Been Your Biggest Regret?
So far I think it's been procrastinating my entrance to school OTL OTL I have been saying that I'd go to school for so long that it's lost all meaning to anyone to hear I'm trying to enroll, again.

The One Thing You Are Most Proud Of?
I guess that I finally was able to tell the one person I love that I love him? Even if it ended with rejection, it at least ended nicely.

Single Most Memorable Moment?
Oh I was gonna say there's been nothing eventful but honestly, the birth of my nephew is still the most memorable so far~

The Drink Of This Year?
POWERADE. AND IT WAS, IS AND ALWAYS WILL BE TBH.

Get Any Scars?
Lots. Scratches from the Bun.

Your Favourite Song For This Year?
STALKER. I LOVE STALKER (By U-KISS of course hehe). Though honestly it's hard to pick because I really like these particular three: Stalker, Out of my Life, The Miraculous Ladybug theme song in English, Korean (by Fiestar, no less) and French @_@
One Shot One Kill almost in this list as well but THE OTHER THREE. I CAN LISTEN TO ALL DAY.

One Moment From This Year That You Want To Relive..?
OTL The last time I saw him. I wish he hadn't gone to see me when it was so busy. I wanted to wish him luck myself in person and hug him one last time.

Relationships.. Just... Need I Say Any More..?
Nope. NOOOOOPEEE *SKIPS*

One Thing From This Year (good or bad) That Will Always Stay With You?
Them. AU and Superman. Their pressence in general was really impactful to my life. It's difficult to explain, but I think eventhough it was short lived, they will leave a strong impression on me for a long time.

One Time You Really Cried?
I cried alot seeing my sister distressed. That was really awful.

Naughtiest Thing You've Done :p ?
I'm not really sure O_O I'm a good girl yo rofl

One Time You Really Felt Like A Failiure?
When I couldn't even get a job at a mediocre place with mediocre people =_____=

Fallen In Love?
I guess not. I've had of crushes, and usually they're pretty intense crushes, but eventhough I say I love/d Superman, I know that's not love. It's just infatuation. So no.

Have You Stayed In love!?
^ previous Q & A

Done An All Nighter?
Lots. Unintentionally too OTL

Murdered Someone And Fled To Mexico?
I'd be in jail for sure already if that were the case LOL *terrible liar*

Honestly.. How Much Money Have You Spent On Random Crap?
LOTS. LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTTTTTTTTTTTSSSSSSSSS. I can't even explain I mean- Jesus. I have a problem.

Funniest Moment :D ?
I HAVE NO CLUE. I HAVE A TERRIBLE SENSE OF HUMOR SO THIS SHOULD BE EASY BUT INSTEAD I'M BLANKING OUT.

Someone That You Really Miss?
I miss my best friends. I miss hanging out with my girls.

Any Real Real Bad Mistakes?
Well there's so much to regret but I'm so cautious and afraid to make mistakes that there hasn't been, thankfully, any with large scale consequences... I hope it stays that way cuz I'm a coward rofl...

Someone You Have Come To Hate This Year?
Not really. I hate everyone equally....

Your Lowest Moment..?
Not sure... again, I'm cautious as fuck (in other words, boring)

Your Highest Moment (naturally :p) ?
That confession rofl I swear to god I am the biggest coward ever. It's so difficult to understand for some people how I can seem so "confident" but I'm basically the biggest wuss to have ever lived. This confession is my proudest moment, I think in life. It's also point one of my Phobia Bucket list and I did it and i'm so happy xD

Have You Broken Something Valuable?
Not really, nah.

Had Your Heart Broken?
Not heart broken. YOU NEED A HEART FOR THAT HAHAHAHAHA *shot*

Made Someone Cry?
I think mostly my mom and sister OTL I'm an awful person...

Broken Someone Else's Heart?
I hope not >____< I mean, I think in a way yeah but in another I just hope it's not that serious rofl....

Created A Real Bad Awkward Silence..? How?
Not really. Silence isn't awkward to me so I try not to make it awkward for others by not being silent in general rofl.... *makes sense in my head*

Have You Left The Country?
Sadly no :(

Did You Learn Any Really Valuble Lessons?
I think it might only that which has to do with feelings. It's difficult to say but I've talked about it enough that I don't think anything longer than "Things happen for a reason" is neccessary to say.

Haha.. One Moment From This Year That You REALLY Want On Film?
A compilation of ALL my awkward moments with AU. Those were good moments ROFL

Have You Had A Near Death Experience?
Nope. And I hope that never happens LOL

Out Of Body Experience?
Nope....

One Life Changing Moment?
Again, that one moment when I forgot I'm a wuss LOL

Was This Year Happier For You Than Last Year?
Nope, not at all. 2015 was such a wonderful year to me. So many emotions, so many things. So many people and changes that were exciting and new. It was a breath of fresh air after years of dull ache and boredom. 2015 was a year that brought back something I didn't think I would ever have again. So far 2016, which I thought was gonna be even better, doesn't hold a candle to 2015. Instead it's left me on the painstaking path of boredom once more.

Go On.. It's Gotta Be Done ;P .. Rate This Year Out Of 10
So far it's a 5.

Been Arrested.. Or Come Close?
Nope.

Got Yourself Into An Awkward Situation?
Lots of times LOL....

This Years Most Painful Moment?
Again. My sister's situation was pretty bad.

A Really Powerful Image For You?
I'm not sure, actually O_O....

One Awesome Band You Discovered This Year?
Why would I need that though when I HAVE U-KISS. ;DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

C'mon.. :D .. Most Embarrasing Moment?
OTL OTL OTL OTL..... Where to even start. I get plenty of those often. I'm just one walking embarrassing moment tbh

Met Anyone Famous?
Nah. I'm not cool like that I guess LOL

One Moment Where You Really Screwed Up Bad?
I fuck up alot so it's hard to say rofl O_O

Favourite Movie From This Year?
Nothing from theaters since I don't watch alot of movies to begin with, but I myself just watched Madoka Magica the Movie "Rebellion" SIGH I love this series and I love this movie.

Made Any Really Good Friends?
So far I'm pretty happy I got to meet my friends Doug and Grace. Doug especially has become my best friend.

Made Yourself An Arch Nemesis?
I hope not >____<

One Thing You Wish You Could Just Forget?
Them. Him especially.

If You Could Turn Back Time To This Moment One Year Ago.. Would You?
No. I remember I was very sad because of AU at this time last year. I was so afraid he'd leave and at the time, I thought that was the worse that could happen. Scary how things change....

A Quote From This Year?
"If I can't bring down heaven, then I will raise hell."

The Most Expensive Thing You Bought?
.............................that 40 buck Sailor moon keychain was pretty pricey for it's size.

A Time You Fell Straight On Your Ass..?
I went to get my blood drawn and got dizzy and fell LOL....

Went To Say Something That Came Out Wrong?
Oh, LOADS. Customer service is awful when you think too fast for your mouth to catch up so you end up slurring and saying gibberish...

Learnt To Play An Instrument?
Nope :( Though I practiced Piano for a bit on my own hehe

Resolutuons For Next Year..? (Yeah I Know We Never Keep 'Em.
UGH I don't even know..... I'll write that down if I think of some when this year ends (It's still Aug. I'll do this survey again in December IGPUL.)

Sum Up This Year In A Few Words?
A piece of shit.

And Now For Your End Of Year Speech :D .. Go For It...

THAT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN TIL THIS YEAR ACTUALLY ENDS.

Ok I'm gonna sleep because, why not. It's a thing that people do.

TOODLES.

BLACK CAT.

When this year began, I had high hopes that it would be what dreams were made of. I religiously checked my horoscope and it promised grand things (Yes, I know it's all speculation and facade, but it's still fun) were to come as this year progressed. The Number 16 has always been my lucky number.

But unfortunately, it seems as if that was all wishful thinking.

I'm not sure on what to believe in anymore, in all honesty. I began this blog thinking that maybe, just maybe, it would be filled with good memories and pictures of adventures for the summer, my phobia bucketlist, plans for the upcoming school year, etc. In the end, it seems to be just like all my not public journals where it shows the massive amounts of stress and drama my life seems to have at all times.

So I thought that maybe I might just stop myself from writing all that drama and focusing on only the happy things life has to offer but....

....Would that even be sincere?

I don't want to pretend to have a happy life knowing that it isn't exactly as it is.

When it comes to talking about problems, I feel as if people think I exaggerate on the amount of issues one person can have. I am sad to say that nothing I tell is a lie. Yes, my life is this full of drama and despair. So I don't usually tell the whole world to what magnitude things are in fear of the pity. Only a few close friends know of the massive amounts of stress I harbor in every waking moment. It's something I wouldn't wish on even my worst enemy.

In the end, I try to remember all the things I once thought of as absolute and true.

Yes, this is still as major bullshit as it has always been but....

....Even that has an end.

The following are things that have been in the last couple of days and other random things as they have come.
-I will no longer be going to school for the fall as planned. Need the money for something else.
-The Boxer who sort of asked me out finally came around and asked me to hang out platonically which I'm super glad for. One down in that sense. The other friend who asked me out though is still extremely weird about it all and I have a feeling he won't be the same with me again.
-I ordered a wallet that was not delivered to my house and I'm unsure as to what to do. Ugh.
-The majority of the past 3 weeks have been one terrible day after the other. There was not one day that a customer didn't give me shit for things that were beyond my control or just them being illogical beyond belief. A woman STOLE from the store and made it seem like I had been the one who was at fault for her stupidity. Don't really know how much more of this I can take.
-But there is no choice in the matter and I must def need to look for a second job.
-I'm bored of the Pokemon game, as I expected I would be in the amount of time it took so I'm unsure of what to do with myself in all honesty.
-All I've done with my life the last weeks is read ML fanfics (mostly Marichat and Adrienette) and that's it. That's my entertainment. It's very sad.
-The speaker I used at work to listen to the radio so I don't have to sit in silence all day got fucked up so now I have to.... sit in silence again. With my head. This can't be good.
-I'm super low on funds and it won't matter how much money I try to save, it'll never be enough for anything. Sigh.
-I'm so sad seeing everyone going back to school and realizing that I can't go yet again. I'm getting old, man. I'm gonna be 28 next year and I haven't even gone for ONE semester to college. How's that for pathetic?
-Speaking of pathetic, guess who still talks about Superman like he's still there even though he's been gone for 5 months. Until when will I continue to stupidity.
-AU left. After all this time that I had been waiting to talk to him and when were starting to become friendly, he left. The day I bought him water from my store as a thank you, that was the last day I ever saw him. He hasn't returned since. That was last month I think.
-Another person who's leaving is my therapist. Next week is our last session. I'm terrible at saying goodbye....
-There's so much to do and so many numbers to call in regards to my mom. So many doctor visits to make to make sure every things alright. So many hospital bills to pay (mine, hers.) it's all so much in such little time....
-If it's not noticeable I'm just severely overwhelmed about it all. I keep dreaming that I can rest. It seems like it's just that. A Dream.
-I feel so bored without U-KISS promoting in Korea. I love them promoting in Japan and I love their Japanese releases but they promoting in Korea has always been so much more fun, so much more exciting. When they're not promoting, I don't have any music to look forward to. It's sad. I miss them. I miss it alot.

Sigh. I don't know what else to say.
Honestly, I'm trying my best to cope with everything. But it gets to me so much that things just never seem to go the right way. Not every waking moment of life is painful. Not every single second is pain. But it's just very overwhelming to expect peace and get none of that. It's so overwhelming to see the future so bleak. To see it so dark and hopeless. That's all I see in my head.

If I had a Miraculous, I'd had Chat Noirs. The bringer of bad luck. The power of destruction.

The Black Cat of bad luck.

And yes, this is me being Miraculous Trash.

Go.

It's been a few days since I've willed myself to write after the Panic attack. Though it's fine now, I still feel a little on-edge. As if it's still lurking somewhere in the back of my head, especially at work.

Even so, I've felt much better and though I don't want to have any record of admitting it, also a little bored.

Then again, those that know me know that these periods of Boredom are pretty permanent. Not the kind of bored that tells you to do something and it will disappear. It's the kind of boredom that sees no end, the one that you wake up in the morning to look forward to nothing. The kind that even if you jam pack your schedule to exhaustion, you'll still feel empty. It's that kind of boredom. Then again, I usually feel this, on a regular basis, But once in a while there's a little spark that takes my time.

Midnight Training
For a little it was Miraculous Ladybug but I've finished the first season so now until it returns, I'm obsessing over Pokemon Go, almost to the annoying level. I've used it as an excuse to go outside and look around for Pokemon. Yesterday night, Doug, my sister and I went to look around for Pokemon at the Stadium. It was really cool, there were actually quite a few people looking around for Pokemon as well eventhough it was 10 PM. We had hamburgers and took them back to my house, and sat in the front because someone had used Lure to lure them to the corner of my street. We weren't the only ones. I know alot of people think it's going too far, that people are doing unnecessary things, like walk around aimlessly and alone at 3am looking for a Pikachu. Although to a certain level I agree, people have to set their own limits and use their own common sense. This just brings it out of people alot more easy, Pokemon being childhood nostalgia for alot of us. I for one, love this game quite a bit, it's fun and it makes me want to go some places I wouldn't normally go, but I also wouldn't go to that many extremes just for it. Yesterday night, we were just chilling outside eating burgers and playing a game til midnight. I had company the whole time, I was sitting down, I wasn't walking around aimlessly. Cautiously looking around for any suspicious people. We never went near the Poke lures that were too suspicious looking (Then again, my city is pretty safe so there actually were none but we were taking precaution) or that weren't in public. It's pretty stupid honestly to think this game can be dangerous. Everything can be dangerous if you take it too far. For me, I just want to play this perfectly innocent game until I get bored of it.

Here's a few happenings of the week.
-I have successfully reached the limit of my  bank account. As in, I'm so broke. So broke. I haven't been this broke in a while. It's ridiculous how broke I am. I can't even buy a sandwich. Those are like two bucks. Omg.....
-Apart from Playing Pokemon Go, I've downloaded an app on my phone called Charity Miles. When I start the game up and I know I'm going to be walking for a little while, it allows me to donate money for the walking I'm doing to something like The Leukimia and Lymphoma society, Operation Smile, American Diabetes Association, ASPCA, St. Judes Childrens Research Hospital, (RED), Team Red, While and Blue, Girls on the Run, The Nature Conservacy, Special Olympics, Charity Water, etc. I've wanted to do this for a while, so I'm expecting to walk around alot more just for this~
-The one dude who confessed to me will not come around anymore rofl....
-The other one too....
-Saw a friend yesterday who also obviously had a crush on me and yeah this is getting a little ^^;;;;;;;;;
-On the other hand, I think I saw Superman yesterday but he didn't come around. So message received and taken.
-I haven't seen AU anymore either D: I'd feel sort of sad now if he left not because of feelings, but because we were just starting to become friends rofl (happens alot to me in life though so I wouldn't be surprised, I have been expecting him to leave for so long.)
-I HAVE BEEN LOOKING AT THIS PARTICULAR COMIC OF MIRACULOUS LADYBUG AND FUCKIN LAUGHING WHEN I'M AT WORK EVERY TIME I REMEMBER IT BECAUSE I HONESTLY CANNOT WITH ADRIEN AGRESTE AND HIS TERRIBLE CANON PUNS.
-I REALLLLLLLLLLLLLLY love Out of my life, from Kevin's solo Release fjskda;jf It's such a beautiful song, and I love the harmony between K and Kevin and jfdslkaj;fl sdIt's a beautiful song ;A; I'm very sad I wasted all my money (FOR NO REASON) in AX, because I really wanted to buy Kev's solo too sobs OTL So that's gonna have to wait.
-I told myself I'd do exercise this week. I told myself I'd eat healthy this week. It's only tuesday but I already fucked up by eating a hamburger rofl OTL
-I don't think I'll be able to attend school, AGAIN, this semester. I've procrastinated in my registration still and I'm sure smarter people have already finished OTL I haven't done ANYTHING beyond the online orientation OTL In the end, I think I deserve this........... But it's still annoying OTL OTL.....
-My entire life revolves around bad choices and things that I know I shouldn't do but do anyway and then I complain that life hates me when in reality, I'm making my own problems as I go. Sigh. I thought I was over this stupidity period. I guess not.
-On the other hand, I have been studying french on Duolingo and I'm not as terrible as I thought? I think I'll be able to read it. Speaking it though..... I leave much to be desired. Pronounciation is hard AF OTL OTL OTL
=I GAVE UP ON THE ALCHEMIST. I haven't picked it up in forever rofl OTL OTL

Anyway. I have work today. Yay.

Toodles.

NOIR.

The past week has been....... eventful to say the very least.

For one, there's a few things to cross off my summer phobia bucketlist. Let's start from the one that sort of worried me a bit most of them all, and that is getting over my fear of AU, The Copy, The unfriendly manager lady and etc. In a week alone, I was able to lose my fear of them all. Now from past entries it was already obvious I had lost most of my fear of AU, but I think that fear disappeared entirely now since he went out of his way to wave directly at me from far away for no reason. And then I bought him a water from my store as a thank you for all his kind help towards us at the store all the time, which he accepted. So I'm well on my way to cross more things off my list, which I'm really happy about.

But there's a few things here and there that weren't quite as nice as the new normalcy between me and my old crush. Let's start in the beginning, back to the same Thursday when this was supposed to be a good thing.

The trouble with anxiety
I'm never one to be able to hide how bad my anxiety gets when it reaches it's worse stages. Usually something that helps alot is having company around me. After some time, I'm able to find comfort in that, so sometimes I feel terrible but I call my brother or sister over and they sit with me a while at work so I can continue on with my duties. Unfortunately, Thursday was not one of those days. Anxiety feels absolutely terrible. Something in you starts to over drive your body in every sense possible. You start by feeling a slight discomfort. If it's the first time, you think the worse automatically, and that sometimes leads to a panic attack much quicker. For me though, this is not an unfamiliar feeling, so a single hint of a panic attack and I've learned to resort to every method I have learned over the years I've taken therapy. Breathing deeply and slowly, drinking cold water slowly to relax your mind, putting classical music, closing your eyes and giving yourself a break, using Pacifica for the sounds of the ocean, writing down your feelings, reminding yourself that you are fine and that you will be fine and that the feelings you feel at the moment of an anxiety attack are only momentary and are only fueled by your brain. However on this particular episode, none of these methods worked. The more I tried to make myself relax, the more anxiety I felt. I called my sister, I called my brother, and ultimately as I struggled to seem normal, the discomfort in my chest grew, the pain in the center by my rib cage became tighter, and the air around me became thin. I couldn't breathe and I was starting to have unbearable pain. I felt so horrible. There were still customers coming in the very second I was having the worse of my episode. A very sweet lady and the gentleman with her looked at me and saw I didn't look well, my face pale and eyes disoriented so they asked me if I was ok. I couldn't lie and the help I had refused so much from my friend the security guard, I had to resort to asking these innocent people. She led me outside and the second I walked outside, I fell on my knees. I couldn't breathe, I was dizzy, I was in pain, so they called the ambulance which promptly went. They told me they just wanted me to get at least checked by the paramedics to see if I was alright. I thought that would've been enough for me to relax, to have professionals see me and tell me I'm fine. But I couldn't relax. I couldn't shake of the panic attack in the end and what was supposed to be only a check up on my condition, they told me they were not comfortable with me staying there unattended so they made me get in the ambulance and took me to the nearest hospital. It took hours, three shots and IV to calm me down in the end. But it has only diminished slightly. Going to work was out of the question. My boss saw my face and deemed me unfit to work for a little. So I have a whole week off. Unpaid too. Great.

All in all, I learned one thing from yet another trip to the hospital.
I can no longer control my anxiety disorder and must rely on science to help me.
In other words, the very thing I've hated thinking of doing will be happening.
I must take anxiety medication.

ANIME EXPO 2016. 
I had a day off on Friday to rest so on Saturday, after much trouble and consideration, my brother and I decided to go to Anime Expo. My darling friends Doug and Gracie with Gracies best friend also known as Hime gave us a ride to the event. I'm an idiot for not remembering they had their badges already. My brother and I had to wait in a ridiculously long line for over an hour just to get our passes. Anime Expo has grown so much that it's become a very difficult event to enjoy. For one, the lines to just get the passes were extremely disorganized. We were asked to stand in a line that led no where and then asked to move to the end of the line (Not just us, lots of people) which I thought was completely unfair. Another thing being that the even itself has become so dangerously over packed. Walking through Exhibit hall and Artist Alley alone are proof of that. There's no room to walk normally, hardly any space to browse around. Being separated from a group is common and often. Using the buddy system to stay together is inconvenient when so many others are doing the same. All in all, we were all jammed into a venue that no longer is big enough for the massive waves of people coming to it. AX is four days and though I would love to go all four days, I wouldn't want to attend an event knowing that all I'd get in the end is over stepped feet, exhaustion from just waiting in line and an overwhelming feeling of claustrophobia from the ridiculous amounts of people.

HEARTBREAK
Recently, a friend of mine from a little while confessed he had feelings for me. This is a few weeks after the boxer also sort of admitted he was trying to "get at me" so to say. I feel sort of bad for having to so quickly let them know I have no interest in them in that way. Especially because I know it hurts when someone you like rejects your feelings, like how Superman did with me. Even so I will not feel guilty of it simply because there's no point in lying. No matter how much I want to forget him, I still love Superman. Doug and I had a long talk about this and he made lots of valid points about it. For now, I won't let myself feel bad for letting others know my true feelings. It's better to know now than to be lied to in the end. I was thankful Superman rejected me kindly in the end. I hope they do the same. Even so, the boxer has not passed by to see me anymore. And my other friend hasn't either. Oh well.

Sometimes when things relating to this happen, I wonder what the point of it all is. Is it because when we are born, life teaches us we can't be alone? Is it because we learn from society that being alone is a negative trait? Is it because we can't bear the idea to be alone with ourselves? The more I think about it, the more I realize relationships are not for me. It doesn't seem to matter whether I pour my heart and soul into loving another person. The very idea of a relationship is terrifying. To what point will we live our lives being afraid of dying alone? I'd like to have the kind of life I've had up until now. It doesn't mean that I don't appreciate all the perks that seem to come with a relationship. The safety provided by another. The adoration of another person towards you. The feeling of being wanted. The desire to see or be around someone. I've had romantic feelings and intense crushes before (like AU and Superman for example. Different crushes, different reactions.) But in the long run, I still have never seen myself being attached to anyone. I feel as if my very existence is compromised, like everything I believe in could disappear the second I relinquish my freedom to another human being.

I guess I have yet to find the person who will truly make me feel like being in a relationship wouldn't be a prison. (AKA: I haven't found my Mr. Big.)

ANYWAY.
Here's a few random things that are in my brain.
-My obsession with Miraculous Ladybug has grown to elephantine proportions. For one, I am super fuckin upset that I couldn't go to the Ladybug Panel in AX because we went on Saturday and the Panel was on Sunday. BUT I'm super duper fuckin excited that apart from seasons 2 and 3, there seems to be enough material for 5-6 seasons~ Not to mention they mentioned a MANGA VERSION OF LADYBUG. I wonder if they'll keep Adrien and Marinette or will they make it with Bridgette and Felix. It would be cool to see them too to see if they're different from Adrienette, BUTTTTT Adrien and Marinette are such adorable characters, I can't imagine the story with any other characters~
-Yes, I am massively obsessed with this kids show.
-I couldn't find the miraculous earrings or ring or even a FUCKIN CARD HOLDER. I'm a sad panda.
-On the other hand, I found a super cute cat bag I might end up buying if it's on sale again some time OTL
-MY CHECK FOR THE NEXT PAYDAY IS GONNA BE SUPER SMALL
-I ALSO HAVE A HUGE DEBT IN MY CREDIT CARD OTL OTL OTL OTL Thanks AX OTL
-It's fuckin ridiculous how hard it is to customize rings tones and sounds on an iPhone 6 :/
-I regret not waiting for the 6 plus OTL Quite hardcore.
-Everything aches all over. Especially the bruises on my knees.
-Expecting a huge bill from the hospital the second they get the chance to charge me. The Private Hospital in my city is so fancy, there's a flatscreen TV in every room and a private bathroom. And this is just the ER rooms. With glass doors, mind you. I felt the bill go up every time I breathed from their AC cold air lol.....
-JADE IS SUPPOSED TO COME OVER ON WED TO WATCH MIRACULOUS LADYBUG ALL DAY WITH MEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHHHH until then I'm resisting watching it again rofl
-I CANNOT BELIEVE U-KISS' PROMOTIONS FOR STALKER ARE OVER. FML THAT WAS SO SHORT T_____________________________________________________T
-And as if it were fate, I finally bought my CD and SOO'S PHOTOCARD WAS INSIDE. I HAVE BEEN BLESSED.
-Considering drawing a bunch of little drawings in regards to Adrienette/LadyNoir/MariChat/Ladrien(????) because I have never shipped a ship so much (not even Naruhina and I'm hardcore on that shit too)
-I still am behind in my CD buying OTL But I've been so broke and there's so much to do and so many expenses OTL OTL OTL Failssssssssssss
-I honest to god hope that tomorrow I feel better. I need to get better by Thursday OTL

I have resting to do and a therapy session tomorrow. Here's hoping I won't be tired AF.

Toodles.

Miraculous.

So here's the kicker for starters.

In my last post I mentioned applying for a job (or a few really) to earn some extra cash before school starts. I finally received word from that and as it turns out, they're not interested on me working for them. So as bummed out as I was, I guess in a way it's also a blessing in disguise. I tire out extremely fast because of my AI, so the more I thought about it, the more I realized 10-11 hour shifts were probably not a good idea for me in the first place. Still, I casually commented to AU about it and his face looked genuinely pretty shocked. He asked me what happened and what they said and I honestly don't understand why. I felt like I was pretty qualified for such a menial and thankless job, so it came as a shock to not just AU, but lots of other people. Still he sort of tried to comfort me in saying "well I think you're probably better off" and I guess in a way he was right.

Still, it will always bring blows to my self esteem to know I've been rejected from a job I've seen complete idiots do. Then again, I think this might also just be a sign that it just wasn't meant to happen for whatever reason. Now, just like I've mentioned before, I'm not religious or anything, but sometimes when something of this caliber happens, I ask whatever God up there can hear me why he keeps on putting road blocks in my path. And other times when I'm feeling less shitty, I try to reassure myself that The Gods/Universe don't have a personal vendetta against me. That maybe it really is just like in Katy Perry's song, FIREWORK and "maybe the reason why all the doors have closed so you could open one that leads you to the perfect road."

I guess only time will tell.

Here's a few things that have happened in the past couple of days.
-I had to have some quality time with both my darlings Jade and Grace (who are without knowing, two peas in a pod. I swear to god these girls are quite similar) who also both share birthdays only 3 days apart! Grace and I went to have tea together in Old Town, which was lovely and nice and sweet. So much class in one room is unbelievably great. As for Jadey and I, we also hit Old town together and just basically ran around looking for any place with AC LOL It's been a great deal of time since I've had time to just relax out with friends so I'm so happy and I wish/hope we can have some more time together soon~
-I AM TRASH. I got hooked into watching Miraculous Ladybug and agh I hate myself for it because it's not even a great show, it's just super cliche and repetitive but honestly OTL I think sometimes you just need cliche and repetitive. I watched episode 1 out of curiosity and now I keep browsing the tag to see when they're gonna release season 2 (which is promising a BEE KWAMI???? ERM WHAT????) so if you know me and my life and choices and tastes.....I'm sorry (notsorry) OTL
-I still have not finished registering and signing up for school FJDS;JFUDJS;FLSDF why do I procrastinate to the very last minute!!??!?!? OTL
-I'm tired everyday and I keep eating my feelings. Great. 8 pounds ago I didn't have acid reflux as strongly as these days.
-Sigh. I have dreamt a few times with Superman. Unfortunately, it appears as if it really will take a long time for me to forget him entirely. Then again, it's not like He's my Mr. Big. Or is he...? I don't know. I hope not.


I'm tired AF. So I'm just gonna cut it short there. I was gonna put one more point regarding Superman and the idea of Mr. Big, but I won't. Not today. Another day.

Toodles.

Leaf.

Summer has officially started it's infernal blaze and my city is not just an epicenter for massive amounts of flames in that hell, but also of a massive drought and water shortage.

God, have mercy on us all.

People who know me know that summer is my least favorite season of all. It's the time of the year that though I wish I could wear sleeveless shirts, or even short sleeved shirts, I cannot because of super sensitive skin. Instead, I am forced to wear light long sleeved sweaters or long sleeved shirts even if it's 106° F outside, which is what Monday is supposed to be like...... Yay.

Summer job, school & an old flame. 
Recently I went to apply to a few places for a second job I desperately need. The expenses I have have increased and unfortunately, a part time is not enough. Thus, I went to apply at a few places, including the job of my old flame, AU. AU was my crush two years ago, a very sweet kid who has recently become a little warmer to me. We have a terrible history of awkwardness, mostly from my part for being cold and indifferent to him. I asked him about his job since they're hiring there and he warmly and nicely answered questions and told me to go for it. He's still an incredibly handsome kid, but my heart is still obviously still lingering for Superman. Today, he was the friendliest he's ever been to me on his own, asking about my day and shift and telling me about his without me having to initiate conversation. Hopefully this means we can finally be normal around each other without 600 layers of awkwardness. On the other hand, there's also the reality of the job search. I haven't heard back yet from them and I really wish it's just as another coworker of AU's said. Keeping my fingers crossed that it will take just a little bit. I'm in desperate need of more money for school OTL... if I'm unable to land a job in the next month, I will be obligated to, once again, delay my entrance to school because of money issues OTL..... Nevertheless, it's better to try all the way to the end and hope for the best in the long run. This week I had zero time off work. My usual resting day, I had to cover for my sweet coworker. He's covered for me so many times, it didn't take a second for me to say yes. Unfortunately I had to cancel plans with Jade, but I'm glad she's so understanding. Hopefully I get to see her soon.

The trouble with bunnies. 
Usually Cats and Dogs are a common household companion. They're relatively easy and only require essential things, are capable to roam around freely after some training and will most likely be ok if taken care of. This is not the case for rabbits. For people who have never owned rabbits, it appears as if it's simple enough. Keep them caged and feed them carrots, water and let them be cute. But taking care of rabbits is difficult and also a bit stressful. There's alot of things that differ from taking care of a larger and usually more manageable creatures like a dog or a cat. Their diets are pretty flexible (not entirely but a bit more flexible) and exercise, love, caring, and freedom are quite required and encouraged. A Dog and a cat will even become so emotionally connected to you, like my darling friend Jenni's adorable cat, Tora, who is such a sweet little creature. I've spent nights in her house in which Tora would feel my discomfort and feel like I wake up in the middle of the night and she will come and keep me company, to soothe me into slumber. You will not get these sort of things with a small creature like a rabbit, guinea pig or ferret, especially not with rabbits. Where Dogs and cats can become trusting and strong creatures, rabbits are very, very fragile in every sense of the word. They are known for having an anxious nature because of their natural instinct of vulnerability and being hunted in the wild often as easy prey. It takes ALOT to earn the trust of a rabbit. One little thing and you have to start over from scratch so that fluffy little creature will remember you won't hurt it. Diet is also another difficult part. Rabbits have a very, very strict diet, with very specific ratios for each rabbit. There's so much they cannot eat, they have extremely sensitive digestive systems and even things they can eat they need to eat at moderate portions, excluding hay which they can have infinite amounts of. A Rabbit can become very sick very quickly, especially of digestive problems, and it might sometimes lead to death, so a good balanced diet is extremely important. Rabbits are sensitive with temperatures, especially hot weather. They need colder areas or cooling methods to stay cool especially in California weather. They also need companionship. Usually people who have rabbits have them in pairs. Unfortunately for us, my rabbit was actually a present my sisters boyfriend gave her, and instead of a pair, it was just the one tiny bunny. The two of them are irresponsible people, feeding excessive amounts of carrots and pellets, so she grew super quick and sort of unhealthy. So in order to maintain this defenseless animal alive, I took full custody of it and everything it requires. Rabbits need to run around alot too. They need to have an area and at least 4 hours of play time outside of a cage, room to stretch and clean water and hay all day. Investing in a good area for a rabbit is also expensive, since when a rabbit is outside into any living room or room in general, nothing is safe from it's sharp little claws and teeth. All in all, there's alot of rules to taking care of a rabbit.

But I love this tiny little creature so much. Champurrado (her name) is a tiny little ball of fluffy adorable love and though it's difficult work, I love seeing her run around and jump and sit, and petting her cute little head. I love coming home from work and seeing her put her little paws in the cage asking me to let her out. I love my little bun so much that it doesn't matter if it's difficult work. For me, she is an important companion and I will do my damnest to keep her healthy and around for as long as rabbit-ly possible. I know alot of the time people will see these creatures as indifferent because they can't come to you like a dog would if it senses you aren't feeling well. But I know deep down in that tiny little bun heart, she understands that I cherish and love her, and I feel like the trust she has in me is her way of saying she loves me too.

ANYWAY. I have alot to do still this week OTL Tomorrow I'm going out with a friend for her birthday and on Sunday I have to go buy fresh vegies at the farmers market again. I picked up my medicine, call maintenance about our door at home, finished my online orientation, still need to make a Vet appointment at the exotic animal hospital, arranged for Champurrado to have play dates with Dinner, the bun at my sister job. I have to buy market for the week, need to go to the asian super market since my mom loves miso soup and demands more. Have to go look for some flooring for the playpen area, gotta check up on the job applications, need to pay my moms phone bill and etc etc.................. so much to do and so little time.

Here's hoping things go well for us all.

ALSO BEFORE I FORGET. I'm 80% done with The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. It's still not interesting 80% in but I'm almost done. I 100% regret buying it and I will probably give it away for free the second I get the chance.

I have to shower and sleep. I'm beat. BEAT I tell's ya.

Toodles~