GOALS.

Over the past two weeks, I find myself writing much, much more in my locked diary on my computer. (Have I said I love my computer yet? because I do, I really do.)

It's always been a habit of mine to metaphorically lock my true and deep, dark feelings behind a locked safe to which only I have the key to.

Evidently, I'm not a big sharer in terms of actual feelings, despite of how honest I want to be on my blogs.

There's alot and nothing going on at home at the same time, if that makes any sense. Grandmother gets worse by the day, I broke my really good streak of healthy eating and exercising after EXO's concert (ugh), and I have to go and check that my bunny is healthy otherwise I'm going to continue this streak of sleepless nights. Even my expenses have increased in the sense that I have no idea how to save money once more. It's been a bit of a struggle, all self inflicted of course.

That's the worst part of it all, I know exactly where my financial struggles come from. It's the other struggles I find myself losing sleep over.

All in all, today is the last day of May and with June starting tomorrow, I continue my years long tradition, so namely called because I have been doing this since I was around 13-14 years old:

THE MID YEAR EVALUATION.
(That's tomorrow though if I can remember. Or sometime in June. Any of these days is fine, no pressure, @ myself.)

Struggling into success.

I was just having a look at twitter recently, and came across a long time friend. She's young, vivacious and very busy, so busy I'm lucky to hear from her from time to time a couple of months apart.

For many years now, I see that so many young people, or people around my age in general, are always jam packed with things to do. We're not teenagers anymore. We're considered adults, and as adult's we're always told we have to behave as such.

The world has defined an adult as someone who takes life seriously. Someone who plans ahead, who is prepared, who is able to maintain calm in situations. Someone who is not afraid of others and is willing to stand the ground on their beliefs. Someone who is capable of being a head of family, to head off into marriage and after conceiving being able to be a respectable Mother or Father to their children. An Adult is someone who is willing to maturely accept the world as it is, and if not, at least be a good example to those around them.

While some of these sound so noble, so true at certain extents, it still amazes me to no end seeing young kids (and I mean kids) trying their damnest to be mature during their high school years, in order to bring pride to themselves and their parents. It's lovely, you know, trying to make your mother and father proud with your hard work. A lot of kids these days have grown into mature and successful members of society because of their mature outlook in life. They alone have accomplished alot of things some of us in our older age have not, and probably never will as well.

But what about those who are trying their hardest to seem mature while having the struggling heart of an inner child trying to stay alive?

There's countless of people in the world who though aren't necessarily afraid of growing up, are a bit afraid of the future. They hide behind a prankster personality, they hide behind their immature antics and sometimes over all destroy their own futures running away from things they don't want to consider. And then there's the kids that are like my friend, who, though is very mature, is also very playful and charming and busy, busy, busy, trying their damnest to not seem lazy to the world. We spend so much of our lives trying to fit this mold of success ruled by the numbers of age and time.

We spend most of our young adult lives not knowing at all who the hell we are or if we'll ever find the reason for our lives.

We forget to do so many things in the progress while we're jam packing schedules and weeks in between the necessities of life, like school and work just so we feel useful to society.

Well, not me, but some people who are actually thinking of their futures I mean.

My own schedule is all around work and chores and duties of things I have to do for the sake of others. Once a week for a few weeks, I've tried to give myself a day of de-stressing, but even then, that's also planned and scheduled.

I hope that people who are out there working their little butts off like they do, with school and work and studying and being social for a purpose and all those things they want to do in their Universities or internships or work in general can find a moment to remember to give themselves a moment to breathe without feeling bad. It's not just the friend mentioned who has this habit of forgetting to look at how far they've come to have earned that extra three hours of sleep that day, so much to the point that instead of saying "I deserved that break" they say "Ugh fuck, I'm being unproductive and I slept extra fml".

Sometimes we're so harsh on ourselves we forget that life should be enjoyed, not dictated.

ANYWAY in either case, though this isn't the actual evaluation, I just want to give a try to not let things like goals and not achieved goals get to me. Actually, seeing how focused some people are, sometimes I can't help but feel and remember what little motivation I have as a person. But our circumstances are different. I don't know the stories of these busy people and the don't know mine, so it's easy for me to scold and advice. In either case, I will send good vibes to my busy friends and hope they get to enjoy life sometimes.

I HAVE WORK TOMORROW, PAY DAY, AND A DOC APP WITH MY SIS.


Toodles~

606

At the end of every year, there are certain things I have done and not done. By that, I don't mean the endless traditions around the world that people do in hopes for a bright and happy new 365 days of what we call a year.

Yes, I still eat the grapes at the struck of twelve seconds to midnight, with only zero point zero one percent of belief that they might come true.
Yes, I still wait up and yell Happy New year with the rest of the world in the same coastal and bi-coastal areas, cheering for having one cycle to end and another one to begin.

Yes, I still make the crappy resolutions that we all make, about losing weight and being a better person, about trying to take care of me.
About making promises about how I'm going to better myself as a human being, whatever the hell that means.

I've been doing this for now 27, about to be 28 years of my life with little fruitation, with little hopes and little believes as to what the future holds for me and those around me.

2016 was an extremely painful year.

Once upon a time for a little while, I made an entry in the beginning of the year telling myself that I hope that because the year 2016 held my favorite number, it would bring me lots of happiness and, if not achievements, at least a few little steps into what would be a good path.

All in all, even though I always complain about it, even though all my writing is always dramatic and painful and full of words about how excruciating and exhausting and tiring it is "to be me" so to say, this is completely different from trying to relieve my stress through writing. I honestly can't put into words how.......sad this year was for me. To my friends that know, they understand why I'm even more insufferable than usual. To those who don't, I don't feel too bad they don't, mainly because it's something pitiful and cruel. And I've already been told "I'm so sorry. Hang in there" so much since November that I don't think I want to keep hearing the words right now. Not while I should be making memories.

Memories. That's all I think about now a days.

When I start a new year, there are a few personal things I do. The notebooks and notes that I always make to write my feelings or thoughts are burned. They're destroyed in symbolism to end with the 365'th day for when the cycle of earths orbit restarts. I give myself one final night of the sorrow of the year, of the happiness of it and lots of other things that I always feel will be the last. It reminds me of Time. And for those who know me well enough know time is dangerous, what it means as well. For the 4th consecutive year, it was an empty calendar. There were no moments of personal achievements like other years. There was a time a long time ago when I'd take upon small personal projects for growth, for learning, for nurturing my mind before it's inevitable doom towards not even remembering my own phone number, let alone the words to my favorite song.

My nephew is the only occurrence of 2016 that is worth celebrating and remembering fondly. A bland, boring and sad year over all apart from that tiny ball of adorable sunshine.

There is nothing in 2017 that promises it will be a better year. I know if anyone who knows me where to come across this post, they'd see a classic downer post, no different from my countless rants and spur of the moment darkness; Yet another post of my angst and negativity. It's not. This is an empty post for the only plans I have for my next 364 days (-1 day because it's already January 1st 2017).

This year there is only a few things I want to do. They've all been formed and shaped by the upcoming events for radical reasons.

All in all, I will be going into this year for the first time in 6 years solo. There is no place to run to like I usually did once a week. I have to go with this whole thing, this journey into unknown territory alone.

Second of all, there is the preparation to dealing with the stages of grief, which I've already started. I cannot hold it off forever and it's coming up in a slow and agonizing way, but picking up speed to the inevitable.

Third of all, my future at the hands of the future of this country in jeapordy. Whether I thrive or not is now in the hands of newly appointed by a majorly biased population now. What pity. I really enjoyed the 3 years of freedom I had.

Three things in a list seems like so little but it's three huge events.

Every year since I discovered it, I read Atlas Shrugged like most people read the bible. The thought that my thoughts aren't alone is comforting. It's the only light I've had in my path in so long, it reminds me that I have a choice of what to do for the rest of my life. I wanted to be like Ayn's Characters. I was young and naive and thought I could be like Dagny. Like Dominique. Like Gail, like Roark. I thought I could be like John Galt. But I'm actually more like Cherryl Taggart. A worshiper of the only things I believe in life.


I want to live my life from now on away from all of this.

“Learn to distinguish the difference between errors of knowledge and breaches of morality. An error of knowledge is not a moral flaw, provided you are willing to correct it; only a mystic would judge human beings by the standard of an impossible, automatic omniscience. But a breach of morality is the conscious choice of an action you know to be evil, or a willful evasion of knowledge, a suspension of sight and of thought. That which you do not know, is not a moral charge against you; but that which you refuse to know, is an account of infamy growing in your soul. Make every allowance for errors of knowledge; do not forgive or accept any break of morality.”

For 2017, it's time to put away all the things I once believed in. Every year, I allow myself to fall for the same garbage. For the same hopes and dreams. I consider them garbage now in the sense that I've had the exact same mentality for most of my life without cause or reason. No, I will not suddenly become ignorant to how difficult it will be to leave the old mentalities behind. But it is necessary to get rid of every piece of non-sense I've drilled into my brain, or that has been drilled into my brain. I have loved Astronomy for so long, for such a long time I have looked at the stars fondly, in awe of the beauty of creation, of the universe, of the endless possibilities, of the catastrophic ends. Unlike the world, unlike life, the universe and the cosmos are endless and absolute; their laws are eternal. We are not. We are here in a place in life where we care about things that ultimately do not matter. That will never matter. I will sit in loneliness all my life because no one will ever know things I will never allow them to see. I will always look at the light of dead stars in the sky knowing I can never see the beginning or the end.

I cannot allow my life to keep going in this same path anymore.

No matter what I do, I cannot became the cold emotionless person I want to be. I cannot sit in a room full of people in sorrow and pretend I don't see them in pain. But from now on, I think I will stop putting all these people ahead of me every time. I'm selfish. I'm selfish to the core and I know it. And I love it. I have the confidence to know I will be ok by myself, I always have. But I'm not stupid. We need people's encouragement to continue living in life. We need to surround ourselves with those who reflect us and our greatest achievements, our greatest achievements and dreams. I want to keep the people who's lives influences mine with me. But loving people is not enough reason to allow them to hurt you. Loving and being kind to people so they don't feel what you do is not enough reason to allow them the chance to become more important than you are. I know this. But I've still let this happen all my life.

I'm tired of it lol

365 days in a year are not enough days in life to make a change from a difficult life. I'm not the kind of person who is going to claim that from now on things will be entirely different, that I will wake up tomorrow morning with a completely different attitude and I will confidently walk into a new day with a big heroic smile on my face ready to take on any challenge. I'm just so very tired of promising myself shit and getting nowhere at all with it, because even I know it won't happen if I still make the same promises. Promises ceased to mean something to me so long ago. I've never been stupid enough to believe in the white lies. I've never wanted to see things for what they were. That's what I'm trying to end now.

2017 is such a dramatic number, and this is just another dramatic post.

But for me, this is the true end, the reset because I'm still Mystic Messenger trash.

I think it's really time for me to give up. To truly start over.

I want to look at the cosmos every day from now on, to remind me, to remind my head that there's still something to see. Something to enjoy in my existence, even if it's just for a little while longer.

So I will. No matter what the consequence.

Loser.

The past couple of weeks have been............ unproductive to say the very least.

I have gone through my days, and also my money, in the same way that I think I told myself I wouldn't let happen: In complete and utter waste.

I'm broker and more bored than I have been in years.

Maybe it's becoming painfully obvious that I'm unable to deal with the situations around me to the point I'm letting myself come across the familiar. The one that constantly tells me at every hour of the day that "This is as good as it's going to get."

Even so, I have done a few things that I think I'm either gonna love or regret later. Including the therapy sessions with my now one month long therapist, who is very, very sweet and very understanding, a bit more than even my previous therapist, who was also very nice.

THE VALUE OF TIME
Alot of the time, I tell myself that I shouldn't worry about things that haven't happened yet. I tell myself not to stress. I tell myself that there are things in this world that aren't worth worrying about, you know, basic thoughts to prevent yourself from being overwhelmed. But to my misfortune, I've been cursed with the inability to relax in the face of stress. When something happens, the first thing I tell myself, or more like, my brain tells me, is "Ugh. How long will this last?"

I always put a time to when things should or I expect for them to happen.

But there are times when that's not such a bad idea. It lets you stop yourself at a certain moment to wait. To let yourself wait for the proper time to execute things. To see a plan fulfilled properly, to see something end and start something different without overlapping and overwhelming yourself. There's always two sides to the use of time.

On the one hand you have the amount of time you will have something in your life. Nothing is forever, so there are lots of things we take for granted at the moment, like our parents, our family, youth, jobs, friendships, circumstances, relationships, etc. Something here today will be gone tomorrow for sure. We will grow old and we will see tiny children, if we're lucky enough to survive, grow up to be adults, good or bad. We will see the best person turned into the worse and vice versa. We will see ourselves as complete strangers with people who we used to talk to 24/7. We will see the end of eras, things, fashion, technology. There's so much we will see end.

And with something ending, something new will come to take it's place. Maybe not in it's entirety new, but new enough. New to our own lives. We might see non-believers who never thought they'd find love in relationships, or even marriage. We might be re-united with old friends, friends you haven't seen in 10-15 give or take. We will see the end of something really cool but been brought back in the future as something new, something retro, something modified. We might see dead dreams return, the possibility opening. Hell, we might even see old doors that once were closed be opened, and with a new life, a new attitude towards walking through them. We will never know, nothing is as predictable as it seems.

I've spent so much of my life observing time, watching the clock tick, watching it dictate every single second and hating it. Alot of people don't know that about me. I absolutely despise time.

But sometimes, time isn't too bad.

This week, I declare it to be my last lazy week.
Yes, I say that every week but I feel like I finally have some motivation to do something I've been wanting to do for a while.

Here's a few random things for the week:
-So the new season of Miraculous Ladybug is coming out in May. May 2017. What the hell am I supposed to do with my life until then????????????????????????????
 -Recently, I made a drawing, and I thought the drawing was pretty ok. So I bought a sketchbook and I bought it with full intention of drawing and practicing, but the more I think about it, the lazier I get. I really need to stop doing that. OTL I have a bunch of fuckin sketchbooks that are nearly empty because once in a blue moon, I get the urge to draw OTL.......
-THE iPHONE 7 WILL BE OUT SOON. I have the terrifying dilemma of either buying a new computer to resume my PS addiction, OR buying the  iPhone 7 Plus, because as much as I love my phone, I will always regret I didn't get the plus OTL................. The screen is too small for me OTL
-You are what you eat and I am basically garbage. Why is everything delicious so fattening? OTL
-We haven't gotten the bill for my mom but I'm assuming it's $400 for just a sample of blood. 1. Just 1. 1, guys. O-N-E.
-I'm obsessed with OH MY GIRL's Windy Day. Why. Why do I always like songs that are done promoting OTL..........
-Also I'm obsessed with Ariana Grande's Into You. It's great. Go listen.
-I started watching Once Upon a time again, right where I left off and I'm glad to realize I not only still like it but also remember the plot even though it's been months LOL OTL
-OTL OTL OTL OTL I'm a bit of applying for another credit card BUTTTTTTTTTT my brother got angry I got credit at a store where the interest is pretty high. OTL I'm awful with numbers..........
-I know I should start planning on applying for Spring semester at PCC BUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT i'm too concerned in saving for tax season next year because my boss is a jerk.  Yay. Yayyy..................
-I should probably make that fall bucketlist but for some awful terrifying reason I have not. Why. Why.
-Random fact: In an attempt to beat out the awful blues I had when I had to post-pone once again going to school, I have used my lovely thin-liner from Tarte every day, mascara and lip tint. I've always told myself to wait until I feel like I "look" better to "dress up" but since this Time thing has been in my head, I'm just gonna say fuck it and wear my wings regularly again. Why the fuck not?

I'm tired of waiting for the right time to come along.

So from now on, I'll just do whatever the fuck I want.

Slowly cuz.... no confidence, but fuck it.

Toodles~

FALLING

For the past couple of weeks, though I've been lamenting not being able to attend school like I had planned, I have found myself undoubtedly excited for fall to arrive.

For those who don't know me, this is my favorite time of the year. Fall has always symbolized the beginning of the end. I know that sounds grim and exactly like something I would say but by that I mean fall is when the year itself is reminding us that it'll all be over soon, so instead of sending off melancholic memories of the past Spring and Summer, it's when the world itself restarts a new. School starts again, people begin college if they're going, children in primary, middle, high school lament summer vacation is ending but always starting a brand new year, jobs refresh and plans begin for the upcoming holidays in the next few months. Not to mention, fashion changes, what with the September issue of every magazine making it's thick and heavy appearance.

I adore fall. I adore everything that comes with it. I love cold mornings and cloudy days. I adore the slow down at work, hot tea and cold weather. I look forward to the upcoming holidays, Halloween, Thanksgiving, The Day of the Dead and All saints day. It's just always been a favorite of mine. Though holidays have always been disappointing, they're still nice, ultimately because we're still together. My family and I are loner types, our holidays spent in solitude but otherwise happy and comfortable.

So for the time, I really wish I could do something different this year to perk up my spirits. Excited as I am for fall like always, I feel the numbness from the past couple of months. I hope my next post has the Fall Phobia bucketlist I keep meaning to write but forget amidst all the chaos.

In the meantime, I have a decision to make regarding a second job I should take. Time will tell. Time will tell....

HERE'S A SURVEY.

RANDOM SURVEY
DO YOU SNORE?
Yes I think O_O I think my family has said I snore, not loudly, but loud enough they know I do. Which is ah...hahaha.....

LOVER OR A FIGHTER?
I guess lover. Meh. I'm bad at fights...

WHAT'S YOUR WORST FEAR?
THAT'S A HARD QUESTION I DON'T KNOW HOW TO ANSWER.
I've got so many fears, it's hard to pick just one ROFL....

AS A KID, WERE YOU A LEGO BUILDER?
Nope D: I didn't have a childhood apparently jfldk;sjalfs d

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF "REALITY TV"?
I think it's meh and obviously not reality. Let's be real here, everything is planned.

DO YOU CHEW ON YOUR STRAWS?
Nope that's annoying AF O_O

WERE YOU A CUTE BABY?
I don't know O_O I don't think so rofl

HOW IS THE SINGLE LIFE FOR YOU?
It's great, thanks for asking, survey xD

WHAT COLOR IS YOUR KEYBOARD?
Black. Like my soul.

DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER?
Yes O_O Not outloud but sort of. Unless I actually play music, in which case, an entire performance happens.

HAVE YOU EVER BUNGEE JUMPED?
NO BUT I WANNAAAAAA

ANY SECRET TALENTS?
Not that I know of. If I have any, they're secret even to me ROFL...

WHAT'S YOUR IDEAL VACATION SPOT?
Anywhere but here.

HAVE YOU EATEN SUSHI?
Yes, and I love it.

HAVE YOU SEEN THE MOVIE "DONNIE DARKO"?
No. Should I....?

DO YOU GIVE A DARN ABOUT THE OZONE?
Yes :/ We should probably care about these things if we want to continue living.

HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO GET TO THE CENTER OF A TOOTSIE POP?
I don't know honestly. I don't like candy/sweets that much.

CAN YOU SING THE ALPHABET BACKWARDS?
No x___x not even gonna try *lazy*

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON AN AIRPLANE?
Yeah~ Just once lol

ARE SPEEDO'S HOT?
No?

?????

WHAT'S YOUR STAND ON HUNTING?
They need to stop doing that bullshit.

IS MARRIAGE IN YOUR FUTURE?
Hell no LOL....

DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
No Dx I write like I'm being rushed even when I write slowly.

WHAT ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO?
Cheap jewelry....

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAID, "I LOVE YOU"
I'm not sure @_@

IS TUPAC STILL ALIVE?
You tell me. Is he? O_O

DO YOU CRY AT WEDDINGS?
Nah.

HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS?
Scrambled, no salt, lots of pepper.

ARE BLONDES DUMB?
?????????????? Don't know how hair color makes someone dumb. Being dumb doesn't discriminate hair colors LOL...

WHERE DOES THE OTHER SOCK END UP?
what.

WHAT TIME IS IT?
9:52 pm

DO YOU HAVE A NICKNAME?
A few.

IS MCDONALD'S DISGUSTING?
YES.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE IN A CAR?
Yesterday.

DO YOU PREFER BATHS OR SHOWERS?
Both.

IS SANTA CLAUSE REAL?
No, but don't let kids know that. Seriously.

ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK?
Depends. You know how sometimes your mind can create things that aren't there? Yeah the dark doesn't help.....

WHAT ARE YOU ADDICTED TO?
Iced black tea, Marichat, thin eyeliners.

CRUNCHY OR CREAMY PEANUT BUTTER?
Both.

HAVE YOU EVER RIDDEN IN AN AMBULANCE?
Yeah.........................................

HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BRUSHED YOUR TEETH TODAY?
Twice @_@

IS DRUG FREE THE WAY TO BE?
Drug Free is the only way to be.

ARE YOU WEARING SOCKS?
Yes~

HAVE YOU EVER HITCH HIKED?
Good god no O_O

WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR EYES?
Brown.

WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
The better question is when have I not rofl....

DO YOU LIKE YOUR LIFE?
Previous question and answer tells you that answer.

WHOSE LIFE IS BETTER?
You can't compare lives. Everyone has a different struggle.

Though Nana from afterschool....... Wouldn't complain tbh.

ARE YOU PSYCHIC?
If I were I'd have predicted this stupid question....

HAVE YOU READ "CATCHER IN THE RYE"?
No, but I've heard of it and to a certain point know how it goes. Eek.

DO YOU PLAY ANY INSTRUMENTS?
A bit.

CAN YOU SKATEBOARD?
Nope.

DO YOU LIKE CAMPING?
Never been Dx

DO U SNORT WHEN U LAUGH?
Sometimes if it's so fuckin hilarious I literally have ROFL but otherwise no.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC?
I guess in a way I kinda do. But then again it might just be wishful thinking to something that I know is impossible that I try to tell myself might not be as impossible as it seems.

IS A DOG A MAN'S BEST FRIEND?
Sure thing.

YOU BELIEVE IN DIVORCE?
??????????????????????It happens all the time, kinda have to take that into it existing as a thing LOL

CAN YOU DO THE MOONWALK?
I can't even regular walk bro.

DOES YOUR MOM KNOW YOU HAVE A MYSPACE?
....................................... Ok but how old is this survey.

WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
Shin Ramyun cup, a bag of Doritos and a plain black tea with ice. Diet, be damned!

DO YOU WEAR NAILPOLISH?
When I'm not lazy, yes.

DO YOU LIKE SOMEONE RIGHT NOW?
I'M NOT GONNA ANSWER THESE ANYMORE.

WHAT'S THE MOST ANNOYING TV COMMERCIAL?
I don't watch enough TV to judge right now @_@

DO YOU SHOP AT AMERICAN EAGLE?
No.

FAVORITE BAND AT THE MOMENT?

U-KISS 4 LYFE.

In desperate need of some actual rest. Just got back from old town with the goodies of a new BELIEF face cleaner, which I swear by, a TARTE super fine liner (Because you need those sharp tiny wings) and a Smashbox water primer (just cuz it was cheap). At some point, I do have to start taking pics. But first, I need a new PC OTL and for that I need more moollah... so I need another job and ----

ANYWAY.

I have to let the bun run right now. And another looooooooooooong day awaits tomorrow.

Toodles~

BLACK CAT.

When this year began, I had high hopes that it would be what dreams were made of. I religiously checked my horoscope and it promised grand things (Yes, I know it's all speculation and facade, but it's still fun) were to come as this year progressed. The Number 16 has always been my lucky number.

But unfortunately, it seems as if that was all wishful thinking.

I'm not sure on what to believe in anymore, in all honesty. I began this blog thinking that maybe, just maybe, it would be filled with good memories and pictures of adventures for the summer, my phobia bucketlist, plans for the upcoming school year, etc. In the end, it seems to be just like all my not public journals where it shows the massive amounts of stress and drama my life seems to have at all times.

So I thought that maybe I might just stop myself from writing all that drama and focusing on only the happy things life has to offer but....

....Would that even be sincere?

I don't want to pretend to have a happy life knowing that it isn't exactly as it is.

When it comes to talking about problems, I feel as if people think I exaggerate on the amount of issues one person can have. I am sad to say that nothing I tell is a lie. Yes, my life is this full of drama and despair. So I don't usually tell the whole world to what magnitude things are in fear of the pity. Only a few close friends know of the massive amounts of stress I harbor in every waking moment. It's something I wouldn't wish on even my worst enemy.

In the end, I try to remember all the things I once thought of as absolute and true.

Yes, this is still as major bullshit as it has always been but....

....Even that has an end.

The following are things that have been in the last couple of days and other random things as they have come.
-I will no longer be going to school for the fall as planned. Need the money for something else.
-The Boxer who sort of asked me out finally came around and asked me to hang out platonically which I'm super glad for. One down in that sense. The other friend who asked me out though is still extremely weird about it all and I have a feeling he won't be the same with me again.
-I ordered a wallet that was not delivered to my house and I'm unsure as to what to do. Ugh.
-The majority of the past 3 weeks have been one terrible day after the other. There was not one day that a customer didn't give me shit for things that were beyond my control or just them being illogical beyond belief. A woman STOLE from the store and made it seem like I had been the one who was at fault for her stupidity. Don't really know how much more of this I can take.
-But there is no choice in the matter and I must def need to look for a second job.
-I'm bored of the Pokemon game, as I expected I would be in the amount of time it took so I'm unsure of what to do with myself in all honesty.
-All I've done with my life the last weeks is read ML fanfics (mostly Marichat and Adrienette) and that's it. That's my entertainment. It's very sad.
-The speaker I used at work to listen to the radio so I don't have to sit in silence all day got fucked up so now I have to.... sit in silence again. With my head. This can't be good.
-I'm super low on funds and it won't matter how much money I try to save, it'll never be enough for anything. Sigh.
-I'm so sad seeing everyone going back to school and realizing that I can't go yet again. I'm getting old, man. I'm gonna be 28 next year and I haven't even gone for ONE semester to college. How's that for pathetic?
-Speaking of pathetic, guess who still talks about Superman like he's still there even though he's been gone for 5 months. Until when will I continue to stupidity.
-AU left. After all this time that I had been waiting to talk to him and when were starting to become friendly, he left. The day I bought him water from my store as a thank you, that was the last day I ever saw him. He hasn't returned since. That was last month I think.
-Another person who's leaving is my therapist. Next week is our last session. I'm terrible at saying goodbye....
-There's so much to do and so many numbers to call in regards to my mom. So many doctor visits to make to make sure every things alright. So many hospital bills to pay (mine, hers.) it's all so much in such little time....
-If it's not noticeable I'm just severely overwhelmed about it all. I keep dreaming that I can rest. It seems like it's just that. A Dream.
-I feel so bored without U-KISS promoting in Korea. I love them promoting in Japan and I love their Japanese releases but they promoting in Korea has always been so much more fun, so much more exciting. When they're not promoting, I don't have any music to look forward to. It's sad. I miss them. I miss it alot.

Sigh. I don't know what else to say.
Honestly, I'm trying my best to cope with everything. But it gets to me so much that things just never seem to go the right way. Not every waking moment of life is painful. Not every single second is pain. But it's just very overwhelming to expect peace and get none of that. It's so overwhelming to see the future so bleak. To see it so dark and hopeless. That's all I see in my head.

If I had a Miraculous, I'd had Chat Noirs. The bringer of bad luck. The power of destruction.

The Black Cat of bad luck.

And yes, this is me being Miraculous Trash.

Tragic.

I've told a few people that I know but sometimes I feel like my life is a badly written cliched drama that someone watches and enjoys watching only because it's so cliche.

But nothing could've prepared me, or any of us really, for what happened this week.

Needless to say that it will be a very difficult next couple of years. The struggles to keep our family together and being able to successfully raise my sisters baby in our house will no doubt be difficult and present for as long as we're needed in his life. We will remember this all as nothing less than the most bitter and disgusting of experiences and we will be reminded of the anger. We will be reminded of the pain and we'll have to live the rest of our lives with a question we can't answer.

Why, will always come into effect as the first reply to those thoughts, should they remain.

But a part of me sees only relief in the midst of all the sadness.
A part of me is glad that we have a bright and loving future to look forward to. We have a tiny life that needs us at 100%. We will rise from this like phoenixes and remember this cannot destroy us. Especially my sister. We will always remind her she can and will prevail.

For the rest of this year I have big plans that no longer match what I had thought of before. My plans to go to school have been replaced with first priority standards surrounding the little life we hold in our hands. A walking piece of my sisters heart. This is my priority now and I will continue in making all of it a reality for as long as I'm needed to teach. I have to save not for school but for expenses that though High, will be worth it.

I will waste the rest of my waking breathe into holding my self back from seeking the destruction and annihilation of something who has hurt our family in such a cruel and hateful way. I will have to learn to not let the hate I feel consume me into doing something stupid. I can do this. Only because I know life will take care of that one for me.

For the rest of the nights for a long time, I will be awake. I will only stay awake in case the person who is my sunshine has her shine back again. A shine that can't be destroyed or tarnished or dimmed. You can't aim for the sun and reaching it without getting burned. This is the same case for my sister. She's my happy sunshine ray, the girl who see's the good things of the world. You can not destroy her spirit.

But until then, I will just painfully and agonizingly cry.

Because there is nothing I do or say that will make her feel better that time can't do better.

I hope I have happier news for a new entry. I'm very sick of the sad ones.

Go.

It's been a few days since I've willed myself to write after the Panic attack. Though it's fine now, I still feel a little on-edge. As if it's still lurking somewhere in the back of my head, especially at work.

Even so, I've felt much better and though I don't want to have any record of admitting it, also a little bored.

Then again, those that know me know that these periods of Boredom are pretty permanent. Not the kind of bored that tells you to do something and it will disappear. It's the kind of boredom that sees no end, the one that you wake up in the morning to look forward to nothing. The kind that even if you jam pack your schedule to exhaustion, you'll still feel empty. It's that kind of boredom. Then again, I usually feel this, on a regular basis, But once in a while there's a little spark that takes my time.

Midnight Training
For a little it was Miraculous Ladybug but I've finished the first season so now until it returns, I'm obsessing over Pokemon Go, almost to the annoying level. I've used it as an excuse to go outside and look around for Pokemon. Yesterday night, Doug, my sister and I went to look around for Pokemon at the Stadium. It was really cool, there were actually quite a few people looking around for Pokemon as well eventhough it was 10 PM. We had hamburgers and took them back to my house, and sat in the front because someone had used Lure to lure them to the corner of my street. We weren't the only ones. I know alot of people think it's going too far, that people are doing unnecessary things, like walk around aimlessly and alone at 3am looking for a Pikachu. Although to a certain level I agree, people have to set their own limits and use their own common sense. This just brings it out of people alot more easy, Pokemon being childhood nostalgia for alot of us. I for one, love this game quite a bit, it's fun and it makes me want to go some places I wouldn't normally go, but I also wouldn't go to that many extremes just for it. Yesterday night, we were just chilling outside eating burgers and playing a game til midnight. I had company the whole time, I was sitting down, I wasn't walking around aimlessly. Cautiously looking around for any suspicious people. We never went near the Poke lures that were too suspicious looking (Then again, my city is pretty safe so there actually were none but we were taking precaution) or that weren't in public. It's pretty stupid honestly to think this game can be dangerous. Everything can be dangerous if you take it too far. For me, I just want to play this perfectly innocent game until I get bored of it.

Here's a few happenings of the week.
-I have successfully reached the limit of my  bank account. As in, I'm so broke. So broke. I haven't been this broke in a while. It's ridiculous how broke I am. I can't even buy a sandwich. Those are like two bucks. Omg.....
-Apart from Playing Pokemon Go, I've downloaded an app on my phone called Charity Miles. When I start the game up and I know I'm going to be walking for a little while, it allows me to donate money for the walking I'm doing to something like The Leukimia and Lymphoma society, Operation Smile, American Diabetes Association, ASPCA, St. Judes Childrens Research Hospital, (RED), Team Red, While and Blue, Girls on the Run, The Nature Conservacy, Special Olympics, Charity Water, etc. I've wanted to do this for a while, so I'm expecting to walk around alot more just for this~
-The one dude who confessed to me will not come around anymore rofl....
-The other one too....
-Saw a friend yesterday who also obviously had a crush on me and yeah this is getting a little ^^;;;;;;;;;
-On the other hand, I think I saw Superman yesterday but he didn't come around. So message received and taken.
-I haven't seen AU anymore either D: I'd feel sort of sad now if he left not because of feelings, but because we were just starting to become friends rofl (happens alot to me in life though so I wouldn't be surprised, I have been expecting him to leave for so long.)
-I HAVE BEEN LOOKING AT THIS PARTICULAR COMIC OF MIRACULOUS LADYBUG AND FUCKIN LAUGHING WHEN I'M AT WORK EVERY TIME I REMEMBER IT BECAUSE I HONESTLY CANNOT WITH ADRIEN AGRESTE AND HIS TERRIBLE CANON PUNS.
-I REALLLLLLLLLLLLLLY love Out of my life, from Kevin's solo Release fjskda;jf It's such a beautiful song, and I love the harmony between K and Kevin and jfdslkaj;fl sdIt's a beautiful song ;A; I'm very sad I wasted all my money (FOR NO REASON) in AX, because I really wanted to buy Kev's solo too sobs OTL So that's gonna have to wait.
-I told myself I'd do exercise this week. I told myself I'd eat healthy this week. It's only tuesday but I already fucked up by eating a hamburger rofl OTL
-I don't think I'll be able to attend school, AGAIN, this semester. I've procrastinated in my registration still and I'm sure smarter people have already finished OTL I haven't done ANYTHING beyond the online orientation OTL In the end, I think I deserve this........... But it's still annoying OTL OTL.....
-My entire life revolves around bad choices and things that I know I shouldn't do but do anyway and then I complain that life hates me when in reality, I'm making my own problems as I go. Sigh. I thought I was over this stupidity period. I guess not.
-On the other hand, I have been studying french on Duolingo and I'm not as terrible as I thought? I think I'll be able to read it. Speaking it though..... I leave much to be desired. Pronounciation is hard AF OTL OTL OTL
=I GAVE UP ON THE ALCHEMIST. I haven't picked it up in forever rofl OTL OTL

Anyway. I have work today. Yay.

Toodles.

NOIR.

The past week has been....... eventful to say the very least.

For one, there's a few things to cross off my summer phobia bucketlist. Let's start from the one that sort of worried me a bit most of them all, and that is getting over my fear of AU, The Copy, The unfriendly manager lady and etc. In a week alone, I was able to lose my fear of them all. Now from past entries it was already obvious I had lost most of my fear of AU, but I think that fear disappeared entirely now since he went out of his way to wave directly at me from far away for no reason. And then I bought him a water from my store as a thank you for all his kind help towards us at the store all the time, which he accepted. So I'm well on my way to cross more things off my list, which I'm really happy about.

But there's a few things here and there that weren't quite as nice as the new normalcy between me and my old crush. Let's start in the beginning, back to the same Thursday when this was supposed to be a good thing.

The trouble with anxiety
I'm never one to be able to hide how bad my anxiety gets when it reaches it's worse stages. Usually something that helps alot is having company around me. After some time, I'm able to find comfort in that, so sometimes I feel terrible but I call my brother or sister over and they sit with me a while at work so I can continue on with my duties. Unfortunately, Thursday was not one of those days. Anxiety feels absolutely terrible. Something in you starts to over drive your body in every sense possible. You start by feeling a slight discomfort. If it's the first time, you think the worse automatically, and that sometimes leads to a panic attack much quicker. For me though, this is not an unfamiliar feeling, so a single hint of a panic attack and I've learned to resort to every method I have learned over the years I've taken therapy. Breathing deeply and slowly, drinking cold water slowly to relax your mind, putting classical music, closing your eyes and giving yourself a break, using Pacifica for the sounds of the ocean, writing down your feelings, reminding yourself that you are fine and that you will be fine and that the feelings you feel at the moment of an anxiety attack are only momentary and are only fueled by your brain. However on this particular episode, none of these methods worked. The more I tried to make myself relax, the more anxiety I felt. I called my sister, I called my brother, and ultimately as I struggled to seem normal, the discomfort in my chest grew, the pain in the center by my rib cage became tighter, and the air around me became thin. I couldn't breathe and I was starting to have unbearable pain. I felt so horrible. There were still customers coming in the very second I was having the worse of my episode. A very sweet lady and the gentleman with her looked at me and saw I didn't look well, my face pale and eyes disoriented so they asked me if I was ok. I couldn't lie and the help I had refused so much from my friend the security guard, I had to resort to asking these innocent people. She led me outside and the second I walked outside, I fell on my knees. I couldn't breathe, I was dizzy, I was in pain, so they called the ambulance which promptly went. They told me they just wanted me to get at least checked by the paramedics to see if I was alright. I thought that would've been enough for me to relax, to have professionals see me and tell me I'm fine. But I couldn't relax. I couldn't shake of the panic attack in the end and what was supposed to be only a check up on my condition, they told me they were not comfortable with me staying there unattended so they made me get in the ambulance and took me to the nearest hospital. It took hours, three shots and IV to calm me down in the end. But it has only diminished slightly. Going to work was out of the question. My boss saw my face and deemed me unfit to work for a little. So I have a whole week off. Unpaid too. Great.

All in all, I learned one thing from yet another trip to the hospital.
I can no longer control my anxiety disorder and must rely on science to help me.
In other words, the very thing I've hated thinking of doing will be happening.
I must take anxiety medication.

ANIME EXPO 2016. 
I had a day off on Friday to rest so on Saturday, after much trouble and consideration, my brother and I decided to go to Anime Expo. My darling friends Doug and Gracie with Gracies best friend also known as Hime gave us a ride to the event. I'm an idiot for not remembering they had their badges already. My brother and I had to wait in a ridiculously long line for over an hour just to get our passes. Anime Expo has grown so much that it's become a very difficult event to enjoy. For one, the lines to just get the passes were extremely disorganized. We were asked to stand in a line that led no where and then asked to move to the end of the line (Not just us, lots of people) which I thought was completely unfair. Another thing being that the even itself has become so dangerously over packed. Walking through Exhibit hall and Artist Alley alone are proof of that. There's no room to walk normally, hardly any space to browse around. Being separated from a group is common and often. Using the buddy system to stay together is inconvenient when so many others are doing the same. All in all, we were all jammed into a venue that no longer is big enough for the massive waves of people coming to it. AX is four days and though I would love to go all four days, I wouldn't want to attend an event knowing that all I'd get in the end is over stepped feet, exhaustion from just waiting in line and an overwhelming feeling of claustrophobia from the ridiculous amounts of people.

HEARTBREAK
Recently, a friend of mine from a little while confessed he had feelings for me. This is a few weeks after the boxer also sort of admitted he was trying to "get at me" so to say. I feel sort of bad for having to so quickly let them know I have no interest in them in that way. Especially because I know it hurts when someone you like rejects your feelings, like how Superman did with me. Even so I will not feel guilty of it simply because there's no point in lying. No matter how much I want to forget him, I still love Superman. Doug and I had a long talk about this and he made lots of valid points about it. For now, I won't let myself feel bad for letting others know my true feelings. It's better to know now than to be lied to in the end. I was thankful Superman rejected me kindly in the end. I hope they do the same. Even so, the boxer has not passed by to see me anymore. And my other friend hasn't either. Oh well.

Sometimes when things relating to this happen, I wonder what the point of it all is. Is it because when we are born, life teaches us we can't be alone? Is it because we learn from society that being alone is a negative trait? Is it because we can't bear the idea to be alone with ourselves? The more I think about it, the more I realize relationships are not for me. It doesn't seem to matter whether I pour my heart and soul into loving another person. The very idea of a relationship is terrifying. To what point will we live our lives being afraid of dying alone? I'd like to have the kind of life I've had up until now. It doesn't mean that I don't appreciate all the perks that seem to come with a relationship. The safety provided by another. The adoration of another person towards you. The feeling of being wanted. The desire to see or be around someone. I've had romantic feelings and intense crushes before (like AU and Superman for example. Different crushes, different reactions.) But in the long run, I still have never seen myself being attached to anyone. I feel as if my very existence is compromised, like everything I believe in could disappear the second I relinquish my freedom to another human being.

I guess I have yet to find the person who will truly make me feel like being in a relationship wouldn't be a prison. (AKA: I haven't found my Mr. Big.)

ANYWAY.
Here's a few random things that are in my brain.
-My obsession with Miraculous Ladybug has grown to elephantine proportions. For one, I am super fuckin upset that I couldn't go to the Ladybug Panel in AX because we went on Saturday and the Panel was on Sunday. BUT I'm super duper fuckin excited that apart from seasons 2 and 3, there seems to be enough material for 5-6 seasons~ Not to mention they mentioned a MANGA VERSION OF LADYBUG. I wonder if they'll keep Adrien and Marinette or will they make it with Bridgette and Felix. It would be cool to see them too to see if they're different from Adrienette, BUTTTTT Adrien and Marinette are such adorable characters, I can't imagine the story with any other characters~
-Yes, I am massively obsessed with this kids show.
-I couldn't find the miraculous earrings or ring or even a FUCKIN CARD HOLDER. I'm a sad panda.
-On the other hand, I found a super cute cat bag I might end up buying if it's on sale again some time OTL
-MY CHECK FOR THE NEXT PAYDAY IS GONNA BE SUPER SMALL
-I ALSO HAVE A HUGE DEBT IN MY CREDIT CARD OTL OTL OTL OTL Thanks AX OTL
-It's fuckin ridiculous how hard it is to customize rings tones and sounds on an iPhone 6 :/
-I regret not waiting for the 6 plus OTL Quite hardcore.
-Everything aches all over. Especially the bruises on my knees.
-Expecting a huge bill from the hospital the second they get the chance to charge me. The Private Hospital in my city is so fancy, there's a flatscreen TV in every room and a private bathroom. And this is just the ER rooms. With glass doors, mind you. I felt the bill go up every time I breathed from their AC cold air lol.....
-JADE IS SUPPOSED TO COME OVER ON WED TO WATCH MIRACULOUS LADYBUG ALL DAY WITH MEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHHHH until then I'm resisting watching it again rofl
-I CANNOT BELIEVE U-KISS' PROMOTIONS FOR STALKER ARE OVER. FML THAT WAS SO SHORT T_____________________________________________________T
-And as if it were fate, I finally bought my CD and SOO'S PHOTOCARD WAS INSIDE. I HAVE BEEN BLESSED.
-Considering drawing a bunch of little drawings in regards to Adrienette/LadyNoir/MariChat/Ladrien(????) because I have never shipped a ship so much (not even Naruhina and I'm hardcore on that shit too)
-I still am behind in my CD buying OTL But I've been so broke and there's so much to do and so many expenses OTL OTL OTL Failssssssssssss
-I honest to god hope that tomorrow I feel better. I need to get better by Thursday OTL

I have resting to do and a therapy session tomorrow. Here's hoping I won't be tired AF.

Toodles.

Miraculous.

So here's the kicker for starters.

In my last post I mentioned applying for a job (or a few really) to earn some extra cash before school starts. I finally received word from that and as it turns out, they're not interested on me working for them. So as bummed out as I was, I guess in a way it's also a blessing in disguise. I tire out extremely fast because of my AI, so the more I thought about it, the more I realized 10-11 hour shifts were probably not a good idea for me in the first place. Still, I casually commented to AU about it and his face looked genuinely pretty shocked. He asked me what happened and what they said and I honestly don't understand why. I felt like I was pretty qualified for such a menial and thankless job, so it came as a shock to not just AU, but lots of other people. Still he sort of tried to comfort me in saying "well I think you're probably better off" and I guess in a way he was right.

Still, it will always bring blows to my self esteem to know I've been rejected from a job I've seen complete idiots do. Then again, I think this might also just be a sign that it just wasn't meant to happen for whatever reason. Now, just like I've mentioned before, I'm not religious or anything, but sometimes when something of this caliber happens, I ask whatever God up there can hear me why he keeps on putting road blocks in my path. And other times when I'm feeling less shitty, I try to reassure myself that The Gods/Universe don't have a personal vendetta against me. That maybe it really is just like in Katy Perry's song, FIREWORK and "maybe the reason why all the doors have closed so you could open one that leads you to the perfect road."

I guess only time will tell.

Here's a few things that have happened in the past couple of days.
-I had to have some quality time with both my darlings Jade and Grace (who are without knowing, two peas in a pod. I swear to god these girls are quite similar) who also both share birthdays only 3 days apart! Grace and I went to have tea together in Old Town, which was lovely and nice and sweet. So much class in one room is unbelievably great. As for Jadey and I, we also hit Old town together and just basically ran around looking for any place with AC LOL It's been a great deal of time since I've had time to just relax out with friends so I'm so happy and I wish/hope we can have some more time together soon~
-I AM TRASH. I got hooked into watching Miraculous Ladybug and agh I hate myself for it because it's not even a great show, it's just super cliche and repetitive but honestly OTL I think sometimes you just need cliche and repetitive. I watched episode 1 out of curiosity and now I keep browsing the tag to see when they're gonna release season 2 (which is promising a BEE KWAMI???? ERM WHAT????) so if you know me and my life and choices and tastes.....I'm sorry (notsorry) OTL
-I still have not finished registering and signing up for school FJDS;JFUDJS;FLSDF why do I procrastinate to the very last minute!!??!?!? OTL
-I'm tired everyday and I keep eating my feelings. Great. 8 pounds ago I didn't have acid reflux as strongly as these days.
-Sigh. I have dreamt a few times with Superman. Unfortunately, it appears as if it really will take a long time for me to forget him entirely. Then again, it's not like He's my Mr. Big. Or is he...? I don't know. I hope not.


I'm tired AF. So I'm just gonna cut it short there. I was gonna put one more point regarding Superman and the idea of Mr. Big, but I won't. Not today. Another day.

Toodles.

Leaf.

Summer has officially started it's infernal blaze and my city is not just an epicenter for massive amounts of flames in that hell, but also of a massive drought and water shortage.

God, have mercy on us all.

People who know me know that summer is my least favorite season of all. It's the time of the year that though I wish I could wear sleeveless shirts, or even short sleeved shirts, I cannot because of super sensitive skin. Instead, I am forced to wear light long sleeved sweaters or long sleeved shirts even if it's 106° F outside, which is what Monday is supposed to be like...... Yay.

Summer job, school & an old flame. 
Recently I went to apply to a few places for a second job I desperately need. The expenses I have have increased and unfortunately, a part time is not enough. Thus, I went to apply at a few places, including the job of my old flame, AU. AU was my crush two years ago, a very sweet kid who has recently become a little warmer to me. We have a terrible history of awkwardness, mostly from my part for being cold and indifferent to him. I asked him about his job since they're hiring there and he warmly and nicely answered questions and told me to go for it. He's still an incredibly handsome kid, but my heart is still obviously still lingering for Superman. Today, he was the friendliest he's ever been to me on his own, asking about my day and shift and telling me about his without me having to initiate conversation. Hopefully this means we can finally be normal around each other without 600 layers of awkwardness. On the other hand, there's also the reality of the job search. I haven't heard back yet from them and I really wish it's just as another coworker of AU's said. Keeping my fingers crossed that it will take just a little bit. I'm in desperate need of more money for school OTL... if I'm unable to land a job in the next month, I will be obligated to, once again, delay my entrance to school because of money issues OTL..... Nevertheless, it's better to try all the way to the end and hope for the best in the long run. This week I had zero time off work. My usual resting day, I had to cover for my sweet coworker. He's covered for me so many times, it didn't take a second for me to say yes. Unfortunately I had to cancel plans with Jade, but I'm glad she's so understanding. Hopefully I get to see her soon.

The trouble with bunnies. 
Usually Cats and Dogs are a common household companion. They're relatively easy and only require essential things, are capable to roam around freely after some training and will most likely be ok if taken care of. This is not the case for rabbits. For people who have never owned rabbits, it appears as if it's simple enough. Keep them caged and feed them carrots, water and let them be cute. But taking care of rabbits is difficult and also a bit stressful. There's alot of things that differ from taking care of a larger and usually more manageable creatures like a dog or a cat. Their diets are pretty flexible (not entirely but a bit more flexible) and exercise, love, caring, and freedom are quite required and encouraged. A Dog and a cat will even become so emotionally connected to you, like my darling friend Jenni's adorable cat, Tora, who is such a sweet little creature. I've spent nights in her house in which Tora would feel my discomfort and feel like I wake up in the middle of the night and she will come and keep me company, to soothe me into slumber. You will not get these sort of things with a small creature like a rabbit, guinea pig or ferret, especially not with rabbits. Where Dogs and cats can become trusting and strong creatures, rabbits are very, very fragile in every sense of the word. They are known for having an anxious nature because of their natural instinct of vulnerability and being hunted in the wild often as easy prey. It takes ALOT to earn the trust of a rabbit. One little thing and you have to start over from scratch so that fluffy little creature will remember you won't hurt it. Diet is also another difficult part. Rabbits have a very, very strict diet, with very specific ratios for each rabbit. There's so much they cannot eat, they have extremely sensitive digestive systems and even things they can eat they need to eat at moderate portions, excluding hay which they can have infinite amounts of. A Rabbit can become very sick very quickly, especially of digestive problems, and it might sometimes lead to death, so a good balanced diet is extremely important. Rabbits are sensitive with temperatures, especially hot weather. They need colder areas or cooling methods to stay cool especially in California weather. They also need companionship. Usually people who have rabbits have them in pairs. Unfortunately for us, my rabbit was actually a present my sisters boyfriend gave her, and instead of a pair, it was just the one tiny bunny. The two of them are irresponsible people, feeding excessive amounts of carrots and pellets, so she grew super quick and sort of unhealthy. So in order to maintain this defenseless animal alive, I took full custody of it and everything it requires. Rabbits need to run around alot too. They need to have an area and at least 4 hours of play time outside of a cage, room to stretch and clean water and hay all day. Investing in a good area for a rabbit is also expensive, since when a rabbit is outside into any living room or room in general, nothing is safe from it's sharp little claws and teeth. All in all, there's alot of rules to taking care of a rabbit.

But I love this tiny little creature so much. Champurrado (her name) is a tiny little ball of fluffy adorable love and though it's difficult work, I love seeing her run around and jump and sit, and petting her cute little head. I love coming home from work and seeing her put her little paws in the cage asking me to let her out. I love my little bun so much that it doesn't matter if it's difficult work. For me, she is an important companion and I will do my damnest to keep her healthy and around for as long as rabbit-ly possible. I know alot of the time people will see these creatures as indifferent because they can't come to you like a dog would if it senses you aren't feeling well. But I know deep down in that tiny little bun heart, she understands that I cherish and love her, and I feel like the trust she has in me is her way of saying she loves me too.

ANYWAY. I have alot to do still this week OTL Tomorrow I'm going out with a friend for her birthday and on Sunday I have to go buy fresh vegies at the farmers market again. I picked up my medicine, call maintenance about our door at home, finished my online orientation, still need to make a Vet appointment at the exotic animal hospital, arranged for Champurrado to have play dates with Dinner, the bun at my sister job. I have to buy market for the week, need to go to the asian super market since my mom loves miso soup and demands more. Have to go look for some flooring for the playpen area, gotta check up on the job applications, need to pay my moms phone bill and etc etc.................. so much to do and so little time.

Here's hoping things go well for us all.

ALSO BEFORE I FORGET. I'm 80% done with The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. It's still not interesting 80% in but I'm almost done. I 100% regret buying it and I will probably give it away for free the second I get the chance.

I have to shower and sleep. I'm beat. BEAT I tell's ya.

Toodles~

Nerves.

As I finally decide to take the leap into a second job to help me pay for my upcoming school related expenses, I am saddened to admit that this was the most half assed thing I could've thought of. So much time has passed and I wait til the very last minute to start applying elsewhere, like the fool that I am. Now, as the matriculation is rolling and I'm forced to do things I need to get to for school, a second job would make it very hard, to the point I might have to hold off yet again until I feel I can stick to my main job.

Of course, not everything is silver gold in life.
I mean that in the least sarcastic way, I hope.

I'm nervous thinking about yet another thing I have to learn to do in life. I lucked out quite alot at my main and current job. I'm basically my own boss there, I have to do everything but I have basically total liberty. I'm not a very social person despite what my online persona shows. Online, I seem outgoing and strong and opinionated, unafraid of talking to people and saying what I feel. Online I seem to have my shit together, which is an unfortunate distance from the truth. In reality, I'm awkward, I don't make friends easily, and I try very hard to avoid problems. I'm passive aggressive and I bottle up my emotions until I get anxious. It's a terrible thing to do, but I admit that I am two different people in the real world vs the digital world. So this will be an infinite challenge for me. I know I need to learn to be around and cooperate with people in the work place because in the end, no matter what job I have, even starting your own business requires expansion and cooperation so OTL I desperately need to remind myself that people aren't a big deal. So here's hoping that if I do manage to get the job in the store I'm applying to, that I won't end up hating everyone in it OTL.......

Just a few little things:
-I absolutely regret buying and reading The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. It's a terrible book and I won't be investing on his work again in the future. OTL The story though with the potential to maybe be a decent story is just absolutely dreadful to read OTL. I'm not disappointed, a friend of mine who I adore and admire had told me before I wouldn't like it OTL she was right ><
-Here's the 4-11 on people. No matter how sweet and lovely and endearing they are, there is evil in all their hearts. Do not let yourself forget that, no matter how angelic they may seem.
-Can I just say that I'm loving U-KISS' come back quite alot? I mean I have been expecting a korean come back for so long that now that it's here, I'm amazed and amused and I don't really care???! They look amazing, the song is amazing. It's just amazing. I'm gonna die. THEY ARE SLAYING SO HARD
-On that note, I still can't believe they're losing to terrible fuckin songs........


It's 3am! I should sleep.
Toodles~

Pity.

Lately, I've been feeling quite overwhelmed with all the things I should be doing and haven't been able to do yet.

I feel like I have so much to do and done nothing at all, eventhough I actually have done some things.

But one particular thing that's bothering me is that I feel extremely anxious alot. I know there's different levels of anxiety, but I feel this familiar monster, the one that does not allow me to sleep. The one that does not allow me a breath of fresh air. The one that tells me I cannot go farther than I have reached before. It's difficult controlling anxiety, especially when all you want to do is escape from the things that give you grief and pain. But alas it must be done for the sake of society. Sometimes not even for the sake of self, and that's the saddest part. They automatically deem you unfunctionable, but in reality, all you've ever wished for is just a break.

But even through that, I keep telling myself, somewhere in my heart, that maybe, maybe this will all be worth enduring. I know it's difficult, but I can't expect things to turn well if I don't believe it will happen. I would like to whole heartedly believe in the human spirit, the strength it can possess to survive.

Which leads to my point over all.

THE ABILITY TO ACCEPT DEFEAT.

Today I had to make a particular visit in order to continue having the limited health coverage I can get. As I sat there with a gentle older man as my social worker, he asked me about the urgency for my coverage. So naturally, I had to tell him of my illness and what it does to me. I sometimes think that when I tell people of my illness that they look at me and think I exaggerate it. But in reality, when people see the details and get the explanation to what it means and what it does, I only get looks of sympathy and pity. I've always hated pity, yet I am also sad to admit that Pity is what has gotten me things in life. I have such a "tragic" life in most peoples opinions. All this time, I realize I've only ever used that to get things in life. It's terrible to admit. But sometimes I tried to console myself by saying it was alright to use the sympathy of others to get things, to excuse the things that I have done wrong. And I'm ashamed of myself for it. Even now, I still think of all the times I did those things and regret it so much, because I used as a weapon something that has hurt me for so long. When I was diagnosed, I was in denial. I felt fine-ish. I felt like it wasn't a big deal. I never thought about how much it would affect me in the long run. I thought it wasn't a big deal. I thought this illness would be like my asthma, the one that if I just take it easy, it would be easy to control. But as time went by I realized how much more pain I was feeling. As it progresses and the diagnosis of other things joined it, I was very much enraged. After all, poor me, poor Alma, had already gone through such a "tragic" and "traumatizing" life that it just seemed unfair to add even more to it. I was enraged and I guess to this day, I can say I am enraged. I'm constantly angry about it. Asking God or anything really why it happened to me? Why is it always me? It felt like The higher powers out there had a personal grudge against me. I won't lie, I sometimes on days of excruciating pain, mentally, physically and etc. I sarcastically thank god for the wonderful life full of crap. It's a terrible cycle. It never allows me to see I have also been blessed with lots of things. But when you're in that dark place, it's difficult to see there is, was, or will be any light.

Over all, I realize that I'm still in denial. That I still refuse to accept that I'm sick. That I have not at all made peace with my illness and instead get angry at myself and everything and everyone around me for the things that are wrong with me.

But I think I should finally start thinking of admitting defeat.

Right?

After all, no matter how mad I get, no matter who I blame, it won't matter. I will still be sick every day for the rest of my life. So why be angry about it?

ANYWAY.

I will think of something less depressing to write about in the future, I hope. And I also hope that maybe there are good news for me soon. I'm a bit sick of the bad news ^^;;;;..............


Also Today is my day off. So I shall go binge watch things for the rest of the day.

Toodles~

Brilliant.

It seems as if time is going much quicker than I had thought.

Recently, I went to check things out for when I'm supposed to start school. It's already June. I can't believe how quickly times has passed, I was only pondering going back to school in December of last year. It almost feels like time has sped up particularly for this moment.

Life passes by way too quickly.

On a brighter and not as depressing note, I'm a bit excited though also very scared about going to school. When I was in school, I had always sort of considered myself a normal school girl, normal amounts of friends, normal grades (until the bad influences came in lol) and etc etc. I don't know if I'll have any luck in the same way this time. Especially if I'm going to a school filled with really dumb young people from around the city OTL I feel bad for it, but I honestly cannot stand dumb people. Not a superiority thing either, but more of a logical tactful sort of way. For instance I've had adult classes before where even adults were annoying and disrespectful. I guess no matter what age you are, being an tactless moron is a trait that doesn't discriminate.

Yesterday I went to have sushi with my friend and my sister. I'm glad they seemed to get along well. I hope it's the same with my brother OTL I really want my brother to get along well with my friend.

There's so much to do but so little time.

ON A BETTER AND MUCH HAPPIER NOTE.

A SPECIAL BIRTHDAY MESSAGE FOR A SPECIAL FRIEND. 

Sasha~
I know you think I might have forgotten your birthday, but I have not! OTL I was just so busy that day I had no time to write up a proper message for you.

Over the course of time that we've known eachother, you became a very special and dear friend to me. I'm very happy to know you were there when I was still ranting on about a certain dude, when I was feeling very low, all our fandom frustrations. I know you became frustrated for the lack of enthusiasm when it came to support the boys. I'm sincerely sorry I've been useless in this process. I hope you had a wonderful, wonderful birthday, sweetheart. You're a very kind and sweet person, easy going and serious. I think you have a very sincere heart and you always stick to what you believe in and bend it for no one. I really admire that of you. I hope you never change.

Please remember that if you ever need me, I'll always be here for you~ I miss talking to you on conversations on the phone and I quite miss randomly messaging you T^T

Happy Belated Birthday sweet Sashimi! 
I wish I had a cute Kevin picture to go along with this message but jfdlsk;jaflks;jalfdsjlf my PC doesn't work anymore OTL OTL OTL OTL I hope we can be friends for a long time! ❤

Opportunity.

Once in a while, though not believed by some, life and nature and maybe even the universe sends us something that reminds us we're nothing but petty creatures of habit, molds, and beliefs.

Today was one of those happenings.

I was talking to Elnaz about the interesting experience I had with a friend of mine, F, and also as a protagonist once again is the one named after a celestial winged creature who we will call AU. Though in the long run the experience was sort of fun and a bit of a reminder of something that is not possible. Still this led to a very interesting conversation I had with my friend F.

The problem with saying no. 
More often than not in a situation in which people are involved and not only money, but also favors, are in order, I find myself unable to receive from what should be a mutual understanding. I like paying for my own meals, I don't like presents, I never ask for borrowed money I'm not planning on paying in the next five to ten minutes. When we go to restaurants or places, I always want to pay for everything and I refuse to go out without the funds to do so. But when it comes to having someone do the same for me, I hate it. I refuse it and I insist on paying every single time. Often, friends have taken me places with them and when they're about to pay, I secretly slip my card in the bill or just pay the bill when they're not looking. OTL It's a terrible habit because even when I'm broke AF and I know the meals can be expensive at times, I can't do it. Only my sister and brother are allowed to spoil me when it comes to this but I am extremely uncomfortable with someone giving me something without a cause.

This is where the problem with saying no and today come into correlation.
F asked me why I always do that, why I feel like I'm obligated to pay back everything. And honestly, it has alot to do with trust, which I do not have in the majority of people. He told me, "You know it's understandable that you want to give and give and all but sometimes you have to take because you can be kind and people will want to repay your kindness. So when you refuse, it's like you're denying them the opportunity to thank you too, and it makes them feel bad."

I've always had a trouble believing people will do something nice for me without expecting anything in return.

It's important to remember that friendships and relationships in general are as much about giving as they are receiving and vice versa. You have to take care of the people you love but also know and sincerely hope and accept they'll want to take care of you too. This is the hardest lesson I think I will have to learn in life. I've always layered myself in coats of independence. I have always been proud to say i can do things myself. But some day, I will have to rely on someone to take care of me. So far this will be my toughest challenge yet because it goes against my nature. It challenges everything I believe in.

So for now, I will settle with one day at a time.


Things  that happened today that annoyed me or bothered me or, admittedly, amused me:
-I was accident prone as fuck today it's.... terrible. I spilled my drink on the bus, the ATM wouldn't take my money, our orders took longer than anyones at Carls Jr. It was really annoying.
-It was HOT AS FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKK OTL
-Yesterday, my poor little bun had the freight of it's life. A chair accidentally fell on her and it scared the living daylights out of her. I stayed up til 2am trying to calm her down from the freight after she became a bit aggressive and I feel so bad because she was so happily running around and jumping and sniffing around like a cute and happy little bun and she spent the night in the corner, afraid of everything :( I love my little bun so much, so i was really upset that she was so upset :( She calmed down a little but she's still a little jumpy OTL So I have to start over and hope she will trust I won't hurt her again :(
-I was reading fan accounts of Dean in LA and I gotta say I'm sort of happy to not have gone, it sounded dreadful......
-I just got paid but I'm already broke. Ah. Ahahahaha. Ahahahahahahaha.
-Considering applying for a summer job is proving to be difficult to even ponder about OTL..... especially not in the two places I've been thinking of applying at @_@.....
- I'm still mad about today and what happened with F and AU at his register.... D:
-I woke up and realized I'm still petty AF OTL
-my mom and grandma are loud AF OTL they kept scaring Champurrado OTL
-I HAVE WATCHED AND HEARD THE TEASERS FOR THE COME BACK AND FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK I'm gonna love this jfdklsjlfkaj;slkfsj;akf;sljakfsjdl OMG KISEOP. OMG SOO. OMG EVERYONE. DUDE.

I'm suddenly very inspired to do some art work but I can't be bothered cuz stress and anxiety have caused lots of pain. But we'll see how that goes. Work tomorrow, shopping for hay and a new cage, paying my phone bill and all that tomorrow so I should sleep OTL

Toodles.

Pain.

So it appears that my attempt at quitting my technology habit has been extremely unsuccesful. Not only is it intact and with no sign of being broken, it hasn't even been dented in the most microscopic way. The second I made my post with the rules, I broke them by checking my phone the second I went to lay down to sleep. Not cool, brain. Not cool at all. But in my defense right now U-KISS is having a come back and it's almost impossible for me to stay away from that OTL So I think I might just let myself wait a little longer to give it a legitimate try. In all honesty, right now the last thing I need is to add a guilt for something I know I can manage with just because I'm depriving myself of something that already gives me so much happiness.

Today has been an interesting day thus far. Every week, I only get one day off my job. Unfortunately, I have not used that day as a resting day for a very long time (resting day as in stay in and do nothing, binge watch, sleep etc etc.) and today was no exception. I woke up super early to join my friend in a job fair event which turned out to be a huge disappointment. There were few people and very few contractors there so I don't think much was gotten out of the whole ordeal so I think we might have over dressed entirely for the occasion OTL

The "So what?" Factor.
As things progressed through my day today, my discomfort grew. I'm the type of person who loves casual so much, I literally never get out of it without a true purpose. Sometimes when I feel like I have to and it's not a special occasion, as I dress up and put on make up, mascara, shoes and etc of things I don't wear constantly, I feel a feeling of anxiety and comparison lurking up at me. I feel as I walk down the street that people will laugh at me for being unattractive and attempting at being attractive looking by following things much more beautiful girls will do on a daily basis. For a plain and ugly person to try, my brain tells me, is pathetic and very sad. So I start feeling self conscious at the fact that other people can see my sad attempts at self esteem.

This is where the "So What?" Factor kicks.

Before the unfortunate incidents that happened in 2011, I had always believed that life is supposed to be led for your own happiness. For your sake, for your acceptance. I believed so strongly that I don't remember having a single crush on a guy that was stronger than just a feeling of "he's very handsome" or anything close to that. To me, before that time, my life was priceless. I felt like I had to live for me. So my casual attire and attempts at dressing up were accompanied with nothing. I walked up and down the street without a single care about who or what was there. There were many occasions where my sister would point out that people looked at me oddly, seeing me under-dressed for things in comparison to others, but I had never noticed before. Years later now at my age, I started to feel that inferiority quite strongly. As my sister blossomed into a confident girl, woman and now a mother, I felt my self esteem lessen and lessen and without a true recollection of a feeling of jealousy, I didn't know why. Over time, I realized that I had started to compare myself in age and beauty with other women, not in hatred, but in sadness and pity of myself. Now at 27, I am sad to admit that I feel inferior to every one. And I'd hate for this to be the rest of my life.

So what? is the question I will ask myself from now on every time I see a beautiful, slender young girl who passes my way and who I will undoubtedly compare myself with. You have to ask yourself in your head why those things matter. As I said, I had never before realized things like that mattered. It had never mattered to me before, what happened? I started valuing the lives of others more than my own is what happened. So that woman over there has a beautiful facial structure. So what? So that young girl over there has her whole life ahead of her. So what? So that beautiful female manager owns the heart of the man you like because she is confident, independent, unafraid of being herself and standing up for what she thinks is right. So What? So what is the question you have to remind yourself. Because those women are beautiful it doesn't mean anything to you, or the world. Their beauty alone doesn't define them, their personalities alone doesn't mean you're not worth anything. Their accomplishments shouldn't make you feel like you have accomplished nothing. So there will always be someone out there who seems to have it easier than you, ultimately everything can be ended with that same question.

In the end, I will continue to live my life on my own, with myself and I will have to make my own choices about whether I want to continue seeing myself as trash or treasure. And there's enough in comparisons in advertisements and TV. And there will always be comparisons in boyfriends, families, genes, economic status, race. There's always going to be something out there that will put a mold to what they think we should be and what we look like, and frankly, I've always found the ways of humanity way too stupid to follow. So if you don't look like everyone, you should consider yourself lucky instead. After all, there will be something about you that will stand out, while all these people who chase these standards of beauty and life will sadly always end up in the same mold.

Of course people who were to accidentally land on this post would think that it's something only "ugly and unsuccessful" people would say. But here's the thing. I've never hated another woman for being beautiful or successful, or for being smarter than I am. In fact, you should always see thesewomen, and  people in general not as examples of what you should be, but of things that have been possible. Humans have always hated each other for the pettiest of things. Exactly for those reasons listed above, actually, and more. We always forget that we're all animals in the end and survival was the only original goal we've had in life since the beginning. Yet we hold in pedestals people who seem to have their lives together, who are blessed with things we can only ever dream of accomplishing. But we shouldn't curse these people or anyone. So if you're beautiful by the standards of society, Good. If  you are successful in your career, in your personal life etc, Good. If you are happy with yourself and in the things that you do, that's even better. Be happy with you, because my shitty post won't mean anything, just as much as people who have called me ugly all my life have never meant anything. And if you aren't happy with the way you look because of society standards, ask yourself why you care. Ask yourself why it matters and you'll see that it really doesn't. You will be the person that will wake up every day with you, so just because one or even alot of people say you are undesirable, you have to remember that you make your own happiness.

So next time I come across any obstacle that makes me forget that none of this shit truly matters in the end, I'll just stop and ask myself the same damn thing.

So what? 

Ugh, I'm entirely so annoyed at all the things I need to take care of....Here's a list of things that I have to take care of in the next couple of days:

-Pay phone bill
-Online orientation
-Placements assessments
-Resume
-Tutorials for comeback purschases and streaming
-52 week challenge savings OTL
-Michaels art supplies
-Cash check
-Mail Medical forms
-Medicine refills
-Meeting up with Jade
-Meeting up with Grace
-Grocery shopping
-Pay off credit card
-Champurrados new habitat and bed/toys/hay
-Champurrados Vet appointment
-Counselor appointment
-Scholarships applications
-FAF$A (unintentional money sign but it makes sense OTL
-Sort out summer clothes and winter clothes
-Study Drivers manual
-Appointment for optometrist

and etc etc.................................................................

I will continue to update this list as I finish it. But at the moment I just want to lay down and binge netflix...........

Toodles.

Solution.

It's been a rough couple of days.

Sometimes I feel myself being restless, even as I'm resting. I keep waking up in the middle of the night and being unable to go back to sleep because of anxiety, worrying about what will happen, what's coming, whats not, how I'll deal with it, who will help me, who won't, what the solution could be if I start now, whether it would matter if I started searching for it now or if it's something I just cannot change. Eventually, I end up waking up and checking my phone and trying to distract myself. Something I realize has become a terribly disgusting habit.

But first, I'd like to make a list of all the things I wish could stop happening and that I've been trying very hard to pretend are not bothering me. Let's play a little game called:

I wish:
-I wish that I didn't have to wake up with pain in the morning. Every. Single. Morning.
-I wish I didn't have to take so much fuckin medicine every day.
-I wish that medicine hadn't fucked up my stomach. There's so much crap I can't eat anymore just because these heavy meds fucked up the way I digest food, triggered acid reflux I never had and ultimately now, am unable to enjoy the food I loved. I've always loved food. This is the worse.
-I wish I could drink coffee again. I used to drink espresso shots and be fine. I used to drink cappuccinos, latte's, black coffee straight no sugar. Now I can't even drink black tea.
-I wish I didn't wake up in the middle of the night and ponder all the stupid things I can't change.
-I wish I could let go of people easy and painlessly. I'm tired of hanging on to people who could care less about me.
-I wish I had the confidence to live my life freely. To not care about what happens so  much in the future and just live in the moment.
-I wish I had a support system around me that didn't physically and emotionally tire me out.
-I wish I could live alone without fear that I'm gonna die in my sleep, or that I'll have an accident, or that I won't be able to do even the most basic things one day.
-I wish I didn't wish I could find love. I'm already up there in age and I feel like an idiot for still expecting chivalry and an idiotic and sort of pathetic fair tale.
-Adding to above, I wish I didn't fall for people in general. Especially when everything that draws me to them are superficial things and expectations they cannot live up to.
-I wish I could have a happy family in general.
-I wish I didn't have to hear my parents arguing every fuckin day.
-I wish I could have a best friend I didn't feel I have to "Fix"
-I wish most of my closest friendships weren't started in the principle of me having to save them or myself or eachother. Misery loves company but I'm also really tired of this vicious cycle.
-I wish I could learn to drive and it wasn't so difficult.
-I wish I could see 20/20. I've never had a well functioning body but vision has always been the worse.
-I wish I didn't feel like everyone hates me.
-I wish I didn't have anxiety.
-I wish I could be confident about myself. Truly confident.
-I wish I could accept change easily. I wish I could understand that it's necessary to change to grow.
-I wish I could feel positive about the future. I really wish I didn't feel like I'm gonna fail every single thing I ever attempt on doing.
-I wish I could feel like someone cares about me without feeling like they expect something in return.
-Most importantly of all, I wish that I could be happy for once. True genuine untainted happiness.

I know alot of those things sound so sappy and depressing but hell these are my unfortunate feelings. I have struggled quite a few years to let some of these things go and I think I've managed to break a few of these things but I wish it was many more not just as many as I could count with one hand. I know self esteem and self love and self acceptance are all nice and good things we struggle through but sometimes, the things I truly wish for aren't for me to have the world accept me or for me to accept myself. I honestly truly truly wish the most that I could just be content on the road I have had, even if it's a hard one. And I appreciate all the things people have done for me along the way. I can't say I've had it terrible. Despite all the struggles and everything, I know I have things that I'm very happy to have in my life. But as it appears with everything, it comes at a price.

Technology rest.
As I mentioned earlier, it appears that the second I'm stuck in the cycles of my mind and everything that I have to struggle with on a day to day basis, I always turn to my phone or tablet. I've become so dependent in seeing a screen. Seeing the light in my phone in the middle of the night gives me something to think about. But I have come to thing this is extremely wrong. I do not want to be one of those people who depend on their phone to survive. I don't want to be the kind of person who depends so much in entertainment that they forget to live.

So for the next week I will be doing a technology rest. Here are the only rules I will follow. Nothing drastic, just enough.
1. The phone won't be used without an actual interaction. If someone isn't on the other side, there is no point to seeing it, checking it extensively and staying online refreshing pages.
2. Youtube, twitter, IG. All these things can wait. Only one window a day. An hour online is enough to catch up with the things you can see. U-KISS Teaser and streamings, browsing through tumblr, watching Youtube videos, all of that can wait. No using the tablet or computer without a point. (Netflix is excluded from this because for one, I don't watch that much Netflix.)
3. Remember that there are other things you can use your time with.

I have work and prepping for alot of things coming up. I'm annoyed. I'm tired. And I'm definitely not prepared. But I need to learn to relax.

I have to get ready for work now.

Toodles until tomorrow night, in which I will try doing something I've been planning for a while.