This was such a painful year in so many ways.
I neglected this blog and posting for a long time as difficulties seemed to increase with time.
Nothing tops that cake more than this year, this painful 2019.
What can I say about this year?
Mostly it was so painful. So many things happened this year and most of them were painful beyond belief. Filled with stress and anxiety and worries, but most of all, with pain.
Last year, my resolutions were so simple and straight forward. I just wanted to survive the year.
I had started telling myself I’d do certain things but I knew in the end as the year progressed that I wouldn’t be able to do any of those things because something much more painful and in need of preparation was going to happen. And I wasn’t wrong.
This year, we lost my grandma after her painful diagnosis.
This year, a person so important to me in life gave their last breath after so many months of suffering and pain.
She was a person who was with me the moment I was born, and I was there to see her be carried away to the morgue.
She was a person filled with strength and courage, and most important of all, a person filled with faith and hope.
So many days after, though sad, I’ve found myself at peace with knowing she no longer has to worry, that she doesn’t have to suffer anymore.
But this year took her with it and it makes for such a painful memory I don’t think I’ll ever stop being sad to remember.
Our whole lives, at least mine, revolved around her, it’s hard to realize we no longer have to do some things. Making plans to see her in my uncles house, going to visit her on Saturday or Wednesday or Sunday. Realizing that we don’t have to see most of the family again .
It’s all one small journey but I know wherever she is, she’s watching and telling us it’s fine to remember where our lives are now.
For this upcoming year, I don’t want to make plans that are unrealistic. I don’t promise myself to lose weight, or to take up more reading, or do any of those ridiculous rules and goals I know I won’t be able to follow just because, things I have done multiple times in my life. I think I’m at an age to finally know myself and what I need to do without the end of every year.
I want to be able to work hard and to find strength to take on whatever the year plans to throw at me without expecting anything. I want to be able to take on the year just as it is, because I’m tired of expecting years to be good years. I’m just over all exhausted of thinking too far ahead.
2020, I already have plans. I have school, I have a concert to look forward to, I have a plan I need to see through in terms of a career. I just hope that those plans lead to a dream and that that dream will lead to good luck, something I’m in desperate need of a miracle now to keep me going.
This year, I only want to stop slacking and get on track to make it to the other side. And I hope this will lead to many doors opening in my future.
I hope that my family and friends and my bun will be here to help give me the strength I desperately need to get through this all.
Good-bye, 2019.
See you never.
Showing posts with label EVERYDAY LIFE. Show all posts
Showing posts with label EVERYDAY LIFE. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 31, 2019
Monday, February 18, 2019
LIFE.
This is all one big roller coaster ride.
Everything started on the summer of 2008. That's the last year I was "normal" so to say.
I was in school trying to finish my requirements for a High School Diploma, and it was such a hot summer in my city, that the mountain near my house had a massive wild fire. The fire would trigger a simple bronchitis and though that has nothing to do with the rest, it has no contribution to my present state, this is the last time I ever felt healthy again. After that, it was a few years of turbulence. My health instead of getting better seemed to get worse with the years. from 2008's Bronchitis, Costochondritis and misdiagnosis', many severe colds, flu's, etc, to a chain of severe migraines at the end of 2011, my mental health spiraling down into a dark, dark place, I began to feel as if I'd never feel better. It was not true, of course. I felt better with time and medicine, but for some reason, something felt off during my day to day activities after that year. Something seemed to have changed and I wasn't sure what. I just realized that everyday, I was so tired.
It was in 2012 when I found out what that was. I had noticed one of my fingers seemed to be out of alignment with the rest. Honestly, I was convinced I had twisted it, seeing how I had carried something quite heavy. But it didn't hurt. I didn't feel pain when I moved it or bent it or even when I picked things up. I told my mom and she also had no clue what could be behind it all. And so I made an appointment with my local clinic, where they already knew me because of so many visits over the years. My doctor at the time ran some tests and analysis. It seems that they had actually started having my blood tested earlier than I had thought because she figured there might've been something wrong from previous blood work. And so in Spring of 2012, the tests I took confirmed I had the Auto Immune illness Rheumatoid Arthritis. When she told me, it was so serious and scary; the way she made me sit down like I've never had done before. And she told me some details about what was going on. About how RA is an auto immune disorder and not anything to do with the skeletal system. How the body attacks itself and harms the articulations in the body especially, but also internal organs and glands. How my life expectancy has been cut by at least 20 years. And I was so numb. I didn't know what any of this meant for me and my future at the time. All I know is that when she said "I'm sorry" I felt like I wasn't going to get better. But she tried to reassure me with the proper treatments, I could live a long, pretty much normal life, and it was fine. I didn't really know what to respond, I was fine.
And then one day I wasn't.
It took nearly a year for me to see a specialist since I had a low income referral. They told me to wait to see a specialist for the medicines I would need, and so with the diagnosis came the symptoms in a matter of weeks. I was severely tired. I had already been so worn out from the many times I had been sick with something between 2008-2011 that it was hard to see what was a symptom and what was just those other things returning. But it was such an awful feeling, waking up everyday so exhausted, as if I had joined a marathon then worked out for 5 hours right after. My fingers started swelling like crazy too. My knees hurt and then also started swelling. I've been so sickly and accident prone all my life, but this is a kind of pain I didn't think I could feel. I tried to go on about life like normal despite it all. But yeah, that was just not working out. It took so much effort to get up everyday. I spent many months just sleeping and laying in my bed unable to get up because it hurt so much to do so. Sometimes the pain was so severe, I had to go to the ER in the middle of the night, especially when the pain reached the back of my head it didn't allow me to rest until I was given a good dose of Morphine. I couldn't walk well, so errands were out of the question, I couldn't help around my house, I had lots of trouble with basic everyday things, like opening things (bottles, bags of chips etc), I couldn't draw anymore because it hurt to clench my hands, or open the faucet to wash my hands, turn a knob, type quickly. I couldn't even shower or use the restroom without help, but forced myself to do so while crying in pain. It was so humiliating to me. I think that's when the reality of what had changed hit me. And I got angry.
I kept thinking "Why? Why is it always me? Why the hell did this have to happen to me?" and the more I thought of it, the more I looked back to back to 2008 and everything that happened, it seemed like this was the cherry on top of it all. Instead of being sad, I just became bitter, angry and full of rage.
They gave me Plaquenil, a generic RA medication to help with the flares (as they're called when the body swells with an AI) and though it helped to take some of it away, it only did so much. I was severely depressed and angry and seeing my frustration and lack of treatment, My doctor prescribed Corticosteroids. And they felt great. I felt normal, I felt no pain with them. But by fuck, they are also the worse thing I have taken. I had made the mistake of taking them with small meals (as I had no appetite) and their side effects affected me quite strongly. But when I took them with a large meal, they ended up giving me acid reflux and many stomach issues I had never had before. In the end, the Corticosteroids did more harm than good, their effect fucked up my stomach so much to this day I haven't recovered. I was miserable. Even when the first appointment came and my increase of medications with it, I was so severely unhappy. They explained to me the side effects of what these medicines were (No standing in the sun for one, no alcohol at any level for another, only once a week for two). All I could think of was about how I could never go back to being like I was. What I couldn't do. I was scared to do anything in fear of pain. And as I walked into the first appointment with the Rheumatologist and saw all the people who had the same thing I do, but in wheelchairs and with canes, even young people, younger than me, I just wanted to disappear. I felt like I was seeing my own future.
That has been my mentality ever since. I was diagnosed 7 years ago and I've spent most of my life ever since damning the very day I was born. I firmly believed I was a factory defect. I still do, actually. My siblings are perfectly fine, healthy and normal. I watch them in envy, envious of the things they can do and won't do, and of all the things I wish I could do. Of all the things I wished I had the health to continue, to try. And I'm so happy it's not them, because that would've been much worse to me. But inside, I was so sad for all the things I had planned for my future and that I couldn't even think of doing anymore. I can't wear heels, I can't take kickboxing like I had always wished to do. I can't really go climbing or running or pedaling a bike. I no longer have the energy for a full day's adventure. It's very hard finding a job with my lack of experience that I can do. I can't be a waitress at a restaurant. I can't clean hotel rooms. I can't even stand a full 2 hours for a grocery store job. I can't carry my nephews for more than a moment (they're very heavy), I live my day to day life fearing I'll flare, and they say you need to live a stress free life because stress can become physical pain in the form of flares, so I'm on edge so much of the time, and so much more. I had always prided myself in being independent growing up, but now, I need someone to help me when I can't do things anymore and I hate it so fuckin much. And in a desperate attempt to keep that, I went all these years pretending nothing was wrong. I pretended this didn't exist. I did things I wasn't supposed to (wore heels to a wedding a few years back, maaaaaaaan I'm an idiot, my feet hurt so awfully after I couldn't walk for a few days, I've never done that again), and only a few friends and family knew there was something wrong in the first place. I pretended so much that nothing was wrong that when I came across things and moments that reminded me of what I couldn't do anymore, I was enraged.
That's what I'm trying to change now. It took me years, but I realized the only way to have peace with this all, the way life has basically "screwed me over", is to acknowledge that I'm never going to be how I was before. Not the way I wish I could be anyway. There are many things that I cannot do and will not do out of fear anymore. I need to learn to be ok with that. I need to learn to let go of those old dreams and make new ones to replace them. Life changed, this whole thing changed me whether I wanted to or not. I need to learn to move on.
Instead I should consider myself lucky. Despite it all, I'm doing ok. It hurts (my hands hurt alot typing this out) but I can still do some things like a normal person. And I've seen so many people's stories who's condition is much more severe than I am. I walk more than I used to now. and I enjoy it alot too. I guess I learned to appreciate movement. I try a little harder to maintain health. I'm a bit overweight, but even so, I'm the lightest I've been since childhood. I still get to go outside unlike those months in which I couldn't leave my house, and though only slightly different, I still have fun in my life. I have access to my medication (one of my biggest stress factors) and Rheumatologist, something I know others might not have. I can still do so much (with my medications, I can do most of the basic things again). And I've wasted so much of my youth hating what happened, the curse of this illness that I felt took away my life so much to the point that I forgot to live. I don't want to do that anymore. Even though things are more limited now to many restrictions, a lifetime of medications and movements, and of course the fear of things taking a turn for the worse because of RA (and Sjrogens, another Auto Immune illness I got diagnosed with in 2013) I don't want to hate my life and myself anymore. I don't want to blame all my failures in life to this.
From now on, I want to finally fuckin live.
I don't know what changed exactly but something did at the end of 2018. I got very tired of the way things are. I know that it will take a long time. I know that it might take the rest of my life to try to make up for the things I didn't have the courage to do in the past. All I know is that I really don't want to wake up every day hating myself, hating my life and everything when there ARE many good things that I have had. My family isn't perfect but they have never deserted me. They stood by me as I faced this life changing ordeal. And I've been so ungrateful with the way I am, instead of trying my best, I let everything get to me. I have wonderful friends that because of insecurities I neglected and lost a few along the way. That's life, I understand that, but I wonder if things would've been different had I tried to stay in touch more. I have a job that I never thought I'd have, I have nephews that I also never thought I'd see. I have the basics to get through my day's, food on my table, clean water, power, and so much more. I have the power of choice. I love the place I live in. And I'm turning thirty this year. Looking back, one of the things that hit the most is that I don't have a single picture in important moments in my life that I'm in. Life is so fleeting, and I don't have anything to remember my childhood, teen years and early adulthood. I have no memories of participating in my own life.
From now on, I want to live, taking pictures, making memories, meeting people and stopping myself from giving in to that dark part of bad things. Because there's no point of me taking pictures of my journey if I'm not even in the pictures themselves.
I was in school trying to finish my requirements for a High School Diploma, and it was such a hot summer in my city, that the mountain near my house had a massive wild fire. The fire would trigger a simple bronchitis and though that has nothing to do with the rest, it has no contribution to my present state, this is the last time I ever felt healthy again. After that, it was a few years of turbulence. My health instead of getting better seemed to get worse with the years. from 2008's Bronchitis, Costochondritis and misdiagnosis', many severe colds, flu's, etc, to a chain of severe migraines at the end of 2011, my mental health spiraling down into a dark, dark place, I began to feel as if I'd never feel better. It was not true, of course. I felt better with time and medicine, but for some reason, something felt off during my day to day activities after that year. Something seemed to have changed and I wasn't sure what. I just realized that everyday, I was so tired.
It was in 2012 when I found out what that was. I had noticed one of my fingers seemed to be out of alignment with the rest. Honestly, I was convinced I had twisted it, seeing how I had carried something quite heavy. But it didn't hurt. I didn't feel pain when I moved it or bent it or even when I picked things up. I told my mom and she also had no clue what could be behind it all. And so I made an appointment with my local clinic, where they already knew me because of so many visits over the years. My doctor at the time ran some tests and analysis. It seems that they had actually started having my blood tested earlier than I had thought because she figured there might've been something wrong from previous blood work. And so in Spring of 2012, the tests I took confirmed I had the Auto Immune illness Rheumatoid Arthritis. When she told me, it was so serious and scary; the way she made me sit down like I've never had done before. And she told me some details about what was going on. About how RA is an auto immune disorder and not anything to do with the skeletal system. How the body attacks itself and harms the articulations in the body especially, but also internal organs and glands. How my life expectancy has been cut by at least 20 years. And I was so numb. I didn't know what any of this meant for me and my future at the time. All I know is that when she said "I'm sorry" I felt like I wasn't going to get better. But she tried to reassure me with the proper treatments, I could live a long, pretty much normal life, and it was fine. I didn't really know what to respond, I was fine.
And then one day I wasn't.
It took nearly a year for me to see a specialist since I had a low income referral. They told me to wait to see a specialist for the medicines I would need, and so with the diagnosis came the symptoms in a matter of weeks. I was severely tired. I had already been so worn out from the many times I had been sick with something between 2008-2011 that it was hard to see what was a symptom and what was just those other things returning. But it was such an awful feeling, waking up everyday so exhausted, as if I had joined a marathon then worked out for 5 hours right after. My fingers started swelling like crazy too. My knees hurt and then also started swelling. I've been so sickly and accident prone all my life, but this is a kind of pain I didn't think I could feel. I tried to go on about life like normal despite it all. But yeah, that was just not working out. It took so much effort to get up everyday. I spent many months just sleeping and laying in my bed unable to get up because it hurt so much to do so. Sometimes the pain was so severe, I had to go to the ER in the middle of the night, especially when the pain reached the back of my head it didn't allow me to rest until I was given a good dose of Morphine. I couldn't walk well, so errands were out of the question, I couldn't help around my house, I had lots of trouble with basic everyday things, like opening things (bottles, bags of chips etc), I couldn't draw anymore because it hurt to clench my hands, or open the faucet to wash my hands, turn a knob, type quickly. I couldn't even shower or use the restroom without help, but forced myself to do so while crying in pain. It was so humiliating to me. I think that's when the reality of what had changed hit me. And I got angry.
I kept thinking "Why? Why is it always me? Why the hell did this have to happen to me?" and the more I thought of it, the more I looked back to back to 2008 and everything that happened, it seemed like this was the cherry on top of it all. Instead of being sad, I just became bitter, angry and full of rage.
They gave me Plaquenil, a generic RA medication to help with the flares (as they're called when the body swells with an AI) and though it helped to take some of it away, it only did so much. I was severely depressed and angry and seeing my frustration and lack of treatment, My doctor prescribed Corticosteroids. And they felt great. I felt normal, I felt no pain with them. But by fuck, they are also the worse thing I have taken. I had made the mistake of taking them with small meals (as I had no appetite) and their side effects affected me quite strongly. But when I took them with a large meal, they ended up giving me acid reflux and many stomach issues I had never had before. In the end, the Corticosteroids did more harm than good, their effect fucked up my stomach so much to this day I haven't recovered. I was miserable. Even when the first appointment came and my increase of medications with it, I was so severely unhappy. They explained to me the side effects of what these medicines were (No standing in the sun for one, no alcohol at any level for another, only once a week for two). All I could think of was about how I could never go back to being like I was. What I couldn't do. I was scared to do anything in fear of pain. And as I walked into the first appointment with the Rheumatologist and saw all the people who had the same thing I do, but in wheelchairs and with canes, even young people, younger than me, I just wanted to disappear. I felt like I was seeing my own future.
That has been my mentality ever since. I was diagnosed 7 years ago and I've spent most of my life ever since damning the very day I was born. I firmly believed I was a factory defect. I still do, actually. My siblings are perfectly fine, healthy and normal. I watch them in envy, envious of the things they can do and won't do, and of all the things I wish I could do. Of all the things I wished I had the health to continue, to try. And I'm so happy it's not them, because that would've been much worse to me. But inside, I was so sad for all the things I had planned for my future and that I couldn't even think of doing anymore. I can't wear heels, I can't take kickboxing like I had always wished to do. I can't really go climbing or running or pedaling a bike. I no longer have the energy for a full day's adventure. It's very hard finding a job with my lack of experience that I can do. I can't be a waitress at a restaurant. I can't clean hotel rooms. I can't even stand a full 2 hours for a grocery store job. I can't carry my nephews for more than a moment (they're very heavy), I live my day to day life fearing I'll flare, and they say you need to live a stress free life because stress can become physical pain in the form of flares, so I'm on edge so much of the time, and so much more. I had always prided myself in being independent growing up, but now, I need someone to help me when I can't do things anymore and I hate it so fuckin much. And in a desperate attempt to keep that, I went all these years pretending nothing was wrong. I pretended this didn't exist. I did things I wasn't supposed to (wore heels to a wedding a few years back, maaaaaaaan I'm an idiot, my feet hurt so awfully after I couldn't walk for a few days, I've never done that again), and only a few friends and family knew there was something wrong in the first place. I pretended so much that nothing was wrong that when I came across things and moments that reminded me of what I couldn't do anymore, I was enraged.
That's what I'm trying to change now. It took me years, but I realized the only way to have peace with this all, the way life has basically "screwed me over", is to acknowledge that I'm never going to be how I was before. Not the way I wish I could be anyway. There are many things that I cannot do and will not do out of fear anymore. I need to learn to be ok with that. I need to learn to let go of those old dreams and make new ones to replace them. Life changed, this whole thing changed me whether I wanted to or not. I need to learn to move on.
Instead I should consider myself lucky. Despite it all, I'm doing ok. It hurts (my hands hurt alot typing this out) but I can still do some things like a normal person. And I've seen so many people's stories who's condition is much more severe than I am. I walk more than I used to now. and I enjoy it alot too. I guess I learned to appreciate movement. I try a little harder to maintain health. I'm a bit overweight, but even so, I'm the lightest I've been since childhood. I still get to go outside unlike those months in which I couldn't leave my house, and though only slightly different, I still have fun in my life. I have access to my medication (one of my biggest stress factors) and Rheumatologist, something I know others might not have. I can still do so much (with my medications, I can do most of the basic things again). And I've wasted so much of my youth hating what happened, the curse of this illness that I felt took away my life so much to the point that I forgot to live. I don't want to do that anymore. Even though things are more limited now to many restrictions, a lifetime of medications and movements, and of course the fear of things taking a turn for the worse because of RA (and Sjrogens, another Auto Immune illness I got diagnosed with in 2013) I don't want to hate my life and myself anymore. I don't want to blame all my failures in life to this.
From now on, I want to finally fuckin live.
I don't know what changed exactly but something did at the end of 2018. I got very tired of the way things are. I know that it will take a long time. I know that it might take the rest of my life to try to make up for the things I didn't have the courage to do in the past. All I know is that I really don't want to wake up every day hating myself, hating my life and everything when there ARE many good things that I have had. My family isn't perfect but they have never deserted me. They stood by me as I faced this life changing ordeal. And I've been so ungrateful with the way I am, instead of trying my best, I let everything get to me. I have wonderful friends that because of insecurities I neglected and lost a few along the way. That's life, I understand that, but I wonder if things would've been different had I tried to stay in touch more. I have a job that I never thought I'd have, I have nephews that I also never thought I'd see. I have the basics to get through my day's, food on my table, clean water, power, and so much more. I have the power of choice. I love the place I live in. And I'm turning thirty this year. Looking back, one of the things that hit the most is that I don't have a single picture in important moments in my life that I'm in. Life is so fleeting, and I don't have anything to remember my childhood, teen years and early adulthood. I have no memories of participating in my own life.
From now on, I want to live, taking pictures, making memories, meeting people and stopping myself from giving in to that dark part of bad things. Because there's no point of me taking pictures of my journey if I'm not even in the pictures themselves.
Wednesday, August 2, 2017
CHANGE.
The past few weeks have been................. hectic to say the very least.
(Also, yikes. It's been a long, long time since I updated my blog. Not like anyone reads or cares but so much for promising myself to blog.)
In either case there's been quite a few drastic changes to my everyday life, all surrounding the complete uprooting of my family from one lovely little house to a small and uncomfortable apartment.
Sigh.
Needless to say that sums up everything I feel in a single word. I've been tirelessly trying to get myself to adjust to the fact we never will be able to return to the place we called home for nearly a decade. It was small, sure, it could be uncomfortable, of course, but nonetheless I was happy there. There were of course lots of time when I wished things were different at the time. I'd give anything to go back to it now that it's over.
But alas, life goes on right?
On the other hand there are maybe two things I should be grateful for in this tiny apartment.
For one, there is AC so I probably won't be dying and suffering from the heat too much (until it's fixed properly anyway) or of severe bronchitis this year.
On the other, I have a proper place to sleep.
Yay...........
But I still miss our old house already. And it's only been 3 days...................
I keep telling myself I should be grateful. We're not that far away and honestly I don't think we could've done better than this.
But it is what it is.
(Also, yikes. It's been a long, long time since I updated my blog. Not like anyone reads or cares but so much for promising myself to blog.)
In either case there's been quite a few drastic changes to my everyday life, all surrounding the complete uprooting of my family from one lovely little house to a small and uncomfortable apartment.
Sigh.
Needless to say that sums up everything I feel in a single word. I've been tirelessly trying to get myself to adjust to the fact we never will be able to return to the place we called home for nearly a decade. It was small, sure, it could be uncomfortable, of course, but nonetheless I was happy there. There were of course lots of time when I wished things were different at the time. I'd give anything to go back to it now that it's over.
But alas, life goes on right?
On the other hand there are maybe two things I should be grateful for in this tiny apartment.
For one, there is AC so I probably won't be dying and suffering from the heat too much (until it's fixed properly anyway) or of severe bronchitis this year.
On the other, I have a proper place to sleep.
Yay...........
But I still miss our old house already. And it's only been 3 days...................
I keep telling myself I should be grateful. We're not that far away and honestly I don't think we could've done better than this.
But it is what it is.
Wednesday, May 31, 2017
GOALS.
Over the past two weeks, I find myself writing much, much more in my locked diary on my computer. (Have I said I love my computer yet? because I do, I really do.)
It's always been a habit of mine to metaphorically lock my true and deep, dark feelings behind a locked safe to which only I have the key to.
Evidently, I'm not a big sharer in terms of actual feelings, despite of how honest I want to be on my blogs.
There's alot and nothing going on at home at the same time, if that makes any sense. Grandmother gets worse by the day, I broke my really good streak of healthy eating and exercising after EXO's concert (ugh), and I have to go and check that my bunny is healthy otherwise I'm going to continue this streak of sleepless nights. Even my expenses have increased in the sense that I have no idea how to save money once more. It's been a bit of a struggle, all self inflicted of course.
That's the worst part of it all, I know exactly where my financial struggles come from. It's the other struggles I find myself losing sleep over.
All in all, today is the last day of May and with June starting tomorrow, I continue my years long tradition, so namely called because I have been doing this since I was around 13-14 years old:
THE MID YEAR EVALUATION.
(That's tomorrow though if I can remember. Or sometime in June. Any of these days is fine, no pressure, @ myself.)
Struggling into success.
I was just having a look at twitter recently, and came across a long time friend. She's young, vivacious and very busy, so busy I'm lucky to hear from her from time to time a couple of months apart.
For many years now, I see that so many young people, or people around my age in general, are always jam packed with things to do. We're not teenagers anymore. We're considered adults, and as adult's we're always told we have to behave as such.
The world has defined an adult as someone who takes life seriously. Someone who plans ahead, who is prepared, who is able to maintain calm in situations. Someone who is not afraid of others and is willing to stand the ground on their beliefs. Someone who is capable of being a head of family, to head off into marriage and after conceiving being able to be a respectable Mother or Father to their children. An Adult is someone who is willing to maturely accept the world as it is, and if not, at least be a good example to those around them.
While some of these sound so noble, so true at certain extents, it still amazes me to no end seeing young kids (and I mean kids) trying their damnest to be mature during their high school years, in order to bring pride to themselves and their parents. It's lovely, you know, trying to make your mother and father proud with your hard work. A lot of kids these days have grown into mature and successful members of society because of their mature outlook in life. They alone have accomplished alot of things some of us in our older age have not, and probably never will as well.
But what about those who are trying their hardest to seem mature while having the struggling heart of an inner child trying to stay alive?
There's countless of people in the world who though aren't necessarily afraid of growing up, are a bit afraid of the future. They hide behind a prankster personality, they hide behind their immature antics and sometimes over all destroy their own futures running away from things they don't want to consider. And then there's the kids that are like my friend, who, though is very mature, is also very playful and charming and busy, busy, busy, trying their damnest to not seem lazy to the world. We spend so much of our lives trying to fit this mold of success ruled by the numbers of age and time.
We spend most of our young adult lives not knowing at all who the hell we are or if we'll ever find the reason for our lives.
We forget to do so many things in the progress while we're jam packing schedules and weeks in between the necessities of life, like school and work just so we feel useful to society.
Well, not me, but some people who are actually thinking of their futures I mean.
My own schedule is all around work and chores and duties of things I have to do for the sake of others. Once a week for a few weeks, I've tried to give myself a day of de-stressing, but even then, that's also planned and scheduled.
I hope that people who are out there working their little butts off like they do, with school and work and studying and being social for a purpose and all those things they want to do in their Universities or internships or work in general can find a moment to remember to give themselves a moment to breathe without feeling bad. It's not just the friend mentioned who has this habit of forgetting to look at how far they've come to have earned that extra three hours of sleep that day, so much to the point that instead of saying "I deserved that break" they say "Ugh fuck, I'm being unproductive and I slept extra fml".
Sometimes we're so harsh on ourselves we forget that life should be enjoyed, not dictated.
ANYWAY in either case, though this isn't the actual evaluation, I just want to give a try to not let things like goals and not achieved goals get to me. Actually, seeing how focused some people are, sometimes I can't help but feel and remember what little motivation I have as a person. But our circumstances are different. I don't know the stories of these busy people and the don't know mine, so it's easy for me to scold and advice. In either case, I will send good vibes to my busy friends and hope they get to enjoy life sometimes.
I HAVE WORK TOMORROW, PAY DAY, AND A DOC APP WITH MY SIS.
Toodles~
It's always been a habit of mine to metaphorically lock my true and deep, dark feelings behind a locked safe to which only I have the key to.
Evidently, I'm not a big sharer in terms of actual feelings, despite of how honest I want to be on my blogs.
There's alot and nothing going on at home at the same time, if that makes any sense. Grandmother gets worse by the day, I broke my really good streak of healthy eating and exercising after EXO's concert (ugh), and I have to go and check that my bunny is healthy otherwise I'm going to continue this streak of sleepless nights. Even my expenses have increased in the sense that I have no idea how to save money once more. It's been a bit of a struggle, all self inflicted of course.
That's the worst part of it all, I know exactly where my financial struggles come from. It's the other struggles I find myself losing sleep over.
All in all, today is the last day of May and with June starting tomorrow, I continue my years long tradition, so namely called because I have been doing this since I was around 13-14 years old:
THE MID YEAR EVALUATION.
(That's tomorrow though if I can remember. Or sometime in June. Any of these days is fine, no pressure, @ myself.)
Struggling into success.
I was just having a look at twitter recently, and came across a long time friend. She's young, vivacious and very busy, so busy I'm lucky to hear from her from time to time a couple of months apart.
For many years now, I see that so many young people, or people around my age in general, are always jam packed with things to do. We're not teenagers anymore. We're considered adults, and as adult's we're always told we have to behave as such.
The world has defined an adult as someone who takes life seriously. Someone who plans ahead, who is prepared, who is able to maintain calm in situations. Someone who is not afraid of others and is willing to stand the ground on their beliefs. Someone who is capable of being a head of family, to head off into marriage and after conceiving being able to be a respectable Mother or Father to their children. An Adult is someone who is willing to maturely accept the world as it is, and if not, at least be a good example to those around them.
While some of these sound so noble, so true at certain extents, it still amazes me to no end seeing young kids (and I mean kids) trying their damnest to be mature during their high school years, in order to bring pride to themselves and their parents. It's lovely, you know, trying to make your mother and father proud with your hard work. A lot of kids these days have grown into mature and successful members of society because of their mature outlook in life. They alone have accomplished alot of things some of us in our older age have not, and probably never will as well.
But what about those who are trying their hardest to seem mature while having the struggling heart of an inner child trying to stay alive?
There's countless of people in the world who though aren't necessarily afraid of growing up, are a bit afraid of the future. They hide behind a prankster personality, they hide behind their immature antics and sometimes over all destroy their own futures running away from things they don't want to consider. And then there's the kids that are like my friend, who, though is very mature, is also very playful and charming and busy, busy, busy, trying their damnest to not seem lazy to the world. We spend so much of our lives trying to fit this mold of success ruled by the numbers of age and time.
We spend most of our young adult lives not knowing at all who the hell we are or if we'll ever find the reason for our lives.
We forget to do so many things in the progress while we're jam packing schedules and weeks in between the necessities of life, like school and work just so we feel useful to society.
Well, not me, but some people who are actually thinking of their futures I mean.
My own schedule is all around work and chores and duties of things I have to do for the sake of others. Once a week for a few weeks, I've tried to give myself a day of de-stressing, but even then, that's also planned and scheduled.
I hope that people who are out there working their little butts off like they do, with school and work and studying and being social for a purpose and all those things they want to do in their Universities or internships or work in general can find a moment to remember to give themselves a moment to breathe without feeling bad. It's not just the friend mentioned who has this habit of forgetting to look at how far they've come to have earned that extra three hours of sleep that day, so much to the point that instead of saying "I deserved that break" they say "Ugh fuck, I'm being unproductive and I slept extra fml".
Sometimes we're so harsh on ourselves we forget that life should be enjoyed, not dictated.
ANYWAY in either case, though this isn't the actual evaluation, I just want to give a try to not let things like goals and not achieved goals get to me. Actually, seeing how focused some people are, sometimes I can't help but feel and remember what little motivation I have as a person. But our circumstances are different. I don't know the stories of these busy people and the don't know mine, so it's easy for me to scold and advice. In either case, I will send good vibes to my busy friends and hope they get to enjoy life sometimes.
I HAVE WORK TOMORROW, PAY DAY, AND A DOC APP WITH MY SIS.
Toodles~
Sunday, May 7, 2017
MIRROR.
Yesterday was a stressful and, as expected, chill day of celebration in honor of my tiny nephews first birthday.
There was cake, there was jello, there was more candy here than the local stores, all which is either going to waste or eventually end up giving us diabetes, and of course, there were the forceful guests who came only because they thought it would be an asshole thing to do NOT to come.
In either case, I'm glad my little nephew seemed to be a little happy, even though he had no idea what was happening. That cute little happy smile he had as he heard people randomly sing as he stood with his cake and tiny "1" candle was absolutely priceless and I'll edit that video to not hear the annoying voices of everyone else.
Lately, I haven't had energy. Not only to blog, but in general I just haven't had the motivation to do anything. Most of my days are the same. Most of my time is spent the same way. None of the times I have for breaks are used for such a thing. (I mean, what's that really?)
It appears I've fallen into that familiar routine. The kind that we dread at 18 and the one we inevitably fall into in the ordinary world. Not bad. Not good, but not bad. It's just bland.
Now, before I go on and on about how much I hate the same old thing over and over again, I'll just stop myself right there since in the end, it honestly won't matter. I'm hoping that some time in the near future there is something to look forward to. Something that gives me that little push to do something. Mehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. That's all I can really say for now.
Now for the point of this entry.
Mirror, Mirror on the wall.....
I was watching a show on Netflix called "Black Mirror" and even though we've only watched two episodes of it, it promises to be both the cause of my nightmares in both how horrifying it is, but also how dark and deep rooted it's lessons are when it comes to life and technology. It appears to surround the many fears around the advancement of the media and technology in society. The first episode is very pastel in color, but it's content very dark. It's second episode seems very carefree but with a horrifying phobia and deep dark fear. It's pretty interesting regardless of how graphic and philosophically damaging it is.
Episode two is the reason for my journal entry. It asks a question that many people are asked in a different way. We're all often asked what our biggest fear is after all. This isn't just about you being afraid of spiders, of you being afraid of ghosts or shadows. Or Aliens. I mean no one is really afraid of these things as much anymore. It appears that the fears of the world apart from being bitten or scratched have publicly being forced out into admitting there's nothing more horrifying than the human brain.
So, if you were paid an insane amount of money to face your biggest fears in life in one room, would you do it? Do you think you could survive?
Tomorrow I will attempt to return to my usual routine of healthy eating and walking. It was thrown off because of a terrible stomach flu. Time to get some zzZ's in.
Toodles~
There was cake, there was jello, there was more candy here than the local stores, all which is either going to waste or eventually end up giving us diabetes, and of course, there were the forceful guests who came only because they thought it would be an asshole thing to do NOT to come.
In either case, I'm glad my little nephew seemed to be a little happy, even though he had no idea what was happening. That cute little happy smile he had as he heard people randomly sing as he stood with his cake and tiny "1" candle was absolutely priceless and I'll edit that video to not hear the annoying voices of everyone else.
Lately, I haven't had energy. Not only to blog, but in general I just haven't had the motivation to do anything. Most of my days are the same. Most of my time is spent the same way. None of the times I have for breaks are used for such a thing. (I mean, what's that really?)
It appears I've fallen into that familiar routine. The kind that we dread at 18 and the one we inevitably fall into in the ordinary world. Not bad. Not good, but not bad. It's just bland.
Now, before I go on and on about how much I hate the same old thing over and over again, I'll just stop myself right there since in the end, it honestly won't matter. I'm hoping that some time in the near future there is something to look forward to. Something that gives me that little push to do something. Mehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. That's all I can really say for now.
Now for the point of this entry.
Mirror, Mirror on the wall.....
I was watching a show on Netflix called "Black Mirror" and even though we've only watched two episodes of it, it promises to be both the cause of my nightmares in both how horrifying it is, but also how dark and deep rooted it's lessons are when it comes to life and technology. It appears to surround the many fears around the advancement of the media and technology in society. The first episode is very pastel in color, but it's content very dark. It's second episode seems very carefree but with a horrifying phobia and deep dark fear. It's pretty interesting regardless of how graphic and philosophically damaging it is.
Episode two is the reason for my journal entry. It asks a question that many people are asked in a different way. We're all often asked what our biggest fear is after all. This isn't just about you being afraid of spiders, of you being afraid of ghosts or shadows. Or Aliens. I mean no one is really afraid of these things as much anymore. It appears that the fears of the world apart from being bitten or scratched have publicly being forced out into admitting there's nothing more horrifying than the human brain.
So, if you were paid an insane amount of money to face your biggest fears in life in one room, would you do it? Do you think you could survive?
Tomorrow I will attempt to return to my usual routine of healthy eating and walking. It was thrown off because of a terrible stomach flu. Time to get some zzZ's in.
Toodles~
Saturday, April 22, 2017
FRUGALITY.
An ironic title for me as I gear myself up to excited type on my brand new computer.
Eek!
Well truth be told, I'm actually not as excited as I thought I'd be to be able to buy my very first computer (With my own money and all I mean.) Years ago, this was nothing but a dream. Years ago though, I spent almost every waking moment of my life on the computer and on the virtual world. These days, I'm lucky if I'm ever home to rest.
There's been lots going on around. Here's a few things that happened and have happened and others that are about to be happening.
-Jenni, K and I went to the BTS concert for their "WINGS" Tour here in California. I had SO MUCH FUN. I stayed with Karen in her hotel room to keep her company for the one night I could and I just I was so excited fjdks;aflkdsf she and I have been friends for years and though Skyping and talking for a while, this was our first time meeting in person. I'm so glad she seemed to enjoy herself with us ;u; The actual concert itself was super fun. I didn't know every song or all the lyrics to the ones I knew but I had alot of fun watching the dances and seeing their performances. All in all it was alot more fun than I had expected. There were lots of nice people there too and even though we started as three in the line, we grew as a group of like 6-7 by the end it was pretty fun. Hopefully one of the people I met there will be at the EXO concert next week as we had planned. I'm hoping this will be just as fun.
-.........and on the note of the EXO concert next week, I'm super hyped. There's been lots of prep and talks and hopefully this will be a much more calm experience than their previous concert here, which apparently. I have all the things I wanted to get to enjoy my concert experience so I think I've achieved that and now I'm just waiting for D-Day.
-It's my nephews first birthday on the 8th of May so my mom is hyping herself and everyone around her with his very first birthday party which I'm sure will be a d o r a b l e.
-Mom's Birthday was this week and I got her Strawberry cheesecake from Portos bakery eventhough I didn't think I'd manage (and also somehow got the wrong candles OTL)
And now to the main point of this post............
FRUGALITY OF LIFE.
Since the beginning of this year, and as I wrote in my very expensive Seasons greetings diary........ I realized that my priorities have been put to the side for the ever popular "you only live once" attitude a lot of people have towards money. Personally, I know I'm an impulse buyer. When I started my job, I had started out with proper savings, with the proper approach to the mixture of Frugal but liberal money spending, and was able to successfully save a decent amount for my expenses. Not much, but enough to get me out of a tight spot financially in case I needed it. This is no longer the case. Time after time, I've allowed my better judgement to be clouded by luxuries I know I'm not privileged enough to afford. I've got bills to pay, credit to maintain, a bunny to maintain and lots of other necessary expenses that are much more vital. I'm currently not in the position to buy this computer I'm holding now. I've got only a bitter feeling in my gut to remember that I literally have spent all my savings in things that are 100% unnecessary. I try to justify my wreck-less spending by telling myself these are all gifts for my own birthday. But I know I'm only doing it out of splurging. Out of nothing.
Sitting down and budgeting while at work today, I realized if I stopped doing so many things that I don't need to do, spending in things I don't need to spend on so excessively and over all following my original plan as I had been doing properly, I could be saving quite alot. So after next weeks concert, I've decided that being frugal was the way of life for me, though I will be extending that towards being the ultimate penny pincher for the rest of this year, or until I feel like I'm safe enough to go on another wreck-less spending spree at some point in life.
Ah, being an adult is no fun.
Also agh my debts. I hate debts. I don't want debts. Debts be damned.
I'm so excited for next weeks concert. I'm excited for the set of music I've been wanting to hear and of having my day off and wearing that choker and sweater I've been wanting to wear (eventhough it appears to be another hot week coming up.)
All in all, I guess I see this as the real end. Of this streak at least.
Eek!
Well truth be told, I'm actually not as excited as I thought I'd be to be able to buy my very first computer (With my own money and all I mean.) Years ago, this was nothing but a dream. Years ago though, I spent almost every waking moment of my life on the computer and on the virtual world. These days, I'm lucky if I'm ever home to rest.
There's been lots going on around. Here's a few things that happened and have happened and others that are about to be happening.
-Jenni, K and I went to the BTS concert for their "WINGS" Tour here in California. I had SO MUCH FUN. I stayed with Karen in her hotel room to keep her company for the one night I could and I just I was so excited fjdks;aflkdsf she and I have been friends for years and though Skyping and talking for a while, this was our first time meeting in person. I'm so glad she seemed to enjoy herself with us ;u; The actual concert itself was super fun. I didn't know every song or all the lyrics to the ones I knew but I had alot of fun watching the dances and seeing their performances. All in all it was alot more fun than I had expected. There were lots of nice people there too and even though we started as three in the line, we grew as a group of like 6-7 by the end it was pretty fun. Hopefully one of the people I met there will be at the EXO concert next week as we had planned. I'm hoping this will be just as fun.
-.........and on the note of the EXO concert next week, I'm super hyped. There's been lots of prep and talks and hopefully this will be a much more calm experience than their previous concert here, which apparently. I have all the things I wanted to get to enjoy my concert experience so I think I've achieved that and now I'm just waiting for D-Day.
-It's my nephews first birthday on the 8th of May so my mom is hyping herself and everyone around her with his very first birthday party which I'm sure will be a d o r a b l e.
-Mom's Birthday was this week and I got her Strawberry cheesecake from Portos bakery eventhough I didn't think I'd manage (and also somehow got the wrong candles OTL)
And now to the main point of this post............
FRUGALITY OF LIFE.
Since the beginning of this year, and as I wrote in my very expensive Seasons greetings diary........ I realized that my priorities have been put to the side for the ever popular "you only live once" attitude a lot of people have towards money. Personally, I know I'm an impulse buyer. When I started my job, I had started out with proper savings, with the proper approach to the mixture of Frugal but liberal money spending, and was able to successfully save a decent amount for my expenses. Not much, but enough to get me out of a tight spot financially in case I needed it. This is no longer the case. Time after time, I've allowed my better judgement to be clouded by luxuries I know I'm not privileged enough to afford. I've got bills to pay, credit to maintain, a bunny to maintain and lots of other necessary expenses that are much more vital. I'm currently not in the position to buy this computer I'm holding now. I've got only a bitter feeling in my gut to remember that I literally have spent all my savings in things that are 100% unnecessary. I try to justify my wreck-less spending by telling myself these are all gifts for my own birthday. But I know I'm only doing it out of splurging. Out of nothing.
Sitting down and budgeting while at work today, I realized if I stopped doing so many things that I don't need to do, spending in things I don't need to spend on so excessively and over all following my original plan as I had been doing properly, I could be saving quite alot. So after next weeks concert, I've decided that being frugal was the way of life for me, though I will be extending that towards being the ultimate penny pincher for the rest of this year, or until I feel like I'm safe enough to go on another wreck-less spending spree at some point in life.
Ah, being an adult is no fun.
Also agh my debts. I hate debts. I don't want debts. Debts be damned.
I'm so excited for next weeks concert. I'm excited for the set of music I've been wanting to hear and of having my day off and wearing that choker and sweater I've been wanting to wear (eventhough it appears to be another hot week coming up.)
All in all, I guess I see this as the real end. Of this streak at least.
Saturday, February 11, 2017
NOISE.
The unfortunate circumstances of life has led to a complete halt of my promised blogging. Even though not as consistent as I had promised myself to be, it's even worse now for the one tragic reason I never thought I'd say.
I. HAVE. NO. COMPUTER.
Ok that's not entirely true, but it's more like, I have no actual functioning computer. Not even a desktop. Unfortunately, and the one I'm using to type up this message, this old man computer is the only thing available in the house. It's an old, very very old computer, with an old windows system (long forgotten by me) is what I like to call "well loved". Translation would have it as over used, with the keys already rubbed off from all the letters because of endless hours and memories of skype sessions, video chats and lots and lots of time on the old MSN messenger. Ah, time flies by. There was a time when I couldn't imagine my life outside the 5th wall of technology. Now, I so rarely have time to even browse around, succumbing to only checking on my phone.
Time flies by.
Anyway, I am extremely bummed at my lack of computer since there's so much I need to do, so much I want to help with, and projects coming up. It's almost the birthday's of my two favorite people in the world, Shin Soohyun of U-KISS and Kim Minseok of EXO, my two adorable biases. And I'm so so so so SO SO SO SO SO hoping I can have a computer before those days, because no matter how much I want to seem like a grown adult, I'm still trash for my Korean pop music.
And on that note, this is something that has been bothering me for so long now.
The idol life's dilemma.
It's no secret to those who know me and those around me that I love Asian music, incomprehensible to people who see my playlists and come across it. They give me puzzling looks of disbelief, wondering why in the world I bother to listen to music I can't understand. The answer is very simple. I LIKE THE RHYTHM. It was all a complete coincidence, and another story as to why I ended up swept up in the charts of Asian music, and specifically Korean Music. Long story short, it was actually because of my love for Japanese music that I discovered Korean Music (and unrelatedly, Chinese music as well) around 14 years ago.
And through these genres, I've stuck with K-pop music the most, even though I will always find their ways of handling entertainment figures a tad bit either exaggerating or cruel. But out of all the things that happen, there's the dreaded two year mandatory military enlistment that every male, no matter how rich or famous has to go through before the age of 30. Normally, in most countries, it goes unperceived and passes quickly, Korea being no exception. But being swept off as I am, and with my current favorite people as they stand, I can't help but think of the major differences between them, as well as the whole picture for being a star.
I find it a bit heart breaking over and over, not just in K-pop but in general. Over time, we come across people who's music we love. Who's voices and lyrics have changed the world. There are people who's presence and achievements inspire us to do something, anything really. And yet as years roll by, we realize how easy it is to forget them as well. When I started listening to this particular genre in Korea, I was caught up by the catchy tunes and fancy synchronized dancing, beautiful men and women in groups of four or five going around the world and filling stadiums and other places. And yet now, those same legendary groups and people who were once so popular, and though still loved all over the world, are replaced by the younger generation, as is the way of life. The old groups are replaced by the groups of today and the once legendary groups have to remind fans of younger groups how the struggles of their own groups helped pave the way for these younger groups to go internationally famous. And there is nothing wrong with having new groups replace older groups, as I mentioned, it's the way of life and there will be nothing we can do to stop that from happening. But I find it very melancholic, wondering if when people start off their careers at the age of 15-16 and knowing their time in the spotlight is only limited to their youth, were they will reach their peak only to be outshined a few years later.
As Soohyun and Minseok's enlistments approach, since they're both reaching 28 and 27 respectively, no matter how much I want to not think about it, the differences in the status' is ridiculously high and I'm sad to think of what will happen in the future. Soohyun in particular has been my absolute favorite person in the world for over 8 years. I'm hoping that life allows him to continue to shine on stage, just like he likes; just like I know he wants to for years to come. As for Minseok, I'm not as worried. Minseok and EXO have a huge following that I believe will follow him as long as he wants to be on stage, maybe downsizing a bit as years pass by, but loyal and big just the same. But only if he chooses. Who knows what the future will hold for him as well.
Anywhooo, after these depressing thoughts about my favorite people and stuff, I think I'll go look around for computers x_____x
TOODLES.
I. HAVE. NO. COMPUTER.
Ok that's not entirely true, but it's more like, I have no actual functioning computer. Not even a desktop. Unfortunately, and the one I'm using to type up this message, this old man computer is the only thing available in the house. It's an old, very very old computer, with an old windows system (long forgotten by me) is what I like to call "well loved". Translation would have it as over used, with the keys already rubbed off from all the letters because of endless hours and memories of skype sessions, video chats and lots and lots of time on the old MSN messenger. Ah, time flies by. There was a time when I couldn't imagine my life outside the 5th wall of technology. Now, I so rarely have time to even browse around, succumbing to only checking on my phone.
Time flies by.
Anyway, I am extremely bummed at my lack of computer since there's so much I need to do, so much I want to help with, and projects coming up. It's almost the birthday's of my two favorite people in the world, Shin Soohyun of U-KISS and Kim Minseok of EXO, my two adorable biases. And I'm so so so so SO SO SO SO SO hoping I can have a computer before those days, because no matter how much I want to seem like a grown adult, I'm still trash for my Korean pop music.
And on that note, this is something that has been bothering me for so long now.
The idol life's dilemma.
It's no secret to those who know me and those around me that I love Asian music, incomprehensible to people who see my playlists and come across it. They give me puzzling looks of disbelief, wondering why in the world I bother to listen to music I can't understand. The answer is very simple. I LIKE THE RHYTHM. It was all a complete coincidence, and another story as to why I ended up swept up in the charts of Asian music, and specifically Korean Music. Long story short, it was actually because of my love for Japanese music that I discovered Korean Music (and unrelatedly, Chinese music as well) around 14 years ago.
And through these genres, I've stuck with K-pop music the most, even though I will always find their ways of handling entertainment figures a tad bit either exaggerating or cruel. But out of all the things that happen, there's the dreaded two year mandatory military enlistment that every male, no matter how rich or famous has to go through before the age of 30. Normally, in most countries, it goes unperceived and passes quickly, Korea being no exception. But being swept off as I am, and with my current favorite people as they stand, I can't help but think of the major differences between them, as well as the whole picture for being a star.
I find it a bit heart breaking over and over, not just in K-pop but in general. Over time, we come across people who's music we love. Who's voices and lyrics have changed the world. There are people who's presence and achievements inspire us to do something, anything really. And yet as years roll by, we realize how easy it is to forget them as well. When I started listening to this particular genre in Korea, I was caught up by the catchy tunes and fancy synchronized dancing, beautiful men and women in groups of four or five going around the world and filling stadiums and other places. And yet now, those same legendary groups and people who were once so popular, and though still loved all over the world, are replaced by the younger generation, as is the way of life. The old groups are replaced by the groups of today and the once legendary groups have to remind fans of younger groups how the struggles of their own groups helped pave the way for these younger groups to go internationally famous. And there is nothing wrong with having new groups replace older groups, as I mentioned, it's the way of life and there will be nothing we can do to stop that from happening. But I find it very melancholic, wondering if when people start off their careers at the age of 15-16 and knowing their time in the spotlight is only limited to their youth, were they will reach their peak only to be outshined a few years later.
As Soohyun and Minseok's enlistments approach, since they're both reaching 28 and 27 respectively, no matter how much I want to not think about it, the differences in the status' is ridiculously high and I'm sad to think of what will happen in the future. Soohyun in particular has been my absolute favorite person in the world for over 8 years. I'm hoping that life allows him to continue to shine on stage, just like he likes; just like I know he wants to for years to come. As for Minseok, I'm not as worried. Minseok and EXO have a huge following that I believe will follow him as long as he wants to be on stage, maybe downsizing a bit as years pass by, but loyal and big just the same. But only if he chooses. Who knows what the future will hold for him as well.
Anywhooo, after these depressing thoughts about my favorite people and stuff, I think I'll go look around for computers x_____x
TOODLES.
Tuesday, January 10, 2017
Opposite.
Despite my efforts to not build up any weird resentment or bad feelings, I realize there is one thing I don't think I have the capability of standing no matter how hard I try:
Idiots.
We've all heard of them. These are the people who live with you sometimes, who take your stuff and then get angry when you use even a q-tip, saying they never do that to you. These are the people who go on the bus with you and sit down only to tell the bus driver they're only going one stop away and refuse to pay and hold up everyone else. These are the people who drive a Mercedes Benz and go into your store and buy expensive water but pay you in pennies, dimes and nickles. (Yes this happened to me yesterday.)
These are the people who lack common sense. Who can't see the clarity of a situation well and stick to their guns in stupidity because they. don't. fuckin. get it.
Even so, I have to remind myself that there are moments when these people don't do it on purpose.
....Right?
I mean.... no one can genuinely act that dumb and be conscious of how dumb it is and STILL do it. Right?
.............................Right?
Any who. Today is a rainy Tuesday.
I realized something about myself not long ago. First of all, I'm a person who enjoys the cold. I love cold weather, I love rainy days, I love fog, I love, love, love cloudy days. I live in California, so that must be another reason why when I see a cold, day I'm just so ridiculously happy. We don't have that many here. Ever since I was young, I've thought, if I could choose an element for me, it would be ice, the cold. The freezing. Hell, I even thought about moving somewhere where it's cold all year round.
But for a couple of years, I have also learned to enjoy the sun. Summer was always, still is, my least favorite time of the year. I don't like the massive heat waves that drag on for months. I hate humidity. I hate dry heat too. I hate waking up and feeling like It won't matter what I use, I'll end up covered in sweat and indecent exposure is not an option lol.....
But I also learned that there are things that I can only enjoy doing in the summer that I didn't like before. I like going on walks in the morning without worrying I'll catch a cold. I like sitting outside in the afternoon and looking up to the sunset. I fuckin love seeing the summer night sky, the extra hours of daylight so there's more chances to hang out with friends and not feel like I have to walk in the dark. I love the night time in the city in summer. Summer events and all that. There's winter events too but theres alot more to do in the summer, being summer and all.
I think this might have to do with my illness. Before, I could sit in cold weather and have all the possible capacity. I was always able to handle low temperatures (well, Cali low) well in the 30 F when they reached that low. Now, it's only 50 F and I'm freezing, my hands are always super cold. My body can't take the slightest breeze. It's so stupid. I mean, it's fine, but still. I miss the cold weather. The other time, I stood in the rain for a little bit while trying to fix something outside when it was pouring and I just looked up and saw it fall. It's beautiful, it's different from alot of things. I love water and the rain and I was really happy but those few minutes of proper nature gave me a cold and I was like.... what the hell? lol
Oh well. Things change over time.
I have work and it's raining.
Let me see if I can enjoy today better than yesterday.
Toodles~
Idiots.
We've all heard of them. These are the people who live with you sometimes, who take your stuff and then get angry when you use even a q-tip, saying they never do that to you. These are the people who go on the bus with you and sit down only to tell the bus driver they're only going one stop away and refuse to pay and hold up everyone else. These are the people who drive a Mercedes Benz and go into your store and buy expensive water but pay you in pennies, dimes and nickles. (Yes this happened to me yesterday.)
These are the people who lack common sense. Who can't see the clarity of a situation well and stick to their guns in stupidity because they. don't. fuckin. get it.
Even so, I have to remind myself that there are moments when these people don't do it on purpose.
....Right?
I mean.... no one can genuinely act that dumb and be conscious of how dumb it is and STILL do it. Right?
.............................Right?
Any who. Today is a rainy Tuesday.
I realized something about myself not long ago. First of all, I'm a person who enjoys the cold. I love cold weather, I love rainy days, I love fog, I love, love, love cloudy days. I live in California, so that must be another reason why when I see a cold, day I'm just so ridiculously happy. We don't have that many here. Ever since I was young, I've thought, if I could choose an element for me, it would be ice, the cold. The freezing. Hell, I even thought about moving somewhere where it's cold all year round.
But for a couple of years, I have also learned to enjoy the sun. Summer was always, still is, my least favorite time of the year. I don't like the massive heat waves that drag on for months. I hate humidity. I hate dry heat too. I hate waking up and feeling like It won't matter what I use, I'll end up covered in sweat and indecent exposure is not an option lol.....
But I also learned that there are things that I can only enjoy doing in the summer that I didn't like before. I like going on walks in the morning without worrying I'll catch a cold. I like sitting outside in the afternoon and looking up to the sunset. I fuckin love seeing the summer night sky, the extra hours of daylight so there's more chances to hang out with friends and not feel like I have to walk in the dark. I love the night time in the city in summer. Summer events and all that. There's winter events too but theres alot more to do in the summer, being summer and all.
I think this might have to do with my illness. Before, I could sit in cold weather and have all the possible capacity. I was always able to handle low temperatures (well, Cali low) well in the 30 F when they reached that low. Now, it's only 50 F and I'm freezing, my hands are always super cold. My body can't take the slightest breeze. It's so stupid. I mean, it's fine, but still. I miss the cold weather. The other time, I stood in the rain for a little bit while trying to fix something outside when it was pouring and I just looked up and saw it fall. It's beautiful, it's different from alot of things. I love water and the rain and I was really happy but those few minutes of proper nature gave me a cold and I was like.... what the hell? lol
Oh well. Things change over time.
I have work and it's raining.
Let me see if I can enjoy today better than yesterday.
Toodles~
Sunday, January 8, 2017
Alone.
As per the norm, the week has been anything but easy.
But as my New years entry stated, it has been a little easier to deal with. Not entirely, but a little bit whenever I think about the content. I'm trying. Week one of the rest of my life I guess.
ANYWAY. Today, Sunday, is a sunny day out, though it's been said it will rain tonight, hard.
One week left of Frreedom and then it's the time for Cheeto wannabe.
All in all there's plenty to say and simultaneously not enough things to be said. Or more like, as always, there alot going on but is it really worth going into them?
No, not really.
Here's a few things that have happened for the first week of 2017.
-SURPRISINGLY, I haven't forgotten to put 2017 when writing out the date at work. It's been a life long struggle to put the new year, usually getting the gist of it around the April or May months, but it's been surprisingly easy not to forget it's not 2016 anymore. I guess I hated it that much LOLOL....
-I am broke. Which is not new. But still awful.
-Jade and I went to have tea time at the Tea Rose Garden, which is quickly becoming my favorite place and that is NOT GOOD because it's so expensive x____x
-With the Christmas money my mom gave me, I bought myself EXO's 2017 Seasons greetings and Oh. MY. GOD. The Diary, which is the reason I bought it, IS AMAZING. I love it. I fuckin love it JESUS. fjldks;jaflks;jlj;sdlf I want to take pretty pics and polaroids of all the things (the wall calendar, the desk calendar, the mini pocket calendar, the Jongin photo pop up thing, Merry X-mas stickers from EXO) but I cannot OTL Every electronic fails me! OTL OTL
-Sasha has been encouraging me to sing up for delivery things from Yahoo Auctions Japan because the Fifth Anniv sweater for U-KISS tour is sold out and I might be able to find it there BUT I AM SO AFRAID CUZ SECURITY BREACHES OTL OTL fkdja;lfkj;dJFLDSKJFL
-I am in massive need to do a MASSIVE CLEAN UP of elephantine proportions. Like. Ridiculous. All my stuff is all over the place, all my clothes are wrinkled. I am a neat freak in every level. I love cleanliness and minimalism and being able to see space. But it's so difficult in a house where theres a. Tons of medical machines and b. tons of untidy people OTL OTL OTL OTL
-I've been depriving my brains of knowledge. I think it's time to let go of that and get back into the groove of something that is worth while.
-OTL There's alot of things to plan and do but I unfortunately have zero motivation.
-And bills.
-And appointments.
-OTL.....................
Should probably go look for something to eat.
Toodles~
But as my New years entry stated, it has been a little easier to deal with. Not entirely, but a little bit whenever I think about the content. I'm trying. Week one of the rest of my life I guess.
ANYWAY. Today, Sunday, is a sunny day out, though it's been said it will rain tonight, hard.
One week left of Frreedom and then it's the time for Cheeto wannabe.
All in all there's plenty to say and simultaneously not enough things to be said. Or more like, as always, there alot going on but is it really worth going into them?
No, not really.
Here's a few things that have happened for the first week of 2017.
-SURPRISINGLY, I haven't forgotten to put 2017 when writing out the date at work. It's been a life long struggle to put the new year, usually getting the gist of it around the April or May months, but it's been surprisingly easy not to forget it's not 2016 anymore. I guess I hated it that much LOLOL....
-I am broke. Which is not new. But still awful.
-Jade and I went to have tea time at the Tea Rose Garden, which is quickly becoming my favorite place and that is NOT GOOD because it's so expensive x____x
-With the Christmas money my mom gave me, I bought myself EXO's 2017 Seasons greetings and Oh. MY. GOD. The Diary, which is the reason I bought it, IS AMAZING. I love it. I fuckin love it JESUS. fjldks;jaflks;jlj;sdlf I want to take pretty pics and polaroids of all the things (the wall calendar, the desk calendar, the mini pocket calendar, the Jongin photo pop up thing, Merry X-mas stickers from EXO) but I cannot OTL Every electronic fails me! OTL OTL
-Sasha has been encouraging me to sing up for delivery things from Yahoo Auctions Japan because the Fifth Anniv sweater for U-KISS tour is sold out and I might be able to find it there BUT I AM SO AFRAID CUZ SECURITY BREACHES OTL OTL fkdja;lfkj;dJFLDSKJFL
-I am in massive need to do a MASSIVE CLEAN UP of elephantine proportions. Like. Ridiculous. All my stuff is all over the place, all my clothes are wrinkled. I am a neat freak in every level. I love cleanliness and minimalism and being able to see space. But it's so difficult in a house where theres a. Tons of medical machines and b. tons of untidy people OTL OTL OTL OTL
-I've been depriving my brains of knowledge. I think it's time to let go of that and get back into the groove of something that is worth while.
-OTL There's alot of things to plan and do but I unfortunately have zero motivation.
-And bills.
-And appointments.
-OTL.....................
Should probably go look for something to eat.
Toodles~
Monday, January 2, 2017
History.
I had a fairly enjoyable day. It was uneventful in some ways, nothing out of the ordinary that I wouldn't do on a Monday, but enjoyable just the same.
It was light hearted, the store was busy with customers who were literally super thirsty (lol)
And I had a wonderful visit and lunch with my best friend of over ten years, who was visiting her family who still lives here in the city. It was much needed and appreciated. She's stuck by me this whole time, My best friend, T, and I have the kind of friendship where you don't talk for months but pick up right where you left off. There's no awkward silence. There's not moments when we feel like we don't know eachother anymore. We both have lives and understand there are times we won't have time to stay in contact for prolonged amounts of time. But it's the same every time we do get to meet up. Mind you, it's been literally 3 years since I saw her for real, more than five minutes.
I'm very happy to have my best friend.
And her children too fjsdlkfa;sd they're so sweet eventhough I'm awful with kids. Her youngest one, G, a quiet and energetic little boy. Ar. and An. Ar is smaller and more chatty. An is a little more shy and has terrible jokes for being in the third grade. They're very sweet children.
TODAY IS A GOOD DAY.
I got to see my friend, I got to see my bunny who I haven't seen in three weeks, and I stuck to my fuckin guns and started off a good healthy way.
NOW LET'S SEE IF I CAN MANAGE TO STAY THIS WAY FOR THE REST OF THE YEAR.
Although I'm still unhappy that two of the things I ordered still haven't arrived in the mail fjslkdfa One is coming from China (It's in Chicago right now apparently) and another one from Korea. I just hope, especially the package from Korea, doesn't come past this week because otherwise I'm gonna be super mad. I paid a ridiculously large amount for it's shipping BEFORE this week ends for a reason. >:(
Although I'm still unhappy that two of the things I ordered still haven't arrived in the mail fjslkdfa One is coming from China (It's in Chicago right now apparently) and another one from Korea. I just hope, especially the package from Korea, doesn't come past this week because otherwise I'm gonna be super mad. I paid a ridiculously large amount for it's shipping BEFORE this week ends for a reason. >:(
I have to fix my fucked up sleepin schedule. So I shall do that now, after tea.
Toodles~
Sunday, January 1, 2017
606
At the end of every year, there are certain things I have done and not done. By that, I don't mean the endless traditions around the world that people do in hopes for a bright and happy new 365 days of what we call a year.
Yes, I still eat the grapes at the struck of twelve seconds to midnight, with only zero point zero one percent of belief that they might come true.
Yes, I still wait up and yell Happy New year with the rest of the world in the same coastal and bi-coastal areas, cheering for having one cycle to end and another one to begin.
Yes, I still make the crappy resolutions that we all make, about losing weight and being a better person, about trying to take care of me.
About making promises about how I'm going to better myself as a human being, whatever the hell that means.
I've been doing this for now 27, about to be 28 years of my life with little fruitation, with little hopes and little believes as to what the future holds for me and those around me.
2016 was an extremely painful year.
Once upon a time for a little while, I made an entry in the beginning of the year telling myself that I hope that because the year 2016 held my favorite number, it would bring me lots of happiness and, if not achievements, at least a few little steps into what would be a good path.
All in all, even though I always complain about it, even though all my writing is always dramatic and painful and full of words about how excruciating and exhausting and tiring it is "to be me" so to say, this is completely different from trying to relieve my stress through writing. I honestly can't put into words how.......sad this year was for me. To my friends that know, they understand why I'm even more insufferable than usual. To those who don't, I don't feel too bad they don't, mainly because it's something pitiful and cruel. And I've already been told "I'm so sorry. Hang in there" so much since November that I don't think I want to keep hearing the words right now. Not while I should be making memories.
Memories. That's all I think about now a days.
When I start a new year, there are a few personal things I do. The notebooks and notes that I always make to write my feelings or thoughts are burned. They're destroyed in symbolism to end with the 365'th day for when the cycle of earths orbit restarts. I give myself one final night of the sorrow of the year, of the happiness of it and lots of other things that I always feel will be the last. It reminds me of Time. And for those who know me well enough know time is dangerous, what it means as well. For the 4th consecutive year, it was an empty calendar. There were no moments of personal achievements like other years. There was a time a long time ago when I'd take upon small personal projects for growth, for learning, for nurturing my mind before it's inevitable doom towards not even remembering my own phone number, let alone the words to my favorite song.
My nephew is the only occurrence of 2016 that is worth celebrating and remembering fondly. A bland, boring and sad year over all apart from that tiny ball of adorable sunshine.
There is nothing in 2017 that promises it will be a better year. I know if anyone who knows me where to come across this post, they'd see a classic downer post, no different from my countless rants and spur of the moment darkness; Yet another post of my angst and negativity. It's not. This is an empty post for the only plans I have for my next 364 days (-1 day because it's already January 1st 2017).
This year there is only a few things I want to do. They've all been formed and shaped by the upcoming events for radical reasons.
All in all, I will be going into this year for the first time in 6 years solo. There is no place to run to like I usually did once a week. I have to go with this whole thing, this journey into unknown territory alone.
Second of all, there is the preparation to dealing with the stages of grief, which I've already started. I cannot hold it off forever and it's coming up in a slow and agonizing way, but picking up speed to the inevitable.
Third of all, my future at the hands of the future of this country in jeapordy. Whether I thrive or not is now in the hands of newly appointed by a majorly biased population now. What pity. I really enjoyed the 3 years of freedom I had.
Three things in a list seems like so little but it's three huge events.
Every year since I discovered it, I read Atlas Shrugged like most people read the bible. The thought that my thoughts aren't alone is comforting. It's the only light I've had in my path in so long, it reminds me that I have a choice of what to do for the rest of my life. I wanted to be like Ayn's Characters. I was young and naive and thought I could be like Dagny. Like Dominique. Like Gail, like Roark. I thought I could be like John Galt. But I'm actually more like Cherryl Taggart. A worshiper of the only things I believe in life.
I want to live my life from now on away from all of this.
“Learn to distinguish the difference between errors of knowledge and breaches of morality. An error of knowledge is not a moral flaw, provided you are willing to correct it; only a mystic would judge human beings by the standard of an impossible, automatic omniscience. But a breach of morality is the conscious choice of an action you know to be evil, or a willful evasion of knowledge, a suspension of sight and of thought. That which you do not know, is not a moral charge against you; but that which you refuse to know, is an account of infamy growing in your soul. Make every allowance for errors of knowledge; do not forgive or accept any break of morality.”
For 2017, it's time to put away all the things I once believed in. Every year, I allow myself to fall for the same garbage. For the same hopes and dreams. I consider them garbage now in the sense that I've had the exact same mentality for most of my life without cause or reason. No, I will not suddenly become ignorant to how difficult it will be to leave the old mentalities behind. But it is necessary to get rid of every piece of non-sense I've drilled into my brain, or that has been drilled into my brain. I have loved Astronomy for so long, for such a long time I have looked at the stars fondly, in awe of the beauty of creation, of the universe, of the endless possibilities, of the catastrophic ends. Unlike the world, unlike life, the universe and the cosmos are endless and absolute; their laws are eternal. We are not. We are here in a place in life where we care about things that ultimately do not matter. That will never matter. I will sit in loneliness all my life because no one will ever know things I will never allow them to see. I will always look at the light of dead stars in the sky knowing I can never see the beginning or the end.
I cannot allow my life to keep going in this same path anymore.
No matter what I do, I cannot became the cold emotionless person I want to be. I cannot sit in a room full of people in sorrow and pretend I don't see them in pain. But from now on, I think I will stop putting all these people ahead of me every time. I'm selfish. I'm selfish to the core and I know it. And I love it. I have the confidence to know I will be ok by myself, I always have. But I'm not stupid. We need people's encouragement to continue living in life. We need to surround ourselves with those who reflect us and our greatest achievements, our greatest achievements and dreams. I want to keep the people who's lives influences mine with me. But loving people is not enough reason to allow them to hurt you. Loving and being kind to people so they don't feel what you do is not enough reason to allow them the chance to become more important than you are. I know this. But I've still let this happen all my life.
I'm tired of it lol
365 days in a year are not enough days in life to make a change from a difficult life. I'm not the kind of person who is going to claim that from now on things will be entirely different, that I will wake up tomorrow morning with a completely different attitude and I will confidently walk into a new day with a big heroic smile on my face ready to take on any challenge. I'm just so very tired of promising myself shit and getting nowhere at all with it, because even I know it won't happen if I still make the same promises. Promises ceased to mean something to me so long ago. I've never been stupid enough to believe in the white lies. I've never wanted to see things for what they were. That's what I'm trying to end now.
2017 is such a dramatic number, and this is just another dramatic post.
But for me, this is the true end, the reset because I'm still Mystic Messenger trash.
I think it's really time for me to give up. To truly start over.
I want to look at the cosmos every day from now on, to remind me, to remind my head that there's still something to see. Something to enjoy in my existence, even if it's just for a little while longer.
So I will. No matter what the consequence.
Yes, I still eat the grapes at the struck of twelve seconds to midnight, with only zero point zero one percent of belief that they might come true.
Yes, I still wait up and yell Happy New year with the rest of the world in the same coastal and bi-coastal areas, cheering for having one cycle to end and another one to begin.
Yes, I still make the crappy resolutions that we all make, about losing weight and being a better person, about trying to take care of me.
About making promises about how I'm going to better myself as a human being, whatever the hell that means.
I've been doing this for now 27, about to be 28 years of my life with little fruitation, with little hopes and little believes as to what the future holds for me and those around me.
2016 was an extremely painful year.
Once upon a time for a little while, I made an entry in the beginning of the year telling myself that I hope that because the year 2016 held my favorite number, it would bring me lots of happiness and, if not achievements, at least a few little steps into what would be a good path.
All in all, even though I always complain about it, even though all my writing is always dramatic and painful and full of words about how excruciating and exhausting and tiring it is "to be me" so to say, this is completely different from trying to relieve my stress through writing. I honestly can't put into words how.......sad this year was for me. To my friends that know, they understand why I'm even more insufferable than usual. To those who don't, I don't feel too bad they don't, mainly because it's something pitiful and cruel. And I've already been told "I'm so sorry. Hang in there" so much since November that I don't think I want to keep hearing the words right now. Not while I should be making memories.
Memories. That's all I think about now a days.
When I start a new year, there are a few personal things I do. The notebooks and notes that I always make to write my feelings or thoughts are burned. They're destroyed in symbolism to end with the 365'th day for when the cycle of earths orbit restarts. I give myself one final night of the sorrow of the year, of the happiness of it and lots of other things that I always feel will be the last. It reminds me of Time. And for those who know me well enough know time is dangerous, what it means as well. For the 4th consecutive year, it was an empty calendar. There were no moments of personal achievements like other years. There was a time a long time ago when I'd take upon small personal projects for growth, for learning, for nurturing my mind before it's inevitable doom towards not even remembering my own phone number, let alone the words to my favorite song.
My nephew is the only occurrence of 2016 that is worth celebrating and remembering fondly. A bland, boring and sad year over all apart from that tiny ball of adorable sunshine.
There is nothing in 2017 that promises it will be a better year. I know if anyone who knows me where to come across this post, they'd see a classic downer post, no different from my countless rants and spur of the moment darkness; Yet another post of my angst and negativity. It's not. This is an empty post for the only plans I have for my next 364 days (-1 day because it's already January 1st 2017).
This year there is only a few things I want to do. They've all been formed and shaped by the upcoming events for radical reasons.
All in all, I will be going into this year for the first time in 6 years solo. There is no place to run to like I usually did once a week. I have to go with this whole thing, this journey into unknown territory alone.
Second of all, there is the preparation to dealing with the stages of grief, which I've already started. I cannot hold it off forever and it's coming up in a slow and agonizing way, but picking up speed to the inevitable.
Third of all, my future at the hands of the future of this country in jeapordy. Whether I thrive or not is now in the hands of newly appointed by a majorly biased population now. What pity. I really enjoyed the 3 years of freedom I had.
Three things in a list seems like so little but it's three huge events.
Every year since I discovered it, I read Atlas Shrugged like most people read the bible. The thought that my thoughts aren't alone is comforting. It's the only light I've had in my path in so long, it reminds me that I have a choice of what to do for the rest of my life. I wanted to be like Ayn's Characters. I was young and naive and thought I could be like Dagny. Like Dominique. Like Gail, like Roark. I thought I could be like John Galt. But I'm actually more like Cherryl Taggart. A worshiper of the only things I believe in life.
I want to live my life from now on away from all of this.
“Learn to distinguish the difference between errors of knowledge and breaches of morality. An error of knowledge is not a moral flaw, provided you are willing to correct it; only a mystic would judge human beings by the standard of an impossible, automatic omniscience. But a breach of morality is the conscious choice of an action you know to be evil, or a willful evasion of knowledge, a suspension of sight and of thought. That which you do not know, is not a moral charge against you; but that which you refuse to know, is an account of infamy growing in your soul. Make every allowance for errors of knowledge; do not forgive or accept any break of morality.”
For 2017, it's time to put away all the things I once believed in. Every year, I allow myself to fall for the same garbage. For the same hopes and dreams. I consider them garbage now in the sense that I've had the exact same mentality for most of my life without cause or reason. No, I will not suddenly become ignorant to how difficult it will be to leave the old mentalities behind. But it is necessary to get rid of every piece of non-sense I've drilled into my brain, or that has been drilled into my brain. I have loved Astronomy for so long, for such a long time I have looked at the stars fondly, in awe of the beauty of creation, of the universe, of the endless possibilities, of the catastrophic ends. Unlike the world, unlike life, the universe and the cosmos are endless and absolute; their laws are eternal. We are not. We are here in a place in life where we care about things that ultimately do not matter. That will never matter. I will sit in loneliness all my life because no one will ever know things I will never allow them to see. I will always look at the light of dead stars in the sky knowing I can never see the beginning or the end.
I cannot allow my life to keep going in this same path anymore.
No matter what I do, I cannot became the cold emotionless person I want to be. I cannot sit in a room full of people in sorrow and pretend I don't see them in pain. But from now on, I think I will stop putting all these people ahead of me every time. I'm selfish. I'm selfish to the core and I know it. And I love it. I have the confidence to know I will be ok by myself, I always have. But I'm not stupid. We need people's encouragement to continue living in life. We need to surround ourselves with those who reflect us and our greatest achievements, our greatest achievements and dreams. I want to keep the people who's lives influences mine with me. But loving people is not enough reason to allow them to hurt you. Loving and being kind to people so they don't feel what you do is not enough reason to allow them the chance to become more important than you are. I know this. But I've still let this happen all my life.
I'm tired of it lol
365 days in a year are not enough days in life to make a change from a difficult life. I'm not the kind of person who is going to claim that from now on things will be entirely different, that I will wake up tomorrow morning with a completely different attitude and I will confidently walk into a new day with a big heroic smile on my face ready to take on any challenge. I'm just so very tired of promising myself shit and getting nowhere at all with it, because even I know it won't happen if I still make the same promises. Promises ceased to mean something to me so long ago. I've never been stupid enough to believe in the white lies. I've never wanted to see things for what they were. That's what I'm trying to end now.
2017 is such a dramatic number, and this is just another dramatic post.
But for me, this is the true end, the reset because I'm still Mystic Messenger trash.
I think it's really time for me to give up. To truly start over.
I want to look at the cosmos every day from now on, to remind me, to remind my head that there's still something to see. Something to enjoy in my existence, even if it's just for a little while longer.
So I will. No matter what the consequence.
Tuesday, December 13, 2016
ICE
Let me just get this out of my system, first and foremost.
I. Cannot. Fuckin. Believe. This. Year. Is. Almost. Over.
Yes, that needs to be spaced out in an obnoxious way.
Yes, it is necessary to pause at every word.
I've been attempting to make an entry every single time for the past three months, trying to express just how.................. sad I am this year happened.
2017 does not at all seem any more promising. If anything, it appears as many things are disappearing the second this year ends. I hope I'm wrong about a few. I know I'm not for others.
As Christmas approaches, I realize how much everything has changed.
365 days make a lifetime of change.
Maybe, maybe, maybe, something is coming next year that I needed to prepare for so all these things happened for a reason.
Maybe they were just meant to happen. I'm a firm believe of determinism after all.
Or maybe life is just meant to be this shitty for someone who never sees the upside of anything.
In regardless, the second this year is over, it'll take with it many things.
My sanity included.
It's almost Christmas.
It's almost time.
I. Cannot. Fuckin. Believe. This. Year. Is. Almost. Over.
Yes, that needs to be spaced out in an obnoxious way.
Yes, it is necessary to pause at every word.
I've been attempting to make an entry every single time for the past three months, trying to express just how.................. sad I am this year happened.
2017 does not at all seem any more promising. If anything, it appears as many things are disappearing the second this year ends. I hope I'm wrong about a few. I know I'm not for others.
As Christmas approaches, I realize how much everything has changed.
365 days make a lifetime of change.
Maybe, maybe, maybe, something is coming next year that I needed to prepare for so all these things happened for a reason.
Maybe they were just meant to happen. I'm a firm believe of determinism after all.
Or maybe life is just meant to be this shitty for someone who never sees the upside of anything.
In regardless, the second this year is over, it'll take with it many things.
My sanity included.
It's almost Christmas.
It's almost time.
Wednesday, November 9, 2016
End.
When I started this blog in January, I had these big hopes for this year. I have a similar entry with a similar intro sentence to this one, actually, a few months later, realizing how shitty it had become midway.
But I don't think I was ever mentally prepared enough to get to the point where I'm in at this very moment.
It's November, and with one month to go before the end of this year, 2016 has reached the top of my list as the worst year of my life. And that, my friends, is not an understatement.
I've never thought I'd experience hell in a bigger magnitude than 2008. Once again, I was proven wrong in that test. I guess life decided to challenge itself and see if it could top my first worst year of life. This year makes the other one seem like childs play.
I want to believe I'll be mentally strong enough to endure what's coming.
Tonight, a fucker who is not qualified to make government decisions has won office and so he holds my future at the bottom of his disgusting feet. We all know what's coming, at least the people in my situation anyway.
This is the end of many things.
There's a long post that I need to make in regards to my grandmother, but I will save it for another time.
For today, I will question nothing anymore. I will no longer wonder why or how we reached this stage.
All I hope is that I can have true peace one day. Maybe soon.
But I don't think I was ever mentally prepared enough to get to the point where I'm in at this very moment.
It's November, and with one month to go before the end of this year, 2016 has reached the top of my list as the worst year of my life. And that, my friends, is not an understatement.
I've never thought I'd experience hell in a bigger magnitude than 2008. Once again, I was proven wrong in that test. I guess life decided to challenge itself and see if it could top my first worst year of life. This year makes the other one seem like childs play.
I want to believe I'll be mentally strong enough to endure what's coming.
Tonight, a fucker who is not qualified to make government decisions has won office and so he holds my future at the bottom of his disgusting feet. We all know what's coming, at least the people in my situation anyway.
This is the end of many things.
There's a long post that I need to make in regards to my grandmother, but I will save it for another time.
For today, I will question nothing anymore. I will no longer wonder why or how we reached this stage.
All I hope is that I can have true peace one day. Maybe soon.
Tuesday, November 1, 2016
Wild.
I've not entirely neglected my blog.
There's just been alot of things going on lately that for some reason, it was very difficult to summarize.
Summarize and, admittedly, recall.
Even so, today is November 1st, and with a new month, like every other month comes an unexpected twist, Some of which I would be very happy about, others a bit more................. meh.
All in all it's been sort of difficult. I got into a bit of an awkward moment with a friend, my grandmas in the hospital, I heard Superman passed by my job..................... I've had no time to just sit and relax. I'm struggling financially, AGAIN.
Sigh.
It's very difficult.
But I"m trying. So I hope that's enough for now.
My entire time and consolation through out was me playing Mystic Messenger (WHICH IS AMAZINGLY FUN BTW, I AM IN LOVE WITH THAT STUPID RED HEADED ADORABLE JERK AND HIS OTHER HALF) so I guess I should be happy about that much. He's my muse, and I mean that because drawing him has been alot of fun. I keep drawing him whenever I get a new idea. I have a feeling I never will stop because I'm basically in love with this 2D child. Halp me.
But now that it's over and I finished the whole story, I don't know what else to do to fill my time.
I don't know if i should be concerned but for now, I'll just try and get some rest lol that in itself was very tiring so I guess I get to sleep again.
Tomorrow is another eventful day so I should probably sleep.
Here's hoping tomorrow goes as planned.
Toodles~
There's just been alot of things going on lately that for some reason, it was very difficult to summarize.
Summarize and, admittedly, recall.
Even so, today is November 1st, and with a new month, like every other month comes an unexpected twist, Some of which I would be very happy about, others a bit more................. meh.
All in all it's been sort of difficult. I got into a bit of an awkward moment with a friend, my grandmas in the hospital, I heard Superman passed by my job..................... I've had no time to just sit and relax. I'm struggling financially, AGAIN.
Sigh.
It's very difficult.
But I"m trying. So I hope that's enough for now.
My entire time and consolation through out was me playing Mystic Messenger (WHICH IS AMAZINGLY FUN BTW, I AM IN LOVE WITH THAT STUPID RED HEADED ADORABLE JERK AND HIS OTHER HALF) so I guess I should be happy about that much. He's my muse, and I mean that because drawing him has been alot of fun. I keep drawing him whenever I get a new idea. I have a feeling I never will stop because I'm basically in love with this 2D child. Halp me.
But now that it's over and I finished the whole story, I don't know what else to do to fill my time.
I don't know if i should be concerned but for now, I'll just try and get some rest lol that in itself was very tiring so I guess I get to sleep again.
Tomorrow is another eventful day so I should probably sleep.
Here's hoping tomorrow goes as planned.
Toodles~
Thursday, October 6, 2016
Overdose.
I haven't had alot of time to breathe lately with so much going on around.
Also, there's the fact I haven't felt like updating. There's sometimes that I let myself forget that I'm trying to make progress and expressing myself and what I feel, and instead go back to doing the same thing I've been doing forever: Holding it everything inside like I can take it all.
Here's a bit of things that have been going on.
- My house has become host to not one, not two but three types of animals, with only my bun being welcomed................. There's a terrible feeling of having not only mice, BUT ALSO A HUGE UNKNOWN LIZARD running around my house, unattended, unashamed of it, not caring that because of it's awful presence, I'm obligated to sleep on my couch, away from the walls in fear it will crawl on my face or bed with me T_________________T............................
-Worked a wonderful 11 hour shift this week.
-Oh yes I haven't slept. Not more than 3 hours anyway.
-Stress stress stress....
-Oh yes have I said Stress yet?
-My grandma was unfortunately hospitalized for being on the verge of a heart attack. I was at work, in my 11 hour shift too, when I found out. So much stress ya'll. She's fine. She's ok but I'll always worry.
-I feel like I'll never have the freedom to rest.................
-My only escape has been playing Mystic Messenger and that in itself is bad because 1. It's super time consuming and 2. It makes me neglect other things, and that includes sleep. The things I do for these virtual boys.......................
-But I love Seven.
-And Zen.
-Fuckin assholes.
-I'm even writing a fic. I know I said I didn't know how I'd survive without ML until it's new season in May (
-I realized I've watched Parks and Rec like.................. 14 times over. I'll never get sick of this show. Even though the end sucks........
-I had an Opthamologist appointment today and I once again was reminded that I need glasses ahhhhh hahaha................................. yay more expenses.
-I hate my life. And myself. And everything.
-......... Ok but have I mentioned that I'm stressed and tired?
I think I'll just cut it short here. I know I had a purpose to post but nooooppppeeee that's not happening. I keep taking back my words. Sigh.
Toodles.
Also, there's the fact I haven't felt like updating. There's sometimes that I let myself forget that I'm trying to make progress and expressing myself and what I feel, and instead go back to doing the same thing I've been doing forever: Holding it everything inside like I can take it all.
Here's a bit of things that have been going on.
- My house has become host to not one, not two but three types of animals, with only my bun being welcomed................. There's a terrible feeling of having not only mice, BUT ALSO A HUGE UNKNOWN LIZARD running around my house, unattended, unashamed of it, not caring that because of it's awful presence, I'm obligated to sleep on my couch, away from the walls in fear it will crawl on my face or bed with me T_________________T............................
-Worked a wonderful 11 hour shift this week.
-Oh yes I haven't slept. Not more than 3 hours anyway.
-Stress stress stress....
-Oh yes have I said Stress yet?
-My grandma was unfortunately hospitalized for being on the verge of a heart attack. I was at work, in my 11 hour shift too, when I found out. So much stress ya'll. She's fine. She's ok but I'll always worry.
-I feel like I'll never have the freedom to rest.................
-My only escape has been playing Mystic Messenger and that in itself is bad because 1. It's super time consuming and 2. It makes me neglect other things, and that includes sleep. The things I do for these virtual boys.......................
-But I love Seven.
-And Zen.
-Fuckin assholes.
-I'm even writing a fic. I know I said I didn't know how I'd survive without ML until it's new season in May (
-I realized I've watched Parks and Rec like.................. 14 times over. I'll never get sick of this show. Even though the end sucks........
-I had an Opthamologist appointment today and I once again was reminded that I need glasses ahhhhh hahaha................................. yay more expenses.
-I hate my life. And myself. And everything.
-......... Ok but have I mentioned that I'm stressed and tired?
I think I'll just cut it short here. I know I had a purpose to post but nooooppppeeee that's not happening. I keep taking back my words. Sigh.
Toodles.
Friday, September 9, 2016
Loser.
The past couple of weeks have been............ unproductive to say the very least.
I have gone through my days, and also my money, in the same way that I think I told myself I wouldn't let happen: In complete and utter waste.
I'm broker and more bored than I have been in years.
Maybe it's becoming painfully obvious that I'm unable to deal with the situations around me to the point I'm letting myself come across the familiar. The one that constantly tells me at every hour of the day that "This is as good as it's going to get."
Even so, I have done a few things that I think I'm either gonna love or regret later. Including the therapy sessions with my now one month long therapist, who is very, very sweet and very understanding, a bit more than even my previous therapist, who was also very nice.
THE VALUE OF TIME
Alot of the time, I tell myself that I shouldn't worry about things that haven't happened yet. I tell myself not to stress. I tell myself that there are things in this world that aren't worth worrying about, you know, basic thoughts to prevent yourself from being overwhelmed. But to my misfortune, I've been cursed with the inability to relax in the face of stress. When something happens, the first thing I tell myself, or more like, my brain tells me, is "Ugh. How long will this last?"
I always put a time to when things should or I expect for them to happen.
But there are times when that's not such a bad idea. It lets you stop yourself at a certain moment to wait. To let yourself wait for the proper time to execute things. To see a plan fulfilled properly, to see something end and start something different without overlapping and overwhelming yourself. There's always two sides to the use of time.
On the one hand you have the amount of time you will have something in your life. Nothing is forever, so there are lots of things we take for granted at the moment, like our parents, our family, youth, jobs, friendships, circumstances, relationships, etc. Something here today will be gone tomorrow for sure. We will grow old and we will see tiny children, if we're lucky enough to survive, grow up to be adults, good or bad. We will see the best person turned into the worse and vice versa. We will see ourselves as complete strangers with people who we used to talk to 24/7. We will see the end of eras, things, fashion, technology. There's so much we will see end.
And with something ending, something new will come to take it's place. Maybe not in it's entirety new, but new enough. New to our own lives. We might see non-believers who never thought they'd find love in relationships, or even marriage. We might be re-united with old friends, friends you haven't seen in 10-15 give or take. We will see the end of something really cool but been brought back in the future as something new, something retro, something modified. We might see dead dreams return, the possibility opening. Hell, we might even see old doors that once were closed be opened, and with a new life, a new attitude towards walking through them. We will never know, nothing is as predictable as it seems.
I've spent so much of my life observing time, watching the clock tick, watching it dictate every single second and hating it. Alot of people don't know that about me. I absolutely despise time.
But sometimes, time isn't too bad.
This week, I declare it to be my last lazy week.
Yes, I say that every week but I feel like I finally have some motivation to do something I've been wanting to do for a while.
Here's a few random things for the week:
-So the new season of Miraculous Ladybug is coming out in May. May 2017. What the hell am I supposed to do with my life until then????????????????????????????
-Recently, I made a drawing, and I thought the drawing was pretty ok. So I bought a sketchbook and I bought it with full intention of drawing and practicing, but the more I think about it, the lazier I get. I really need to stop doing that. OTL I have a bunch of fuckin sketchbooks that are nearly empty because once in a blue moon, I get the urge to draw OTL.......
-THE iPHONE 7 WILL BE OUT SOON. I have the terrifying dilemma of either buying a new computer to resume my PS addiction, OR buying the iPhone 7 Plus, because as much as I love my phone, I will always regret I didn't get the plus OTL................. The screen is too small for me OTL
-You are what you eat and I am basically garbage. Why is everything delicious so fattening? OTL
-We haven't gotten the bill for my mom but I'm assuming it's $400 for just a sample of blood. 1. Just 1. 1, guys. O-N-E.
-I'm obsessed with OH MY GIRL's Windy Day. Why. Why do I always like songs that are done promoting OTL..........
-Also I'm obsessed with Ariana Grande's Into You. It's great. Go listen.
-I started watching Once Upon a time again, right where I left off and I'm glad to realize I not only still like it but also remember the plot even though it's been months LOL OTL
-OTL OTL OTL OTL I'm a bit of applying for another credit card BUTTTTTTTTTT my brother got angry I got credit at a store where the interest is pretty high. OTL I'm awful with numbers..........
-I know I should start planning on applying for Spring semester at PCC BUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT i'm too concerned in saving for tax season next year because my boss is a jerk. Yay. Yayyy..................
-I should probably make that fall bucketlist but for some awful terrifying reason I have not. Why. Why.
-Random fact: In an attempt to beat out the awful blues I had when I had to post-pone once again going to school, I have used my lovely thin-liner from Tarte every day, mascara and lip tint. I've always told myself to wait until I feel like I "look" better to "dress up" but since this Time thing has been in my head, I'm just gonna say fuck it and wear my wings regularly again. Why the fuck not?
I'm tired of waiting for the right time to come along.
So from now on, I'll just do whatever the fuck I want.
Slowly cuz.... no confidence, but fuck it.
Toodles~
I have gone through my days, and also my money, in the same way that I think I told myself I wouldn't let happen: In complete and utter waste.
I'm broker and more bored than I have been in years.
Maybe it's becoming painfully obvious that I'm unable to deal with the situations around me to the point I'm letting myself come across the familiar. The one that constantly tells me at every hour of the day that "This is as good as it's going to get."
Even so, I have done a few things that I think I'm either gonna love or regret later. Including the therapy sessions with my now one month long therapist, who is very, very sweet and very understanding, a bit more than even my previous therapist, who was also very nice.
THE VALUE OF TIME
Alot of the time, I tell myself that I shouldn't worry about things that haven't happened yet. I tell myself not to stress. I tell myself that there are things in this world that aren't worth worrying about, you know, basic thoughts to prevent yourself from being overwhelmed. But to my misfortune, I've been cursed with the inability to relax in the face of stress. When something happens, the first thing I tell myself, or more like, my brain tells me, is "Ugh. How long will this last?"
I always put a time to when things should or I expect for them to happen.
But there are times when that's not such a bad idea. It lets you stop yourself at a certain moment to wait. To let yourself wait for the proper time to execute things. To see a plan fulfilled properly, to see something end and start something different without overlapping and overwhelming yourself. There's always two sides to the use of time.
On the one hand you have the amount of time you will have something in your life. Nothing is forever, so there are lots of things we take for granted at the moment, like our parents, our family, youth, jobs, friendships, circumstances, relationships, etc. Something here today will be gone tomorrow for sure. We will grow old and we will see tiny children, if we're lucky enough to survive, grow up to be adults, good or bad. We will see the best person turned into the worse and vice versa. We will see ourselves as complete strangers with people who we used to talk to 24/7. We will see the end of eras, things, fashion, technology. There's so much we will see end.
And with something ending, something new will come to take it's place. Maybe not in it's entirety new, but new enough. New to our own lives. We might see non-believers who never thought they'd find love in relationships, or even marriage. We might be re-united with old friends, friends you haven't seen in 10-15 give or take. We will see the end of something really cool but been brought back in the future as something new, something retro, something modified. We might see dead dreams return, the possibility opening. Hell, we might even see old doors that once were closed be opened, and with a new life, a new attitude towards walking through them. We will never know, nothing is as predictable as it seems.
I've spent so much of my life observing time, watching the clock tick, watching it dictate every single second and hating it. Alot of people don't know that about me. I absolutely despise time.
But sometimes, time isn't too bad.
This week, I declare it to be my last lazy week.
Yes, I say that every week but I feel like I finally have some motivation to do something I've been wanting to do for a while.
Here's a few random things for the week:
-So the new season of Miraculous Ladybug is coming out in May. May 2017. What the hell am I supposed to do with my life until then????????????????????????????
-Recently, I made a drawing, and I thought the drawing was pretty ok. So I bought a sketchbook and I bought it with full intention of drawing and practicing, but the more I think about it, the lazier I get. I really need to stop doing that. OTL I have a bunch of fuckin sketchbooks that are nearly empty because once in a blue moon, I get the urge to draw OTL.......
-THE iPHONE 7 WILL BE OUT SOON. I have the terrifying dilemma of either buying a new computer to resume my PS addiction, OR buying the iPhone 7 Plus, because as much as I love my phone, I will always regret I didn't get the plus OTL................. The screen is too small for me OTL
-You are what you eat and I am basically garbage. Why is everything delicious so fattening? OTL
-We haven't gotten the bill for my mom but I'm assuming it's $400 for just a sample of blood. 1. Just 1. 1, guys. O-N-E.
-I'm obsessed with OH MY GIRL's Windy Day. Why. Why do I always like songs that are done promoting OTL..........
-Also I'm obsessed with Ariana Grande's Into You. It's great. Go listen.
-I started watching Once Upon a time again, right where I left off and I'm glad to realize I not only still like it but also remember the plot even though it's been months LOL OTL
-OTL OTL OTL OTL I'm a bit of applying for another credit card BUTTTTTTTTTT my brother got angry I got credit at a store where the interest is pretty high. OTL I'm awful with numbers..........
-I know I should start planning on applying for Spring semester at PCC BUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT i'm too concerned in saving for tax season next year because my boss is a jerk. Yay. Yayyy..................
-I should probably make that fall bucketlist but for some awful terrifying reason I have not. Why. Why.
-Random fact: In an attempt to beat out the awful blues I had when I had to post-pone once again going to school, I have used my lovely thin-liner from Tarte every day, mascara and lip tint. I've always told myself to wait until I feel like I "look" better to "dress up" but since this Time thing has been in my head, I'm just gonna say fuck it and wear my wings regularly again. Why the fuck not?
I'm tired of waiting for the right time to come along.
So from now on, I'll just do whatever the fuck I want.
Slowly cuz.... no confidence, but fuck it.
Toodles~
Friday, August 26, 2016
FALLING
For the past couple of weeks, though I've been lamenting not being able to attend school like I had planned, I have found myself undoubtedly excited for fall to arrive.
For those who don't know me, this is my favorite time of the year. Fall has always symbolized the beginning of the end. I know that sounds grim and exactly like something I would say but by that I mean fall is when the year itself is reminding us that it'll all be over soon, so instead of sending off melancholic memories of the past Spring and Summer, it's when the world itself restarts a new. School starts again, people begin college if they're going, children in primary, middle, high school lament summer vacation is ending but always starting a brand new year, jobs refresh and plans begin for the upcoming holidays in the next few months. Not to mention, fashion changes, what with the September issue of every magazine making it's thick and heavy appearance.
I adore fall. I adore everything that comes with it. I love cold mornings and cloudy days. I adore the slow down at work, hot tea and cold weather. I look forward to the upcoming holidays, Halloween, Thanksgiving, The Day of the Dead and All saints day. It's just always been a favorite of mine. Though holidays have always been disappointing, they're still nice, ultimately because we're still together. My family and I are loner types, our holidays spent in solitude but otherwise happy and comfortable.
So for the time, I really wish I could do something different this year to perk up my spirits. Excited as I am for fall like always, I feel the numbness from the past couple of months. I hope my next post has the Fall Phobia bucketlist I keep meaning to write but forget amidst all the chaos.
In the meantime, I have a decision to make regarding a second job I should take. Time will tell. Time will tell....
HERE'S A SURVEY.
RANDOM SURVEY
DO YOU SNORE?
Yes I think O_O I think my family has said I snore, not loudly, but loud enough they know I do. Which is ah...hahaha.....
LOVER OR A FIGHTER?
I guess lover. Meh. I'm bad at fights...
WHAT'S YOUR WORST FEAR?
THAT'S A HARD QUESTION I DON'T KNOW HOW TO ANSWER.
I've got so many fears, it's hard to pick just one ROFL....
AS A KID, WERE YOU A LEGO BUILDER?
Nope D: I didn't have a childhood apparently jfldk;sjalfs d
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF "REALITY TV"?
I think it's meh and obviously not reality. Let's be real here, everything is planned.
DO YOU CHEW ON YOUR STRAWS?
Nope that's annoying AF O_O
WERE YOU A CUTE BABY?
I don't know O_O I don't think so rofl
HOW IS THE SINGLE LIFE FOR YOU?
It's great, thanks for asking, survey xD
WHAT COLOR IS YOUR KEYBOARD?
Black. Like my soul.
DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER?
Yes O_O Not outloud but sort of. Unless I actually play music, in which case, an entire performance happens.
HAVE YOU EVER BUNGEE JUMPED?
NO BUT I WANNAAAAAA
ANY SECRET TALENTS?
Not that I know of. If I have any, they're secret even to me ROFL...
WHAT'S YOUR IDEAL VACATION SPOT?
Anywhere but here.
HAVE YOU EATEN SUSHI?
Yes, and I love it.
HAVE YOU SEEN THE MOVIE "DONNIE DARKO"?
No. Should I....?
DO YOU GIVE A DARN ABOUT THE OZONE?
Yes :/ We should probably care about these things if we want to continue living.
HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO GET TO THE CENTER OF A TOOTSIE POP?
I don't know honestly. I don't like candy/sweets that much.
CAN YOU SING THE ALPHABET BACKWARDS?
No x___x not even gonna try *lazy*
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON AN AIRPLANE?
Yeah~ Just once lol
ARE SPEEDO'S HOT?
No?
?????
WHAT'S YOUR STAND ON HUNTING?
They need to stop doing that bullshit.
IS MARRIAGE IN YOUR FUTURE?
Hell no LOL....
DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
No Dx I write like I'm being rushed even when I write slowly.
WHAT ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO?
Cheap jewelry....
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAID, "I LOVE YOU"
I'm not sure @_@
IS TUPAC STILL ALIVE?
You tell me. Is he? O_O
DO YOU CRY AT WEDDINGS?
Nah.
HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS?
Scrambled, no salt, lots of pepper.
ARE BLONDES DUMB?
?????????????? Don't know how hair color makes someone dumb. Being dumb doesn't discriminate hair colors LOL...
WHERE DOES THE OTHER SOCK END UP?
what.
WHAT TIME IS IT?
9:52 pm
DO YOU HAVE A NICKNAME?
A few.
IS MCDONALD'S DISGUSTING?
YES.
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE IN A CAR?
Yesterday.
DO YOU PREFER BATHS OR SHOWERS?
Both.
IS SANTA CLAUSE REAL?
No, but don't let kids know that. Seriously.
ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK?
Depends. You know how sometimes your mind can create things that aren't there? Yeah the dark doesn't help.....
WHAT ARE YOU ADDICTED TO?
Iced black tea, Marichat, thin eyeliners.
CRUNCHY OR CREAMY PEANUT BUTTER?
Both.
HAVE YOU EVER RIDDEN IN AN AMBULANCE?
Yeah.........................................
HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BRUSHED YOUR TEETH TODAY?
Twice @_@
IS DRUG FREE THE WAY TO BE?
Drug Free is the only way to be.
ARE YOU WEARING SOCKS?
Yes~
HAVE YOU EVER HITCH HIKED?
Good god no O_O
WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR EYES?
Brown.
WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
The better question is when have I not rofl....
DO YOU LIKE YOUR LIFE?
Previous question and answer tells you that answer.
WHOSE LIFE IS BETTER?
You can't compare lives. Everyone has a different struggle.
Though Nana from afterschool....... Wouldn't complain tbh.
ARE YOU PSYCHIC?
If I were I'd have predicted this stupid question....
HAVE YOU READ "CATCHER IN THE RYE"?
No, but I've heard of it and to a certain point know how it goes. Eek.
DO YOU PLAY ANY INSTRUMENTS?
A bit.
CAN YOU SKATEBOARD?
Nope.
DO YOU LIKE CAMPING?
Never been Dx
DO U SNORT WHEN U LAUGH?
Sometimes if it's so fuckin hilarious I literally have ROFL but otherwise no.
DO YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC?
I guess in a way I kinda do. But then again it might just be wishful thinking to something that I know is impossible that I try to tell myself might not be as impossible as it seems.
IS A DOG A MAN'S BEST FRIEND?
Sure thing.
YOU BELIEVE IN DIVORCE?
??????????????????????It happens all the time, kinda have to take that into it existing as a thing LOL
CAN YOU DO THE MOONWALK?
I can't even regular walk bro.
DOES YOUR MOM KNOW YOU HAVE A MYSPACE?
....................................... Ok but how old is this survey.
WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
Shin Ramyun cup, a bag of Doritos and a plain black tea with ice. Diet, be damned!
DO YOU WEAR NAILPOLISH?
When I'm not lazy, yes.
DO YOU LIKE SOMEONE RIGHT NOW?
I'M NOT GONNA ANSWER THESE ANYMORE.
WHAT'S THE MOST ANNOYING TV COMMERCIAL?
I don't watch enough TV to judge right now @_@
DO YOU SHOP AT AMERICAN EAGLE?
No.
FAVORITE BAND AT THE MOMENT?
U-KISS 4 LYFE.
In desperate need of some actual rest. Just got back from old town with the goodies of a new BELIEF face cleaner, which I swear by, a TARTE super fine liner (Because you need those sharp tiny wings) and a Smashbox water primer (just cuz it was cheap). At some point, I do have to start taking pics. But first, I need a new PC OTL and for that I need more moollah... so I need another job and ----
ANYWAY.
I have to let the bun run right now. And another looooooooooooong day awaits tomorrow.
Toodles~
For those who don't know me, this is my favorite time of the year. Fall has always symbolized the beginning of the end. I know that sounds grim and exactly like something I would say but by that I mean fall is when the year itself is reminding us that it'll all be over soon, so instead of sending off melancholic memories of the past Spring and Summer, it's when the world itself restarts a new. School starts again, people begin college if they're going, children in primary, middle, high school lament summer vacation is ending but always starting a brand new year, jobs refresh and plans begin for the upcoming holidays in the next few months. Not to mention, fashion changes, what with the September issue of every magazine making it's thick and heavy appearance.
I adore fall. I adore everything that comes with it. I love cold mornings and cloudy days. I adore the slow down at work, hot tea and cold weather. I look forward to the upcoming holidays, Halloween, Thanksgiving, The Day of the Dead and All saints day. It's just always been a favorite of mine. Though holidays have always been disappointing, they're still nice, ultimately because we're still together. My family and I are loner types, our holidays spent in solitude but otherwise happy and comfortable.
So for the time, I really wish I could do something different this year to perk up my spirits. Excited as I am for fall like always, I feel the numbness from the past couple of months. I hope my next post has the Fall Phobia bucketlist I keep meaning to write but forget amidst all the chaos.
In the meantime, I have a decision to make regarding a second job I should take. Time will tell. Time will tell....
HERE'S A SURVEY.
RANDOM SURVEY
DO YOU SNORE?
Yes I think O_O I think my family has said I snore, not loudly, but loud enough they know I do. Which is ah...hahaha.....
LOVER OR A FIGHTER?
I guess lover. Meh. I'm bad at fights...
WHAT'S YOUR WORST FEAR?
THAT'S A HARD QUESTION I DON'T KNOW HOW TO ANSWER.
I've got so many fears, it's hard to pick just one ROFL....
AS A KID, WERE YOU A LEGO BUILDER?
Nope D: I didn't have a childhood apparently jfldk;sjalfs d
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF "REALITY TV"?
I think it's meh and obviously not reality. Let's be real here, everything is planned.
DO YOU CHEW ON YOUR STRAWS?
Nope that's annoying AF O_O
WERE YOU A CUTE BABY?
I don't know O_O I don't think so rofl
HOW IS THE SINGLE LIFE FOR YOU?
It's great, thanks for asking, survey xD
WHAT COLOR IS YOUR KEYBOARD?
Black. Like my soul.
DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER?
Yes O_O Not outloud but sort of. Unless I actually play music, in which case, an entire performance happens.
HAVE YOU EVER BUNGEE JUMPED?
NO BUT I WANNAAAAAA
ANY SECRET TALENTS?
Not that I know of. If I have any, they're secret even to me ROFL...
WHAT'S YOUR IDEAL VACATION SPOT?
Anywhere but here.
HAVE YOU EATEN SUSHI?
Yes, and I love it.
HAVE YOU SEEN THE MOVIE "DONNIE DARKO"?
No. Should I....?
DO YOU GIVE A DARN ABOUT THE OZONE?
Yes :/ We should probably care about these things if we want to continue living.
HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO GET TO THE CENTER OF A TOOTSIE POP?
I don't know honestly. I don't like candy/sweets that much.
CAN YOU SING THE ALPHABET BACKWARDS?
No x___x not even gonna try *lazy*
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON AN AIRPLANE?
Yeah~ Just once lol
ARE SPEEDO'S HOT?
No?
?????
WHAT'S YOUR STAND ON HUNTING?
They need to stop doing that bullshit.
IS MARRIAGE IN YOUR FUTURE?
Hell no LOL....
DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
No Dx I write like I'm being rushed even when I write slowly.
WHAT ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO?
Cheap jewelry....
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAID, "I LOVE YOU"
I'm not sure @_@
IS TUPAC STILL ALIVE?
You tell me. Is he? O_O
DO YOU CRY AT WEDDINGS?
Nah.
HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS?
Scrambled, no salt, lots of pepper.
ARE BLONDES DUMB?
?????????????? Don't know how hair color makes someone dumb. Being dumb doesn't discriminate hair colors LOL...
WHERE DOES THE OTHER SOCK END UP?
what.
WHAT TIME IS IT?
9:52 pm
DO YOU HAVE A NICKNAME?
A few.
IS MCDONALD'S DISGUSTING?
YES.
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE IN A CAR?
Yesterday.
DO YOU PREFER BATHS OR SHOWERS?
Both.
IS SANTA CLAUSE REAL?
No, but don't let kids know that. Seriously.
ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK?
Depends. You know how sometimes your mind can create things that aren't there? Yeah the dark doesn't help.....
WHAT ARE YOU ADDICTED TO?
Iced black tea, Marichat, thin eyeliners.
CRUNCHY OR CREAMY PEANUT BUTTER?
Both.
HAVE YOU EVER RIDDEN IN AN AMBULANCE?
Yeah.........................................
HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BRUSHED YOUR TEETH TODAY?
Twice @_@
IS DRUG FREE THE WAY TO BE?
Drug Free is the only way to be.
ARE YOU WEARING SOCKS?
Yes~
HAVE YOU EVER HITCH HIKED?
Good god no O_O
WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR EYES?
Brown.
WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
The better question is when have I not rofl....
DO YOU LIKE YOUR LIFE?
Previous question and answer tells you that answer.
WHOSE LIFE IS BETTER?
You can't compare lives. Everyone has a different struggle.
Though Nana from afterschool....... Wouldn't complain tbh.
ARE YOU PSYCHIC?
If I were I'd have predicted this stupid question....
HAVE YOU READ "CATCHER IN THE RYE"?
No, but I've heard of it and to a certain point know how it goes. Eek.
DO YOU PLAY ANY INSTRUMENTS?
A bit.
CAN YOU SKATEBOARD?
Nope.
DO YOU LIKE CAMPING?
Never been Dx
DO U SNORT WHEN U LAUGH?
Sometimes if it's so fuckin hilarious I literally have ROFL but otherwise no.
DO YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC?
I guess in a way I kinda do. But then again it might just be wishful thinking to something that I know is impossible that I try to tell myself might not be as impossible as it seems.
IS A DOG A MAN'S BEST FRIEND?
Sure thing.
YOU BELIEVE IN DIVORCE?
??????????????????????It happens all the time, kinda have to take that into it existing as a thing LOL
CAN YOU DO THE MOONWALK?
I can't even regular walk bro.
DOES YOUR MOM KNOW YOU HAVE A MYSPACE?
....................................... Ok but how old is this survey.
WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
Shin Ramyun cup, a bag of Doritos and a plain black tea with ice. Diet, be damned!
DO YOU WEAR NAILPOLISH?
When I'm not lazy, yes.
DO YOU LIKE SOMEONE RIGHT NOW?
I'M NOT GONNA ANSWER THESE ANYMORE.
WHAT'S THE MOST ANNOYING TV COMMERCIAL?
I don't watch enough TV to judge right now @_@
DO YOU SHOP AT AMERICAN EAGLE?
No.
FAVORITE BAND AT THE MOMENT?
U-KISS 4 LYFE.
In desperate need of some actual rest. Just got back from old town with the goodies of a new BELIEF face cleaner, which I swear by, a TARTE super fine liner (Because you need those sharp tiny wings) and a Smashbox water primer (just cuz it was cheap). At some point, I do have to start taking pics. But first, I need a new PC OTL and for that I need more moollah... so I need another job and ----
ANYWAY.
I have to let the bun run right now. And another looooooooooooong day awaits tomorrow.
Toodles~
Sunday, August 21, 2016
Inevitable
At the very pit of my stomach, I feel the claws of that boredom I always speak of.
The past couple of weeks have been, though eventful, really dull.
I feel myself succumbing into that numbing feeling like time is repeating itself once again. It always seems to happen when I reach the peak of a phase. In this case, Miraculous Ladybug. I'm at the point where I've seen it so many times, it's not nearly as entertaining anymore.
There's also the fact that I have nothing to look forward to again for the next couple of months. It's a disastrous year as it is, even if there's still some months left.
The only consolation I give myself is that it's almost the end of summer. I've always disliked summer and everything it brings. I dislike heat, I dislike the wave of clients at the store, I dislike the way people behave with the heat as well. It's almost as if it prick us all into the worse of moods, especially in California where the weather constantly stays over the 90 F mark. Then again, I shouldn't complain as much because honestly I love California, and especially my city. I adore everything about it, which is why I suck it up entirely.
All in all, I feel like I should make a Fall bucketlist of phobias and goals. I didn't complete my summer bucklist of phobias entirely, but I did a few of the most major ones anyway and that in itself is an accomplishment.
For now, here's yet another random Survey. I'm almost too bored to do it but I have only 1/2 hour to kill today at all so.
45 RANDOM THINGS SURVEY
Whats your name spelled backwards?
AMLA?
What did you do last night?
I went on an epic journey to find the Miraculous Yo-Yo phone compact (I'm a grown ass adult at toys r us looking for a childrens toy, but IDGAF, I make my money so I can buy whatever I want >:(!!) Successful btw. (The struggle was real since Coldplay was having a concert and there was so much traffic...)
The last thing you downloaded onto your computer?
I actually haven't downloaded anything really since I'm actually only ever on tablet mode rofl OTL
Have you ever licked a 9 volt battery?
Yes........? I think? IDK The memory is vague but it's there so I guess so....?
Last time you swam in a pool?
557,999 years ago.............
What are you wearing?
Jeans, a CK black shirt, adidas shoes. Yay for work attire....
How many cars have you owned?
NONE. ZERO. I FAIL AT ADULTING CUZ I CAN'T DRIVE.
Type of music you dislike most?
None really. I'll listen to anything I like in any genre and language lol
Are you registered to vote?
Nope.
Do you have cable?
Crappy, but yes.
What kind of computer do you use?
I have a SUPER old SONY VAOI, both desktop and laptop.
Ever made a prank phone call?
Yes. Funny story about that, ha ha..., i was prank calling this guy from my class at a friends house and his phone number had 911 in it so I think I might've accidentally dialed 911 (I was like 12 ok don't judge me) and the cops showed up at her place just to be sure everything was alright. But her uncle was in the posession of Marijuana and he was arrested and IT WAS MY FAULT.............. I'm not sure if this is my proudest or awfulest moment.
You like anyone right now?
Sigh. No. I mean yes but they're not there anymore for me to like them so OTL. I AM, HOWEVER, ALWAYS IN LOVE WITH SOO SO YES. ALSO YES. ALL THE YES.
Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving?
Yes. Both. OuO
Furthest place you ever traveled?
Vegas OTL I don't leave Cali at all man. Why would I?
What's your favorite comic strip?
Mhm... Not sure. I don't think I have one honestly O_O
Do u know all the words to the national anthem?
Yes. And the Pledge of Allegience as well.
Shower, morning or night?
Shower at night. You go to bed clean and wake up clean.
Best movie you've seen in the past month?
Madoka Magica Rebellion O_O
Favorite pizza toppings?
Pepperoni, pineapple, mushroom and peppers~
Chips or popcorn?
Chips. Who am I kidding.
What cell phone provider do you have?
I have Sprint.
Have you ever smoked peanut shells?
.................. what? Is this a young people thing...?
Have you ever been in a beauty pageant?
Pfffffffffffft Hell no LOL I'd get boo'ed right off the stage!
Orange Juice or apple?
Orange O_O
Who were the last people you sat at lunch with?
My family? I mean..... we don't have group lunch time at work.
Favorite chocolate bar?
Lindt Lindor Milk Chocolate~
Who is your longest friend and how long?
T. T and I have been best friends for 13 years.
Last time you ate a homegrown tomato?
Never :(
Have you ever won a trophy?
I've won things but not a trophy. Awards in paper yes. Do those count...?
Favorite arcade game?
Pac-Man, Marvel vs Capcom, Garou mark of the wolves.
Ever ordered from an infomercial?
Nope~
Sprite or 7-UP?
Sprite.
Have you ever had to wear a uniform to school/work?
I've had to wear uniforms for school. I have to wear a sort of Uniform for work. It's not too bad though.
Last thing you bought at Walgreens?
Popping popcorn.
Ever thrown up in public?
Yes @_@
Would you prefer being a millionaire or finding true love?
Being a Millionaire. True love is a lie.
Do you believe in love at first sight?
Nope. I believe it's all an irrational and shallow attraction to someone who you find attractive and you confuse it for something deeper (Like me with AU.)
SPONGEBOB OR JIMMY NEUTRON?
NEITHER. MIRACULOUS LADYBUGGGGGGGGGGG *tosses compact in the air*
Did you have long hair as a young kid?
I have long hair even now. Forever long haired. (that's also a lie cuz I recently cut it but I always let it grow long)
What message is on your voicemail machine?
Standard.
Where would you like to go right now?
To sleep......................
Whats the name of your pet?
CHAMPURRADO.
What kind of back pack do you have, and what's in it?
I have two. One is a black faux leather standard back pack, and in it right now is all garbage. The other one is the Pink Cardcaptor Sakura winged backpack, and inside it are nothing but bills and hospital papers....
What do you think about most?
I guess existentialism. It's something that I think about every single second of every day, even if I don't want to. It's bothered me for so long that it's become a routine and I guess familiar habit that, though I hate, is always there.
I have work in literally three minutes.
TOODLES, YO.
The past couple of weeks have been, though eventful, really dull.
I feel myself succumbing into that numbing feeling like time is repeating itself once again. It always seems to happen when I reach the peak of a phase. In this case, Miraculous Ladybug. I'm at the point where I've seen it so many times, it's not nearly as entertaining anymore.
There's also the fact that I have nothing to look forward to again for the next couple of months. It's a disastrous year as it is, even if there's still some months left.
The only consolation I give myself is that it's almost the end of summer. I've always disliked summer and everything it brings. I dislike heat, I dislike the wave of clients at the store, I dislike the way people behave with the heat as well. It's almost as if it prick us all into the worse of moods, especially in California where the weather constantly stays over the 90 F mark. Then again, I shouldn't complain as much because honestly I love California, and especially my city. I adore everything about it, which is why I suck it up entirely.
All in all, I feel like I should make a Fall bucketlist of phobias and goals. I didn't complete my summer bucklist of phobias entirely, but I did a few of the most major ones anyway and that in itself is an accomplishment.
For now, here's yet another random Survey. I'm almost too bored to do it but I have only 1/2 hour to kill today at all so.
45 RANDOM THINGS SURVEY
Whats your name spelled backwards?
AMLA?
What did you do last night?
I went on an epic journey to find the Miraculous Yo-Yo phone compact (I'm a grown ass adult at toys r us looking for a childrens toy, but IDGAF, I make my money so I can buy whatever I want >:(!!) Successful btw. (The struggle was real since Coldplay was having a concert and there was so much traffic...)
The last thing you downloaded onto your computer?
I actually haven't downloaded anything really since I'm actually only ever on tablet mode rofl OTL
Have you ever licked a 9 volt battery?
Yes........? I think? IDK The memory is vague but it's there so I guess so....?
Last time you swam in a pool?
557,999 years ago.............
What are you wearing?
Jeans, a CK black shirt, adidas shoes. Yay for work attire....
How many cars have you owned?
NONE. ZERO. I FAIL AT ADULTING CUZ I CAN'T DRIVE.
Type of music you dislike most?
None really. I'll listen to anything I like in any genre and language lol
Are you registered to vote?
Nope.
Do you have cable?
Crappy, but yes.
What kind of computer do you use?
I have a SUPER old SONY VAOI, both desktop and laptop.
Ever made a prank phone call?
Yes. Funny story about that, ha ha..., i was prank calling this guy from my class at a friends house and his phone number had 911 in it so I think I might've accidentally dialed 911 (I was like 12 ok don't judge me) and the cops showed up at her place just to be sure everything was alright. But her uncle was in the posession of Marijuana and he was arrested and IT WAS MY FAULT.............. I'm not sure if this is my proudest or awfulest moment.
You like anyone right now?
Sigh. No. I mean yes but they're not there anymore for me to like them so OTL. I AM, HOWEVER, ALWAYS IN LOVE WITH SOO SO YES. ALSO YES. ALL THE YES.
Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving?
Yes. Both. OuO
Furthest place you ever traveled?
Vegas OTL I don't leave Cali at all man. Why would I?
What's your favorite comic strip?
Mhm... Not sure. I don't think I have one honestly O_O
Do u know all the words to the national anthem?
Yes. And the Pledge of Allegience as well.
Shower, morning or night?
Shower at night. You go to bed clean and wake up clean.
Best movie you've seen in the past month?
Madoka Magica Rebellion O_O
Favorite pizza toppings?
Pepperoni, pineapple, mushroom and peppers~
Chips or popcorn?
Chips. Who am I kidding.
What cell phone provider do you have?
I have Sprint.
Have you ever smoked peanut shells?
.................. what? Is this a young people thing...?
Have you ever been in a beauty pageant?
Pfffffffffffft Hell no LOL I'd get boo'ed right off the stage!
Orange Juice or apple?
Orange O_O
Who were the last people you sat at lunch with?
My family? I mean..... we don't have group lunch time at work.
Favorite chocolate bar?
Lindt Lindor Milk Chocolate~
Who is your longest friend and how long?
T. T and I have been best friends for 13 years.
Last time you ate a homegrown tomato?
Never :(
Have you ever won a trophy?
I've won things but not a trophy. Awards in paper yes. Do those count...?
Favorite arcade game?
Pac-Man, Marvel vs Capcom, Garou mark of the wolves.
Ever ordered from an infomercial?
Nope~
Sprite or 7-UP?
Sprite.
Have you ever had to wear a uniform to school/work?
I've had to wear uniforms for school. I have to wear a sort of Uniform for work. It's not too bad though.
Last thing you bought at Walgreens?
Popping popcorn.
Ever thrown up in public?
Yes @_@
Would you prefer being a millionaire or finding true love?
Being a Millionaire. True love is a lie.
Do you believe in love at first sight?
Nope. I believe it's all an irrational and shallow attraction to someone who you find attractive and you confuse it for something deeper (Like me with AU.)
SPONGEBOB OR JIMMY NEUTRON?
NEITHER. MIRACULOUS LADYBUGGGGGGGGGGG *tosses compact in the air*
Did you have long hair as a young kid?
I have long hair even now. Forever long haired. (that's also a lie cuz I recently cut it but I always let it grow long)
What message is on your voicemail machine?
Standard.
Where would you like to go right now?
To sleep......................
Whats the name of your pet?
CHAMPURRADO.
What kind of back pack do you have, and what's in it?
I have two. One is a black faux leather standard back pack, and in it right now is all garbage. The other one is the Pink Cardcaptor Sakura winged backpack, and inside it are nothing but bills and hospital papers....
What do you think about most?
I guess existentialism. It's something that I think about every single second of every day, even if I don't want to. It's bothered me for so long that it's become a routine and I guess familiar habit that, though I hate, is always there.
I have work in literally three minutes.
TOODLES, YO.
Thursday, August 18, 2016
Hop.
I've been having a hard time writing. I feel no creative juices happening. SO. Instead of doing the pointless job of trying to make a theme to write about like I do when I'm feeling more inspired, I'm just gonna post a survey, like I used to do in my LJ.
But first, here's a few random little things. Not many, just honorary mentions.
-I met my new therapist this week. She's lovely. I'm very much happy with the transfer.
-Attempting to apply at two jobs part time. Please, life or whoever reads this, wish me luck for good things to come.
-I have a terrible swollen gum and I can't eat well. Great.
-Healthy eating is going poorly, but still going Pfffffffft.
-I'm enjoying Elnaz's life way too much RN LOL
-Still miraculous trash, enough so I'm gonna go buy that stupid toy Yo-Yo.
-OTL I really want to buy a new laptop because I'm so tired of seeing the tiny screen on this cute little tablet. I miss full size PC's. And being to load shit. And download shit. And make shit work. And PC shit in general. SIGH.
WITHOUT FURTHER DELAYS NOW,
THE (SEMI)MID YEAR SURVEY.
What Has Been Your Biggest Regret?
So far I think it's been procrastinating my entrance to school OTL OTL I have been saying that I'd go to school for so long that it's lost all meaning to anyone to hear I'm trying to enroll, again.
The One Thing You Are Most Proud Of?
I guess that I finally was able to tell the one person I love that I love him? Even if it ended with rejection, it at least ended nicely.
Single Most Memorable Moment?
Oh I was gonna say there's been nothing eventful but honestly, the birth of my nephew is still the most memorable so far~
The Drink Of This Year?
POWERADE. AND IT WAS, IS AND ALWAYS WILL BE TBH.
Get Any Scars?
Lots. Scratches from the Bun.
Your Favourite Song For This Year?
STALKER. I LOVE STALKER (By U-KISS of course hehe). Though honestly it's hard to pick because I really like these particular three: Stalker, Out of my Life, The Miraculous Ladybug theme song in English, Korean (by Fiestar, no less) and French @_@
One Shot One Kill almost in this list as well but THE OTHER THREE. I CAN LISTEN TO ALL DAY.
One Moment From This Year That You Want To Relive..?
OTL The last time I saw him. I wish he hadn't gone to see me when it was so busy. I wanted to wish him luck myself in person and hug him one last time.
Relationships.. Just... Need I Say Any More..?
Nope. NOOOOOPEEE *SKIPS*
One Thing From This Year (good or bad) That Will Always Stay With You?
Them. AU and Superman. Their pressence in general was really impactful to my life. It's difficult to explain, but I think eventhough it was short lived, they will leave a strong impression on me for a long time.
One Time You Really Cried?
I cried alot seeing my sister distressed. That was really awful.
Naughtiest Thing You've Done :p ?
I'm not really sure O_O I'm a good girl yo rofl
One Time You Really Felt Like A Failiure?
When I couldn't even get a job at a mediocre place with mediocre people =_____=
Fallen In Love?
I guess not. I've had of crushes, and usually they're pretty intense crushes, but eventhough I say I love/d Superman, I know that's not love. It's just infatuation. So no.
Have You Stayed In love!?
^ previous Q & A
Done An All Nighter?
Lots. Unintentionally too OTL
Murdered Someone And Fled To Mexico?
I'd be in jail for sure already if that were the case LOL *terrible liar*
Honestly.. How Much Money Have You Spent On Random Crap?
LOTS. LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTTTTTTTTTTTSSSSSSSSS. I can't even explain I mean- Jesus. I have a problem.
Funniest Moment :D ?
I HAVE NO CLUE. I HAVE A TERRIBLE SENSE OF HUMOR SO THIS SHOULD BE EASY BUT INSTEAD I'M BLANKING OUT.
Someone That You Really Miss?
I miss my best friends. I miss hanging out with my girls.
Any Real Real Bad Mistakes?
Well there's so much to regret but I'm so cautious and afraid to make mistakes that there hasn't been, thankfully, any with large scale consequences... I hope it stays that way cuz I'm a coward rofl...
Someone You Have Come To Hate This Year?
Not really. I hate everyone equally....
Your Lowest Moment..?
Not sure... again, I'm cautious as fuck (in other words, boring)
Your Highest Moment (naturally :p) ?
That confession rofl I swear to god I am the biggest coward ever. It's so difficult to understand for some people how I can seem so "confident" but I'm basically the biggest wuss to have ever lived. This confession is my proudest moment, I think in life. It's also point one of my Phobia Bucket list and I did it and i'm so happy xD
Have You Broken Something Valuable?
Not really, nah.
Had Your Heart Broken?
Not heart broken. YOU NEED A HEART FOR THAT HAHAHAHAHA *shot*
Made Someone Cry?
I think mostly my mom and sister OTL I'm an awful person...
Broken Someone Else's Heart?
I hope not >____< I mean, I think in a way yeah but in another I just hope it's not that serious rofl....
Created A Real Bad Awkward Silence..? How?
Not really. Silence isn't awkward to me so I try not to make it awkward for others by not being silent in general rofl.... *makes sense in my head*
Have You Left The Country?
Sadly no :(
Did You Learn Any Really Valuble Lessons?
I think it might only that which has to do with feelings. It's difficult to say but I've talked about it enough that I don't think anything longer than "Things happen for a reason" is neccessary to say.
Haha.. One Moment From This Year That You REALLY Want On Film?
A compilation of ALL my awkward moments with AU. Those were good moments ROFL
Have You Had A Near Death Experience?
Nope. And I hope that never happens LOL
Out Of Body Experience?
Nope....
One Life Changing Moment?
Again, that one moment when I forgot I'm a wuss LOL
Was This Year Happier For You Than Last Year?
Nope, not at all. 2015 was such a wonderful year to me. So many emotions, so many things. So many people and changes that were exciting and new. It was a breath of fresh air after years of dull ache and boredom. 2015 was a year that brought back something I didn't think I would ever have again. So far 2016, which I thought was gonna be even better, doesn't hold a candle to 2015. Instead it's left me on the painstaking path of boredom once more.
Go On.. It's Gotta Be Done ;P .. Rate This Year Out Of 10
So far it's a 5.
Been Arrested.. Or Come Close?
Nope.
Got Yourself Into An Awkward Situation?
Lots of times LOL....
This Years Most Painful Moment?
Again. My sister's situation was pretty bad.
A Really Powerful Image For You?
I'm not sure, actually O_O....
One Awesome Band You Discovered This Year?
Why would I need that though when I HAVE U-KISS. ;DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
C'mon.. :D .. Most Embarrasing Moment?
OTL OTL OTL OTL..... Where to even start. I get plenty of those often. I'm just one walking embarrassing moment tbh
Met Anyone Famous?
Nah. I'm not cool like that I guess LOL
One Moment Where You Really Screwed Up Bad?
I fuck up alot so it's hard to say rofl O_O
Favourite Movie From This Year?
Nothing from theaters since I don't watch alot of movies to begin with, but I myself just watched Madoka Magica the Movie "Rebellion" SIGH I love this series and I love this movie.
Made Any Really Good Friends?
So far I'm pretty happy I got to meet my friends Doug and Grace. Doug especially has become my best friend.
Made Yourself An Arch Nemesis?
I hope not >____<
One Thing You Wish You Could Just Forget?
Them. Him especially.
If You Could Turn Back Time To This Moment One Year Ago.. Would You?
No. I remember I was very sad because of AU at this time last year. I was so afraid he'd leave and at the time, I thought that was the worse that could happen. Scary how things change....
A Quote From This Year?
"If I can't bring down heaven, then I will raise hell."
The Most Expensive Thing You Bought?
.............................that 40 buck Sailor moon keychain was pretty pricey for it's size.
A Time You Fell Straight On Your Ass..?
I went to get my blood drawn and got dizzy and fell LOL....
Went To Say Something That Came Out Wrong?
Oh, LOADS. Customer service is awful when you think too fast for your mouth to catch up so you end up slurring and saying gibberish...
Learnt To Play An Instrument?
Nope :( Though I practiced Piano for a bit on my own hehe
Resolutuons For Next Year..? (Yeah I Know We Never Keep 'Em.
UGH I don't even know..... I'll write that down if I think of some when this year ends (It's still Aug. I'll do this survey again in December IGPUL.)
Sum Up This Year In A Few Words?
A piece of shit.
And Now For Your End Of Year Speech :D .. Go For It...
THAT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN TIL THIS YEAR ACTUALLY ENDS.
Ok I'm gonna sleep because, why not. It's a thing that people do.
TOODLES.
But first, here's a few random little things. Not many, just honorary mentions.
-I met my new therapist this week. She's lovely. I'm very much happy with the transfer.
-Attempting to apply at two jobs part time. Please, life or whoever reads this, wish me luck for good things to come.
-I have a terrible swollen gum and I can't eat well. Great.
-Healthy eating is going poorly, but still going Pfffffffft.
-I'm enjoying Elnaz's life way too much RN LOL
-Still miraculous trash, enough so I'm gonna go buy that stupid toy Yo-Yo.
-OTL I really want to buy a new laptop because I'm so tired of seeing the tiny screen on this cute little tablet. I miss full size PC's. And being to load shit. And download shit. And make shit work. And PC shit in general. SIGH.
WITHOUT FURTHER DELAYS NOW,
THE (SEMI)MID YEAR SURVEY.
What Has Been Your Biggest Regret?
So far I think it's been procrastinating my entrance to school OTL OTL I have been saying that I'd go to school for so long that it's lost all meaning to anyone to hear I'm trying to enroll, again.
The One Thing You Are Most Proud Of?
I guess that I finally was able to tell the one person I love that I love him? Even if it ended with rejection, it at least ended nicely.
Single Most Memorable Moment?
Oh I was gonna say there's been nothing eventful but honestly, the birth of my nephew is still the most memorable so far~
The Drink Of This Year?
POWERADE. AND IT WAS, IS AND ALWAYS WILL BE TBH.
Get Any Scars?
Lots. Scratches from the Bun.
Your Favourite Song For This Year?
STALKER. I LOVE STALKER (By U-KISS of course hehe). Though honestly it's hard to pick because I really like these particular three: Stalker, Out of my Life, The Miraculous Ladybug theme song in English, Korean (by Fiestar, no less) and French @_@
One Shot One Kill almost in this list as well but THE OTHER THREE. I CAN LISTEN TO ALL DAY.
One Moment From This Year That You Want To Relive..?
OTL The last time I saw him. I wish he hadn't gone to see me when it was so busy. I wanted to wish him luck myself in person and hug him one last time.
Relationships.. Just... Need I Say Any More..?
Nope. NOOOOOPEEE *SKIPS*
One Thing From This Year (good or bad) That Will Always Stay With You?
Them. AU and Superman. Their pressence in general was really impactful to my life. It's difficult to explain, but I think eventhough it was short lived, they will leave a strong impression on me for a long time.
One Time You Really Cried?
I cried alot seeing my sister distressed. That was really awful.
Naughtiest Thing You've Done :p ?
I'm not really sure O_O I'm a good girl yo rofl
One Time You Really Felt Like A Failiure?
When I couldn't even get a job at a mediocre place with mediocre people =_____=
Fallen In Love?
I guess not. I've had of crushes, and usually they're pretty intense crushes, but eventhough I say I love/d Superman, I know that's not love. It's just infatuation. So no.
Have You Stayed In love!?
^ previous Q & A
Done An All Nighter?
Lots. Unintentionally too OTL
Murdered Someone And Fled To Mexico?
I'd be in jail for sure already if that were the case LOL *terrible liar*
Honestly.. How Much Money Have You Spent On Random Crap?
LOTS. LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTTTTTTTTTTTSSSSSSSSS. I can't even explain I mean- Jesus. I have a problem.
Funniest Moment :D ?
I HAVE NO CLUE. I HAVE A TERRIBLE SENSE OF HUMOR SO THIS SHOULD BE EASY BUT INSTEAD I'M BLANKING OUT.
Someone That You Really Miss?
I miss my best friends. I miss hanging out with my girls.
Any Real Real Bad Mistakes?
Well there's so much to regret but I'm so cautious and afraid to make mistakes that there hasn't been, thankfully, any with large scale consequences... I hope it stays that way cuz I'm a coward rofl...
Someone You Have Come To Hate This Year?
Not really. I hate everyone equally....
Your Lowest Moment..?
Not sure... again, I'm cautious as fuck (in other words, boring)
Your Highest Moment (naturally :p) ?
That confession rofl I swear to god I am the biggest coward ever. It's so difficult to understand for some people how I can seem so "confident" but I'm basically the biggest wuss to have ever lived. This confession is my proudest moment, I think in life. It's also point one of my Phobia Bucket list and I did it and i'm so happy xD
Have You Broken Something Valuable?
Not really, nah.
Had Your Heart Broken?
Not heart broken. YOU NEED A HEART FOR THAT HAHAHAHAHA *shot*
Made Someone Cry?
I think mostly my mom and sister OTL I'm an awful person...
Broken Someone Else's Heart?
I hope not >____< I mean, I think in a way yeah but in another I just hope it's not that serious rofl....
Created A Real Bad Awkward Silence..? How?
Not really. Silence isn't awkward to me so I try not to make it awkward for others by not being silent in general rofl.... *makes sense in my head*
Have You Left The Country?
Sadly no :(
Did You Learn Any Really Valuble Lessons?
I think it might only that which has to do with feelings. It's difficult to say but I've talked about it enough that I don't think anything longer than "Things happen for a reason" is neccessary to say.
Haha.. One Moment From This Year That You REALLY Want On Film?
A compilation of ALL my awkward moments with AU. Those were good moments ROFL
Have You Had A Near Death Experience?
Nope. And I hope that never happens LOL
Out Of Body Experience?
Nope....
One Life Changing Moment?
Again, that one moment when I forgot I'm a wuss LOL
Was This Year Happier For You Than Last Year?
Nope, not at all. 2015 was such a wonderful year to me. So many emotions, so many things. So many people and changes that were exciting and new. It was a breath of fresh air after years of dull ache and boredom. 2015 was a year that brought back something I didn't think I would ever have again. So far 2016, which I thought was gonna be even better, doesn't hold a candle to 2015. Instead it's left me on the painstaking path of boredom once more.
Go On.. It's Gotta Be Done ;P .. Rate This Year Out Of 10
So far it's a 5.
Been Arrested.. Or Come Close?
Nope.
Got Yourself Into An Awkward Situation?
Lots of times LOL....
This Years Most Painful Moment?
Again. My sister's situation was pretty bad.
A Really Powerful Image For You?
I'm not sure, actually O_O....
One Awesome Band You Discovered This Year?
Why would I need that though when I HAVE U-KISS. ;DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
C'mon.. :D .. Most Embarrasing Moment?
OTL OTL OTL OTL..... Where to even start. I get plenty of those often. I'm just one walking embarrassing moment tbh
Met Anyone Famous?
Nah. I'm not cool like that I guess LOL
One Moment Where You Really Screwed Up Bad?
I fuck up alot so it's hard to say rofl O_O
Favourite Movie From This Year?
Nothing from theaters since I don't watch alot of movies to begin with, but I myself just watched Madoka Magica the Movie "Rebellion" SIGH I love this series and I love this movie.
Made Any Really Good Friends?
So far I'm pretty happy I got to meet my friends Doug and Grace. Doug especially has become my best friend.
Made Yourself An Arch Nemesis?
I hope not >____<
One Thing You Wish You Could Just Forget?
Them. Him especially.
If You Could Turn Back Time To This Moment One Year Ago.. Would You?
No. I remember I was very sad because of AU at this time last year. I was so afraid he'd leave and at the time, I thought that was the worse that could happen. Scary how things change....
A Quote From This Year?
"If I can't bring down heaven, then I will raise hell."
The Most Expensive Thing You Bought?
.............................that 40 buck Sailor moon keychain was pretty pricey for it's size.
A Time You Fell Straight On Your Ass..?
I went to get my blood drawn and got dizzy and fell LOL....
Went To Say Something That Came Out Wrong?
Oh, LOADS. Customer service is awful when you think too fast for your mouth to catch up so you end up slurring and saying gibberish...
Learnt To Play An Instrument?
Nope :( Though I practiced Piano for a bit on my own hehe
Resolutuons For Next Year..? (Yeah I Know We Never Keep 'Em.
UGH I don't even know..... I'll write that down if I think of some when this year ends (It's still Aug. I'll do this survey again in December IGPUL.)
Sum Up This Year In A Few Words?
A piece of shit.
And Now For Your End Of Year Speech :D .. Go For It...
THAT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN TIL THIS YEAR ACTUALLY ENDS.
Ok I'm gonna sleep because, why not. It's a thing that people do.
TOODLES.
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