Pain.

So it appears that my attempt at quitting my technology habit has been extremely unsuccesful. Not only is it intact and with no sign of being broken, it hasn't even been dented in the most microscopic way. The second I made my post with the rules, I broke them by checking my phone the second I went to lay down to sleep. Not cool, brain. Not cool at all. But in my defense right now U-KISS is having a come back and it's almost impossible for me to stay away from that OTL So I think I might just let myself wait a little longer to give it a legitimate try. In all honesty, right now the last thing I need is to add a guilt for something I know I can manage with just because I'm depriving myself of something that already gives me so much happiness.

Today has been an interesting day thus far. Every week, I only get one day off my job. Unfortunately, I have not used that day as a resting day for a very long time (resting day as in stay in and do nothing, binge watch, sleep etc etc.) and today was no exception. I woke up super early to join my friend in a job fair event which turned out to be a huge disappointment. There were few people and very few contractors there so I don't think much was gotten out of the whole ordeal so I think we might have over dressed entirely for the occasion OTL

The "So what?" Factor.
As things progressed through my day today, my discomfort grew. I'm the type of person who loves casual so much, I literally never get out of it without a true purpose. Sometimes when I feel like I have to and it's not a special occasion, as I dress up and put on make up, mascara, shoes and etc of things I don't wear constantly, I feel a feeling of anxiety and comparison lurking up at me. I feel as I walk down the street that people will laugh at me for being unattractive and attempting at being attractive looking by following things much more beautiful girls will do on a daily basis. For a plain and ugly person to try, my brain tells me, is pathetic and very sad. So I start feeling self conscious at the fact that other people can see my sad attempts at self esteem.

This is where the "So What?" Factor kicks.

Before the unfortunate incidents that happened in 2011, I had always believed that life is supposed to be led for your own happiness. For your sake, for your acceptance. I believed so strongly that I don't remember having a single crush on a guy that was stronger than just a feeling of "he's very handsome" or anything close to that. To me, before that time, my life was priceless. I felt like I had to live for me. So my casual attire and attempts at dressing up were accompanied with nothing. I walked up and down the street without a single care about who or what was there. There were many occasions where my sister would point out that people looked at me oddly, seeing me under-dressed for things in comparison to others, but I had never noticed before. Years later now at my age, I started to feel that inferiority quite strongly. As my sister blossomed into a confident girl, woman and now a mother, I felt my self esteem lessen and lessen and without a true recollection of a feeling of jealousy, I didn't know why. Over time, I realized that I had started to compare myself in age and beauty with other women, not in hatred, but in sadness and pity of myself. Now at 27, I am sad to admit that I feel inferior to every one. And I'd hate for this to be the rest of my life.

So what? is the question I will ask myself from now on every time I see a beautiful, slender young girl who passes my way and who I will undoubtedly compare myself with. You have to ask yourself in your head why those things matter. As I said, I had never before realized things like that mattered. It had never mattered to me before, what happened? I started valuing the lives of others more than my own is what happened. So that woman over there has a beautiful facial structure. So what? So that young girl over there has her whole life ahead of her. So what? So that beautiful female manager owns the heart of the man you like because she is confident, independent, unafraid of being herself and standing up for what she thinks is right. So What? So what is the question you have to remind yourself. Because those women are beautiful it doesn't mean anything to you, or the world. Their beauty alone doesn't define them, their personalities alone doesn't mean you're not worth anything. Their accomplishments shouldn't make you feel like you have accomplished nothing. So there will always be someone out there who seems to have it easier than you, ultimately everything can be ended with that same question.

In the end, I will continue to live my life on my own, with myself and I will have to make my own choices about whether I want to continue seeing myself as trash or treasure. And there's enough in comparisons in advertisements and TV. And there will always be comparisons in boyfriends, families, genes, economic status, race. There's always going to be something out there that will put a mold to what they think we should be and what we look like, and frankly, I've always found the ways of humanity way too stupid to follow. So if you don't look like everyone, you should consider yourself lucky instead. After all, there will be something about you that will stand out, while all these people who chase these standards of beauty and life will sadly always end up in the same mold.

Of course people who were to accidentally land on this post would think that it's something only "ugly and unsuccessful" people would say. But here's the thing. I've never hated another woman for being beautiful or successful, or for being smarter than I am. In fact, you should always see thesewomen, and  people in general not as examples of what you should be, but of things that have been possible. Humans have always hated each other for the pettiest of things. Exactly for those reasons listed above, actually, and more. We always forget that we're all animals in the end and survival was the only original goal we've had in life since the beginning. Yet we hold in pedestals people who seem to have their lives together, who are blessed with things we can only ever dream of accomplishing. But we shouldn't curse these people or anyone. So if you're beautiful by the standards of society, Good. If  you are successful in your career, in your personal life etc, Good. If you are happy with yourself and in the things that you do, that's even better. Be happy with you, because my shitty post won't mean anything, just as much as people who have called me ugly all my life have never meant anything. And if you aren't happy with the way you look because of society standards, ask yourself why you care. Ask yourself why it matters and you'll see that it really doesn't. You will be the person that will wake up every day with you, so just because one or even alot of people say you are undesirable, you have to remember that you make your own happiness.

So next time I come across any obstacle that makes me forget that none of this shit truly matters in the end, I'll just stop and ask myself the same damn thing.

So what? 

Ugh, I'm entirely so annoyed at all the things I need to take care of....Here's a list of things that I have to take care of in the next couple of days:

-Pay phone bill
-Online orientation
-Placements assessments
-Resume
-Tutorials for comeback purschases and streaming
-52 week challenge savings OTL
-Michaels art supplies
-Cash check
-Mail Medical forms
-Medicine refills
-Meeting up with Jade
-Meeting up with Grace
-Grocery shopping
-Pay off credit card
-Champurrados new habitat and bed/toys/hay
-Champurrados Vet appointment
-Counselor appointment
-Scholarships applications
-FAF$A (unintentional money sign but it makes sense OTL
-Sort out summer clothes and winter clothes
-Study Drivers manual
-Appointment for optometrist

and etc etc.................................................................

I will continue to update this list as I finish it. But at the moment I just want to lay down and binge netflix...........

Toodles.