The past few weeks have been................. hectic to say the very least.
(Also, yikes. It's been a long, long time since I updated my blog. Not like anyone reads or cares but so much for promising myself to blog.)
In either case there's been quite a few drastic changes to my everyday life, all surrounding the complete uprooting of my family from one lovely little house to a small and uncomfortable apartment.
Sigh.
Needless to say that sums up everything I feel in a single word. I've been tirelessly trying to get myself to adjust to the fact we never will be able to return to the place we called home for nearly a decade. It was small, sure, it could be uncomfortable, of course, but nonetheless I was happy there. There were of course lots of time when I wished things were different at the time. I'd give anything to go back to it now that it's over.
But alas, life goes on right?
On the other hand there are maybe two things I should be grateful for in this tiny apartment.
For one, there is AC so I probably won't be dying and suffering from the heat too much (until it's fixed properly anyway) or of severe bronchitis this year.
On the other, I have a proper place to sleep.
Yay...........
But I still miss our old house already. And it's only been 3 days...................
I keep telling myself I should be grateful. We're not that far away and honestly I don't think we could've done better than this.
But it is what it is.
Showing posts with label RANT. Show all posts
Showing posts with label RANT. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 2, 2017
Saturday, April 22, 2017
FRUGALITY.
An ironic title for me as I gear myself up to excited type on my brand new computer.
Eek!
Well truth be told, I'm actually not as excited as I thought I'd be to be able to buy my very first computer (With my own money and all I mean.) Years ago, this was nothing but a dream. Years ago though, I spent almost every waking moment of my life on the computer and on the virtual world. These days, I'm lucky if I'm ever home to rest.
There's been lots going on around. Here's a few things that happened and have happened and others that are about to be happening.
-Jenni, K and I went to the BTS concert for their "WINGS" Tour here in California. I had SO MUCH FUN. I stayed with Karen in her hotel room to keep her company for the one night I could and I just I was so excited fjdks;aflkdsf she and I have been friends for years and though Skyping and talking for a while, this was our first time meeting in person. I'm so glad she seemed to enjoy herself with us ;u; The actual concert itself was super fun. I didn't know every song or all the lyrics to the ones I knew but I had alot of fun watching the dances and seeing their performances. All in all it was alot more fun than I had expected. There were lots of nice people there too and even though we started as three in the line, we grew as a group of like 6-7 by the end it was pretty fun. Hopefully one of the people I met there will be at the EXO concert next week as we had planned. I'm hoping this will be just as fun.
-.........and on the note of the EXO concert next week, I'm super hyped. There's been lots of prep and talks and hopefully this will be a much more calm experience than their previous concert here, which apparently. I have all the things I wanted to get to enjoy my concert experience so I think I've achieved that and now I'm just waiting for D-Day.
-It's my nephews first birthday on the 8th of May so my mom is hyping herself and everyone around her with his very first birthday party which I'm sure will be a d o r a b l e.
-Mom's Birthday was this week and I got her Strawberry cheesecake from Portos bakery eventhough I didn't think I'd manage (and also somehow got the wrong candles OTL)
And now to the main point of this post............
FRUGALITY OF LIFE.
Since the beginning of this year, and as I wrote in my very expensive Seasons greetings diary........ I realized that my priorities have been put to the side for the ever popular "you only live once" attitude a lot of people have towards money. Personally, I know I'm an impulse buyer. When I started my job, I had started out with proper savings, with the proper approach to the mixture of Frugal but liberal money spending, and was able to successfully save a decent amount for my expenses. Not much, but enough to get me out of a tight spot financially in case I needed it. This is no longer the case. Time after time, I've allowed my better judgement to be clouded by luxuries I know I'm not privileged enough to afford. I've got bills to pay, credit to maintain, a bunny to maintain and lots of other necessary expenses that are much more vital. I'm currently not in the position to buy this computer I'm holding now. I've got only a bitter feeling in my gut to remember that I literally have spent all my savings in things that are 100% unnecessary. I try to justify my wreck-less spending by telling myself these are all gifts for my own birthday. But I know I'm only doing it out of splurging. Out of nothing.
Sitting down and budgeting while at work today, I realized if I stopped doing so many things that I don't need to do, spending in things I don't need to spend on so excessively and over all following my original plan as I had been doing properly, I could be saving quite alot. So after next weeks concert, I've decided that being frugal was the way of life for me, though I will be extending that towards being the ultimate penny pincher for the rest of this year, or until I feel like I'm safe enough to go on another wreck-less spending spree at some point in life.
Ah, being an adult is no fun.
Also agh my debts. I hate debts. I don't want debts. Debts be damned.
I'm so excited for next weeks concert. I'm excited for the set of music I've been wanting to hear and of having my day off and wearing that choker and sweater I've been wanting to wear (eventhough it appears to be another hot week coming up.)
All in all, I guess I see this as the real end. Of this streak at least.
Eek!
Well truth be told, I'm actually not as excited as I thought I'd be to be able to buy my very first computer (With my own money and all I mean.) Years ago, this was nothing but a dream. Years ago though, I spent almost every waking moment of my life on the computer and on the virtual world. These days, I'm lucky if I'm ever home to rest.
There's been lots going on around. Here's a few things that happened and have happened and others that are about to be happening.
-Jenni, K and I went to the BTS concert for their "WINGS" Tour here in California. I had SO MUCH FUN. I stayed with Karen in her hotel room to keep her company for the one night I could and I just I was so excited fjdks;aflkdsf she and I have been friends for years and though Skyping and talking for a while, this was our first time meeting in person. I'm so glad she seemed to enjoy herself with us ;u; The actual concert itself was super fun. I didn't know every song or all the lyrics to the ones I knew but I had alot of fun watching the dances and seeing their performances. All in all it was alot more fun than I had expected. There were lots of nice people there too and even though we started as three in the line, we grew as a group of like 6-7 by the end it was pretty fun. Hopefully one of the people I met there will be at the EXO concert next week as we had planned. I'm hoping this will be just as fun.
-.........and on the note of the EXO concert next week, I'm super hyped. There's been lots of prep and talks and hopefully this will be a much more calm experience than their previous concert here, which apparently. I have all the things I wanted to get to enjoy my concert experience so I think I've achieved that and now I'm just waiting for D-Day.
-It's my nephews first birthday on the 8th of May so my mom is hyping herself and everyone around her with his very first birthday party which I'm sure will be a d o r a b l e.
-Mom's Birthday was this week and I got her Strawberry cheesecake from Portos bakery eventhough I didn't think I'd manage (and also somehow got the wrong candles OTL)
And now to the main point of this post............
FRUGALITY OF LIFE.
Since the beginning of this year, and as I wrote in my very expensive Seasons greetings diary........ I realized that my priorities have been put to the side for the ever popular "you only live once" attitude a lot of people have towards money. Personally, I know I'm an impulse buyer. When I started my job, I had started out with proper savings, with the proper approach to the mixture of Frugal but liberal money spending, and was able to successfully save a decent amount for my expenses. Not much, but enough to get me out of a tight spot financially in case I needed it. This is no longer the case. Time after time, I've allowed my better judgement to be clouded by luxuries I know I'm not privileged enough to afford. I've got bills to pay, credit to maintain, a bunny to maintain and lots of other necessary expenses that are much more vital. I'm currently not in the position to buy this computer I'm holding now. I've got only a bitter feeling in my gut to remember that I literally have spent all my savings in things that are 100% unnecessary. I try to justify my wreck-less spending by telling myself these are all gifts for my own birthday. But I know I'm only doing it out of splurging. Out of nothing.
Sitting down and budgeting while at work today, I realized if I stopped doing so many things that I don't need to do, spending in things I don't need to spend on so excessively and over all following my original plan as I had been doing properly, I could be saving quite alot. So after next weeks concert, I've decided that being frugal was the way of life for me, though I will be extending that towards being the ultimate penny pincher for the rest of this year, or until I feel like I'm safe enough to go on another wreck-less spending spree at some point in life.
Ah, being an adult is no fun.
Also agh my debts. I hate debts. I don't want debts. Debts be damned.
I'm so excited for next weeks concert. I'm excited for the set of music I've been wanting to hear and of having my day off and wearing that choker and sweater I've been wanting to wear (eventhough it appears to be another hot week coming up.)
All in all, I guess I see this as the real end. Of this streak at least.
Saturday, February 11, 2017
NOISE.
The unfortunate circumstances of life has led to a complete halt of my promised blogging. Even though not as consistent as I had promised myself to be, it's even worse now for the one tragic reason I never thought I'd say.
I. HAVE. NO. COMPUTER.
Ok that's not entirely true, but it's more like, I have no actual functioning computer. Not even a desktop. Unfortunately, and the one I'm using to type up this message, this old man computer is the only thing available in the house. It's an old, very very old computer, with an old windows system (long forgotten by me) is what I like to call "well loved". Translation would have it as over used, with the keys already rubbed off from all the letters because of endless hours and memories of skype sessions, video chats and lots and lots of time on the old MSN messenger. Ah, time flies by. There was a time when I couldn't imagine my life outside the 5th wall of technology. Now, I so rarely have time to even browse around, succumbing to only checking on my phone.
Time flies by.
Anyway, I am extremely bummed at my lack of computer since there's so much I need to do, so much I want to help with, and projects coming up. It's almost the birthday's of my two favorite people in the world, Shin Soohyun of U-KISS and Kim Minseok of EXO, my two adorable biases. And I'm so so so so SO SO SO SO SO hoping I can have a computer before those days, because no matter how much I want to seem like a grown adult, I'm still trash for my Korean pop music.
And on that note, this is something that has been bothering me for so long now.
The idol life's dilemma.
It's no secret to those who know me and those around me that I love Asian music, incomprehensible to people who see my playlists and come across it. They give me puzzling looks of disbelief, wondering why in the world I bother to listen to music I can't understand. The answer is very simple. I LIKE THE RHYTHM. It was all a complete coincidence, and another story as to why I ended up swept up in the charts of Asian music, and specifically Korean Music. Long story short, it was actually because of my love for Japanese music that I discovered Korean Music (and unrelatedly, Chinese music as well) around 14 years ago.
And through these genres, I've stuck with K-pop music the most, even though I will always find their ways of handling entertainment figures a tad bit either exaggerating or cruel. But out of all the things that happen, there's the dreaded two year mandatory military enlistment that every male, no matter how rich or famous has to go through before the age of 30. Normally, in most countries, it goes unperceived and passes quickly, Korea being no exception. But being swept off as I am, and with my current favorite people as they stand, I can't help but think of the major differences between them, as well as the whole picture for being a star.
I find it a bit heart breaking over and over, not just in K-pop but in general. Over time, we come across people who's music we love. Who's voices and lyrics have changed the world. There are people who's presence and achievements inspire us to do something, anything really. And yet as years roll by, we realize how easy it is to forget them as well. When I started listening to this particular genre in Korea, I was caught up by the catchy tunes and fancy synchronized dancing, beautiful men and women in groups of four or five going around the world and filling stadiums and other places. And yet now, those same legendary groups and people who were once so popular, and though still loved all over the world, are replaced by the younger generation, as is the way of life. The old groups are replaced by the groups of today and the once legendary groups have to remind fans of younger groups how the struggles of their own groups helped pave the way for these younger groups to go internationally famous. And there is nothing wrong with having new groups replace older groups, as I mentioned, it's the way of life and there will be nothing we can do to stop that from happening. But I find it very melancholic, wondering if when people start off their careers at the age of 15-16 and knowing their time in the spotlight is only limited to their youth, were they will reach their peak only to be outshined a few years later.
As Soohyun and Minseok's enlistments approach, since they're both reaching 28 and 27 respectively, no matter how much I want to not think about it, the differences in the status' is ridiculously high and I'm sad to think of what will happen in the future. Soohyun in particular has been my absolute favorite person in the world for over 8 years. I'm hoping that life allows him to continue to shine on stage, just like he likes; just like I know he wants to for years to come. As for Minseok, I'm not as worried. Minseok and EXO have a huge following that I believe will follow him as long as he wants to be on stage, maybe downsizing a bit as years pass by, but loyal and big just the same. But only if he chooses. Who knows what the future will hold for him as well.
Anywhooo, after these depressing thoughts about my favorite people and stuff, I think I'll go look around for computers x_____x
TOODLES.
I. HAVE. NO. COMPUTER.
Ok that's not entirely true, but it's more like, I have no actual functioning computer. Not even a desktop. Unfortunately, and the one I'm using to type up this message, this old man computer is the only thing available in the house. It's an old, very very old computer, with an old windows system (long forgotten by me) is what I like to call "well loved". Translation would have it as over used, with the keys already rubbed off from all the letters because of endless hours and memories of skype sessions, video chats and lots and lots of time on the old MSN messenger. Ah, time flies by. There was a time when I couldn't imagine my life outside the 5th wall of technology. Now, I so rarely have time to even browse around, succumbing to only checking on my phone.
Time flies by.
Anyway, I am extremely bummed at my lack of computer since there's so much I need to do, so much I want to help with, and projects coming up. It's almost the birthday's of my two favorite people in the world, Shin Soohyun of U-KISS and Kim Minseok of EXO, my two adorable biases. And I'm so so so so SO SO SO SO SO hoping I can have a computer before those days, because no matter how much I want to seem like a grown adult, I'm still trash for my Korean pop music.
And on that note, this is something that has been bothering me for so long now.
The idol life's dilemma.
It's no secret to those who know me and those around me that I love Asian music, incomprehensible to people who see my playlists and come across it. They give me puzzling looks of disbelief, wondering why in the world I bother to listen to music I can't understand. The answer is very simple. I LIKE THE RHYTHM. It was all a complete coincidence, and another story as to why I ended up swept up in the charts of Asian music, and specifically Korean Music. Long story short, it was actually because of my love for Japanese music that I discovered Korean Music (and unrelatedly, Chinese music as well) around 14 years ago.
And through these genres, I've stuck with K-pop music the most, even though I will always find their ways of handling entertainment figures a tad bit either exaggerating or cruel. But out of all the things that happen, there's the dreaded two year mandatory military enlistment that every male, no matter how rich or famous has to go through before the age of 30. Normally, in most countries, it goes unperceived and passes quickly, Korea being no exception. But being swept off as I am, and with my current favorite people as they stand, I can't help but think of the major differences between them, as well as the whole picture for being a star.
I find it a bit heart breaking over and over, not just in K-pop but in general. Over time, we come across people who's music we love. Who's voices and lyrics have changed the world. There are people who's presence and achievements inspire us to do something, anything really. And yet as years roll by, we realize how easy it is to forget them as well. When I started listening to this particular genre in Korea, I was caught up by the catchy tunes and fancy synchronized dancing, beautiful men and women in groups of four or five going around the world and filling stadiums and other places. And yet now, those same legendary groups and people who were once so popular, and though still loved all over the world, are replaced by the younger generation, as is the way of life. The old groups are replaced by the groups of today and the once legendary groups have to remind fans of younger groups how the struggles of their own groups helped pave the way for these younger groups to go internationally famous. And there is nothing wrong with having new groups replace older groups, as I mentioned, it's the way of life and there will be nothing we can do to stop that from happening. But I find it very melancholic, wondering if when people start off their careers at the age of 15-16 and knowing their time in the spotlight is only limited to their youth, were they will reach their peak only to be outshined a few years later.
As Soohyun and Minseok's enlistments approach, since they're both reaching 28 and 27 respectively, no matter how much I want to not think about it, the differences in the status' is ridiculously high and I'm sad to think of what will happen in the future. Soohyun in particular has been my absolute favorite person in the world for over 8 years. I'm hoping that life allows him to continue to shine on stage, just like he likes; just like I know he wants to for years to come. As for Minseok, I'm not as worried. Minseok and EXO have a huge following that I believe will follow him as long as he wants to be on stage, maybe downsizing a bit as years pass by, but loyal and big just the same. But only if he chooses. Who knows what the future will hold for him as well.
Anywhooo, after these depressing thoughts about my favorite people and stuff, I think I'll go look around for computers x_____x
TOODLES.
Sunday, January 1, 2017
606
At the end of every year, there are certain things I have done and not done. By that, I don't mean the endless traditions around the world that people do in hopes for a bright and happy new 365 days of what we call a year.
Yes, I still eat the grapes at the struck of twelve seconds to midnight, with only zero point zero one percent of belief that they might come true.
Yes, I still wait up and yell Happy New year with the rest of the world in the same coastal and bi-coastal areas, cheering for having one cycle to end and another one to begin.
Yes, I still make the crappy resolutions that we all make, about losing weight and being a better person, about trying to take care of me.
About making promises about how I'm going to better myself as a human being, whatever the hell that means.
I've been doing this for now 27, about to be 28 years of my life with little fruitation, with little hopes and little believes as to what the future holds for me and those around me.
2016 was an extremely painful year.
Once upon a time for a little while, I made an entry in the beginning of the year telling myself that I hope that because the year 2016 held my favorite number, it would bring me lots of happiness and, if not achievements, at least a few little steps into what would be a good path.
All in all, even though I always complain about it, even though all my writing is always dramatic and painful and full of words about how excruciating and exhausting and tiring it is "to be me" so to say, this is completely different from trying to relieve my stress through writing. I honestly can't put into words how.......sad this year was for me. To my friends that know, they understand why I'm even more insufferable than usual. To those who don't, I don't feel too bad they don't, mainly because it's something pitiful and cruel. And I've already been told "I'm so sorry. Hang in there" so much since November that I don't think I want to keep hearing the words right now. Not while I should be making memories.
Memories. That's all I think about now a days.
When I start a new year, there are a few personal things I do. The notebooks and notes that I always make to write my feelings or thoughts are burned. They're destroyed in symbolism to end with the 365'th day for when the cycle of earths orbit restarts. I give myself one final night of the sorrow of the year, of the happiness of it and lots of other things that I always feel will be the last. It reminds me of Time. And for those who know me well enough know time is dangerous, what it means as well. For the 4th consecutive year, it was an empty calendar. There were no moments of personal achievements like other years. There was a time a long time ago when I'd take upon small personal projects for growth, for learning, for nurturing my mind before it's inevitable doom towards not even remembering my own phone number, let alone the words to my favorite song.
My nephew is the only occurrence of 2016 that is worth celebrating and remembering fondly. A bland, boring and sad year over all apart from that tiny ball of adorable sunshine.
There is nothing in 2017 that promises it will be a better year. I know if anyone who knows me where to come across this post, they'd see a classic downer post, no different from my countless rants and spur of the moment darkness; Yet another post of my angst and negativity. It's not. This is an empty post for the only plans I have for my next 364 days (-1 day because it's already January 1st 2017).
This year there is only a few things I want to do. They've all been formed and shaped by the upcoming events for radical reasons.
All in all, I will be going into this year for the first time in 6 years solo. There is no place to run to like I usually did once a week. I have to go with this whole thing, this journey into unknown territory alone.
Second of all, there is the preparation to dealing with the stages of grief, which I've already started. I cannot hold it off forever and it's coming up in a slow and agonizing way, but picking up speed to the inevitable.
Third of all, my future at the hands of the future of this country in jeapordy. Whether I thrive or not is now in the hands of newly appointed by a majorly biased population now. What pity. I really enjoyed the 3 years of freedom I had.
Three things in a list seems like so little but it's three huge events.
Every year since I discovered it, I read Atlas Shrugged like most people read the bible. The thought that my thoughts aren't alone is comforting. It's the only light I've had in my path in so long, it reminds me that I have a choice of what to do for the rest of my life. I wanted to be like Ayn's Characters. I was young and naive and thought I could be like Dagny. Like Dominique. Like Gail, like Roark. I thought I could be like John Galt. But I'm actually more like Cherryl Taggart. A worshiper of the only things I believe in life.
I want to live my life from now on away from all of this.
“Learn to distinguish the difference between errors of knowledge and breaches of morality. An error of knowledge is not a moral flaw, provided you are willing to correct it; only a mystic would judge human beings by the standard of an impossible, automatic omniscience. But a breach of morality is the conscious choice of an action you know to be evil, or a willful evasion of knowledge, a suspension of sight and of thought. That which you do not know, is not a moral charge against you; but that which you refuse to know, is an account of infamy growing in your soul. Make every allowance for errors of knowledge; do not forgive or accept any break of morality.”
For 2017, it's time to put away all the things I once believed in. Every year, I allow myself to fall for the same garbage. For the same hopes and dreams. I consider them garbage now in the sense that I've had the exact same mentality for most of my life without cause or reason. No, I will not suddenly become ignorant to how difficult it will be to leave the old mentalities behind. But it is necessary to get rid of every piece of non-sense I've drilled into my brain, or that has been drilled into my brain. I have loved Astronomy for so long, for such a long time I have looked at the stars fondly, in awe of the beauty of creation, of the universe, of the endless possibilities, of the catastrophic ends. Unlike the world, unlike life, the universe and the cosmos are endless and absolute; their laws are eternal. We are not. We are here in a place in life where we care about things that ultimately do not matter. That will never matter. I will sit in loneliness all my life because no one will ever know things I will never allow them to see. I will always look at the light of dead stars in the sky knowing I can never see the beginning or the end.
I cannot allow my life to keep going in this same path anymore.
No matter what I do, I cannot became the cold emotionless person I want to be. I cannot sit in a room full of people in sorrow and pretend I don't see them in pain. But from now on, I think I will stop putting all these people ahead of me every time. I'm selfish. I'm selfish to the core and I know it. And I love it. I have the confidence to know I will be ok by myself, I always have. But I'm not stupid. We need people's encouragement to continue living in life. We need to surround ourselves with those who reflect us and our greatest achievements, our greatest achievements and dreams. I want to keep the people who's lives influences mine with me. But loving people is not enough reason to allow them to hurt you. Loving and being kind to people so they don't feel what you do is not enough reason to allow them the chance to become more important than you are. I know this. But I've still let this happen all my life.
I'm tired of it lol
365 days in a year are not enough days in life to make a change from a difficult life. I'm not the kind of person who is going to claim that from now on things will be entirely different, that I will wake up tomorrow morning with a completely different attitude and I will confidently walk into a new day with a big heroic smile on my face ready to take on any challenge. I'm just so very tired of promising myself shit and getting nowhere at all with it, because even I know it won't happen if I still make the same promises. Promises ceased to mean something to me so long ago. I've never been stupid enough to believe in the white lies. I've never wanted to see things for what they were. That's what I'm trying to end now.
2017 is such a dramatic number, and this is just another dramatic post.
But for me, this is the true end, the reset because I'm still Mystic Messenger trash.
I think it's really time for me to give up. To truly start over.
I want to look at the cosmos every day from now on, to remind me, to remind my head that there's still something to see. Something to enjoy in my existence, even if it's just for a little while longer.
So I will. No matter what the consequence.
Yes, I still eat the grapes at the struck of twelve seconds to midnight, with only zero point zero one percent of belief that they might come true.
Yes, I still wait up and yell Happy New year with the rest of the world in the same coastal and bi-coastal areas, cheering for having one cycle to end and another one to begin.
Yes, I still make the crappy resolutions that we all make, about losing weight and being a better person, about trying to take care of me.
About making promises about how I'm going to better myself as a human being, whatever the hell that means.
I've been doing this for now 27, about to be 28 years of my life with little fruitation, with little hopes and little believes as to what the future holds for me and those around me.
2016 was an extremely painful year.
Once upon a time for a little while, I made an entry in the beginning of the year telling myself that I hope that because the year 2016 held my favorite number, it would bring me lots of happiness and, if not achievements, at least a few little steps into what would be a good path.
All in all, even though I always complain about it, even though all my writing is always dramatic and painful and full of words about how excruciating and exhausting and tiring it is "to be me" so to say, this is completely different from trying to relieve my stress through writing. I honestly can't put into words how.......sad this year was for me. To my friends that know, they understand why I'm even more insufferable than usual. To those who don't, I don't feel too bad they don't, mainly because it's something pitiful and cruel. And I've already been told "I'm so sorry. Hang in there" so much since November that I don't think I want to keep hearing the words right now. Not while I should be making memories.
Memories. That's all I think about now a days.
When I start a new year, there are a few personal things I do. The notebooks and notes that I always make to write my feelings or thoughts are burned. They're destroyed in symbolism to end with the 365'th day for when the cycle of earths orbit restarts. I give myself one final night of the sorrow of the year, of the happiness of it and lots of other things that I always feel will be the last. It reminds me of Time. And for those who know me well enough know time is dangerous, what it means as well. For the 4th consecutive year, it was an empty calendar. There were no moments of personal achievements like other years. There was a time a long time ago when I'd take upon small personal projects for growth, for learning, for nurturing my mind before it's inevitable doom towards not even remembering my own phone number, let alone the words to my favorite song.
My nephew is the only occurrence of 2016 that is worth celebrating and remembering fondly. A bland, boring and sad year over all apart from that tiny ball of adorable sunshine.
There is nothing in 2017 that promises it will be a better year. I know if anyone who knows me where to come across this post, they'd see a classic downer post, no different from my countless rants and spur of the moment darkness; Yet another post of my angst and negativity. It's not. This is an empty post for the only plans I have for my next 364 days (-1 day because it's already January 1st 2017).
This year there is only a few things I want to do. They've all been formed and shaped by the upcoming events for radical reasons.
All in all, I will be going into this year for the first time in 6 years solo. There is no place to run to like I usually did once a week. I have to go with this whole thing, this journey into unknown territory alone.
Second of all, there is the preparation to dealing with the stages of grief, which I've already started. I cannot hold it off forever and it's coming up in a slow and agonizing way, but picking up speed to the inevitable.
Third of all, my future at the hands of the future of this country in jeapordy. Whether I thrive or not is now in the hands of newly appointed by a majorly biased population now. What pity. I really enjoyed the 3 years of freedom I had.
Three things in a list seems like so little but it's three huge events.
Every year since I discovered it, I read Atlas Shrugged like most people read the bible. The thought that my thoughts aren't alone is comforting. It's the only light I've had in my path in so long, it reminds me that I have a choice of what to do for the rest of my life. I wanted to be like Ayn's Characters. I was young and naive and thought I could be like Dagny. Like Dominique. Like Gail, like Roark. I thought I could be like John Galt. But I'm actually more like Cherryl Taggart. A worshiper of the only things I believe in life.
I want to live my life from now on away from all of this.
“Learn to distinguish the difference between errors of knowledge and breaches of morality. An error of knowledge is not a moral flaw, provided you are willing to correct it; only a mystic would judge human beings by the standard of an impossible, automatic omniscience. But a breach of morality is the conscious choice of an action you know to be evil, or a willful evasion of knowledge, a suspension of sight and of thought. That which you do not know, is not a moral charge against you; but that which you refuse to know, is an account of infamy growing in your soul. Make every allowance for errors of knowledge; do not forgive or accept any break of morality.”
For 2017, it's time to put away all the things I once believed in. Every year, I allow myself to fall for the same garbage. For the same hopes and dreams. I consider them garbage now in the sense that I've had the exact same mentality for most of my life without cause or reason. No, I will not suddenly become ignorant to how difficult it will be to leave the old mentalities behind. But it is necessary to get rid of every piece of non-sense I've drilled into my brain, or that has been drilled into my brain. I have loved Astronomy for so long, for such a long time I have looked at the stars fondly, in awe of the beauty of creation, of the universe, of the endless possibilities, of the catastrophic ends. Unlike the world, unlike life, the universe and the cosmos are endless and absolute; their laws are eternal. We are not. We are here in a place in life where we care about things that ultimately do not matter. That will never matter. I will sit in loneliness all my life because no one will ever know things I will never allow them to see. I will always look at the light of dead stars in the sky knowing I can never see the beginning or the end.
I cannot allow my life to keep going in this same path anymore.
No matter what I do, I cannot became the cold emotionless person I want to be. I cannot sit in a room full of people in sorrow and pretend I don't see them in pain. But from now on, I think I will stop putting all these people ahead of me every time. I'm selfish. I'm selfish to the core and I know it. And I love it. I have the confidence to know I will be ok by myself, I always have. But I'm not stupid. We need people's encouragement to continue living in life. We need to surround ourselves with those who reflect us and our greatest achievements, our greatest achievements and dreams. I want to keep the people who's lives influences mine with me. But loving people is not enough reason to allow them to hurt you. Loving and being kind to people so they don't feel what you do is not enough reason to allow them the chance to become more important than you are. I know this. But I've still let this happen all my life.
I'm tired of it lol
365 days in a year are not enough days in life to make a change from a difficult life. I'm not the kind of person who is going to claim that from now on things will be entirely different, that I will wake up tomorrow morning with a completely different attitude and I will confidently walk into a new day with a big heroic smile on my face ready to take on any challenge. I'm just so very tired of promising myself shit and getting nowhere at all with it, because even I know it won't happen if I still make the same promises. Promises ceased to mean something to me so long ago. I've never been stupid enough to believe in the white lies. I've never wanted to see things for what they were. That's what I'm trying to end now.
2017 is such a dramatic number, and this is just another dramatic post.
But for me, this is the true end, the reset because I'm still Mystic Messenger trash.
I think it's really time for me to give up. To truly start over.
I want to look at the cosmos every day from now on, to remind me, to remind my head that there's still something to see. Something to enjoy in my existence, even if it's just for a little while longer.
So I will. No matter what the consequence.
Tuesday, December 13, 2016
ICE
Let me just get this out of my system, first and foremost.
I. Cannot. Fuckin. Believe. This. Year. Is. Almost. Over.
Yes, that needs to be spaced out in an obnoxious way.
Yes, it is necessary to pause at every word.
I've been attempting to make an entry every single time for the past three months, trying to express just how.................. sad I am this year happened.
2017 does not at all seem any more promising. If anything, it appears as many things are disappearing the second this year ends. I hope I'm wrong about a few. I know I'm not for others.
As Christmas approaches, I realize how much everything has changed.
365 days make a lifetime of change.
Maybe, maybe, maybe, something is coming next year that I needed to prepare for so all these things happened for a reason.
Maybe they were just meant to happen. I'm a firm believe of determinism after all.
Or maybe life is just meant to be this shitty for someone who never sees the upside of anything.
In regardless, the second this year is over, it'll take with it many things.
My sanity included.
It's almost Christmas.
It's almost time.
I. Cannot. Fuckin. Believe. This. Year. Is. Almost. Over.
Yes, that needs to be spaced out in an obnoxious way.
Yes, it is necessary to pause at every word.
I've been attempting to make an entry every single time for the past three months, trying to express just how.................. sad I am this year happened.
2017 does not at all seem any more promising. If anything, it appears as many things are disappearing the second this year ends. I hope I'm wrong about a few. I know I'm not for others.
As Christmas approaches, I realize how much everything has changed.
365 days make a lifetime of change.
Maybe, maybe, maybe, something is coming next year that I needed to prepare for so all these things happened for a reason.
Maybe they were just meant to happen. I'm a firm believe of determinism after all.
Or maybe life is just meant to be this shitty for someone who never sees the upside of anything.
In regardless, the second this year is over, it'll take with it many things.
My sanity included.
It's almost Christmas.
It's almost time.
Wednesday, November 9, 2016
End.
When I started this blog in January, I had these big hopes for this year. I have a similar entry with a similar intro sentence to this one, actually, a few months later, realizing how shitty it had become midway.
But I don't think I was ever mentally prepared enough to get to the point where I'm in at this very moment.
It's November, and with one month to go before the end of this year, 2016 has reached the top of my list as the worst year of my life. And that, my friends, is not an understatement.
I've never thought I'd experience hell in a bigger magnitude than 2008. Once again, I was proven wrong in that test. I guess life decided to challenge itself and see if it could top my first worst year of life. This year makes the other one seem like childs play.
I want to believe I'll be mentally strong enough to endure what's coming.
Tonight, a fucker who is not qualified to make government decisions has won office and so he holds my future at the bottom of his disgusting feet. We all know what's coming, at least the people in my situation anyway.
This is the end of many things.
There's a long post that I need to make in regards to my grandmother, but I will save it for another time.
For today, I will question nothing anymore. I will no longer wonder why or how we reached this stage.
All I hope is that I can have true peace one day. Maybe soon.
But I don't think I was ever mentally prepared enough to get to the point where I'm in at this very moment.
It's November, and with one month to go before the end of this year, 2016 has reached the top of my list as the worst year of my life. And that, my friends, is not an understatement.
I've never thought I'd experience hell in a bigger magnitude than 2008. Once again, I was proven wrong in that test. I guess life decided to challenge itself and see if it could top my first worst year of life. This year makes the other one seem like childs play.
I want to believe I'll be mentally strong enough to endure what's coming.
Tonight, a fucker who is not qualified to make government decisions has won office and so he holds my future at the bottom of his disgusting feet. We all know what's coming, at least the people in my situation anyway.
This is the end of many things.
There's a long post that I need to make in regards to my grandmother, but I will save it for another time.
For today, I will question nothing anymore. I will no longer wonder why or how we reached this stage.
All I hope is that I can have true peace one day. Maybe soon.
Thursday, October 6, 2016
Overdose.
I haven't had alot of time to breathe lately with so much going on around.
Also, there's the fact I haven't felt like updating. There's sometimes that I let myself forget that I'm trying to make progress and expressing myself and what I feel, and instead go back to doing the same thing I've been doing forever: Holding it everything inside like I can take it all.
Here's a bit of things that have been going on.
- My house has become host to not one, not two but three types of animals, with only my bun being welcomed................. There's a terrible feeling of having not only mice, BUT ALSO A HUGE UNKNOWN LIZARD running around my house, unattended, unashamed of it, not caring that because of it's awful presence, I'm obligated to sleep on my couch, away from the walls in fear it will crawl on my face or bed with me T_________________T............................
-Worked a wonderful 11 hour shift this week.
-Oh yes I haven't slept. Not more than 3 hours anyway.
-Stress stress stress....
-Oh yes have I said Stress yet?
-My grandma was unfortunately hospitalized for being on the verge of a heart attack. I was at work, in my 11 hour shift too, when I found out. So much stress ya'll. She's fine. She's ok but I'll always worry.
-I feel like I'll never have the freedom to rest.................
-My only escape has been playing Mystic Messenger and that in itself is bad because 1. It's super time consuming and 2. It makes me neglect other things, and that includes sleep. The things I do for these virtual boys.......................
-But I love Seven.
-And Zen.
-Fuckin assholes.
-I'm even writing a fic. I know I said I didn't know how I'd survive without ML until it's new season in May (
-I realized I've watched Parks and Rec like.................. 14 times over. I'll never get sick of this show. Even though the end sucks........
-I had an Opthamologist appointment today and I once again was reminded that I need glasses ahhhhh hahaha................................. yay more expenses.
-I hate my life. And myself. And everything.
-......... Ok but have I mentioned that I'm stressed and tired?
I think I'll just cut it short here. I know I had a purpose to post but nooooppppeeee that's not happening. I keep taking back my words. Sigh.
Toodles.
Also, there's the fact I haven't felt like updating. There's sometimes that I let myself forget that I'm trying to make progress and expressing myself and what I feel, and instead go back to doing the same thing I've been doing forever: Holding it everything inside like I can take it all.
Here's a bit of things that have been going on.
- My house has become host to not one, not two but three types of animals, with only my bun being welcomed................. There's a terrible feeling of having not only mice, BUT ALSO A HUGE UNKNOWN LIZARD running around my house, unattended, unashamed of it, not caring that because of it's awful presence, I'm obligated to sleep on my couch, away from the walls in fear it will crawl on my face or bed with me T_________________T............................
-Worked a wonderful 11 hour shift this week.
-Oh yes I haven't slept. Not more than 3 hours anyway.
-Stress stress stress....
-Oh yes have I said Stress yet?
-My grandma was unfortunately hospitalized for being on the verge of a heart attack. I was at work, in my 11 hour shift too, when I found out. So much stress ya'll. She's fine. She's ok but I'll always worry.
-I feel like I'll never have the freedom to rest.................
-My only escape has been playing Mystic Messenger and that in itself is bad because 1. It's super time consuming and 2. It makes me neglect other things, and that includes sleep. The things I do for these virtual boys.......................
-But I love Seven.
-And Zen.
-Fuckin assholes.
-I'm even writing a fic. I know I said I didn't know how I'd survive without ML until it's new season in May (
-I realized I've watched Parks and Rec like.................. 14 times over. I'll never get sick of this show. Even though the end sucks........
-I had an Opthamologist appointment today and I once again was reminded that I need glasses ahhhhh hahaha................................. yay more expenses.
-I hate my life. And myself. And everything.
-......... Ok but have I mentioned that I'm stressed and tired?
I think I'll just cut it short here. I know I had a purpose to post but nooooppppeeee that's not happening. I keep taking back my words. Sigh.
Toodles.
Wednesday, August 3, 2016
BLACK CAT.
When this year began, I had high hopes that it would be what dreams were made of. I religiously checked my horoscope and it promised grand things (Yes, I know it's all speculation and facade, but it's still fun) were to come as this year progressed. The Number 16 has always been my lucky number.
But unfortunately, it seems as if that was all wishful thinking.
I'm not sure on what to believe in anymore, in all honesty. I began this blog thinking that maybe, just maybe, it would be filled with good memories and pictures of adventures for the summer, my phobia bucketlist, plans for the upcoming school year, etc. In the end, it seems to be just like all my not public journals where it shows the massive amounts of stress and drama my life seems to have at all times.
So I thought that maybe I might just stop myself from writing all that drama and focusing on only the happy things life has to offer but....
....Would that even be sincere?
I don't want to pretend to have a happy life knowing that it isn't exactly as it is.
When it comes to talking about problems, I feel as if people think I exaggerate on the amount of issues one person can have. I am sad to say that nothing I tell is a lie. Yes, my life is this full of drama and despair. So I don't usually tell the whole world to what magnitude things are in fear of the pity. Only a few close friends know of the massive amounts of stress I harbor in every waking moment. It's something I wouldn't wish on even my worst enemy.
In the end, I try to remember all the things I once thought of as absolute and true.
Yes, this is still as major bullshit as it has always been but....
....Even that has an end.
The following are things that have been in the last couple of days and other random things as they have come.
-I will no longer be going to school for the fall as planned. Need the money for something else.
-The Boxer who sort of asked me out finally came around and asked me to hang out platonically which I'm super glad for. One down in that sense. The other friend who asked me out though is still extremely weird about it all and I have a feeling he won't be the same with me again.
-I ordered a wallet that was not delivered to my house and I'm unsure as to what to do. Ugh.
-The majority of the past 3 weeks have been one terrible day after the other. There was not one day that a customer didn't give me shit for things that were beyond my control or just them being illogical beyond belief. A woman STOLE from the store and made it seem like I had been the one who was at fault for her stupidity. Don't really know how much more of this I can take.
-But there is no choice in the matter and I must def need to look for a second job.
-I'm bored of the Pokemon game, as I expected I would be in the amount of time it took so I'm unsure of what to do with myself in all honesty.
-All I've done with my life the last weeks is read ML fanfics (mostly Marichat and Adrienette) and that's it. That's my entertainment. It's very sad.
-The speaker I used at work to listen to the radio so I don't have to sit in silence all day got fucked up so now I have to.... sit in silence again. With my head. This can't be good.
-I'm super low on funds and it won't matter how much money I try to save, it'll never be enough for anything. Sigh.
-I'm so sad seeing everyone going back to school and realizing that I can't go yet again. I'm getting old, man. I'm gonna be 28 next year and I haven't even gone for ONE semester to college. How's that for pathetic?
-Speaking of pathetic, guess who still talks about Superman like he's still there even though he's been gone for 5 months. Until when will I continue to stupidity.
-AU left. After all this time that I had been waiting to talk to him and when were starting to become friendly, he left. The day I bought him water from my store as a thank you, that was the last day I ever saw him. He hasn't returned since. That was last month I think.
-Another person who's leaving is my therapist. Next week is our last session. I'm terrible at saying goodbye....
-There's so much to do and so many numbers to call in regards to my mom. So many doctor visits to make to make sure every things alright. So many hospital bills to pay (mine, hers.) it's all so much in such little time....
-If it's not noticeable I'm just severely overwhelmed about it all. I keep dreaming that I can rest. It seems like it's just that. A Dream.
-I feel so bored without U-KISS promoting in Korea. I love them promoting in Japan and I love their Japanese releases but they promoting in Korea has always been so much more fun, so much more exciting. When they're not promoting, I don't have any music to look forward to. It's sad. I miss them. I miss it alot.
Sigh. I don't know what else to say.
Honestly, I'm trying my best to cope with everything. But it gets to me so much that things just never seem to go the right way. Not every waking moment of life is painful. Not every single second is pain. But it's just very overwhelming to expect peace and get none of that. It's so overwhelming to see the future so bleak. To see it so dark and hopeless. That's all I see in my head.
If I had a Miraculous, I'd had Chat Noirs. The bringer of bad luck. The power of destruction.
The Black Cat of bad luck.
And yes, this is me being Miraculous Trash.
But unfortunately, it seems as if that was all wishful thinking.
I'm not sure on what to believe in anymore, in all honesty. I began this blog thinking that maybe, just maybe, it would be filled with good memories and pictures of adventures for the summer, my phobia bucketlist, plans for the upcoming school year, etc. In the end, it seems to be just like all my not public journals where it shows the massive amounts of stress and drama my life seems to have at all times.
So I thought that maybe I might just stop myself from writing all that drama and focusing on only the happy things life has to offer but....
....Would that even be sincere?
I don't want to pretend to have a happy life knowing that it isn't exactly as it is.
When it comes to talking about problems, I feel as if people think I exaggerate on the amount of issues one person can have. I am sad to say that nothing I tell is a lie. Yes, my life is this full of drama and despair. So I don't usually tell the whole world to what magnitude things are in fear of the pity. Only a few close friends know of the massive amounts of stress I harbor in every waking moment. It's something I wouldn't wish on even my worst enemy.
In the end, I try to remember all the things I once thought of as absolute and true.
Yes, this is still as major bullshit as it has always been but....
....Even that has an end.
The following are things that have been in the last couple of days and other random things as they have come.
-I will no longer be going to school for the fall as planned. Need the money for something else.
-The Boxer who sort of asked me out finally came around and asked me to hang out platonically which I'm super glad for. One down in that sense. The other friend who asked me out though is still extremely weird about it all and I have a feeling he won't be the same with me again.
-I ordered a wallet that was not delivered to my house and I'm unsure as to what to do. Ugh.
-The majority of the past 3 weeks have been one terrible day after the other. There was not one day that a customer didn't give me shit for things that were beyond my control or just them being illogical beyond belief. A woman STOLE from the store and made it seem like I had been the one who was at fault for her stupidity. Don't really know how much more of this I can take.
-But there is no choice in the matter and I must def need to look for a second job.
-I'm bored of the Pokemon game, as I expected I would be in the amount of time it took so I'm unsure of what to do with myself in all honesty.
-All I've done with my life the last weeks is read ML fanfics (mostly Marichat and Adrienette) and that's it. That's my entertainment. It's very sad.
-The speaker I used at work to listen to the radio so I don't have to sit in silence all day got fucked up so now I have to.... sit in silence again. With my head. This can't be good.
-I'm super low on funds and it won't matter how much money I try to save, it'll never be enough for anything. Sigh.
-I'm so sad seeing everyone going back to school and realizing that I can't go yet again. I'm getting old, man. I'm gonna be 28 next year and I haven't even gone for ONE semester to college. How's that for pathetic?
-Speaking of pathetic, guess who still talks about Superman like he's still there even though he's been gone for 5 months. Until when will I continue to stupidity.
-AU left. After all this time that I had been waiting to talk to him and when were starting to become friendly, he left. The day I bought him water from my store as a thank you, that was the last day I ever saw him. He hasn't returned since. That was last month I think.
-Another person who's leaving is my therapist. Next week is our last session. I'm terrible at saying goodbye....
-There's so much to do and so many numbers to call in regards to my mom. So many doctor visits to make to make sure every things alright. So many hospital bills to pay (mine, hers.) it's all so much in such little time....
-If it's not noticeable I'm just severely overwhelmed about it all. I keep dreaming that I can rest. It seems like it's just that. A Dream.
-I feel so bored without U-KISS promoting in Korea. I love them promoting in Japan and I love their Japanese releases but they promoting in Korea has always been so much more fun, so much more exciting. When they're not promoting, I don't have any music to look forward to. It's sad. I miss them. I miss it alot.
Sigh. I don't know what else to say.
Honestly, I'm trying my best to cope with everything. But it gets to me so much that things just never seem to go the right way. Not every waking moment of life is painful. Not every single second is pain. But it's just very overwhelming to expect peace and get none of that. It's so overwhelming to see the future so bleak. To see it so dark and hopeless. That's all I see in my head.
If I had a Miraculous, I'd had Chat Noirs. The bringer of bad luck. The power of destruction.
The Black Cat of bad luck.
And yes, this is me being Miraculous Trash.
Friday, June 17, 2016
Leaf.
Summer has officially started it's infernal blaze and my city is not just an epicenter for massive amounts of flames in that hell, but also of a massive drought and water shortage.
God, have mercy on us all.
People who know me know that summer is my least favorite season of all. It's the time of the year that though I wish I could wear sleeveless shirts, or even short sleeved shirts, I cannot because of super sensitive skin. Instead, I am forced to wear light long sleeved sweaters or long sleeved shirts even if it's 106° F outside, which is what Monday is supposed to be like...... Yay.
Summer job, school & an old flame.
Recently I went to apply to a few places for a second job I desperately need. The expenses I have have increased and unfortunately, a part time is not enough. Thus, I went to apply at a few places, including the job of my old flame, AU. AU was my crush two years ago, a very sweet kid who has recently become a little warmer to me. We have a terrible history of awkwardness, mostly from my part for being cold and indifferent to him. I asked him about his job since they're hiring there and he warmly and nicely answered questions and told me to go for it. He's still an incredibly handsome kid, but my heart is still obviously still lingering for Superman. Today, he was the friendliest he's ever been to me on his own, asking about my day and shift and telling me about his without me having to initiate conversation. Hopefully this means we can finally be normal around each other without 600 layers of awkwardness. On the other hand, there's also the reality of the job search. I haven't heard back yet from them and I really wish it's just as another coworker of AU's said. Keeping my fingers crossed that it will take just a little bit. I'm in desperate need of more money for school OTL... if I'm unable to land a job in the next month, I will be obligated to, once again, delay my entrance to school because of money issues OTL..... Nevertheless, it's better to try all the way to the end and hope for the best in the long run. This week I had zero time off work. My usual resting day, I had to cover for my sweet coworker. He's covered for me so many times, it didn't take a second for me to say yes. Unfortunately I had to cancel plans with Jade, but I'm glad she's so understanding. Hopefully I get to see her soon.
The trouble with bunnies.
Usually Cats and Dogs are a common household companion. They're relatively easy and only require essential things, are capable to roam around freely after some training and will most likely be ok if taken care of. This is not the case for rabbits. For people who have never owned rabbits, it appears as if it's simple enough. Keep them caged and feed them carrots, water and let them be cute. But taking care of rabbits is difficult and also a bit stressful. There's alot of things that differ from taking care of a larger and usually more manageable creatures like a dog or a cat. Their diets are pretty flexible (not entirely but a bit more flexible) and exercise, love, caring, and freedom are quite required and encouraged. A Dog and a cat will even become so emotionally connected to you, like my darling friend Jenni's adorable cat, Tora, who is such a sweet little creature. I've spent nights in her house in which Tora would feel my discomfort and feel like I wake up in the middle of the night and she will come and keep me company, to soothe me into slumber. You will not get these sort of things with a small creature like a rabbit, guinea pig or ferret, especially not with rabbits. Where Dogs and cats can become trusting and strong creatures, rabbits are very, very fragile in every sense of the word. They are known for having an anxious nature because of their natural instinct of vulnerability and being hunted in the wild often as easy prey. It takes ALOT to earn the trust of a rabbit. One little thing and you have to start over from scratch so that fluffy little creature will remember you won't hurt it. Diet is also another difficult part. Rabbits have a very, very strict diet, with very specific ratios for each rabbit. There's so much they cannot eat, they have extremely sensitive digestive systems and even things they can eat they need to eat at moderate portions, excluding hay which they can have infinite amounts of. A Rabbit can become very sick very quickly, especially of digestive problems, and it might sometimes lead to death, so a good balanced diet is extremely important. Rabbits are sensitive with temperatures, especially hot weather. They need colder areas or cooling methods to stay cool especially in California weather. They also need companionship. Usually people who have rabbits have them in pairs. Unfortunately for us, my rabbit was actually a present my sisters boyfriend gave her, and instead of a pair, it was just the one tiny bunny. The two of them are irresponsible people, feeding excessive amounts of carrots and pellets, so she grew super quick and sort of unhealthy. So in order to maintain this defenseless animal alive, I took full custody of it and everything it requires. Rabbits need to run around alot too. They need to have an area and at least 4 hours of play time outside of a cage, room to stretch and clean water and hay all day. Investing in a good area for a rabbit is also expensive, since when a rabbit is outside into any living room or room in general, nothing is safe from it's sharp little claws and teeth. All in all, there's alot of rules to taking care of a rabbit.
But I love this tiny little creature so much. Champurrado (her name) is a tiny little ball of fluffy adorable love and though it's difficult work, I love seeing her run around and jump and sit, and petting her cute little head. I love coming home from work and seeing her put her little paws in the cage asking me to let her out. I love my little bun so much that it doesn't matter if it's difficult work. For me, she is an important companion and I will do my damnest to keep her healthy and around for as long as rabbit-ly possible. I know alot of the time people will see these creatures as indifferent because they can't come to you like a dog would if it senses you aren't feeling well. But I know deep down in that tiny little bun heart, she understands that I cherish and love her, and I feel like the trust she has in me is her way of saying she loves me too.
ANYWAY. I have alot to do still this week OTL Tomorrow I'm going out with a friend for her birthday and on Sunday I have to go buy fresh vegies at the farmers market again. I picked up my medicine, call maintenance about our door at home, finished my online orientation, still need to make a Vet appointment at the exotic animal hospital, arranged for Champurrado to have play dates with Dinner, the bun at my sister job. I have to buy market for the week, need to go to the asian super market since my mom loves miso soup and demands more. Have to go look for some flooring for the playpen area, gotta check up on the job applications, need to pay my moms phone bill and etc etc.................. so much to do and so little time.
Here's hoping things go well for us all.
ALSO BEFORE I FORGET. I'm 80% done with The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. It's still not interesting 80% in but I'm almost done. I 100% regret buying it and I will probably give it away for free the second I get the chance.
I have to shower and sleep. I'm beat. BEAT I tell's ya.
Toodles~
God, have mercy on us all.
People who know me know that summer is my least favorite season of all. It's the time of the year that though I wish I could wear sleeveless shirts, or even short sleeved shirts, I cannot because of super sensitive skin. Instead, I am forced to wear light long sleeved sweaters or long sleeved shirts even if it's 106° F outside, which is what Monday is supposed to be like...... Yay.
Summer job, school & an old flame.
Recently I went to apply to a few places for a second job I desperately need. The expenses I have have increased and unfortunately, a part time is not enough. Thus, I went to apply at a few places, including the job of my old flame, AU. AU was my crush two years ago, a very sweet kid who has recently become a little warmer to me. We have a terrible history of awkwardness, mostly from my part for being cold and indifferent to him. I asked him about his job since they're hiring there and he warmly and nicely answered questions and told me to go for it. He's still an incredibly handsome kid, but my heart is still obviously still lingering for Superman. Today, he was the friendliest he's ever been to me on his own, asking about my day and shift and telling me about his without me having to initiate conversation. Hopefully this means we can finally be normal around each other without 600 layers of awkwardness. On the other hand, there's also the reality of the job search. I haven't heard back yet from them and I really wish it's just as another coworker of AU's said. Keeping my fingers crossed that it will take just a little bit. I'm in desperate need of more money for school OTL... if I'm unable to land a job in the next month, I will be obligated to, once again, delay my entrance to school because of money issues OTL..... Nevertheless, it's better to try all the way to the end and hope for the best in the long run. This week I had zero time off work. My usual resting day, I had to cover for my sweet coworker. He's covered for me so many times, it didn't take a second for me to say yes. Unfortunately I had to cancel plans with Jade, but I'm glad she's so understanding. Hopefully I get to see her soon.
The trouble with bunnies.
Usually Cats and Dogs are a common household companion. They're relatively easy and only require essential things, are capable to roam around freely after some training and will most likely be ok if taken care of. This is not the case for rabbits. For people who have never owned rabbits, it appears as if it's simple enough. Keep them caged and feed them carrots, water and let them be cute. But taking care of rabbits is difficult and also a bit stressful. There's alot of things that differ from taking care of a larger and usually more manageable creatures like a dog or a cat. Their diets are pretty flexible (not entirely but a bit more flexible) and exercise, love, caring, and freedom are quite required and encouraged. A Dog and a cat will even become so emotionally connected to you, like my darling friend Jenni's adorable cat, Tora, who is such a sweet little creature. I've spent nights in her house in which Tora would feel my discomfort and feel like I wake up in the middle of the night and she will come and keep me company, to soothe me into slumber. You will not get these sort of things with a small creature like a rabbit, guinea pig or ferret, especially not with rabbits. Where Dogs and cats can become trusting and strong creatures, rabbits are very, very fragile in every sense of the word. They are known for having an anxious nature because of their natural instinct of vulnerability and being hunted in the wild often as easy prey. It takes ALOT to earn the trust of a rabbit. One little thing and you have to start over from scratch so that fluffy little creature will remember you won't hurt it. Diet is also another difficult part. Rabbits have a very, very strict diet, with very specific ratios for each rabbit. There's so much they cannot eat, they have extremely sensitive digestive systems and even things they can eat they need to eat at moderate portions, excluding hay which they can have infinite amounts of. A Rabbit can become very sick very quickly, especially of digestive problems, and it might sometimes lead to death, so a good balanced diet is extremely important. Rabbits are sensitive with temperatures, especially hot weather. They need colder areas or cooling methods to stay cool especially in California weather. They also need companionship. Usually people who have rabbits have them in pairs. Unfortunately for us, my rabbit was actually a present my sisters boyfriend gave her, and instead of a pair, it was just the one tiny bunny. The two of them are irresponsible people, feeding excessive amounts of carrots and pellets, so she grew super quick and sort of unhealthy. So in order to maintain this defenseless animal alive, I took full custody of it and everything it requires. Rabbits need to run around alot too. They need to have an area and at least 4 hours of play time outside of a cage, room to stretch and clean water and hay all day. Investing in a good area for a rabbit is also expensive, since when a rabbit is outside into any living room or room in general, nothing is safe from it's sharp little claws and teeth. All in all, there's alot of rules to taking care of a rabbit.
But I love this tiny little creature so much. Champurrado (her name) is a tiny little ball of fluffy adorable love and though it's difficult work, I love seeing her run around and jump and sit, and petting her cute little head. I love coming home from work and seeing her put her little paws in the cage asking me to let her out. I love my little bun so much that it doesn't matter if it's difficult work. For me, she is an important companion and I will do my damnest to keep her healthy and around for as long as rabbit-ly possible. I know alot of the time people will see these creatures as indifferent because they can't come to you like a dog would if it senses you aren't feeling well. But I know deep down in that tiny little bun heart, she understands that I cherish and love her, and I feel like the trust she has in me is her way of saying she loves me too.
ANYWAY. I have alot to do still this week OTL Tomorrow I'm going out with a friend for her birthday and on Sunday I have to go buy fresh vegies at the farmers market again. I picked up my medicine, call maintenance about our door at home, finished my online orientation, still need to make a Vet appointment at the exotic animal hospital, arranged for Champurrado to have play dates with Dinner, the bun at my sister job. I have to buy market for the week, need to go to the asian super market since my mom loves miso soup and demands more. Have to go look for some flooring for the playpen area, gotta check up on the job applications, need to pay my moms phone bill and etc etc.................. so much to do and so little time.
Here's hoping things go well for us all.
ALSO BEFORE I FORGET. I'm 80% done with The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. It's still not interesting 80% in but I'm almost done. I 100% regret buying it and I will probably give it away for free the second I get the chance.
I have to shower and sleep. I'm beat. BEAT I tell's ya.
Toodles~
Wednesday, June 8, 2016
Pity.
Lately, I've been feeling quite overwhelmed with all the things I should be doing and haven't been able to do yet.
I feel like I have so much to do and done nothing at all, eventhough I actually have done some things.
But one particular thing that's bothering me is that I feel extremely anxious alot. I know there's different levels of anxiety, but I feel this familiar monster, the one that does not allow me to sleep. The one that does not allow me a breath of fresh air. The one that tells me I cannot go farther than I have reached before. It's difficult controlling anxiety, especially when all you want to do is escape from the things that give you grief and pain. But alas it must be done for the sake of society. Sometimes not even for the sake of self, and that's the saddest part. They automatically deem you unfunctionable, but in reality, all you've ever wished for is just a break.
But even through that, I keep telling myself, somewhere in my heart, that maybe, maybe this will all be worth enduring. I know it's difficult, but I can't expect things to turn well if I don't believe it will happen. I would like to whole heartedly believe in the human spirit, the strength it can possess to survive.
Which leads to my point over all.
THE ABILITY TO ACCEPT DEFEAT.
Today I had to make a particular visit in order to continue having the limited health coverage I can get. As I sat there with a gentle older man as my social worker, he asked me about the urgency for my coverage. So naturally, I had to tell him of my illness and what it does to me. I sometimes think that when I tell people of my illness that they look at me and think I exaggerate it. But in reality, when people see the details and get the explanation to what it means and what it does, I only get looks of sympathy and pity. I've always hated pity, yet I am also sad to admit that Pity is what has gotten me things in life. I have such a "tragic" life in most peoples opinions. All this time, I realize I've only ever used that to get things in life. It's terrible to admit. But sometimes I tried to console myself by saying it was alright to use the sympathy of others to get things, to excuse the things that I have done wrong. And I'm ashamed of myself for it. Even now, I still think of all the times I did those things and regret it so much, because I used as a weapon something that has hurt me for so long. When I was diagnosed, I was in denial. I felt fine-ish. I felt like it wasn't a big deal. I never thought about how much it would affect me in the long run. I thought it wasn't a big deal. I thought this illness would be like my asthma, the one that if I just take it easy, it would be easy to control. But as time went by I realized how much more pain I was feeling. As it progresses and the diagnosis of other things joined it, I was very much enraged. After all, poor me, poor Alma, had already gone through such a "tragic" and "traumatizing" life that it just seemed unfair to add even more to it. I was enraged and I guess to this day, I can say I am enraged. I'm constantly angry about it. Asking God or anything really why it happened to me? Why is it always me? It felt like The higher powers out there had a personal grudge against me. I won't lie, I sometimes on days of excruciating pain, mentally, physically and etc. I sarcastically thank god for the wonderful life full of crap. It's a terrible cycle. It never allows me to see I have also been blessed with lots of things. But when you're in that dark place, it's difficult to see there is, was, or will be any light.
Over all, I realize that I'm still in denial. That I still refuse to accept that I'm sick. That I have not at all made peace with my illness and instead get angry at myself and everything and everyone around me for the things that are wrong with me.
But I think I should finally start thinking of admitting defeat.
Right?
After all, no matter how mad I get, no matter who I blame, it won't matter. I will still be sick every day for the rest of my life. So why be angry about it?
ANYWAY.
I will think of something less depressing to write about in the future, I hope. And I also hope that maybe there are good news for me soon. I'm a bit sick of the bad news ^^;;;;..............
Also Today is my day off. So I shall go binge watch things for the rest of the day.
Toodles~
I feel like I have so much to do and done nothing at all, eventhough I actually have done some things.
But one particular thing that's bothering me is that I feel extremely anxious alot. I know there's different levels of anxiety, but I feel this familiar monster, the one that does not allow me to sleep. The one that does not allow me a breath of fresh air. The one that tells me I cannot go farther than I have reached before. It's difficult controlling anxiety, especially when all you want to do is escape from the things that give you grief and pain. But alas it must be done for the sake of society. Sometimes not even for the sake of self, and that's the saddest part. They automatically deem you unfunctionable, but in reality, all you've ever wished for is just a break.
But even through that, I keep telling myself, somewhere in my heart, that maybe, maybe this will all be worth enduring. I know it's difficult, but I can't expect things to turn well if I don't believe it will happen. I would like to whole heartedly believe in the human spirit, the strength it can possess to survive.
Which leads to my point over all.
THE ABILITY TO ACCEPT DEFEAT.
Today I had to make a particular visit in order to continue having the limited health coverage I can get. As I sat there with a gentle older man as my social worker, he asked me about the urgency for my coverage. So naturally, I had to tell him of my illness and what it does to me. I sometimes think that when I tell people of my illness that they look at me and think I exaggerate it. But in reality, when people see the details and get the explanation to what it means and what it does, I only get looks of sympathy and pity. I've always hated pity, yet I am also sad to admit that Pity is what has gotten me things in life. I have such a "tragic" life in most peoples opinions. All this time, I realize I've only ever used that to get things in life. It's terrible to admit. But sometimes I tried to console myself by saying it was alright to use the sympathy of others to get things, to excuse the things that I have done wrong. And I'm ashamed of myself for it. Even now, I still think of all the times I did those things and regret it so much, because I used as a weapon something that has hurt me for so long. When I was diagnosed, I was in denial. I felt fine-ish. I felt like it wasn't a big deal. I never thought about how much it would affect me in the long run. I thought it wasn't a big deal. I thought this illness would be like my asthma, the one that if I just take it easy, it would be easy to control. But as time went by I realized how much more pain I was feeling. As it progresses and the diagnosis of other things joined it, I was very much enraged. After all, poor me, poor Alma, had already gone through such a "tragic" and "traumatizing" life that it just seemed unfair to add even more to it. I was enraged and I guess to this day, I can say I am enraged. I'm constantly angry about it. Asking God or anything really why it happened to me? Why is it always me? It felt like The higher powers out there had a personal grudge against me. I won't lie, I sometimes on days of excruciating pain, mentally, physically and etc. I sarcastically thank god for the wonderful life full of crap. It's a terrible cycle. It never allows me to see I have also been blessed with lots of things. But when you're in that dark place, it's difficult to see there is, was, or will be any light.
Over all, I realize that I'm still in denial. That I still refuse to accept that I'm sick. That I have not at all made peace with my illness and instead get angry at myself and everything and everyone around me for the things that are wrong with me.
But I think I should finally start thinking of admitting defeat.
Right?
After all, no matter how mad I get, no matter who I blame, it won't matter. I will still be sick every day for the rest of my life. So why be angry about it?
ANYWAY.
I will think of something less depressing to write about in the future, I hope. And I also hope that maybe there are good news for me soon. I'm a bit sick of the bad news ^^;;;;..............
Also Today is my day off. So I shall go binge watch things for the rest of the day.
Toodles~
Wednesday, June 1, 2016
Pain.
So it appears that my attempt at quitting my technology habit has been extremely unsuccesful. Not only is it intact and with no sign of being broken, it hasn't even been dented in the most microscopic way. The second I made my post with the rules, I broke them by checking my phone the second I went to lay down to sleep. Not cool, brain. Not cool at all. But in my defense right now U-KISS is having a come back and it's almost impossible for me to stay away from that OTL So I think I might just let myself wait a little longer to give it a legitimate try. In all honesty, right now the last thing I need is to add a guilt for something I know I can manage with just because I'm depriving myself of something that already gives me so much happiness.
Today has been an interesting day thus far. Every week, I only get one day off my job. Unfortunately, I have not used that day as a resting day for a very long time (resting day as in stay in and do nothing, binge watch, sleep etc etc.) and today was no exception. I woke up super early to join my friend in a job fair event which turned out to be a huge disappointment. There were few people and very few contractors there so I don't think much was gotten out of the whole ordeal so I think we might have over dressed entirely for the occasion OTL
The "So what?" Factor.
As things progressed through my day today, my discomfort grew. I'm the type of person who loves casual so much, I literally never get out of it without a true purpose. Sometimes when I feel like I have to and it's not a special occasion, as I dress up and put on make up, mascara, shoes and etc of things I don't wear constantly, I feel a feeling of anxiety and comparison lurking up at me. I feel as I walk down the street that people will laugh at me for being unattractive and attempting at being attractive looking by following things much more beautiful girls will do on a daily basis. For a plain and ugly person to try, my brain tells me, is pathetic and very sad. So I start feeling self conscious at the fact that other people can see my sad attempts at self esteem.
This is where the "So What?" Factor kicks.
Before the unfortunate incidents that happened in 2011, I had always believed that life is supposed to be led for your own happiness. For your sake, for your acceptance. I believed so strongly that I don't remember having a single crush on a guy that was stronger than just a feeling of "he's very handsome" or anything close to that. To me, before that time, my life was priceless. I felt like I had to live for me. So my casual attire and attempts at dressing up were accompanied with nothing. I walked up and down the street without a single care about who or what was there. There were many occasions where my sister would point out that people looked at me oddly, seeing me under-dressed for things in comparison to others, but I had never noticed before. Years later now at my age, I started to feel that inferiority quite strongly. As my sister blossomed into a confident girl, woman and now a mother, I felt my self esteem lessen and lessen and without a true recollection of a feeling of jealousy, I didn't know why. Over time, I realized that I had started to compare myself in age and beauty with other women, not in hatred, but in sadness and pity of myself. Now at 27, I am sad to admit that I feel inferior to every one. And I'd hate for this to be the rest of my life.
So what? is the question I will ask myself from now on every time I see a beautiful, slender young girl who passes my way and who I will undoubtedly compare myself with. You have to ask yourself in your head why those things matter. As I said, I had never before realized things like that mattered. It had never mattered to me before, what happened? I started valuing the lives of others more than my own is what happened. So that woman over there has a beautiful facial structure. So what? So that young girl over there has her whole life ahead of her. So what? So that beautiful female manager owns the heart of the man you like because she is confident, independent, unafraid of being herself and standing up for what she thinks is right. So What? So what is the question you have to remind yourself. Because those women are beautiful it doesn't mean anything to you, or the world. Their beauty alone doesn't define them, their personalities alone doesn't mean you're not worth anything. Their accomplishments shouldn't make you feel like you have accomplished nothing. So there will always be someone out there who seems to have it easier than you, ultimately everything can be ended with that same question.
In the end, I will continue to live my life on my own, with myself and I will have to make my own choices about whether I want to continue seeing myself as trash or treasure. And there's enough in comparisons in advertisements and TV. And there will always be comparisons in boyfriends, families, genes, economic status, race. There's always going to be something out there that will put a mold to what they think we should be and what we look like, and frankly, I've always found the ways of humanity way too stupid to follow. So if you don't look like everyone, you should consider yourself lucky instead. After all, there will be something about you that will stand out, while all these people who chase these standards of beauty and life will sadly always end up in the same mold.
Of course people who were to accidentally land on this post would think that it's something only "ugly and unsuccessful" people would say. But here's the thing. I've never hated another woman for being beautiful or successful, or for being smarter than I am. In fact, you should always see thesewomen, and people in general not as examples of what you should be, but of things that have been possible. Humans have always hated each other for the pettiest of things. Exactly for those reasons listed above, actually, and more. We always forget that we're all animals in the end and survival was the only original goal we've had in life since the beginning. Yet we hold in pedestals people who seem to have their lives together, who are blessed with things we can only ever dream of accomplishing. But we shouldn't curse these people or anyone. So if you're beautiful by the standards of society, Good. If you are successful in your career, in your personal life etc, Good. If you are happy with yourself and in the things that you do, that's even better. Be happy with you, because my shitty post won't mean anything, just as much as people who have called me ugly all my life have never meant anything. And if you aren't happy with the way you look because of society standards, ask yourself why you care. Ask yourself why it matters and you'll see that it really doesn't. You will be the person that will wake up every day with you, so just because one or even alot of people say you are undesirable, you have to remember that you make your own happiness.
So next time I come across any obstacle that makes me forget that none of this shit truly matters in the end, I'll just stop and ask myself the same damn thing.
So what?
Ugh, I'm entirely so annoyed at all the things I need to take care of....Here's a list of things that I have to take care of in the next couple of days:
-Pay phone bill
-Online orientation
-Placements assessments
-Resume
-Tutorials for comeback purschases and streaming
-52 week challenge savings OTL
-Michaels art supplies
-Cash check
-Mail Medical forms
-Medicine refills
-Meeting up with Jade
-Meeting up with Grace
-Grocery shopping
-Pay off credit card
-Champurrados new habitat and bed/toys/hay
-Champurrados Vet appointment
-Counselor appointment
-Scholarships applications
-FAF$A (unintentional money sign but it makes sense OTL
-Sort out summer clothes and winter clothes
-Study Drivers manual
-Appointment for optometrist
and etc etc.................................................................
I will continue to update this list as I finish it. But at the moment I just want to lay down and binge netflix...........
Toodles.
Today has been an interesting day thus far. Every week, I only get one day off my job. Unfortunately, I have not used that day as a resting day for a very long time (resting day as in stay in and do nothing, binge watch, sleep etc etc.) and today was no exception. I woke up super early to join my friend in a job fair event which turned out to be a huge disappointment. There were few people and very few contractors there so I don't think much was gotten out of the whole ordeal so I think we might have over dressed entirely for the occasion OTL
The "So what?" Factor.
As things progressed through my day today, my discomfort grew. I'm the type of person who loves casual so much, I literally never get out of it without a true purpose. Sometimes when I feel like I have to and it's not a special occasion, as I dress up and put on make up, mascara, shoes and etc of things I don't wear constantly, I feel a feeling of anxiety and comparison lurking up at me. I feel as I walk down the street that people will laugh at me for being unattractive and attempting at being attractive looking by following things much more beautiful girls will do on a daily basis. For a plain and ugly person to try, my brain tells me, is pathetic and very sad. So I start feeling self conscious at the fact that other people can see my sad attempts at self esteem.
This is where the "So What?" Factor kicks.
Before the unfortunate incidents that happened in 2011, I had always believed that life is supposed to be led for your own happiness. For your sake, for your acceptance. I believed so strongly that I don't remember having a single crush on a guy that was stronger than just a feeling of "he's very handsome" or anything close to that. To me, before that time, my life was priceless. I felt like I had to live for me. So my casual attire and attempts at dressing up were accompanied with nothing. I walked up and down the street without a single care about who or what was there. There were many occasions where my sister would point out that people looked at me oddly, seeing me under-dressed for things in comparison to others, but I had never noticed before. Years later now at my age, I started to feel that inferiority quite strongly. As my sister blossomed into a confident girl, woman and now a mother, I felt my self esteem lessen and lessen and without a true recollection of a feeling of jealousy, I didn't know why. Over time, I realized that I had started to compare myself in age and beauty with other women, not in hatred, but in sadness and pity of myself. Now at 27, I am sad to admit that I feel inferior to every one. And I'd hate for this to be the rest of my life.
So what? is the question I will ask myself from now on every time I see a beautiful, slender young girl who passes my way and who I will undoubtedly compare myself with. You have to ask yourself in your head why those things matter. As I said, I had never before realized things like that mattered. It had never mattered to me before, what happened? I started valuing the lives of others more than my own is what happened. So that woman over there has a beautiful facial structure. So what? So that young girl over there has her whole life ahead of her. So what? So that beautiful female manager owns the heart of the man you like because she is confident, independent, unafraid of being herself and standing up for what she thinks is right. So What? So what is the question you have to remind yourself. Because those women are beautiful it doesn't mean anything to you, or the world. Their beauty alone doesn't define them, their personalities alone doesn't mean you're not worth anything. Their accomplishments shouldn't make you feel like you have accomplished nothing. So there will always be someone out there who seems to have it easier than you, ultimately everything can be ended with that same question.
In the end, I will continue to live my life on my own, with myself and I will have to make my own choices about whether I want to continue seeing myself as trash or treasure. And there's enough in comparisons in advertisements and TV. And there will always be comparisons in boyfriends, families, genes, economic status, race. There's always going to be something out there that will put a mold to what they think we should be and what we look like, and frankly, I've always found the ways of humanity way too stupid to follow. So if you don't look like everyone, you should consider yourself lucky instead. After all, there will be something about you that will stand out, while all these people who chase these standards of beauty and life will sadly always end up in the same mold.
Of course people who were to accidentally land on this post would think that it's something only "ugly and unsuccessful" people would say. But here's the thing. I've never hated another woman for being beautiful or successful, or for being smarter than I am. In fact, you should always see thesewomen, and people in general not as examples of what you should be, but of things that have been possible. Humans have always hated each other for the pettiest of things. Exactly for those reasons listed above, actually, and more. We always forget that we're all animals in the end and survival was the only original goal we've had in life since the beginning. Yet we hold in pedestals people who seem to have their lives together, who are blessed with things we can only ever dream of accomplishing. But we shouldn't curse these people or anyone. So if you're beautiful by the standards of society, Good. If you are successful in your career, in your personal life etc, Good. If you are happy with yourself and in the things that you do, that's even better. Be happy with you, because my shitty post won't mean anything, just as much as people who have called me ugly all my life have never meant anything. And if you aren't happy with the way you look because of society standards, ask yourself why you care. Ask yourself why it matters and you'll see that it really doesn't. You will be the person that will wake up every day with you, so just because one or even alot of people say you are undesirable, you have to remember that you make your own happiness.
So next time I come across any obstacle that makes me forget that none of this shit truly matters in the end, I'll just stop and ask myself the same damn thing.
So what?
Ugh, I'm entirely so annoyed at all the things I need to take care of....Here's a list of things that I have to take care of in the next couple of days:
-Pay phone bill
-Online orientation
-Placements assessments
-Resume
-Tutorials for comeback purschases and streaming
-52 week challenge savings OTL
-Michaels art supplies
-Cash check
-Mail Medical forms
-Medicine refills
-Meeting up with Jade
-Meeting up with Grace
-Grocery shopping
-Pay off credit card
-Champurrados new habitat and bed/toys/hay
-Champurrados Vet appointment
-Counselor appointment
-Scholarships applications
-FAF$A (unintentional money sign but it makes sense OTL
-Sort out summer clothes and winter clothes
-Study Drivers manual
-Appointment for optometrist
and etc etc.................................................................
I will continue to update this list as I finish it. But at the moment I just want to lay down and binge netflix...........
Toodles.
Sunday, May 29, 2016
Solution.
It's been a rough couple of days.
Sometimes I feel myself being restless, even as I'm resting. I keep waking up in the middle of the night and being unable to go back to sleep because of anxiety, worrying about what will happen, what's coming, whats not, how I'll deal with it, who will help me, who won't, what the solution could be if I start now, whether it would matter if I started searching for it now or if it's something I just cannot change. Eventually, I end up waking up and checking my phone and trying to distract myself. Something I realize has become a terribly disgusting habit.
But first, I'd like to make a list of all the things I wish could stop happening and that I've been trying very hard to pretend are not bothering me. Let's play a little game called:
I wish:
-I wish that I didn't have to wake up with pain in the morning. Every. Single. Morning.
-I wish I didn't have to take so much fuckin medicine every day.
-I wish that medicine hadn't fucked up my stomach. There's so much crap I can't eat anymore just because these heavy meds fucked up the way I digest food, triggered acid reflux I never had and ultimately now, am unable to enjoy the food I loved. I've always loved food. This is the worse.
-I wish I could drink coffee again. I used to drink espresso shots and be fine. I used to drink cappuccinos, latte's, black coffee straight no sugar. Now I can't even drink black tea.
-I wish I didn't wake up in the middle of the night and ponder all the stupid things I can't change.
-I wish I could let go of people easy and painlessly. I'm tired of hanging on to people who could care less about me.
-I wish I had the confidence to live my life freely. To not care about what happens so much in the future and just live in the moment.
-I wish I had a support system around me that didn't physically and emotionally tire me out.
-I wish I could live alone without fear that I'm gonna die in my sleep, or that I'll have an accident, or that I won't be able to do even the most basic things one day.
-I wish I didn't wish I could find love. I'm already up there in age and I feel like an idiot for still expecting chivalry and an idiotic and sort of pathetic fair tale.
-Adding to above, I wish I didn't fall for people in general. Especially when everything that draws me to them are superficial things and expectations they cannot live up to.
-I wish I could have a happy family in general.
-I wish I didn't have to hear my parents arguing every fuckin day.
-I wish I could have a best friend I didn't feel I have to "Fix"
-I wish most of my closest friendships weren't started in the principle of me having to save them or myself or eachother. Misery loves company but I'm also really tired of this vicious cycle.
-I wish I could learn to drive and it wasn't so difficult.
-I wish I could see 20/20. I've never had a well functioning body but vision has always been the worse.
-I wish I didn't feel like everyone hates me.
-I wish I didn't have anxiety.
-I wish I could be confident about myself. Truly confident.
-I wish I could accept change easily. I wish I could understand that it's necessary to change to grow.
-I wish I could feel positive about the future. I really wish I didn't feel like I'm gonna fail every single thing I ever attempt on doing.
-I wish I could feel like someone cares about me without feeling like they expect something in return.
-Most importantly of all, I wish that I could be happy for once. True genuine untainted happiness.
I know alot of those things sound so sappy and depressing but hell these are my unfortunate feelings. I have struggled quite a few years to let some of these things go and I think I've managed to break a few of these things but I wish it was many more not just as many as I could count with one hand. I know self esteem and self love and self acceptance are all nice and good things we struggle through but sometimes, the things I truly wish for aren't for me to have the world accept me or for me to accept myself. I honestly truly truly wish the most that I could just be content on the road I have had, even if it's a hard one. And I appreciate all the things people have done for me along the way. I can't say I've had it terrible. Despite all the struggles and everything, I know I have things that I'm very happy to have in my life. But as it appears with everything, it comes at a price.
Technology rest.
As I mentioned earlier, it appears that the second I'm stuck in the cycles of my mind and everything that I have to struggle with on a day to day basis, I always turn to my phone or tablet. I've become so dependent in seeing a screen. Seeing the light in my phone in the middle of the night gives me something to think about. But I have come to thing this is extremely wrong. I do not want to be one of those people who depend on their phone to survive. I don't want to be the kind of person who depends so much in entertainment that they forget to live.
So for the next week I will be doing a technology rest. Here are the only rules I will follow. Nothing drastic, just enough.
1. The phone won't be used without an actual interaction. If someone isn't on the other side, there is no point to seeing it, checking it extensively and staying online refreshing pages.
2. Youtube, twitter, IG. All these things can wait. Only one window a day. An hour online is enough to catch up with the things you can see. U-KISS Teaser and streamings, browsing through tumblr, watching Youtube videos, all of that can wait. No using the tablet or computer without a point. (Netflix is excluded from this because for one, I don't watch that much Netflix.)
3. Remember that there are other things you can use your time with.
I have work and prepping for alot of things coming up. I'm annoyed. I'm tired. And I'm definitely not prepared. But I need to learn to relax.
I have to get ready for work now.
Toodles until tomorrow night, in which I will try doing something I've been planning for a while.
Sometimes I feel myself being restless, even as I'm resting. I keep waking up in the middle of the night and being unable to go back to sleep because of anxiety, worrying about what will happen, what's coming, whats not, how I'll deal with it, who will help me, who won't, what the solution could be if I start now, whether it would matter if I started searching for it now or if it's something I just cannot change. Eventually, I end up waking up and checking my phone and trying to distract myself. Something I realize has become a terribly disgusting habit.
But first, I'd like to make a list of all the things I wish could stop happening and that I've been trying very hard to pretend are not bothering me. Let's play a little game called:
I wish:
-I wish that I didn't have to wake up with pain in the morning. Every. Single. Morning.
-I wish I didn't have to take so much fuckin medicine every day.
-I wish that medicine hadn't fucked up my stomach. There's so much crap I can't eat anymore just because these heavy meds fucked up the way I digest food, triggered acid reflux I never had and ultimately now, am unable to enjoy the food I loved. I've always loved food. This is the worse.
-I wish I could drink coffee again. I used to drink espresso shots and be fine. I used to drink cappuccinos, latte's, black coffee straight no sugar. Now I can't even drink black tea.
-I wish I didn't wake up in the middle of the night and ponder all the stupid things I can't change.
-I wish I could let go of people easy and painlessly. I'm tired of hanging on to people who could care less about me.
-I wish I had the confidence to live my life freely. To not care about what happens so much in the future and just live in the moment.
-I wish I had a support system around me that didn't physically and emotionally tire me out.
-I wish I could live alone without fear that I'm gonna die in my sleep, or that I'll have an accident, or that I won't be able to do even the most basic things one day.
-I wish I didn't wish I could find love. I'm already up there in age and I feel like an idiot for still expecting chivalry and an idiotic and sort of pathetic fair tale.
-Adding to above, I wish I didn't fall for people in general. Especially when everything that draws me to them are superficial things and expectations they cannot live up to.
-I wish I could have a happy family in general.
-I wish I didn't have to hear my parents arguing every fuckin day.
-I wish I could have a best friend I didn't feel I have to "Fix"
-I wish most of my closest friendships weren't started in the principle of me having to save them or myself or eachother. Misery loves company but I'm also really tired of this vicious cycle.
-I wish I could learn to drive and it wasn't so difficult.
-I wish I could see 20/20. I've never had a well functioning body but vision has always been the worse.
-I wish I didn't feel like everyone hates me.
-I wish I didn't have anxiety.
-I wish I could be confident about myself. Truly confident.
-I wish I could accept change easily. I wish I could understand that it's necessary to change to grow.
-I wish I could feel positive about the future. I really wish I didn't feel like I'm gonna fail every single thing I ever attempt on doing.
-I wish I could feel like someone cares about me without feeling like they expect something in return.
-Most importantly of all, I wish that I could be happy for once. True genuine untainted happiness.
I know alot of those things sound so sappy and depressing but hell these are my unfortunate feelings. I have struggled quite a few years to let some of these things go and I think I've managed to break a few of these things but I wish it was many more not just as many as I could count with one hand. I know self esteem and self love and self acceptance are all nice and good things we struggle through but sometimes, the things I truly wish for aren't for me to have the world accept me or for me to accept myself. I honestly truly truly wish the most that I could just be content on the road I have had, even if it's a hard one. And I appreciate all the things people have done for me along the way. I can't say I've had it terrible. Despite all the struggles and everything, I know I have things that I'm very happy to have in my life. But as it appears with everything, it comes at a price.
Technology rest.
As I mentioned earlier, it appears that the second I'm stuck in the cycles of my mind and everything that I have to struggle with on a day to day basis, I always turn to my phone or tablet. I've become so dependent in seeing a screen. Seeing the light in my phone in the middle of the night gives me something to think about. But I have come to thing this is extremely wrong. I do not want to be one of those people who depend on their phone to survive. I don't want to be the kind of person who depends so much in entertainment that they forget to live.
So for the next week I will be doing a technology rest. Here are the only rules I will follow. Nothing drastic, just enough.
1. The phone won't be used without an actual interaction. If someone isn't on the other side, there is no point to seeing it, checking it extensively and staying online refreshing pages.
2. Youtube, twitter, IG. All these things can wait. Only one window a day. An hour online is enough to catch up with the things you can see. U-KISS Teaser and streamings, browsing through tumblr, watching Youtube videos, all of that can wait. No using the tablet or computer without a point. (Netflix is excluded from this because for one, I don't watch that much Netflix.)
3. Remember that there are other things you can use your time with.
I have work and prepping for alot of things coming up. I'm annoyed. I'm tired. And I'm definitely not prepared. But I need to learn to relax.
I have to get ready for work now.
Toodles until tomorrow night, in which I will try doing something I've been planning for a while.
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