Hop.

I've been having a hard time writing. I feel no creative juices happening. SO. Instead of doing the pointless job of trying to make a theme to write about like I do when I'm feeling more inspired, I'm just gonna post a survey, like I used to do in my LJ.

But first, here's a few random little things. Not many, just honorary mentions.
-I met my new therapist this week. She's lovely. I'm very much happy with the transfer.
-Attempting to apply at two jobs part time. Please, life or whoever reads this, wish me luck for good things to come.
-I have a terrible swollen gum and I can't eat well. Great.
-Healthy eating is going poorly, but still going Pfffffffft.
-I'm enjoying Elnaz's life way too much RN LOL
-Still miraculous trash, enough so I'm gonna go buy that stupid toy Yo-Yo.
-OTL I really want to buy a new laptop because I'm so tired of seeing the tiny screen on this cute little tablet. I miss full size PC's. And being to load shit. And download shit. And make shit work. And PC shit in general. SIGH.

WITHOUT FURTHER DELAYS NOW,

THE (SEMI)MID YEAR SURVEY.
What Has Been Your Biggest Regret?
So far I think it's been procrastinating my entrance to school OTL OTL I have been saying that I'd go to school for so long that it's lost all meaning to anyone to hear I'm trying to enroll, again.

The One Thing You Are Most Proud Of?
I guess that I finally was able to tell the one person I love that I love him? Even if it ended with rejection, it at least ended nicely.

Single Most Memorable Moment?
Oh I was gonna say there's been nothing eventful but honestly, the birth of my nephew is still the most memorable so far~

The Drink Of This Year?
POWERADE. AND IT WAS, IS AND ALWAYS WILL BE TBH.

Get Any Scars?
Lots. Scratches from the Bun.

Your Favourite Song For This Year?
STALKER. I LOVE STALKER (By U-KISS of course hehe). Though honestly it's hard to pick because I really like these particular three: Stalker, Out of my Life, The Miraculous Ladybug theme song in English, Korean (by Fiestar, no less) and French @_@
One Shot One Kill almost in this list as well but THE OTHER THREE. I CAN LISTEN TO ALL DAY.

One Moment From This Year That You Want To Relive..?
OTL The last time I saw him. I wish he hadn't gone to see me when it was so busy. I wanted to wish him luck myself in person and hug him one last time.

Relationships.. Just... Need I Say Any More..?
Nope. NOOOOOPEEE *SKIPS*

One Thing From This Year (good or bad) That Will Always Stay With You?
Them. AU and Superman. Their pressence in general was really impactful to my life. It's difficult to explain, but I think eventhough it was short lived, they will leave a strong impression on me for a long time.

One Time You Really Cried?
I cried alot seeing my sister distressed. That was really awful.

Naughtiest Thing You've Done :p ?
I'm not really sure O_O I'm a good girl yo rofl

One Time You Really Felt Like A Failiure?
When I couldn't even get a job at a mediocre place with mediocre people =_____=

Fallen In Love?
I guess not. I've had of crushes, and usually they're pretty intense crushes, but eventhough I say I love/d Superman, I know that's not love. It's just infatuation. So no.

Have You Stayed In love!?
^ previous Q & A

Done An All Nighter?
Lots. Unintentionally too OTL

Murdered Someone And Fled To Mexico?
I'd be in jail for sure already if that were the case LOL *terrible liar*

Honestly.. How Much Money Have You Spent On Random Crap?
LOTS. LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTTTTTTTTTTTSSSSSSSSS. I can't even explain I mean- Jesus. I have a problem.

Funniest Moment :D ?
I HAVE NO CLUE. I HAVE A TERRIBLE SENSE OF HUMOR SO THIS SHOULD BE EASY BUT INSTEAD I'M BLANKING OUT.

Someone That You Really Miss?
I miss my best friends. I miss hanging out with my girls.

Any Real Real Bad Mistakes?
Well there's so much to regret but I'm so cautious and afraid to make mistakes that there hasn't been, thankfully, any with large scale consequences... I hope it stays that way cuz I'm a coward rofl...

Someone You Have Come To Hate This Year?
Not really. I hate everyone equally....

Your Lowest Moment..?
Not sure... again, I'm cautious as fuck (in other words, boring)

Your Highest Moment (naturally :p) ?
That confession rofl I swear to god I am the biggest coward ever. It's so difficult to understand for some people how I can seem so "confident" but I'm basically the biggest wuss to have ever lived. This confession is my proudest moment, I think in life. It's also point one of my Phobia Bucket list and I did it and i'm so happy xD

Have You Broken Something Valuable?
Not really, nah.

Had Your Heart Broken?
Not heart broken. YOU NEED A HEART FOR THAT HAHAHAHAHA *shot*

Made Someone Cry?
I think mostly my mom and sister OTL I'm an awful person...

Broken Someone Else's Heart?
I hope not >____< I mean, I think in a way yeah but in another I just hope it's not that serious rofl....

Created A Real Bad Awkward Silence..? How?
Not really. Silence isn't awkward to me so I try not to make it awkward for others by not being silent in general rofl.... *makes sense in my head*

Have You Left The Country?
Sadly no :(

Did You Learn Any Really Valuble Lessons?
I think it might only that which has to do with feelings. It's difficult to say but I've talked about it enough that I don't think anything longer than "Things happen for a reason" is neccessary to say.

Haha.. One Moment From This Year That You REALLY Want On Film?
A compilation of ALL my awkward moments with AU. Those were good moments ROFL

Have You Had A Near Death Experience?
Nope. And I hope that never happens LOL

Out Of Body Experience?
Nope....

One Life Changing Moment?
Again, that one moment when I forgot I'm a wuss LOL

Was This Year Happier For You Than Last Year?
Nope, not at all. 2015 was such a wonderful year to me. So many emotions, so many things. So many people and changes that were exciting and new. It was a breath of fresh air after years of dull ache and boredom. 2015 was a year that brought back something I didn't think I would ever have again. So far 2016, which I thought was gonna be even better, doesn't hold a candle to 2015. Instead it's left me on the painstaking path of boredom once more.

Go On.. It's Gotta Be Done ;P .. Rate This Year Out Of 10
So far it's a 5.

Been Arrested.. Or Come Close?
Nope.

Got Yourself Into An Awkward Situation?
Lots of times LOL....

This Years Most Painful Moment?
Again. My sister's situation was pretty bad.

A Really Powerful Image For You?
I'm not sure, actually O_O....

One Awesome Band You Discovered This Year?
Why would I need that though when I HAVE U-KISS. ;DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

C'mon.. :D .. Most Embarrasing Moment?
OTL OTL OTL OTL..... Where to even start. I get plenty of those often. I'm just one walking embarrassing moment tbh

Met Anyone Famous?
Nah. I'm not cool like that I guess LOL

One Moment Where You Really Screwed Up Bad?
I fuck up alot so it's hard to say rofl O_O

Favourite Movie From This Year?
Nothing from theaters since I don't watch alot of movies to begin with, but I myself just watched Madoka Magica the Movie "Rebellion" SIGH I love this series and I love this movie.

Made Any Really Good Friends?
So far I'm pretty happy I got to meet my friends Doug and Grace. Doug especially has become my best friend.

Made Yourself An Arch Nemesis?
I hope not >____<

One Thing You Wish You Could Just Forget?
Them. Him especially.

If You Could Turn Back Time To This Moment One Year Ago.. Would You?
No. I remember I was very sad because of AU at this time last year. I was so afraid he'd leave and at the time, I thought that was the worse that could happen. Scary how things change....

A Quote From This Year?
"If I can't bring down heaven, then I will raise hell."

The Most Expensive Thing You Bought?
.............................that 40 buck Sailor moon keychain was pretty pricey for it's size.

A Time You Fell Straight On Your Ass..?
I went to get my blood drawn and got dizzy and fell LOL....

Went To Say Something That Came Out Wrong?
Oh, LOADS. Customer service is awful when you think too fast for your mouth to catch up so you end up slurring and saying gibberish...

Learnt To Play An Instrument?
Nope :( Though I practiced Piano for a bit on my own hehe

Resolutuons For Next Year..? (Yeah I Know We Never Keep 'Em.
UGH I don't even know..... I'll write that down if I think of some when this year ends (It's still Aug. I'll do this survey again in December IGPUL.)

Sum Up This Year In A Few Words?
A piece of shit.

And Now For Your End Of Year Speech :D .. Go For It...

THAT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN TIL THIS YEAR ACTUALLY ENDS.

Ok I'm gonna sleep because, why not. It's a thing that people do.

TOODLES.

Pain.

So it appears that my attempt at quitting my technology habit has been extremely unsuccesful. Not only is it intact and with no sign of being broken, it hasn't even been dented in the most microscopic way. The second I made my post with the rules, I broke them by checking my phone the second I went to lay down to sleep. Not cool, brain. Not cool at all. But in my defense right now U-KISS is having a come back and it's almost impossible for me to stay away from that OTL So I think I might just let myself wait a little longer to give it a legitimate try. In all honesty, right now the last thing I need is to add a guilt for something I know I can manage with just because I'm depriving myself of something that already gives me so much happiness.

Today has been an interesting day thus far. Every week, I only get one day off my job. Unfortunately, I have not used that day as a resting day for a very long time (resting day as in stay in and do nothing, binge watch, sleep etc etc.) and today was no exception. I woke up super early to join my friend in a job fair event which turned out to be a huge disappointment. There were few people and very few contractors there so I don't think much was gotten out of the whole ordeal so I think we might have over dressed entirely for the occasion OTL

The "So what?" Factor.
As things progressed through my day today, my discomfort grew. I'm the type of person who loves casual so much, I literally never get out of it without a true purpose. Sometimes when I feel like I have to and it's not a special occasion, as I dress up and put on make up, mascara, shoes and etc of things I don't wear constantly, I feel a feeling of anxiety and comparison lurking up at me. I feel as I walk down the street that people will laugh at me for being unattractive and attempting at being attractive looking by following things much more beautiful girls will do on a daily basis. For a plain and ugly person to try, my brain tells me, is pathetic and very sad. So I start feeling self conscious at the fact that other people can see my sad attempts at self esteem.

This is where the "So What?" Factor kicks.

Before the unfortunate incidents that happened in 2011, I had always believed that life is supposed to be led for your own happiness. For your sake, for your acceptance. I believed so strongly that I don't remember having a single crush on a guy that was stronger than just a feeling of "he's very handsome" or anything close to that. To me, before that time, my life was priceless. I felt like I had to live for me. So my casual attire and attempts at dressing up were accompanied with nothing. I walked up and down the street without a single care about who or what was there. There were many occasions where my sister would point out that people looked at me oddly, seeing me under-dressed for things in comparison to others, but I had never noticed before. Years later now at my age, I started to feel that inferiority quite strongly. As my sister blossomed into a confident girl, woman and now a mother, I felt my self esteem lessen and lessen and without a true recollection of a feeling of jealousy, I didn't know why. Over time, I realized that I had started to compare myself in age and beauty with other women, not in hatred, but in sadness and pity of myself. Now at 27, I am sad to admit that I feel inferior to every one. And I'd hate for this to be the rest of my life.

So what? is the question I will ask myself from now on every time I see a beautiful, slender young girl who passes my way and who I will undoubtedly compare myself with. You have to ask yourself in your head why those things matter. As I said, I had never before realized things like that mattered. It had never mattered to me before, what happened? I started valuing the lives of others more than my own is what happened. So that woman over there has a beautiful facial structure. So what? So that young girl over there has her whole life ahead of her. So what? So that beautiful female manager owns the heart of the man you like because she is confident, independent, unafraid of being herself and standing up for what she thinks is right. So What? So what is the question you have to remind yourself. Because those women are beautiful it doesn't mean anything to you, or the world. Their beauty alone doesn't define them, their personalities alone doesn't mean you're not worth anything. Their accomplishments shouldn't make you feel like you have accomplished nothing. So there will always be someone out there who seems to have it easier than you, ultimately everything can be ended with that same question.

In the end, I will continue to live my life on my own, with myself and I will have to make my own choices about whether I want to continue seeing myself as trash or treasure. And there's enough in comparisons in advertisements and TV. And there will always be comparisons in boyfriends, families, genes, economic status, race. There's always going to be something out there that will put a mold to what they think we should be and what we look like, and frankly, I've always found the ways of humanity way too stupid to follow. So if you don't look like everyone, you should consider yourself lucky instead. After all, there will be something about you that will stand out, while all these people who chase these standards of beauty and life will sadly always end up in the same mold.

Of course people who were to accidentally land on this post would think that it's something only "ugly and unsuccessful" people would say. But here's the thing. I've never hated another woman for being beautiful or successful, or for being smarter than I am. In fact, you should always see thesewomen, and  people in general not as examples of what you should be, but of things that have been possible. Humans have always hated each other for the pettiest of things. Exactly for those reasons listed above, actually, and more. We always forget that we're all animals in the end and survival was the only original goal we've had in life since the beginning. Yet we hold in pedestals people who seem to have their lives together, who are blessed with things we can only ever dream of accomplishing. But we shouldn't curse these people or anyone. So if you're beautiful by the standards of society, Good. If  you are successful in your career, in your personal life etc, Good. If you are happy with yourself and in the things that you do, that's even better. Be happy with you, because my shitty post won't mean anything, just as much as people who have called me ugly all my life have never meant anything. And if you aren't happy with the way you look because of society standards, ask yourself why you care. Ask yourself why it matters and you'll see that it really doesn't. You will be the person that will wake up every day with you, so just because one or even alot of people say you are undesirable, you have to remember that you make your own happiness.

So next time I come across any obstacle that makes me forget that none of this shit truly matters in the end, I'll just stop and ask myself the same damn thing.

So what? 

Ugh, I'm entirely so annoyed at all the things I need to take care of....Here's a list of things that I have to take care of in the next couple of days:

-Pay phone bill
-Online orientation
-Placements assessments
-Resume
-Tutorials for comeback purschases and streaming
-52 week challenge savings OTL
-Michaels art supplies
-Cash check
-Mail Medical forms
-Medicine refills
-Meeting up with Jade
-Meeting up with Grace
-Grocery shopping
-Pay off credit card
-Champurrados new habitat and bed/toys/hay
-Champurrados Vet appointment
-Counselor appointment
-Scholarships applications
-FAF$A (unintentional money sign but it makes sense OTL
-Sort out summer clothes and winter clothes
-Study Drivers manual
-Appointment for optometrist

and etc etc.................................................................

I will continue to update this list as I finish it. But at the moment I just want to lay down and binge netflix...........

Toodles.