NOISE.

The unfortunate circumstances of life has led to a complete halt of my promised blogging. Even though not as consistent as I had promised myself to be, it's even worse now for the one tragic reason I never thought I'd say.

I. HAVE. NO. COMPUTER.

Ok that's not entirely true, but it's more like, I have no actual functioning computer. Not even a desktop. Unfortunately, and the one I'm using to type up this message, this old man computer is the only thing available in the house. It's an old, very very old computer, with an old windows system (long forgotten by me) is what I like to call "well loved". Translation would have it as over used, with the keys already rubbed off from all the letters because of endless hours and memories of skype sessions, video chats and lots and lots of time on the old MSN messenger. Ah, time flies by. There was a time when I couldn't imagine my life outside the 5th wall of technology. Now, I so rarely have time to even browse around, succumbing to only checking on my phone.

Time flies by.

Anyway, I am extremely bummed at my lack of computer since there's so much I need to do, so much I want to help with, and projects coming up. It's almost the birthday's of my two favorite people in the world, Shin Soohyun of U-KISS and Kim Minseok of EXO, my two adorable biases. And I'm so so so so SO SO SO SO SO hoping I can have a computer before those days, because no matter how much I want to seem like a grown adult, I'm still trash for my Korean pop music.

And on that note, this is something that has been bothering me for so long now.

The idol life's dilemma.
It's no secret to those who know me and those around me that I love Asian music, incomprehensible to people who see my playlists and come across it. They give me puzzling looks of disbelief, wondering why in the world I bother to listen to music I can't understand. The answer is very simple. I LIKE THE RHYTHM. It was all a complete coincidence, and another story as to why I ended up swept up in the charts of Asian music, and specifically Korean Music. Long story short, it was actually because of my love for Japanese music that I discovered Korean Music (and unrelatedly, Chinese music as well) around 14 years ago.

And through these genres, I've stuck with K-pop music the most, even though I will always find their ways of handling entertainment figures a tad bit either exaggerating or cruel. But out of all the things that happen, there's the dreaded two year mandatory military enlistment that every male, no matter how rich or famous has to go through before the age of 30. Normally, in most countries, it goes unperceived and passes quickly, Korea being no exception. But being swept off as I am, and with my current favorite people as they stand, I can't help but think of the major differences between them, as well as the whole picture for being a star.

I find it a bit heart breaking over and over, not just in K-pop but in general. Over time, we come across people who's music we love. Who's voices and lyrics have changed the world. There are people who's presence and achievements inspire us to do something, anything really. And yet as years roll by, we realize how easy it is to forget them as well. When I started listening to this particular genre in Korea, I was caught up by the catchy tunes and fancy synchronized dancing, beautiful men and women in groups of four or five going around the world and filling stadiums and other places. And yet now, those same legendary groups and people who were once so popular, and though still loved all over the world, are replaced by the younger generation, as is the way of life. The old groups are replaced by the groups of today and the once legendary groups have to remind fans of younger groups how the struggles of their own groups helped pave the way for these younger groups to go internationally famous. And there is nothing wrong with having new groups replace older groups, as I mentioned, it's the way of life and there will be nothing we can do to stop that from happening. But I find it very melancholic, wondering if when people start off their careers at the age of 15-16 and knowing their time in the spotlight is only limited to their youth, were they will reach their peak only to be outshined a few years later.

As Soohyun and Minseok's enlistments approach, since they're both reaching 28 and 27 respectively, no matter how much I want to not think about it, the differences in the status' is ridiculously high and I'm sad to think of what will happen in the future. Soohyun in particular has been my absolute favorite person in the world for over 8 years. I'm hoping that life allows him to continue to shine on stage, just like he likes; just like I know he wants to for years to come. As for Minseok, I'm not as worried. Minseok and EXO have a huge following that I believe will follow him as long as he wants to be on stage, maybe downsizing a bit as years pass by, but loyal and big just the same. But only if he chooses. Who knows what the future will hold for him as well.

Anywhooo, after these depressing thoughts about my favorite people and stuff, I think I'll go look around for computers x_____x

TOODLES.

Butterfly.

The past two weeks have been.... challenging to say the very least. Lots going on surrounding family life and attempts at social life. Outings, birthdays, congratulations and farewells.

It's a bit overwhelming.

The motivation with which I started to write in this blog ended just as quickly as it began. Even so, It's not a difficult thing to do so I took it upon myself to plan on writing today. Here are a few thoughts that have bothered/been with me for the past few days.

1. The unavoidable crush heartache, moving on and memories
So I've talked endlessly to various friends about a person who I have/had a massive infatuation with the past year, to the point where I confessed my feelings to him and he kindly rejected me. It's been a bothersome journey of that from beginning to end, and though things ended much calmer and nicer than I had expected, I find myself unable to move on from his memory alone. So my friend had the idea that every time I think about it him strongly, I have to put a dollar in a jar. This started Monday, and I already have $30 bucks for said jar (It's 12AM Thursday now..) so I'm pretty screwed apparently. Even so, I tend to react and remember him so randomly that now when I do, it doesn't feel clear anymore. I sort of feel like I'm more in love with his memory and the perception he left me than I was of him in general. And he's a good guy, not perfect, but good, but I put him in an impossible pedestal like I do with almost everyone and that's a terrible thing to do. When you come across a person in life that brings you so much joy, you better believe they'll give you equal amounts of that misery if they do not feel the same way about you, romantically or even as just friends. Personally, I understand that my own feelings for people are much more intense than they understand; that they don't see the volcano's full size and only get a peek at the top where it's seen as a silent and dead natural time bomb, but the turmoil is just building up the more I feel about people, friends, family, relationships. I'm thankful in the end for alot of the experiences I have with people but I always end up also having just as much resentment for them that it sadly becomes a bit of a destructive path in which cutting off any ties with someone who meant the world to you at some point is the only solution. I so terribly would love to end this terrible cycle. So I'm glad that I have only good memories of him and I hope that when the time comes for me to move on, and if I do see him again, that I'll be happy and not in a terrible despair at just the mention of his memory.

2. Babies, Bunnies and Survival of the fittest.
My nephew was born two weeks ago on Mothers day and he's a tiny bundle of Joy who looks nothing like either parent. Our house suddenly is filled with baby things: Diapers, cribs, little clothes, little sounds. We have another baby in the family already prior to my nephew, my baby cousin who is 5 months his senior, as well as a baby bunny who is also 5 months old. It seems to be that life revolves around these tiny creatures and though it's lovely having a childs laughter around and an adorable little ball of fluff running around, it's a bit tiring since I don't have the same energy I had when I was younger. Still, I'm so happy when I come home from work and see my little bundle of fluffy joy (my bunny) and waking up and seeing my tiny cousin sleeping soundly with her tiny arms extended and breathing silently. It's almost peaceful, actually, though it's nothing but chaos. Unfortunately, it seems like it's not the same when it comes to dealing with other people my age. Only time will tell how it will go when I finally get to talk to the cause of so much annoyance and disturbance in my house. Fingers crossed for the best.

3. Disappointments and random happenings of the week. 
I recently spoke more extensively with a person who I've talked to for a while and we exchanged numbers as well as a few thoughts. He's a very nice guy who I'd love to be friends with. But today after he called me and asked me if I wanted to join him and his friends for drinks, to which I declined, I feel like he'll probably dislike me for my prude nature. But Honestly, the only thing I thought about as I was being told was in what way I can make him understand that I'm not that type of person, the type of person who enjoys going to parties and drinking. That's never been me and I'd hate to change myself just so other people will like me. It doesn't make sense. In the end, it doesn't matter that much for me to change for other people because there's not much to work with for me originally as it is. But I'd be damned if I let people believe I'm something I am not. Hopefully he will still be ok with it and if he's not, too bad but I'm not about to be anything someone else wants me to be.

Here's a few things for the week:
-I'm almost done with howls moving castle (the book)! The story is very different from the Ghibli film, and though I love the film, I really like the book much better, as if it made more sense. I really do enjoy the differences the characters have. The Book seems to have a much deeper meaning than the movie itself. It seems as if in the HM film, Sophie really looked down on herself, telling herself that she was ugly. In the book, it's much more established that Sophie looks down on herself because she was taught she would fail for being the oldest. Also Howl is much more complex in the book. The movie Howl was so prince like, like the perfect dream guy with a dark secret. But the book Howl is sarcastic and funny and sassy and with much more personality. It's interesting.
-I'm still in debt in my credit card even though i JUST paid my debt OTL
-Yet I keep buying stuff OTL
-I'm not quite sure what organ has failed me more, my stomach or my brain. I'm just gonna say they're a team by this point.
-Every day my phone becomes weaker
-The Piano is not always a nice instrument
-I got serenaded by my two guard friends. Everyone at work I know is insane, a certain cashier included.
-if I have to hear ONE. MORE. TIME about my crush's crush I will quit my job. I swear. It's obnoxious, I get the damn picture.
-I have not done a minute of exercise. Kill me nao.
-I fucked up at work so much this week I think I might not need to quit my job lol................
-I'm still terrible with kids
-My Bottle is here but it smells like crap. :(
-SHIN SOOHYUN AND HIS NEPHEW JUNSEO GIVE ME LIFE. THANK YOU @ JESUS.

Another Midnight and I'm still awake. Time to sleep and hope tomorrow I'll still have income.

Toodles.