BLACK CAT.

When this year began, I had high hopes that it would be what dreams were made of. I religiously checked my horoscope and it promised grand things (Yes, I know it's all speculation and facade, but it's still fun) were to come as this year progressed. The Number 16 has always been my lucky number.

But unfortunately, it seems as if that was all wishful thinking.

I'm not sure on what to believe in anymore, in all honesty. I began this blog thinking that maybe, just maybe, it would be filled with good memories and pictures of adventures for the summer, my phobia bucketlist, plans for the upcoming school year, etc. In the end, it seems to be just like all my not public journals where it shows the massive amounts of stress and drama my life seems to have at all times.

So I thought that maybe I might just stop myself from writing all that drama and focusing on only the happy things life has to offer but....

....Would that even be sincere?

I don't want to pretend to have a happy life knowing that it isn't exactly as it is.

When it comes to talking about problems, I feel as if people think I exaggerate on the amount of issues one person can have. I am sad to say that nothing I tell is a lie. Yes, my life is this full of drama and despair. So I don't usually tell the whole world to what magnitude things are in fear of the pity. Only a few close friends know of the massive amounts of stress I harbor in every waking moment. It's something I wouldn't wish on even my worst enemy.

In the end, I try to remember all the things I once thought of as absolute and true.

Yes, this is still as major bullshit as it has always been but....

....Even that has an end.

The following are things that have been in the last couple of days and other random things as they have come.
-I will no longer be going to school for the fall as planned. Need the money for something else.
-The Boxer who sort of asked me out finally came around and asked me to hang out platonically which I'm super glad for. One down in that sense. The other friend who asked me out though is still extremely weird about it all and I have a feeling he won't be the same with me again.
-I ordered a wallet that was not delivered to my house and I'm unsure as to what to do. Ugh.
-The majority of the past 3 weeks have been one terrible day after the other. There was not one day that a customer didn't give me shit for things that were beyond my control or just them being illogical beyond belief. A woman STOLE from the store and made it seem like I had been the one who was at fault for her stupidity. Don't really know how much more of this I can take.
-But there is no choice in the matter and I must def need to look for a second job.
-I'm bored of the Pokemon game, as I expected I would be in the amount of time it took so I'm unsure of what to do with myself in all honesty.
-All I've done with my life the last weeks is read ML fanfics (mostly Marichat and Adrienette) and that's it. That's my entertainment. It's very sad.
-The speaker I used at work to listen to the radio so I don't have to sit in silence all day got fucked up so now I have to.... sit in silence again. With my head. This can't be good.
-I'm super low on funds and it won't matter how much money I try to save, it'll never be enough for anything. Sigh.
-I'm so sad seeing everyone going back to school and realizing that I can't go yet again. I'm getting old, man. I'm gonna be 28 next year and I haven't even gone for ONE semester to college. How's that for pathetic?
-Speaking of pathetic, guess who still talks about Superman like he's still there even though he's been gone for 5 months. Until when will I continue to stupidity.
-AU left. After all this time that I had been waiting to talk to him and when were starting to become friendly, he left. The day I bought him water from my store as a thank you, that was the last day I ever saw him. He hasn't returned since. That was last month I think.
-Another person who's leaving is my therapist. Next week is our last session. I'm terrible at saying goodbye....
-There's so much to do and so many numbers to call in regards to my mom. So many doctor visits to make to make sure every things alright. So many hospital bills to pay (mine, hers.) it's all so much in such little time....
-If it's not noticeable I'm just severely overwhelmed about it all. I keep dreaming that I can rest. It seems like it's just that. A Dream.
-I feel so bored without U-KISS promoting in Korea. I love them promoting in Japan and I love their Japanese releases but they promoting in Korea has always been so much more fun, so much more exciting. When they're not promoting, I don't have any music to look forward to. It's sad. I miss them. I miss it alot.

Sigh. I don't know what else to say.
Honestly, I'm trying my best to cope with everything. But it gets to me so much that things just never seem to go the right way. Not every waking moment of life is painful. Not every single second is pain. But it's just very overwhelming to expect peace and get none of that. It's so overwhelming to see the future so bleak. To see it so dark and hopeless. That's all I see in my head.

If I had a Miraculous, I'd had Chat Noirs. The bringer of bad luck. The power of destruction.

The Black Cat of bad luck.

And yes, this is me being Miraculous Trash.