CHANGE.

The past few weeks have been................. hectic to say the very least.

(Also, yikes. It's been a long, long time since I updated my blog. Not like anyone reads or cares but so much for promising myself to blog.)

In either case there's been quite a few drastic changes to my everyday life, all surrounding the complete uprooting of my family from one lovely little house to a small and uncomfortable apartment.

Sigh.

Needless to say that sums up everything I feel in a single word. I've been tirelessly trying to get myself to adjust to the fact we never will be able to return to the place we called home for nearly a decade. It was small, sure, it could be uncomfortable, of course, but nonetheless I was happy there. There were of course lots of time when I wished things were different at the time. I'd give anything to go back to it now that it's over.

But alas, life goes on right?

On the other hand there are maybe two things I should be grateful for in this tiny apartment.

For one, there is AC so I probably won't be dying and suffering from the heat too much (until it's fixed properly anyway) or of severe bronchitis this year.

On the other, I have a proper place to sleep.

Yay...........

But I still miss our old house already. And it's only been 3 days...................

I keep telling myself I should be grateful. We're not that far away and honestly I don't think we could've done better than this.

But it is what it is.

Overdose.

I haven't had alot of time to breathe lately with so much going on around.

Also, there's the fact I haven't felt like updating. There's sometimes that I let myself forget that I'm trying to make progress and expressing myself and what I feel, and instead go back to doing the same thing I've been doing forever: Holding it everything inside like I can take it all.

Here's a bit of things that have been going on.
- My house has become host to not one, not two but three types of animals, with only my bun being welcomed................. There's a terrible feeling of having not only mice, BUT ALSO A HUGE UNKNOWN LIZARD running around my house, unattended, unashamed of it, not caring that because of it's awful presence, I'm obligated to sleep on my couch, away from the walls in fear it will crawl on my face or bed with me T_________________T............................
-Worked a wonderful 11 hour shift this week.
-Oh yes I haven't slept. Not more than 3 hours anyway.
-Stress stress stress....
-Oh yes have I said Stress yet?
-My grandma  was unfortunately hospitalized for being on the verge of a heart attack. I was at work, in my 11 hour shift too, when I found out. So much stress ya'll. She's fine. She's ok but I'll always worry.
-I feel like I'll never have the freedom to rest.................
-My only escape has been playing Mystic Messenger and that in itself is bad because 1. It's super time consuming and 2. It makes me neglect other things, and that includes sleep. The things I do for these virtual boys.......................
-But I love Seven.
-And Zen.
-Fuckin assholes.
-I'm even writing a fic. I know I said I didn't know how I'd survive without ML until it's new season in May (
-I realized I've watched Parks and Rec like.................. 14 times over. I'll never get sick of this show. Even though the end sucks........
-I had an Opthamologist appointment today and I once again was reminded that I need glasses ahhhhh hahaha................................. yay more expenses.
-I hate my life. And myself. And everything.
-......... Ok but have I mentioned that I'm stressed and tired?

I think I'll just cut it short here. I know I had a purpose to post but nooooppppeeee that's not happening. I keep taking back my words. Sigh.

Toodles.

BLACK CAT.

When this year began, I had high hopes that it would be what dreams were made of. I religiously checked my horoscope and it promised grand things (Yes, I know it's all speculation and facade, but it's still fun) were to come as this year progressed. The Number 16 has always been my lucky number.

But unfortunately, it seems as if that was all wishful thinking.

I'm not sure on what to believe in anymore, in all honesty. I began this blog thinking that maybe, just maybe, it would be filled with good memories and pictures of adventures for the summer, my phobia bucketlist, plans for the upcoming school year, etc. In the end, it seems to be just like all my not public journals where it shows the massive amounts of stress and drama my life seems to have at all times.

So I thought that maybe I might just stop myself from writing all that drama and focusing on only the happy things life has to offer but....

....Would that even be sincere?

I don't want to pretend to have a happy life knowing that it isn't exactly as it is.

When it comes to talking about problems, I feel as if people think I exaggerate on the amount of issues one person can have. I am sad to say that nothing I tell is a lie. Yes, my life is this full of drama and despair. So I don't usually tell the whole world to what magnitude things are in fear of the pity. Only a few close friends know of the massive amounts of stress I harbor in every waking moment. It's something I wouldn't wish on even my worst enemy.

In the end, I try to remember all the things I once thought of as absolute and true.

Yes, this is still as major bullshit as it has always been but....

....Even that has an end.

The following are things that have been in the last couple of days and other random things as they have come.
-I will no longer be going to school for the fall as planned. Need the money for something else.
-The Boxer who sort of asked me out finally came around and asked me to hang out platonically which I'm super glad for. One down in that sense. The other friend who asked me out though is still extremely weird about it all and I have a feeling he won't be the same with me again.
-I ordered a wallet that was not delivered to my house and I'm unsure as to what to do. Ugh.
-The majority of the past 3 weeks have been one terrible day after the other. There was not one day that a customer didn't give me shit for things that were beyond my control or just them being illogical beyond belief. A woman STOLE from the store and made it seem like I had been the one who was at fault for her stupidity. Don't really know how much more of this I can take.
-But there is no choice in the matter and I must def need to look for a second job.
-I'm bored of the Pokemon game, as I expected I would be in the amount of time it took so I'm unsure of what to do with myself in all honesty.
-All I've done with my life the last weeks is read ML fanfics (mostly Marichat and Adrienette) and that's it. That's my entertainment. It's very sad.
-The speaker I used at work to listen to the radio so I don't have to sit in silence all day got fucked up so now I have to.... sit in silence again. With my head. This can't be good.
-I'm super low on funds and it won't matter how much money I try to save, it'll never be enough for anything. Sigh.
-I'm so sad seeing everyone going back to school and realizing that I can't go yet again. I'm getting old, man. I'm gonna be 28 next year and I haven't even gone for ONE semester to college. How's that for pathetic?
-Speaking of pathetic, guess who still talks about Superman like he's still there even though he's been gone for 5 months. Until when will I continue to stupidity.
-AU left. After all this time that I had been waiting to talk to him and when were starting to become friendly, he left. The day I bought him water from my store as a thank you, that was the last day I ever saw him. He hasn't returned since. That was last month I think.
-Another person who's leaving is my therapist. Next week is our last session. I'm terrible at saying goodbye....
-There's so much to do and so many numbers to call in regards to my mom. So many doctor visits to make to make sure every things alright. So many hospital bills to pay (mine, hers.) it's all so much in such little time....
-If it's not noticeable I'm just severely overwhelmed about it all. I keep dreaming that I can rest. It seems like it's just that. A Dream.
-I feel so bored without U-KISS promoting in Korea. I love them promoting in Japan and I love their Japanese releases but they promoting in Korea has always been so much more fun, so much more exciting. When they're not promoting, I don't have any music to look forward to. It's sad. I miss them. I miss it alot.

Sigh. I don't know what else to say.
Honestly, I'm trying my best to cope with everything. But it gets to me so much that things just never seem to go the right way. Not every waking moment of life is painful. Not every single second is pain. But it's just very overwhelming to expect peace and get none of that. It's so overwhelming to see the future so bleak. To see it so dark and hopeless. That's all I see in my head.

If I had a Miraculous, I'd had Chat Noirs. The bringer of bad luck. The power of destruction.

The Black Cat of bad luck.

And yes, this is me being Miraculous Trash.

Tragic.

I've told a few people that I know but sometimes I feel like my life is a badly written cliched drama that someone watches and enjoys watching only because it's so cliche.

But nothing could've prepared me, or any of us really, for what happened this week.

Needless to say that it will be a very difficult next couple of years. The struggles to keep our family together and being able to successfully raise my sisters baby in our house will no doubt be difficult and present for as long as we're needed in his life. We will remember this all as nothing less than the most bitter and disgusting of experiences and we will be reminded of the anger. We will be reminded of the pain and we'll have to live the rest of our lives with a question we can't answer.

Why, will always come into effect as the first reply to those thoughts, should they remain.

But a part of me sees only relief in the midst of all the sadness.
A part of me is glad that we have a bright and loving future to look forward to. We have a tiny life that needs us at 100%. We will rise from this like phoenixes and remember this cannot destroy us. Especially my sister. We will always remind her she can and will prevail.

For the rest of this year I have big plans that no longer match what I had thought of before. My plans to go to school have been replaced with first priority standards surrounding the little life we hold in our hands. A walking piece of my sisters heart. This is my priority now and I will continue in making all of it a reality for as long as I'm needed to teach. I have to save not for school but for expenses that though High, will be worth it.

I will waste the rest of my waking breathe into holding my self back from seeking the destruction and annihilation of something who has hurt our family in such a cruel and hateful way. I will have to learn to not let the hate I feel consume me into doing something stupid. I can do this. Only because I know life will take care of that one for me.

For the rest of the nights for a long time, I will be awake. I will only stay awake in case the person who is my sunshine has her shine back again. A shine that can't be destroyed or tarnished or dimmed. You can't aim for the sun and reaching it without getting burned. This is the same case for my sister. She's my happy sunshine ray, the girl who see's the good things of the world. You can not destroy her spirit.

But until then, I will just painfully and agonizingly cry.

Because there is nothing I do or say that will make her feel better that time can't do better.

I hope I have happier news for a new entry. I'm very sick of the sad ones.